Aa
OCD question
Hi I'm 20 years old female
I remember when I was 11 years old I was absolutely scared of sleeping on my own because I thought I would get possessed or a I would see a ghost. I would get paranoid when it was getting late because I knew I would have to sleep on my own even though my brothers bed was right next to mine I was still scared and I would beg my brother to sleep with me. I would constantly be scarred and I just could sleep on my own for about 2 or 3 years where my obsession just ended. This obsession was triggered when watching a scary movie I never knew it was OCD I'm still not sure if that's the case?
But after that I was scared of growing taller I don't know why I just didn't wanna be tall I would measure myself everyday and write letters to God and begged him that I wouldn't grow taller. This obsession lasted about a year or two.
When I was 17 I had a spot on my forehead i became depressed for some reason I would look at people's faces n compare them to mine I would google celebrities that have spots to make myself feel better I wouldn't let anyone touch my face for about a year or two even after the spot was gone.
A couple of months later for some reason I don't know if it was stress or I didn't have enough vitamins in me I started loosing hair it wasn't really bad but I got obsessed about my hair I wouldn't constantly check my hair thickness, I kept pulling them out to see how much hair has fallen out I would literally count them, I would ask my friends if this was normal or if they ever had a hair loss. Then my friends hair started falling out due to stress and I felt better I stopped obsessing about my hair they completely stopped falling out. I would still check and check and google I even started saving money up to get a hair transplant. Then my friends hair went back to normal and I started obsessing again constantly checking if my hair wa stalking out constantly pulling them out crying and just going crazy. I then had an obsession about my looks I kept comparing my hair my face to celebrities and if I saw a girl that's prettier than me I would get depressed I even hit myself for not being as pretty, j started doing exercises for my face I promised myself I would get a surgery done when I save up. I started wearing a lot of make up and would never show my face without it. I even had dreams where I felt weird because I had no make up on in public. At that time j had a boyfriend I was really obsessed about guys n the only reason I wanted to be pretty was because I wanted guys to like me and want me. I never figured out that I had OCD I have always had anxiety because j would I get really stress out when talking to strangers or even people in my class. Anyway one day I get really high smoking weed and I had a weird thought that popped into my head which was ( why am I here ) i started obsessing about my existance I was scared that I have lose my memory I would I wake up every single damn day feeling the same way with the same thoughts in my head, I kept questioning if I'm really alive or dead or if I'm in a comma and this is just a dream or my imagination. I was scared that I have lost my identity I just felt awful I had depression I just didn't wanna be alive anymore I kept obsessing n obsessing I kept asking for reassurance j kept googling always on my phone looking for answers I thought I was crazy every time Iheard people saying crazy or mental I would spike and get anxiety attacks I woudo get the every single morning for the past few months. I was obsessing about my hair and me being crazy at the same time I just didn't feel the same at all I couldn't feel emotions towards my family. The only emotions j could feel was towards my boyfriend I loved him with all of my heart he was my everything. After 6/7 months or maybe 8 I was doing really well I kept fearing that I was loosing my memory but I wasn't too bothered I just thought it's the thiughts that are making me feel crazy so I just ignored them as I was rok tired to fight them and analyse them. While I was going through that obsession I was at home all the time I couldn't think straight and some one mention it would be a good idea if I took my kind of it while watching porn so I did. I was sexually active at a young age. anyway I started off with straight porn then I moved onto different types of porn weird n disgusting but after I got bored of normal porn j would move on to weird things. My sex drive was really high for some reason I was constantly thinking about sex I would have sex with my boyfriend about 4/5 times a day but not everyday. I then started watching lesbian porn I don't know why I just did straight porn didn't work on my anymore I watched that and some other disgusting thing that I'm too smashed me to talk about. I was watching porn up to 5 times a day sometimes, and every night before I went to sleep. I kind of got over my obsession but then my brain was looking for something else to obsess about, when I was going