Stepchildren call their mom while visiting?

[zuriel2007]

How often should my stepdaughter age 7 call her mom while visiting?  I'm not sure if her mom has encouraged her to call often. I have known my stepdaughter since age 1 and she comes over every other weekend, Christmas break, and summers.  Recently, she has begun calling her mom while visiting with us.  She calls her mom 10 to 20 times a day and gives her mom a play by play update. I feel like my privacy has been violated by her mom.  How often should I allow her to call?

[Jessx3]

My brother went through a similiar thing with his son.  His son would call home to his mother and become physically upset.  My brother and his wife assumed it had something to do with the mother.  My brother prohibited him from calling his mom while visiting and they started screening phone calls and listening in when he did talk to his mom.  They later discovered that my nephew had an anxiety disorder, not caused by his mother.  But because his mother had sole custody and he spent the majority of his life with her, he would become anxious at the distance between them, 200 miles.  Since discovering this, and becoming more aware of the signs and what to do for him when he does become like this, his visits have been much better and there are fewer calls home.  Hope this helps at all.  I know that there are parents out there who will play their children against the other parent.  I also know how terrible it is, my mother did it with myself and my siblings growing up.  I certainly can sympathize with the child.  Communication with the child is key and let her know what your intentions are and that she is free to make phone calls home, but only during call time.  Try not to dwell on the fact that her mother may be causing this, it may only make things worse for the little girl.

[nyychic]

I have 2 step children and their mother would call us anywhere from 2 times a day to 20 times a day to talk to the children when they were with us.  I finally got so upset about it, she was calling asking them "did you brush your teeth today?" or "did you take your shower" implying that I cannot parent or my husband cannot parent.  I have 4 children with my husband.  We can parent!!  Point being that we took our caller id in with us for a meeting with the mediator (my husband had filed for custody of the children a while back) and showed her the excessive calling.  They informed the mother that she could only call once a week.  In most cases I would have broken that rule.  I mean once a week if my hubby and I split I'd want to talk to my babies once a day while they were there.  I always talk to my children once a day if I'm away.  But the thing is that the talk was so rude and degrading that I would have to say that it was time to back off.  We followed it for some time.  Now my step children are almost grown my step son is 20 and step daughter is 16.  She has a cell phone that I pay for and her mother calls her almost everyday when she's here.  But she doesn't ask the "is there house clean" or "have you brushed your teeth" but she's still rude in her way like asking the child "is that all you guys do over there is watch tv?)  I feel like saying yeah I have 4 children under 10 years old and all we do is sit on our a$$e$ and watch television.  My two year old sits there with us.  yeah right I can't get her to sit down in the tub let alone all day for tv!!  LOL are you kidding me?  Sittin' around eatin' bon bons that's my life!!  (not even in my dreams) lol.  ANyway you have to make boundaries and live by them I think that a call at night before bed is appropriate as long as the convo. is appropriate.  Explain to the child that it's okay to want to share with her mother the things that she does with you guys but that they only have a short time with her and that you want to spend it with her, as opposed to with her talking on the phone to her mother.  Tell her that it's okay to want to share the things that she does with you guys but to do it when she gets home that way you guys can have more time together.  See how that works and of course by the time she gets home less details are remembered and you feel less invaded!  I used to feel that way too when she would tell her mother everything.  Now I just want to kick her mothers @$$ she likes to say hateful things about my children to her children, (they are my kids older siblings ya know) so it's been a long hard road.  Seems like you have your head on pretty straight about it though.  Good luck

[zuriel2007]

Thank you for the advice.  Yes, I have seven total children and we are always on the go.  We go swimming, which everyone enjoys, and we bike ride, go to the parks, baseball games, etc.... My stepdaughter always grabs the cell phone w/o permission and calls her mom.  I don't mind her calling her mom but 10 to 20 times makes me feel uncomfortable.  My husband doesn't see anything wrong with it; however, he is always working.  So, I think the good night call will have to be enforced when she comes back in August and my husband needs to let her mom know in advance so no feelings are hurt.  Thanks again!

[margypops]

This does seem excessive, do you talk to the Mom,if you do perhaps you could mention it is a lot of calling, I am asuming you do activitys with the child it must curtail them a lot if she has to go call Mom that much. Perhaps her Dad could say something to the Mom, as it probably does come from her .For the little girls sake she needs to have quality time with you and her Dad and this must interfere with it. Make sure you are doing stuff with her going out playing games Visiting Family .and then you can truthfull say it is too much. Have a desigated time for her to speak to her Mom I would say once a day in the evening is sufficient.