Sad and angry

[Alfie212]

Dear All
My story is long but i am looking for some support. I am a 26 years old male who broke up with his girlfriend last June. I always had some sort of bicurious feelings and last July i met a guy in a hotels spa and i gave him oral for 2 minutes. I felt very stressed after the incident and 10 days later i requested a pcr test which was negative. From 28 days post exposure since 85 days post exposure i got tested 25 times with megative results.
In the meamtime i was experiencing severe psychosomatic symptoms :(
My negative tests made me believe thad had not hiv. However i started thinking that a used lancet was applied to me and this feeling made me continue testing until November :(((
We count 39 tests so far.
All negative. I had a rapid test which was a bit pinky and although the doctor who performed it insited it was negative i could not believe him. So i kept testing until i got another negative pcr test and convinced myself i am negative.
In early december i got a handjob by a male massage parlor. He was from thailand so quite possibly hiv posotive.
It was just a handjob and i felt relaxed until i got a fever. I panicked and since that incident i have been tested 11 times with negative duo tests up to 11 weeks
Doctors in different clinics refuse to test me so i lie and say that i had unptotected sex.
3 days ago i had another hiv test. After the test i lift a heavy bag and my vein started bleeding. I did not notice until i came home and realized that my shirt had red marks
I am freaking out because i fear that i might have been traumatized with a knife and did not notice or with a needle
I even think that hiv positive jumped and entered my bloodstream in a magic way.

I have a lump in my low abdominal area and a dull pain in my groin. My doctor said that it is IBS caused by stress and a recent trip to India.
I keep asking himw hether  my groin glands are swollen and he says no but i dont believe him.

Please note that everytime before going to bed i check all my hiv reports to see that they are indeed negative and i also call the automatic clinic results line to listen to myr esults.
This need is more intense when i am stressed.

I know i am paranoid but i have severe body sympto,s.

I need some help

If eel guilty and i cant believe how obsessed i became in 6 momths :(

[57Carol]

Have you found a therapist? That is the way, and do contact a dr. about meds, they are beneficial, for sure, but the ERP therapy is the only way to go. It actually rewires your brain. Please do it, and let us know when your appointment is. You can do it!

[Alfie212]

Hi all
I collected my 12 weeks hiv negative test after my handjob incident and decided to start therapy.
I am very pessimistic and i feel that i will never be able to overcome my phobia!
I still get armpit and groin pain and my anxiety reaches very high levels!

I have dreams of contamination!

I am so so sad! I am thinking to visit a psychiatrist and ask for medication!

I need something to stop my obsessive mind!

Symptoms dont let me relax! I have a nasty feeling that when i got tested 2 weeks ago i contracted hiv.
My vein did not stop bleeding and did not notice and i am afraid that my blood came in contact with somebody's else blood without noticing!

[Alfie212]

Thank you very much for your help

[57Carol]

look at anyone else's questions on HOCD. I have posted many articles there.

[Alfie212]

Which articles please?

[57Carol]

You say you would be stressed without your testing? Well how stressed are you now? And being afraid of something bad happening, REALLY? And something bad IS CURRENTLY happening to you. You are in torment from your OCD. How much worse could it get if you listened and got therapy? Have you read the articles? Or are you just going to complain and not do anything to try and help yourself?

[Alfie212]

I also feel that if i stop worrying something bad will happen to me

[Alfie212]

All negative once again! U r right in what you say but the idea of stopping testing scares me and stresses me more! I also have bodily symptoms that might be related to my anxiety!
It is a desperate feling

[JGF25]

How many tests do you think it is going to take before you actually believe the results?  I am thinking there is no amount of testing that is going to satisfy you.  Why?  Because you have a mental illness, OCD, HIV anxiety, I don't know but you have a mental illness that is not being treated by a professional.  The whole reason you can't get out of this cycle is because you keep testing.  Every time you test you start the cycle all over again.  Think the thought, over analyze, test, feel better for about two seconds, start second guessing, think the thought, etc.  

Knock it off and instead of spending your money and time getting tested for something you obviously don't have, spend it on a psychologist.    

[Alfie212]

I really believe that i got hiv from a handjob:(
I am sure they will call me tomorrow from the clinic
I make very bad thoughts
I am a horrible person
:(

[57Carol]

You have had over 40 tests, all negative, and yet you think they may have overlooked something, the lab switched results, used unsanitary equipment, blah, blah, blah. This is OCD's monster control of you. It will never be satisfied. You need to get therapy, (give up the tests, the doctors are right!), and stop having sex with strangers.

Please read all of the articles I have posted on others' questions re: HIV and uncertainty, as I am too tired to look them all up and post again.