is this ocd or paranoia?

[milalane0]

Please help answer my questions! I'm sorry if I sound ridiculous but here's what's going on. The other day I hit my elbow in the doorway and it was my sore arm. I don't believe I saw any marks on my skin around where I hit it but first I want to state that situation. The second thing going is while talking with a coworker that same day regarding my sore arm and also how I banged my elbow  that day we were discussing the areas of which are called on an arm such as deltoid etc... anyway the guy took his hand and squeezed my arm where u said the pain was and he was like saying that is your deltoid and then he touched under my arm and was telling me what that part of the arm was. Anyway it was my bare arm as I was wearing short sleeves. As he was touching my arm I noticed he had a small red cut/ hang nail and it was either bleeding slightly or recently was bleeding and just stopped. So when he was touching my arm I couldn't focus on anything else such as where he was touching or what he was saying because I was afraid of his blood cut hangnail. Anyway before that whole scenerio we had weird conversations such as how his girlfriend works in a lab and has to be careful as some items could have hiv on them so she wears gloves and Google etc... I was freaked out and said I would never be able to work in an environment like that. We also spoke about how I thought it was disgusting that people sleep around and he said he didn't and if that's the personal choice they want to make then why judge and let them do what they want. So we were just having weird conversations because we weren't busy and so I've said before days and months before this I'm afraid of blood and needles and germs and everyone knows that and think I'm irrational at times which I am. So this person I'm talking to is saying stuff like he personally would never inject drugs but has a friend who has a friend who's brother does and etc.. some days at work I make remarks about stuff being gross or how I personally am not attracted to African Americans or how I would never lie to someone because that's not the right thing to do and just random things that may come sounding racist but I'm not or just maybe offensive but not intentionally. So after I give u this background of stuff thus person and I have spoke about that same day I hit my sore arm in the elbow we were once again just chatting about how this person knows someone who's sister dates this random guy and he was a heroin addict and she left him after finding that out and got tested to be sure she didn't catch anything  and so any conversation like this gives me anxiety because I don't like talking about scary stuff like that. Anyway my main point of the story is while he was using his hand with the gross bloody hang nail that wasn't even bleeding really he was touching parts of my arm just explain what they were ( I don't like being touched) but anyway after that I quickly examined my arm thinking maybe he poked me with a hypodermic needle and I just didn't realize it? Then I got home and was looking everywhere in my arm and near my elbow I noticed a round red dot which makes Me think that is where he poked me with a needle. Before I found that dot I saw a tiny dot on my upper arm that I believe was there before almost like a tiny red freckle but I was thinking hie do I know if he poked me with a dirty needle there. My issue is based on our Conversations maybe he thinks I'm ignorant or maybe he has hiv (probably not) but what if he knows of someone or something and is insulted by my opinions so that he brought a hypodermic needle in and what better time to poke me with it while touching my arm. Sometimes I feel as if people are out to get me. He knows that about me and I thought it was weird he said that about himself that same day he touched my arm. Basically he said I too think people are out to get me but just not as bad as u do. What does that mean? Do you honestly think based on all the conversations and events I listed that he poked me with a dirty needle to punish me because maybe he was mad or didn't like my opinions? Would I know if he did poke me or could there be a situation where I would barely feel it? I'm so stressed out and depressed now. Because there is a tiny red dot on my arm that maybe happened from banging my arm but why a tiny red dot that looks like someone poked me. If this dot goes away fairly fast I'll be really scared thinking it was really a needle poke. Am I being irrational is this my general fear phobia of hiv or am I just plain straight paranoid. Please help me figure this out. Do you think I sh I use be worried about hiv?

[JGF25]

Of course I am not in an OCD crisis at this time because I went to therapy, learned CBT, sat in an AIDS clinic, and take medication.  If you don't think I understand you, then I'm sorry.  I'm here to guide you to resources and tell you what I know doesn't work from past experience.  I am 50 years old and I have been battling OCD for a very long time.  We are never truly OCD free but rather we learn to manage it.  What people don't understand on this forum is that I cannot fix you...only you can do that.  I can certainly reassure you but when people constantly come back with other "instances" then I realize that my reassurance is only feeding into the problem.  

Good luck and I do hope you find a way to get past this thought.  

