This would be the second time this has happened, by the way.
The first time, I was in my freshman year of high school. I was dating this one guy, and was freaking out about how I really felt about him. That eventually turned into "what if I'm a lesbian? Am I in love with my best friend?" It passed about three weeks later...
Well, I'm dating another guy. He's a great guy. Unfortunately, a few days into our relationship, he left for boot camp (he's USMC), and I was like "alright, we can do this". Well, over halfway through his boot camp stay, I started wondering if I really loved him (because it is human nature to run away from things that scare us. Of course, I really love him. I've been with him for a while, and he's a great guy.. he's a sweetheart). About January, a few weeks before his boot camp graduation, I started wondering if I was a lesbian.
And, it's June, and it's been on and off since then. I get a tingling feeling now whenever I think about being with a girl, but I shy away from it. I don't want to be gay. I know that my family would accept me, I'm not worried about that. I'm not worried about my friends accepting me.
I'm just absolutely terrified of being a lesbian. I'm afraid to be around other girls now, and unwanted thoughts pop into my head about being with them. Yeah, I'm a frequent porn watcher, but I'm always more fascinated in the sex part.. not the women... or the guys, actually, unless they really catch my eye. I watch GAY porn (not lesbian porn, but I used to, and it never really affected me any), and I like gay porn.
I'm also still a virgin (16), and I'm afraid that if/when I sleep with my Marine, that I'll realize that I'm not interested in men at all. I'm terrified of sex. Not the performance issues... I don't know what it is. I'm just afraid of it. I have something telling me to wait.
But, I believe that I'm afraid because I'm a lesbian.
Or, I'm just going through the motions of having a boyfriend because it's what I've always done.
I recently read an article that said that gay people had opposite-gender friends and did opposite-gender things. When I was little, I hung out with mostly boys. I climbed trees. I rode my bike. I was outside often. I had two female friends, and a guy friend... A few other guy friends, but I never really played with them as much...
I don't think I'm gay, but I just want someone to tell me I'm not. I'm so confused, and crying, and upset. I don't want to be gay. It holds no pleasure for me. I just want to have a husband and kids, not a wife and kids.
And as I was typing husband and kids, 'wife and kids' came into my head.
God, I'm terrified.