Feeling horrible

[Sweetrose5]

I have had horrible ocd all my life. I have been dealing with hocd for about 5 years and though I'm getting better my anxiety recently got really bad. It brought up something I've done in the past that I haven't thought about in a while I honestly don't want to talk about it at all because it is so embarrassing, but I saw someone else had a similar post and I just don't know what else to do. I was either 16 or 17 I don't think I was 18 and I was dealing with my hocd when I was sitting on the step in my house and the dog started to hump my back. I pushed him off but then I sat on the step with the intention of letting him do it again, he did and I pushed him off. I don't remember completely but I think I let him do it again because of my hocd thinking that since he's a boy dog I should be okay with it. I don't know. I am really sexually inexperienced I just remember the incident and seeing the dog's penis and maybe that' sway I thought I had to let him do it again because if I didn't that meant I was gay. I have no idea. But I feel absolutely awful about it. I feel so sick and I honestly don't know how I am going to get through the day. I am terrified that I did it because I was attracted to the dog and now my ocd is telling me I'm into bestiality when I am not.  Can anyone help me?

[mariabianca]

Hi Sweetrose. I have OCD & know what it's like to torture yourself over a memory from the past. JGF25 is correct about thinking in the present & not finding things to torture yourself about.

Maybe this story will help you?  My grandma had a small dog that used to always hump her leg even though he was fixed & my grandmother wasn't into bestiality. Do you know what her reasoning was? he liked doing it & it made him feel good, why the hell should she care? And that was that! Maybe if it helps get it out of your mind you can use the same reasoning.... the dog likes it & who cares?? then move on. Just don't beat yourself up. You're in treatment & eventually you'll be able to deal with these things :)

[Sweetrose5]

I'm seeing a psychiatrist for hocd. Thanks for your insight. I do the same thing with the hocd, I look into the past when I shouldn't.

[JGF25]

You know....we all do crazy stuff when we are young.  There is absolutely no reason to go back through your past and look for things.  If you do, you are bound to find something to obsess over.  You can't undo the past so why not concentrate on the here and now.  You know you are not into bestiality.  The only reason this is coming back is because you deem it a "horrific thought."  If it wasn't horrific to you, your mind wouldn't waste time torturing you with it.  

What have you been doing for the past 5 years to help control your OCD?  Anything?  Psychologist and/or psychiatrist?  

[Sweetrose5]

I should also add that I have never done anything like that again and I am not attracted to animals, but my mind won't let it go and I am terrified that I did it because I was attracted to the dog's penis and I know I already said it but I feel so sick at this thought. Please help me!