Hocd or something like that is tormenting my mind.

[tobyb674]

im 16, ive allways been into girls, and ive had a few girlsfriends, kissed, enjoyed it, etc etc..about i'd say, a year ago after a masturbation session (allways been into straight lesbian porn, boy btw incase you havent caught on.) a thought popped into my head : "what if you were gay?" id vagually thought of this once or twice before, but i was confident of the answer; however, this somehow got to my, i felt my self feel the mot anxious id ever felt, the feeling when you feel your in a bad situation, i began to ask myself questions, so many, analysing everything, i felt so repulsed by the idea of any sexual relationship with a guy, and it was so horrible, i began to look at my friends in kind of a different way and girls in a different way, it was so unbelievebly weird, i keep looking at my friends and thinking about if i would do anything, and the answer is allways no, everyday since then, all the time i ask myself the question, "am i gay?" the answer is no, but sometimes i force myself into saying yes to myself to see how myself would react, it never ever feels right because i know somehow down there in my heart i aint gay, when i was my girlfriend for a week, (she lives quite far away) we were kissing and hugging for hours on end and i felt how right it was and all my anxiety dissapeared for a while, a week or so after i left though it returned ; even worse than before, i watch lesbian porn to assure myself that im straight and not for enjoyment, i keep getting plagued with theese horrible horrible horrible thoughts, and sometimes i force myself to try and get off over it to convince myself im not gay, it never ever worked except once, were i still orgasmed but afterwards i felt so repulsed, how could the thing of my nightmares cause this? it seems that once when i was so repulsed with this stuff, my mind has gotten so used to all this ****, it doesnt look at it with the same disgust, i mean, i reluctantly scroll onto the gay stuff, if i have a erection, it just dissapears, and if i dont, i look at it with indifference and have no urge at all to masturbate over it, and i dont get aroused at all, i have no idea whats going on with me, im going to see my councillor soon, and i want to talk to her about it, but i dont know what to think, help!

[JGF25]

OMG you have made my day.  You are taking charge of your life and getting the help you need.  I cannot tell you how many people DON'T do that and just continuously post on here.  You are going to be just fine!  

[tobyb674]

Hi there JGF thanks for your reply, i talked to my councillor and she has recommended me to go so my doctor who i have made an appointment, medication does some like one of a few temporary solutions at the moment, cheers.

[JGF25]

From what you have posted you have HOCD.  When the irrational thought pops into your head you immediately start to fight it.  You fight it by testing yourself.  What you have to do is to give it no credibility.  The moment the thought pops into your head say to yourself "I like girls, always have and always will now move on."  We are our own best motivators.  If you have to say this 100 times a day then do so.  After a while this thought will become a non-issue.  Talking to the counselor is a good idea.  Many guys have this problem.  And I will tell you that with my own OCD problems, I too thought I was gay and I was married at the time.  It was just a thought that popped into my head one day.  I used self-talk to get over it.  The main thing to do is to not continuously test yourself.  If you are walking down the street, sing a song in your head so that your mind is occupied with something else.  If it is occupied, it cannot go to the dark side.  Relax...you are heterosexual.

Let me know how the counseling session went.  My best.