[milalane0]

Ya well I don't want it. no matter if its not a death sentence or whatever. I am just going to move on I know I had no risk and its just my OCD. This support ground or chat or whatever this is ...does not help me because only people that actually have ocd NOW AT THIS TIME and have not overcome it can understand me.

[milalane0]

Ya well I don't want it. no matter if its not a death sentence or whatever. I am just going to move on I know I had no risk and its just my OCD. This support ground or chat or whatever this is ...does not help me because only people that actually have ocd NOW AT THIS TIME and have not overcome it can understand me.

[JGF25]

It is a topic of discussion because nobody wants to get it.  It is kind of like herpes.  Nobody wants the stigma of being HIV positive or Herpes II positive either.  If you are positive your life changes because you have to tell any future partners that you are positive.  It carries a negative connotation with it and that is why people are concerned about it.  

HIV is no longer a death sentence.  People take medication and live out long lives.  Look at Magic Johnson....he is still alive, I'm sure he is still having protected sex with his wife after all these years and yet she has not become HIV positive.  

I would say the only source you should look at is the CDC website.  Nothing else.  

[milalane0]

I have been reading your posts over and over again and I know you are right and you say you know what it feels like to be out of control like me.
One thing I am stuck on that you said in one of your posts to me that is starting to make me feel better is "Hiv has to get deep into the tissues to form an infection" I think I have heard of that before but where can i read about that on a site that is reliable. basically if that is the case then getting poked by needles, first off you would definitely feel it and secondly it would have to be deep into your arm (which would hurt and you know you would feel) to form an infection...as hiv is hard to transmit.
since it is hard to transmit how come every story out there makes people be so afraid of getting the disease because of how much information there is about it and how doctors and schools and etc stress about it...if it is so hard why is it such a talked about topic with young people and even everyone in just general?

[milalane0]

Ya well  I have heard of that and read stories of people infecting people on purpose. so I disagree. how can you say that is not going to happen to me.
I realize I am in a situation of crisis where it effects my everyday life.
I understand my problems and anyone with ocd like mine could understand that.
I am going to try to see a psychologist but you know what I would not check into a hospital  I am not a nutcase. nutcases are people that actually think the way they act or what they say or do is right. I realize I am extreme I just cant stop it. so sorry for upsetting you.

[JGF25]

Straight from the CDC

"HIV does not survive long outside the human body (such as on surfaces), and it cannot reproduce. It is not spread by

Air or water.
Insects, including mosquitoes or ticks.
Saliva, tears, or sweat. There is no documented case of HIV being transmitted by spitting.
Casual contact like shaking hands or sharing dishes.
Closed-mouth or “social” kissing
Toilet seats."

I'm going to come right out and say that you are in a crisis situation.  You are all over the place and yes I know how desperate that feels.  That is why you need to see somebody NOW!!!  Call your psychologist and make an emergency appointment.  You need to learn how to deal with these thoughts and right now I don't think you have any idea how to do that.  You don't know how to squash them but only how to run with them.  

It is like the boy who cried wolf.  At some point your doctor isn't going to send you for testing anymore.  And nobody, and I mean nobody is going to infect you intentionally.  

Please seek medical attention.  If you can't get to a psychologist then you may want to consider checking yourself into the hospital so that you can get this under control.  It is very hard to do the chores of daily life when your mind is constantly playing games with you and you can't stop it.  

[milalane0]

Also, when I go to the doctors to get a test or any type of procedure I feel since they know of my crippling fear of hiv and my anxiety and phobia that they may just get fed up with me and intentionally try to infect me.

[milalane0]

Can you just tell me how it isn't a real exposure though? if its blood and I am wiping...my vagina.
Also, just reading that you said at the clinic gives me anxiety but I think that is great that you could do that!
I wont be able to do something like that because I am afraid.
can I tell you something. after I saw the blood on the toilet paper I thought what if he put some sort of needle in the toilet paper as I wasn't using the one on the wall just using the tp from out of the package on the shelf ( I know weird) but anyway I am thinking what if I was poked by a small needle (with a tiny barrel) while wiping didn't notice and that is the blood I saw. I am really scared.  is that even possible. I feel like I have to get out of here I cant work at a place where I feel like someone is trying to infect me.

