HOCD & Anxiety. Please Help.

[markezzyy]

I'm a 14 year old guy who is filled with anxiety. I have always been scared about my health (which has never been an issue, and is perfectly fine, always has been.) but around early July, I had the worst panic attack of my life.
I was in  my room on youtube and i just tripped out over this cramp I had, and i escalated it so far that I was scared. I had convinced myself that something was wrong with me. I then proceeded, throughout the course of that month, to feel lazy, and any odd feeling i had escalated even more to me thinking I had HIV and so on and so forth, which I do not. And so I had continued battling my anxiety.
Until about last week, I had still been anxious about my health, and then this is when the HOCD started.
My little cousin was at my house (11 years old). And I was happy as can be that day, and then he started to mention something he heard on the radio. "I heard about this guy and his wife who had a threesome with another guy, and the guy liked it so he turned gay." and that instantly sprung the question in my mind. "Am i gay?" and I know that it is not true. I have been straight as can be all of my life. I play around acting gay with my guy friends just to be stupid, but it's all in fun, and has never been serious, never had an attraction for a man in my life. When the question popped in my mind, I freaked out.
My mom was my therapist at the moment, and I told her about it, she reassured me that everything would be okay. Then I talked to my dad, who has anxiety as well and talked to me about depression and anxiety, because he has experienced it all, it helped briefly, but not for very long.
I now have been feeling a little better. The first couple of days I wouldn't eat and was always worried, constantly. I always repeated the phrase in my mind "You aren't gay, you're straight." and it didn't help very much. I had doubted myself so much and then I started to not feel the spark in my relationship much, and I started worrying that I would be attracted to guys. and when I see them, it is a little uncomfortable, and I start to worry myself, and involuntarily think "don't be attracted to them." and then I start to notice if they are attractive and I freak myself out. I never have felt this way and I have always been completely straight. Now I always check in my mind and compare. And I always get disgusted at the thought of me being with a guy. I hate the thoughts. I even shake my head and tell myself to quit it. I don't get it up when I think about guys at all, and I get the occasional spike that I get scared of.
I still freak out and doubt myself all of the time and I over-sexualize everything. Any little phrase that could sound sexual I notice. I used to be like this with the "that's what she said." jokes, but not this bad.
I want my old life back, and I hate the thought of being gay. No offense to any gay people, but I think it's immoral, personally. And I think about how I'm not interested in men and then the "what if's" come around. And now it's getting to the point when I don't even notice I'm asking myself. I know i'm not into guys, and I get scared that I would enjoy it, which I know isn't true.
I usually notice at night when I'm just chilling in my game room on my phone, that I'm not worried anymore, and my feelings about my relationship start to come back. Although, my worries that I might find an attraction to a guy that I see on twitter or something are still there. And I know the difference between an attractive man and an unattractive guy, just like any other guy does. Only now am I worrying that I am attracted to them and things of that sort.
I have been sexually active for a couple of years and been somewhat sexual with a girl before, and that's all, I've never felt this way, otherwise.
When I keep myself busy, I feel somewhat better, and even vulgarly use the words "******" & "gay". and then the thoughts kick in to bite at me once again, I hate it. I cry sometimes, and I wish I could just be normal with no worries, but I guess that's too much to ask. I never vent to anyone, I feel like I just don't care to let my emotions out, other than crying. I have always been the rock and the the "advice giver" I just don't know where else to turn..
I know I sound like a crazy, insecure, lame little kid, that overthinks things. I always have overthought things and been a relatively smart person. I've always been a deep person, but I hate being deep to this level. I just really do not want to be gay.
I just wanna live like I used back in June.
Please help me, I wanna crawl out of this depression, and I really do not want to be gay, I just wanna be straight and happy, with no worried like I always have been.
I do not want to take any pills, or medication. I don't think I'll be allowed to see a therapist, but I just wanna know.
Please help... if you're going to say something about me being gay, don't even bother..
Markezzyy..

[markezzyy]

nonono my mom is like a personal therapist, but she's never had anxiety or anything of the sort, my father on the other hand, has. and it's genetic, from what I've heard. I know that I'm not gay, and I can't trust anything that I think, at all. I just want my old life back.. thanks for the advice.

[JGF25]

Hi there....I think if your mom is a therapist then you need to sit down with her again and perhaps see somebody that is outside of your family.  It is easy for moms to say "Don't worry about it" even if yours is a therapist.  

What you are doing are all natural things...the comparing yourself to others, etc. but you obviously have a mind that tends to go to the catastrophic side of things.  Personally I believe that being gay is genetic...that is just the scientist side of me and gay people don't walk around fighting thoughts like this...they know it and they accept it.  So do I think you are gay...no I don't.  

Since you have had issues before, i.e., your health anxiety, I think it is time to get some outside help.  I'm sure your mom knows some good therapists.  HOCD is very, very common.  You have only to look on this forum to see the number of posts regarding HOCD.  I even had the "Am I gay?" thought before.  I think it is just part and parcel with OCD.  

Take care and I'm sure things will get better.

[markezzyy]

And not to mention, when I lose the "fake attraction" for the guys, the one for women seems to fade too. I've heard that HOCD makes your feelings for the opposite sex deplete. And I just wanna have feelings for women, and not men.