through my obsession I slept with another guy I just didn't know how to cope with my brain I though if I do it maybe my obsession will just vanish and so I could take my mind of it. It worked after I realised what I have done i felt horrible I went back to my boyfriend and j couldn't stop obsessing about the fact what I have done it just wouldn't leave my mind it was there 24/7 I would Keeo checking my facebook before my boyfriend woke up. Just incase that guy msged me I kind of got over it because I thought my boyfriend wasn't even there for me while I was having such a horrible time. But then my brain kept looking for something else to obsess about then I started obsessing about the fact that I have slept with more than 19 guys n I never told my boyfriend I just kept obsessing and even though I didn't wanna thing about it it was always in my head it was so annoying I was literally going crazy couldn't sleep after a few weeks I pushed the thiughts aside and j literally forgot how many people I slept with. I was still watching a lot of porn at the time, but I felt like my sex drive wasn't as strong as it was before? I then started imagining things in my head while having sex with my boyfriend they were sort if disturbing but they made me climax.... I had fantasies that I was having sex with his friend instead of my boyfriend. I would have the same fantasy before going to sleep and had dreams about that person, I still loved my boyfriend more than any nothing. But I didn't know what was going on with my sex drive.
I remember when I was 11 years old I was absolutely scared of sleeping on my own because I thought I would get possessed or a I would see a ghost. I would get paranoid when it was getting late because I knew I would have to sleep on my own even though my brothers bed was right next to mine I was still scared and I would beg my brother to sleep with me. I would constantly be scarred and I just could sleep on my own for about 2 or 3 years where my obsession just ended. This obsession was triggered when watching a scary movie I never knew it was OCD I'm still not sure if that's the case?
But after that I was scared of growing taller I don't know why I just didn't wanna be tall I would measure myself everyday and write letters to God and begged him that I wouldn't grow taller. This obsession lasted about a year or two.
When I was 17 I had a spot on my forehead i became depressed for some reason I would look at people's faces n compare them to mine I would google celebrities that have spots to make myself feel better I wouldn't let anyone touch my face for about a year or two even after the spot was gone.
A couple of months later for some reason I don't know if it was stress or I didn't have enough vitamins in me I started loosing hair it wasn't really bad but I got obsessed about my hair I wouldn't constantly check my hair thickness, I kept pulling them out to see how much hair has fallen out I would literally count them, I would ask my friends if this was normal or if they ever had a hair loss. Then my friends hair started falling out due to stress and I felt better I stopped obsessing about my hair they completely stopped falling out. I would still check and check and google I even started saving money up to get a hair transplant. Then my friends hair went back to normal and I started obsessing again constantly checking if my hair wa stalking out constantly pulling them out crying and just going crazy. I then had an obsession about my looks I kept comparing my hair my face to celebrities and if I saw a girl that's prettier than me I would get depressed I even hit myself for not being as pretty, j started doing exercises for my face I promised myself I would get a surgery done when I save up. I started wearing a lot of make up and would never show my face without it. I even had dreams where I felt weird because I had no make up on in public. At that time j had a boyfriend I was really obsessed about guys n the only reason I wanted to be pretty was because I wanted guys to like me and want me. I never figured out that I had OCD I have always had anxiety because j would I get really stress out when talking to strangers or even people in my class. Anyway one day I get really high smoking weed and I had a weird thought that popped into my head which was ( why am I here ) i started obsessing about my existance I was scared that I have lose my memory I would I wake up every single damn day feeling the same way with the same thoughts in my head, I kept questioning if I'm really alive or dead or if I'm in a comma and this is just a dream or my imagination. I was scared that I have lost my identity I just felt awful I had depression I just didn't wanna be alive anymore I kept obsessing n obsessing I kept asking for reassurance j kept googling always on my phone looking for answers I thought I was crazy every time Iheard people saying crazy or mental I would spike and get anxiety attacks I woudo get the every single morning for