Is this Hocd? Am I homo sexual? Please help me!!!

[Donovan1]

I want to know if this is or was or I dont even know anymore haha so I'll just give my story.
I first started worrying that I was gay at christmas of fourth grade (six years ago) when my father told me I looked like a "******." At first this only made me sad but I did not question my sexuality and I had always liked girls very much! then, my dad began testing to see if I was gay by showing me pictures of hot girls and guys and asking weird questions about them, this continues until I was in the eighth grade. The summer after eighth grade I had my first really bad spike and I began watching gay porn to test if I would like it. I would be shaking and crying while doing so, and I never had an erection. Around this time I also took many online "are you gay?" quizes and reived mixed results. I continued having spikes like these until the end of ninth grade, when I discovered Hocd and I had most symtoms.
What I am really worried about today is that I have been having homosexual dreams lately that involve someone trying to do something to me and me freaking out even in the dream. I am also worried because last night  was about to watch porn ( I know bad idea) and all of a sudden my brain was saying " watch gay porn....experiment!!!maybe youll like it!!!!" and then I just stared at the category for a long time, I couldnt tell if I was anxious but I kept reassuring myself" youre straight youre staight" and going ' dont get a boner!!!" I decided not to click on it or watch any of them but I'm terrified now. It also might help that I've been with girl of my dreams for the past 9 months and I'm terrified I'm going to have to leave because I might be gay. Please help me , is this hocd?

[nursegirl6572]

Like JG has told you, the "testing" behaviors you're doing is only fueling the OCD.  You need to seek professional help to assist you in learning how to change your thinking and your reactions.  Nothing changes if nothing changes.  There are resources out there for mental health help, you just need to ask for some help, your parents or another trusted adult, your doctor, someone.

You're now considering breaking up with your GF over your fabricated sexual preference.  This is affecting your life in a big way...time to do something about it.

[Donovan1]

Tonight, while I was in the bathroom I suddenly had this voice telling me I wanted to
Masturbate to a boy at school who I think I have a false crush on, it's not really a crush as much as a test dummy I think. I tried thinking about him and I didn't get a boner. I got really scared because I don't know if I felt nervous, I started breathing really heavy , almost hyperventilating, but I don't know if it was pleasure or pain. I then went to my basement and looked up hot guys and tried to masturbate to it, creating a fantasy , but I didn't get a erection and I was breathing really hard ?, but again I don't know if I wanted to. I felt like I might have but I wasn't sure? After this I broke down and cried very hard and looked at girls and very easily got aroused. I don't know if I'm bi anymore. I have horrible dreams, I think I want to do these things but I can't tell, and I really just want someone to tell me what I am. I don't know of I'm worried I'm gay, I dont know if it bothers me or not, my mind says now, that's what you like!!! But I just hyperventilate or cry. Should I break up with my girlfriend? I don't want her to be dating someone who doesnt know if wants men or not. It's almost our year anniversary together, and I love her more than anything but I just tried to get off to a guy and I don't know if I would have liked it.

[Donovan1]

I don't trust my counselor at school after prior experiences, but thank you. Have you had dreams like this where you feel aroused but so sad?

[JGF25]

I asked about school because I think you should make an appointment with your school counselor and talk about this.  Everything is confidential.  

[Donovan1]

Hank you every much, booth if you for trying to help me, but I can't do any of these things. I was certain I was straight for a few weeks and then last night I had a dream I was with a old friend and nothing sexual was happening but I kept saying " I'm not gay " over and over again. When I woke pub I had an erection. Should I just give up? Am I really just gay or bi?

[MKAT2721]

Oh my goodness Donovan don't torture yourself. I've been in your position. My best friend came out after college and I decided to embrace her decision and go to a gay bar with her.  I did this not because I was interested in the women  - but did it to support her. The next day as we sat eating breakfast in a restaurant I wondered if everyone thought we were a gay couple. From there the obsession took on a mind of its own and scared me to death. I had only had boyfriends and was in a serious relationship. I worried I was going to ruin my life and everyone else's. I did checking behaviors like yours - did I feel a tingle when I noticed that pretty girl, did I like girls when I was little and on and on until I became agoraphobic because I was scared Id be out in public and fall in love with a girl. It's your mind playing the ultimate trick on you. OCD is described as the doubting disease. What if, what if, what if? Nothing changed until I was put on Zoloft and went to therapy. That was over 15 years ago and I'm happily married with two children. Don't give your thought power or test it. You will have to learn to have the thought and let it pass. I feel for you but know you aren't crazy or homosexual. You are obsessive by nature and the scrutiny your dad put you under fed your obsessive thoughts and in turn has caused anxiety. Hang in there and get some meds and therapy. You don't have to live this way - I promise. Big hugs!

[Donovan1]

Yes I was this morning. Why?

[JGF25]

Are you in school at the moment?

[Donovan1]

I've been reading what I can find online of the OCD work book for now. Something kind of strange has been happening. With guys if I get gay images I feel extremely nervous and clench my jaw, but lately with girls I'll feel pleasure but nausea at the same time. I think it could be anxiety of not liking them causing this but I don't know, do you have any ideas? Thank you.

[JGF25]

Which book(s) are you reading?  

[Donovan1]

I've been reading and things have been off and on, I'm still having horrible dreams and I keep obsessing why I used to like straight porn more than lesbian, I dont know if that makes me bi and I keep having false memories of molestation . I don't know what to do

[JGF25]

Okay, you can't see a psychologist.  How about getting the following books:

The OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD

Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani

Brain-Lock by (I don't know)

YOU rule your mind and not the other way around.  Look up these books online and see what you think about them.  

