ocd with thinking i have hiv

[theman22]

Hello

I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years. When we first started going out we always used condoms. one time we did anal sex and didnt use a condom. after that we used condoms again for a while. then we had unprotected vaginal sex once and then used condoms again for a while. back in november or december we had unprotected vaginal sex again. around the next few weeks problems started to occur. she started getting sick with flu like symptoms. they went away after a week in a half. she went to the gyno and tested negative for hpv but abnormal pap smear. then 2 more times from January to February she got sick again with the same thing. i started panicking thinking it had to do with something with hiv. at that time i didnt have any symptoms except a rash that the doctor said was eczema. i went for a hiv blood test at my doctors office and got the results that i was negative.

Other then my girlfriend i havent had sex with any other girl between the 3 month period. i also want to say the 6 month period to but i have a bad memory and we broke up a few times. after i got my negative test back i started not to worry anymore. for about a week or two later when more stuff started happening. my gf was having problems then i started having a few problems. i havent been tested since and my gf went for another pap smear and it came back normal. on this day i myself am having problems and not so much my girlfriend. for a while i have had a yellow coating on the back of my tongue that i can scrap off but it comes back and it is not painful at all. my throat is usually tight. when i wake up in the morning for about an hour my throat is always sore. i have a few different types of skin rashes on my body that none of them look the same. on the back of my fingers i have a weird rash. i have a rash on the front side of my left armpit just weird little white spots. and around my left elbow i have a few bumps. and ive had dry peeling skin whether its from peeling from the sun or just my skin idk. and i also have a few little red bumps on the inside of my right arm by my armpit.

i called my doctor back and asked how sure she was that the test was right she said 100 percent. and everyone i talk to online says if i tested outside of 3 months then the test is conclusive but with everything in the past i just dont know how to comprehend that this could be right. every symptom i have and google has to do with hiv. i dont know if the girl in the past had hiv or not. im just scared for myself and my girlfriend.

[JGF25]

Honestly, I don't find it weird.  These are the symptoms of OCD.  It is fraught with irrational thoughts and it isn't our fault we can't let them go.  I lost 12 pounds in 3 weeks in May and I still have not put it back on.  I went on medication and now everything is wonderful.  I don't have the thoughts that spin me in circles, that make me sweat with fear, that make me feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin.  

You have got to trust in these doctors.  Is your girlfriend worried?  

Let me also ask you this, do you want to spend every day from here on out thinking all these irrational thoughts?  What do you have to lose by seeing a therapist?  Or from buying the book I mentioned?   What you have is nothing to lose and everything to gain.  You couldn't pay me a million dollars to go back to where I was in May.  I would rather take a pill everyday for the rest of my life than spend my life in anxiety hell.  

Do you think you both getting tested will alleviate your fears?  If so, then I would make the appointment and get it done because there is no use beating yourself up about this when you can both go and get tested.  Hopefully after that, you will be able to let it go.  If not, then you need to move on to option 2 which is seeing a therapist.  

[theman22]

i just got back from the dermatologist and she said that it was eczema. i said it doesnt itch so how is it eczema and she said it just is eczema. like she was so confident. trust me i really want to believe my results. even my mom thinks im crazy when i tell her the past couple of days ive been losing a couple of pounds. i feel like i should start taking pictures of the scale with the date next to it to prove im not making this up. also everytime i talk to my girl she either has a headache or a stomach ache or something new you dont find any of this weird?

[JGF25]

The oldest sexual contact you had at 4 or 5 years ago, would not be a cause of you having HIV.  It has been too long.  You tested negative at more than 3 months after having unprotected sex with your girlfriend so that too means no HIV.  If you doubt the test, then have it again but I'm not sure that even that will make you feel comfortable.  

What I think is going on is you have OCD that has gotten out of control.  You cannot stops the thoughts and they just keep coming and coming.  So you really, at this point, need to go and see a therapist about it otherwise you may keep waking up everyday to these same thoughts and that is no way to live.  

So please consider contacting a psychologist that specialized in cognitive behavioral therapy.  You will be so glad in the end but it does require you to be proactive and make that phone call.  

[theman22]

as much as that talk helped yesterday. i wake up today and begin having problems again. i am going to the dermatologist soon. but every morning my throat is tight some days it hurts a lot but only for an hour after i wake up. but almost everyday it is tight. and in the morning i usually have phlegm. also i dont want to exaggerate because i dont know if it is or isnt a problem. but for a while i have had a yellow coating on the back of my tongue. it doesnt hurt and i could brush it away but it always comes back. recently i started looking closer at my tongue and realized that there is a light coating all on my tongue of white. i can brush it but it comes back it doesnt hurt or bleed and its not on my cheeks or anywhere else. but i am starting to think its oral thrush. and once again i weighed myself today and im down another pound or 2. in 1 day i lose a pound. for the past couple of days. i am not exaggerating at all with the weight. i eat a lot too and im losing weight. but the weird thing is. i want to say 4 or 5 years ago i was with a ex gf that i went out with for little less then a year. we always had unprotected sex because i was young and stupid. so for some reason i feel like my negative test is wrong but how could that be possible over 4-5 years. also my other encounter was definitely outside of the 3 month window period and i would like to say 6 month period but i cant remember because i have bad memory. but it was definitely 3+ months. is it even possible for either one of this to be the case? for some reason i just feel like this test was completely wrong. but it was done by my family doctor who drew blood out of my arm sent it to a lab and they did whatever test and 5 days later i got the result of negative. im so confused and annoyed and fed up. if i didnt have any of these symptoms i would never think this. but my skin rashes, my mouth problem, my throat problem, my losing weight problem, i just dont understand.  

