What is going on in my head. Help ??????

[ProdigyOfRap]

Ok, First of I have always had sometime of OCD when I was a kid. It would usually just be minor and go along the lines of me doing something repeatedly. But as of recent I have been having these Intrusive thoughts. It first began when I started to have intrusive thoughts towards younger females(17and over) which I found extremely disturbing because I wasn't ever attracted to them and would get to the point that just being around them would drive me insane because the thoughts would not quit killing me. I was still attracted to women and I could still get an erection but it wasn't the type of erection I was used to having before that even happened. Then that subsided for a bit.. Until I saw full metal alchemist and I started having thoughts about harming my mother which I very much love. That I would avoid her and avoid being next to harmful things. But one day I smoked so marijuana that I got from a friend mostly because I wanted to impress a girl I want to be with (I was dumb). But as soon as I smoked the first puff my mind began to tell me I was a homosexual. Everyday my mind would constantly tell me I was a homosexual even though I knew I was not. I have never been attracted to men nor have I ever want to have sex with them ever in my life. I always just wanted to be with women diffrent types of women. As I kid I was so infatuated with them that I would at least masturbate % to 10 times a day just like at the ad for the genie bra. But it been almost a year since I had these homosexual thoughts. In through out this past week. My mind has been telling I have always been a homo which I have not ever and now My penis does get semi aroused I say semi because I stop myself and I am constantly thinking about homo **** and my mind keeps saying accept it. I have never masturbated to gay porn or even want to watch it in my life. I also have never been with men. I have always loved being with women. My first sexual encounter with a women was amazing. I got to eat her out she sucked me off. I love eating a female out it just feels right. But as of the past year or almost a year my mind has not let me live I was able to cope with this because I knew deep down that I was going to get over this. The last couple of months I have been catching myself checking out dudes not because I like them but because I want to test myself but as of now everytime I am with a dude hanging out I can't stop getting some what wood. (my **** doesn't get hard it just has some sort of tingling homo sensation) and I immideatally start thinking gay ****. I was fine up until a few days ago when my mind pretty much said **** you your gay now. I haven't been able to get aroused when I see a female I even try to avoid them for some god damn reason and I catch myself checking out dudes to prove myself that I am not gay but as I do I realize that I get semi wood and my mind thinks they are attractive. When I have never in my life been attracted to another mail. This week has been so hard on me that I have lost ten pounds haven't been able to eat or get these thoughts out of my head. I have never been attracted to another malke until now or atleast I think I am since I have never jacked it to a male or tried to watch homo porn but my mind now is telling me to do it and its trying to convince me that I have always been like this which I haven't. Its even harder for me to fully accept this because I have not been able to get a full erection towards women since my first set of intrusive thoughts came in.

Side note every once In a while during this week I was able to forget about it like yesterday when I went to the gym the site of a man was not arousing me at all and I was getting my confidence up again towards women. But I went home and my mother and sister found some writing that I wrote in my journal about how these thoughts have been consuming me and they immediately thought I was a homo. Now mind is telling me to accept it which I can't.
And also today for a quick minute the site of a penis was not giving me any thought when I was watching regular porn but out of nowhere mind tells me that no you are gay and I lose all train of thought and focus on that.

I just want to know what the hell is going on with me and why me ? I never wanted to be a homo nor have I ever masturbated to gay porn or been aroused to a men in my 19 years of life. Now every time I see a show on tv with a male I have to avoid it because I get that penis tingle and my mind starts thinking I'm attracted to them which I have never been. I just want to be the normal confident me that hated homosexuals and loved banging women.


Side note, I wasn't able to get it up to a woman in the past year and a half I thought I had a limp **** but My **** would easily get up to the sight of a younger female. But now, I can't get it up towards anything even if I try my hardest I feel as if I want to by something in my mind does not want me to. I have gotten have chubs towards males only in the past week but I never want to have sex with them Its just mind that forces me to look at them at find something remotely arousing to get a chub from. When I mean half chub I mean that my penis isn't erect or fully erect its just feels like it is going to get erect.

Am I a homo now? I can not deal with life any longer. I have not been able to go to school because ever sight of a male my mind forces me to look at them get a penis tingle from them.

I just don't want live like this.

Please if anyone could kindly help me I know this is a bit long but typing this has let my thoughts subside a bit.