[Donovan1]

Yes , I've been looking but no where accepts my family's insurance and we can't afford anything so far. Panic mode sounds about right, I'm constantly worrying about every thought I have. Even my dreams I'll see something and say "do I want that?!" I'm having (i hope ) false memories constantly. I have lost all of my friends and I don't talk to hardly anyone anymore.

[JGF25]

This is the beast that is OCD.  When we are really in the throws of OCD we tend to go from thought to thought.  I call this crisis mode.  And in my book crisis mode needs psychological help.  Did you look into seeing a counselor?  You are having many "what-if" thoughts which are the hallmark of OCD.  

[Donovan1]

Well I took your advice and tried not ever checking or doing anything until a few days ago I started obsessing that I may have molested my little sister in the past . It's weird because I have what I think is my real memory but then I think "what if I did this?" and it branches into all of these other horrible thoughts, hopefully only false thoughts. I had a dream last night that a guy from my school who I used to be friends with got kissed on the neck, but I can't remember if I did it. The thing that bothers me is that I couldn't really feel anxiety afterwards, but I think I was worried because I started going " what if I am gay?!"

[JGF25]

You are still testing.  Still going to your past and looking for things to over analyze.  Still reading stuff on the internet.  The thing about the internet is that it has answers from A to Z.  At some point you are going to come across the one that is wrong and that is the one you are going to key in on.  HOCD may not be a PDR (Physician's Desk Reference) term but it is very real.  You saw all the posts on the forum.  The majority are for HOCD.  Do you think ALL of these people are gay?  No way.  I know it is real becuase I thought it myself once and I was married at the time!  

Live in the here and now.  Don't think about the past.  Don't do internet searches.  Say "WHATEVER" or "NO, I'M NOT GOING THERE AGAIN" when the thought pops into your head.  Don't give it room to move on and turn in a monster.  Hit it right away with these self-coaching statements.  Picture a red handle in your mind and picture yourself pulling it toward you and say "STOP or ENOUGH."  Whatever is going to get you out of your head and then move onto something else so that you are not idle.  Idle minds go to the dark side.  

[Donovan1]

Thank yo so much for taking your time to do all this for me and others with this!!!!! I understand if you are tired of attempting to help e with this, as you've already done so much for me already, but there's still somethings bothering me, and you don't have to respond if you don't want to ,I'll understand , but i keep having a memory of when i was in 8th grade during what i think was a spike of hocd, i had decided i must really just be gay on the day a class i was in went rock climbing and the instructor was gay and the harness had pushed all of junk out. i remember feeling very anxious and smiling at the irony and trying to force myself to like it, but i still had a crush on a girl and was thinking of her at the same time. is that normal for hocd?
Also , in 9th grade I was taking a are you gay test and one of the questions was " what wold you do if your best friend told you he'd do anything sexually for you?" now from what I remember is that I replaced the thought of him with girls got a erection to it and decided to come back to it later to think about what I'd say , but what I hear in my head was I got that to the thought of him and I really don't know which is true. It scares me that I can;t remember who I was thinking of. Part of me says I was just turned on by the thought of sex, not with anyone in particular , but with the idea of someone wanting to have sex with me, but I think I pictured a woman , but I don't know!!!!!!!
Also, tonight I read somewhere that hocd isnt real and everyone who says they have it are just making excuses for being gay.This just really scares me.
All of my memories before I had these worries I was very hetero, but now I really don't know. I remember getting a erection at the store from bras when I was little and from every time I saw a pretty girl and wanting to be with one, but i really don't know know.

[JGF25]

I am going to bump a post to the top of the forum.  It is called "Anatomy of  horrific Thought in OCD."  Read that and you will see how what you did with the iggy pop book is actually keeping you in the cycle of OCD irrational thinking.  It is called testing and testing is very bad.  In the effort to get closure on the thought, you are actually making it stay around.  

Here is a breathing tecnique that you can do anywhere and nobody will even know you are doing it but at first practice laying down.with your hands on your stomach.  Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for 5 seconds and count this out in your head and then let it all out through your mouth.  When you become anxious it is possible to hyperventilate without realizing you are doing it so you need to slow your heart rate back down so that you can think more rationally.  

This is my take on homosexuality.  I believe we are either born gay or we are not.  We don't just wake up one day and become gay. Sure there are gay people out there that dated the opposite sex but quickly realized it wasn't for them.  They were trying to be something they were not and they knew it all along.  You on the other hand seem to want nothing to do with men nor do you want to be in a relationship with them.  If you said out loud right now "I'm gay" would you want to run out and find a guy to be in a relationship with?  If not, then how on earth could you be gay.  

Ignore what your father says.  Ignore what your friends say.  You are the only one that matters.  You are the only one that would know for sure and it seems to me that you are not.  

So my advice right now is to see your school counselor.  It isn't going to go away without some outside intervention in learning how to deal with these intrusive thoughts and learning to let them go as fictions which they are.  We don't live in a fictional world remember....we live in a world based on facts.  

Here is a book as well that you can look at on Amazon and think about ordering.  The OCd Workbook:  YOur Guide to Breaking Free of OCD.  I think it will do you a world of good.  

[Donovan1]

Please help me, I'm freaking out worse tonight!!!! I was looking thru a book about iggy pop and there was one of him psing mostly naked and I decided to try and test myself and I was trying to masturbate to it but I didn't want to and I kept cringing and blacking out and then I just gave up and started crying and squeezing my pillow pretending it was my girlfriend, please will someone take the time to help?:'(

[Donovan1]

I'm 16

[JGF25]

IMO your father has done you no favors.  How old are you BTW?