[JGF25]

You are very welcome!  

[theman22]

yea i understand thank you so much for talking you are honestly a good person thank you :)

[JGF25]

The internet is great but at the same time it is awful as well.  When you google something you get everything from A to Z and it really leaves a person confused.  

I'm pretty confident you and your girlfriend are fine.  With anxiety comes a kind of hypersensitivity in that we notice everything with our bodies...things that ordinarily we would be able to let go of.  I know it is hard, believe me, I have been there and I will not ever tell you to just "stop thinking about it" because that is impossible.  What has to happen is for you to learn ways to stop these thoughts before they take on a life of their own and that is where the behavioral therapy comes in.  

I am not sure where you are located but there is a book called Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani.  It has a green cover.  I read the daylights out of this book back in May and it really helped me a lot.  If you can, maybe you can see if you can find it on, of all things, the internet...the good part of the internet :o)  It explains why we think the way we do.  We did not ask for OCD/anxiety, we were born with this predisposition to OCD/anxiety.  It goes over a lot of techniques to self-motivate yourself.  So if you don't want to start right off with a therapist, then try this book.  If as I said, you just cannot get away from the thoughts, then you really need to go and seek professional help because they don't go away on their own and frankly who wants to live this kind of life.  You said you have a "pretty good life" right now...why not make it better, great, wonderful.  There is no reason that you have to suffer with this.  

[theman22]

thank you you are so nice to talk to. i know i tested negative back in feb i wanna say. and before that i know for a fact i was not with anyone else for the 3 month window period except my gf. and i tested negative so idk why im still having problems. just all my symptoms and my gf symptoms its like what is causing this and i google everything and everything is related to hiv. and it all just came in weird timing right after we did it for the first time and has been with us since. and its hard going to the doctor and the doctors are telling me every things normal esp. when a doctor sticks a camera down my throat and sees nothing wrong but i have problems with my throat. its just annoying i wish i can go on and live my life because as of right now i have a pretty good life and i dont want it to change. but for some reason i just feel like something went wrong with the test or something. i cant get the thought out of my head because every time something happens with me i think about ti and every time my gf says shes sick or something thats what i think to.

[JGF25]

I know it is hard to get rid of these thoughts.  Too bad we can't turn them off like a faucet.  

You and your girlfriend sound like you are for sure HIV negative so you need to just keep reminding yourself of that.  Self-talk can go a long way.  Everytime that negative thought pops into your head, replace it was a positive one such as "we have tested negative, therefore there can be no HIV."  

As far as your rashes go, I would just keep an eye on them.  Since you did go to the doctor, we really have to trust in them when they say it is nothing to worry about.  Maybe get a journal and keep track of what is where and whether it comes and goes or whether it itches or not.  It is hard to remember these things when they go on.  That way, if they persist, you can go in with your journal and they can actually see what is going on.  

If you find that you and/or your girlfriend simply cannot get rid of these thoughts, then it is time to think seriously about seeing a psychologist so that they can teach you some cognitive behavioral therapy (ways to calm down and let go of your fears).  

Post again if you need anything else.  

[theman22]

thank you for responding honestly it is just so hard to deal with all of this. my girlfriend went to the doctor a year ago and get tested for herpes and other stds i think or something and everything came back fine. and we have done oral sex a lot of times before she got that test. and she didnt get an hiv test because she only had sex with one other guy before me and it was her ex boyfriend and she said she knew he was clean. idk but i honestly believe her cause she is a germ freak. i tested after the 3 month window period now that i remember and everyone says you are conclusive after 3 months unless you are unhealthy but i have been a healthy kid pretty much all my life no problems

i really do not remember how long i have had this yellow tongue longer than like 6 months probably. i have been to the ear nose and throat doctor and he stuck a camera down my throat and everything and said he saw no problems. and i showed him the yellow on my tongue and he said that it is normal. im not sure how its normal since i dont know a lot of people with it. i am also going to the dermatologist tomorrow so he can look at my rashes but last person i went to looked at my rashes said it was eczema and poison ivy and that was it. i definitely know it wasnt poison ivy because i wasnt around any poison ivy anytime before that. and i dont think my rashes are eczema because all websites say eczema really itches and some say extremely itches and mine do not itch or cause pain or anything.

[JGF25]

If you are truly worried about HIV, then my suggestion would be for you both to get tested.  You did not mention that your girlfriend got tested, only you.  When you get your negative results you can then put this behind you.

As for the other problems, a yellow coating on the tongue can be from things other than an HIV infection.  You could have a bacterial infection, which also may account for why you have a sore throat as well.  A yeast infection can also cause yellow tongue.  As for the rashes, they could have many causes as well.  

The best thing for you to do is to make a visit to your doctor to have your tongue and throat looked at.  The doctor can also look at the rashes and see if you need a referral to a dermatologist.  

I'm sure that you are both fine.  But just to ease your mind, I would make a doctor's appointment.  There is no sense in sitting around and wondering what is the cause for these different things, it is best to get them looked at and treated.