[JGF25]

You cannot get HIV this way.  After a REAL exposure, a negative test at 3 months is definitive.  What you have to realize is you are going to find things to worry about all the time until you get psychological help and learn CBT.  Sometimes you need to have exposure therapy.  For instance I sat in an AIDS clinic on my lunch hour for a few weeks to get over my own HIV anxiety.  

[milalane0]

now I have a new worry. went to bathroom at work wiped and saw orange/red smudge on toilet paper...definitely did not come from me. great so can you get hiv that way? what if someone accidently got blood on the Tp and I wiped. is that a way of transmission. its one thing after another and its exhausting. can you imagine thinking you have a disease all the time? have you had this happen to you?
I am going to see someone to talk to them about it but I don't want medicine as I have tried several and it doesn't work and all I get are side effects. tell me this. if I do give in and test..which I know isn't a good idea. the post exposure is 12 weeks but I never get to 12 weeks because something always happens to me. anyway getting a negative is a good thing right because not everyone has to wait 12 weeks technically can you show anything at any time. you already said I don't need to test but if I do test...now that my first issue was a week ago and my second was yesterday with the toilet paper..what about testing  next week end of week should I be satisfied with the negative result then?

[JGF25]

No you don't need testing.  Part of OCD is reassurance seeking and that is what you are doing.  What I told you should be enough but you are still looking for more.  This is the cycle of OCD which is why you need to get help.  Doubt is such a big part of the disorder.  Here is a link to a very good article about OCD.  Also, your testing is keeping you in the OCD loop.  At some point you need to say ENOUGH and say you are not going to give into these thoughts and behaviors.  Stop analyzing them.  Stop the moment you start to think about it.  Self-coach yourself.  Let me know when you set up your therapy appointment.  

Good book:  Self-coaching by Joseph Luciani

Article:

http://www.wsps.info/index.php?catid=0:&id=82:ten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd&option=com_content&view=article

What I don't want to see is you reading these things and asking me the exact same questions.  I can't fix you...only you can do that and it starts with therapy.  I promise you though that you will get better with the right help and that help may be solely in the form of CBT or it may require medication as well.  I myself take medication.  

[milalane0]

Yes, I have anxiety over it but why does it feel so real like this person would do something like this to me based on our conversations and me stating my opinions that maybe this person would not like, agree with, or perhaps be offended by. Why is there a round pink dot on my arm? My mind is telling me where can be these needles of all different sizes perhaps very small that someone can hold in their hand while just touching your arm perhaps like my situation just pointing out the different parts of the arm and what those areas are called and then all of a sudden while doing that they can just insert a dirty needle real quick and not know. I am scared and wondering if I am going to get over this thought? Just the mere fact that this person was talking about hiv and how they knew someone who knows someone who is a heroin addict and stuff and then I was saying that you can catch hiv one of the main ways through sharing needles I am thinking they got ahold of a dirty needle since I said that is the way to transmit it and brought it to work to use on me because they don't like my ignorant opinions or whatever. I know you already answered my questions and I appreciate it but is there anything else you can say to me to make me feel better something really truly your opinion that this honestly cannot happen without me knowing and that my thoughts are really irrational? I mean I told this person you can go to jail for purposely infecting someone and they were like oh really like what do they charge you with manslaughter? and just the fact he asked that questions makes me nervous that this did happen. Please help me! I am going to seek help but is there anything else you can say to me? do I need testing? I already had testing so many times because I am always having a situation like this.
please help.

[JGF25]

Have you been diagnosed previously with HIV Anxiety or OCD?  These two things make us think irrationally and when we are in that irrational state, we can make ourselves believe just about anything.  

Here are a few things for you to think about.  Do you remember the last time you had a shot?  Flu shot maybe?  If not then I will tell you that you do not mistake the fact that somebody just shoved a needle into your arm.  It hurts and it bleeds so no, I do not believe people can be poked with a needle and not know it.  

The second things is that HIV dies once it comes into contact with air.  HIV has to get deep into the tissues to form an infection.  Think about it this way, if I took a needle with HIV tainted blood in it and immediately poked myself with it, I would have less than 0.5% chance of becoming infected.  HIV is very hard to transmit.  unprotected vaginal intercourse and anal intercourse with an infected person are methods of transmission because of the minute tears that occur during sex.  But even then, it is not 100%.  Thank God HIV is not spread like the flu otherwise everybody would have it.  

I think you need to see a psychologist to get help with this.  Take care.

[milalane0]

Please someone answer!