the past few months. I was obsessing about my hair and me being crazy at the same time I just didn't feel the same at all I couldn't feel emotions towards my family. The only emotions j could feel was towards my boyfriend I loved him with all of my heart he was my everything. After 6/7 months or maybe 8 I was doing really well I kept fearing that I was loosing my memory but I wasn't too bothered I just thought it's the thiughts that are making me feel crazy so I just ignored them as I was rok tired to fight them and analyse them. While I was going through that obsession I was at home all the time I couldn't think straight and some one mention it would be a good idea if I took my kind of it while watching porn so I did. I was sexually active at a young age. anyway I started off with straight porn then I moved onto different types of porn weird n disgusting but after I got bored of normal porn j would move on to weird things. My sex drive was really high for some reason I was constantly thinking about sex I would have sex with my boyfriend about 4/5 times a day but not everyday. I then started watching lesbian porn I don't know why I just did straight porn didn't work on my anymore I watched that and some other disgusting thing that I'm too smashed me to talk about. I was watching porn up to 5 times a day sometimes, and every night before I went to sleep. I kind of got over my obsession but then my brain was looking for something else to obsess about, when I was going through my obsession I slept with another guy I just didn't know how to cope with my brain I though if I do it maybe my obsession will just vanish and so I could take my mind of it. It worked after I realised what I have done i felt horrible I went back to my boyfriend and j couldn't stop obsessing about the fact what I have done it just wouldn't leave my mind it was there 24/7 I would Keeo checking my facebook before my boyfriend woke up. Just incase that guy msged me I kind of got over it because I thought my boyfriend wasn't even there for me while I was having such a horrible time. But then my brain kept looking for something else to obsess about then I started obsessing about the fact that I have slept with more than 19 guys n I never told my boyfriend I just kept obsessing and even though I didn't wanna thing about it it was always in my head it was so annoying I was literally going crazy couldn't sleep after a few weeks I pushed the thiughts aside and j literally forgot how many people I slept with. I was still watching a lot of porn at the time, but I felt like my sex drive wasn't as strong as it was before? I then started imagining things in my head while having sex with my boyfriend they were sort if disturbing but they made me climax.... I had fantasies that I was having sex with his friend instead of my boyfriend. I would have the same fantasy before going to sleep and had dreams about that person, I still loved my boyfriend more than any nothing. But I didn't know what was going on with my sex drive.
My mind keeps telling that the images in my head are my desires but when I'm calm I know they're not but when I'm like this I just feel confused and really scared
Every single day I have the same thoughts and images in my head they do give me tones of anxiety and depress me a lot to the point where I can't eat. But then my head is telling me that I like it but I don't well I hope I don't I wish I didn't have these thoughts in my head I don't know if they're mine or just OCD it's just so scary I feel like I lost my identity... Every morning I wake up I wake up with the same thoughts and analysing my dreams and have huge anxiety attacks every single morning cold sweats and my heart starts to beat really fast and I my stomach turns
I don't think these thoughts belong to my personality they're not who I am well I really hope so they make me really upset and depressed and the uncertainty that they might some how be true makes me have panic attacks
I feel like I can't breathe. I have to force myself to eat most of the time. Other times I binge eat junk food to try and feel better. I'm constantly tense. I don't even get a second of relief from the anxiety and worry and tension and I've dealt with SO much of this crap before, it's pretty much the only way I feel all the time now, the happiness has been sucked out of me. I don't feel like I can feel happy, I can't feel affection or love and if I ever have a fleeting second of it, the OCD swoops in and steals it away in the time it takes for me to blink. I doubt everything.
The more I check the more I feel like I might've attracted to the same sex at first the thought was filled with anxiety n disgust now it feel like I like it n that makes me feel so depressed I can't stop mentally checking I broke down and cried so much today at college I feel like I must be in denial I can't even eat or sleep it feels like I'm going crazy I don't even get anxious anymore
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