I'm 19.

[funora]

Jgf25 I love your last comment about living a good life even with ocd because I think for most of us the threat of not having a good life is our biggest problem!and I just love what you said to this writer thank you soo much!and prodigyofrap I wish you luck with your progress I'm also going through my progress!may God be with you and always remember you are not alone!

[JGF25]

Let me know how you are doing and whether you have found a psychologist.  I have lived with OCD for more than thirty years and I'm a testament to the fact that you can go to college, get married, have kids, have a career, and live a pretty darn good life all with OCD.  

[ProdigyOfRap]

Thank you, I need as much help as I can get.

[JGF25]

The bottom line is that your OCD is out of control and while we can reassure you, it really isn't going to do you much good.  So in short, we cannot fix you but you do have an avenue open to you where you can help yourself and that is to see a psychologist.  

OCD has no rhyme or reason.  You are trying to figure out the "why" when in reality the "why" is unattainable.  You need to retrain your brain and the way you think.  

Here is a good article about OCD in general:

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=ten%20things%20fred%20penzel

Here is an article written by a gay guy regarding HOCD

www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php

Read the articles.  I know you want this to go away right this minute but that is not how this works.  This is a neurotransmitter disorder and until you retrain your brain and/or take medication to balance out the neurotransmitters, you are going to have problems.  If it isn't HOCD then it will be something else.  

[ProdigyOfRap]

hell everytime I try to thinkof a women my mind blocks it and makes me think of a male...

[ProdigyOfRap]

Yes, thank you but for the past week or past couple of days my mind has truly convinced me that I am a homo. I can't even get aroused or interested in women anymore. I had never had gay dreams and now I do. I now do feel attracted to the male sex but It does stop sometimes but then my minds pretty much talks itself out it. I was never gay nor do I want to be gay but my mind doesn't let me get away with these thoughts. I used to be able to get all kinds of boners from women I used to be addicted to watch porn,solos,black women. But every time I would fantasize a bout that my mind would picture something gay every ******* time.Now, I can't even get an erection or arousal from women I can see them naked and nothing!!!!!! I was never ever like this I just do not want to be like this it seems like my ocd has convinced me that I was always gay. Can I ever be the normal me that I was??? I had never had gay thoughts before this but they just won't go away and now I actually feel like I am getting aroused at the site of a male.

[JGF25]

Hi there.  Okay let me just first say that I do not think you are gay in the slightest.  We don't wake up one day and become gay.  I think it is hardwired in our genetics and we are born gay or we are not.  Trust me, I know some gay people and there is no denying they know they are gay and have known it for quite some time.  Oh sure they might have dated the opposite sex for a time but the reality is it was not their true inclination.  

OCD is a trick we play on ourselves.  I call it OMG for obsessive mind game.  We say black and our mind says white.  This is the thing...you have had past OCD thoughts.  The thoughts you had were very common ones for people with OCD.  HOCD is a big irrational thought that people with OCD have.  Do you know why we think these thoughts?  We think them because they are horrific to us.  Why would our mind waste time on the mundane when it can take us to the nth degree and make us think really horrible things.  It doesn't mean that you are anti-gay it just means that you are not gay and don't want to be.  

Testing for an OCD person is not good.  What happens is it keeps you in the OCD loop.  You look at a guy and you think you feel something but what is really happening is the purple elephant in the room effect.  If I tell you not to think about it, it is the first thing you are going to think about. So stop all testing.  No porn right now.  Also, it is very natural to look at the opposite sex because let's face it...we are vain and compare ourselves to others.  You are just taking it further like all OCD people do.  

No pot either.  Pot messes with your brain and right now you have enough problems with your neurotransmitters (because OCD is a neurotransmitter disorder) so don't make it worse by smoking it.  

So here is the thing.  You need to get to a psychologist.  Your mom already knows you are struggling because she read your journal.  You are in crisis mode because you cannot eat.  When it gets to this point, depression starts to set in.  You need to learn cognitive behavioral therapy so that when you think the thought you can get rid of it.  So look for a psychologist that teaches CBT and is good with OCD.  

I promise you that if you seek help, you will get better.  I have been where you are with irrational thoughts...you name it and I have probably catastrophized it.  Let me know if a psychologist is possible.