absent fathers

[sonbrid27]

How can i help my beautiful son deal with his absent father i ve reared him on my own for eleven years and been subjected to verbal emotional and financial abuse from his father from day one but managed to hid this from my son but it came to a head two years ago and he walked out on his son in order to make life hard for me and i ve had enough. I ve had to tell my son the truth and he s changed for the worse since this has happened. He s filled with hatred towards his father and feels unloved and hates himself and the world im watching him slowly disintegrate i ve tried counselling but he wont go he s says it too painful to speak about can anyone suggest anything to help.

[michrdias]

I can relate to you and it is very frustrating and heartbreaking as a mother... I will tell you my story and then things we have done tried and go through and what not...

I have known my sons father since I was 14, I thought he was the one. We dated for a short while then he was 17 and went to the rival high school. We lost contact for about 5 years. When I was 19 we found each other started dating. After the 3rd time we slept together I got pregnant. (we used protection) I was happy, scared, and just full of emotions when I found out I was pregnant. He was up and down whether he wanted the baby or not. Finally his family and few friends convinced him that the child was not his, so the remainder of my pregnancy was about him wanting me to have an abortion or adoption. He became very verbally and emotionally abuse at that point.. Well as we know the story ends with me having my son... :) best thing ever to happen to me.. He went as far as not being on his birth certificate and having a court do a test.. Well it came back as his at 99.89999999% so we added him to the birth certificate (that is one thing I regret) He actually became a decent dad from that point but was still very abusive towards me and even when my son was 3 and 4 would tell him things like that he was smarter then his mom and that they would get his current girlfriend to referred to as mom and call me by my first name and said I that there is no reason he should pay child support.

Well he married one of the many girls he had around my son (who abused my son and cps and courts did nothing) He knocked her up. Apparently they were both physically abusive since she was arrested twice, once in front of my son while pregnant and once in front of me and my son when her child was a month old. anyways... He lost all contact with that child because of there abusive relationship... My son 6 yrs old at this time. His dads tells us he is taking off and does not know when he will be back or if he will... That through my son for a loop, he went through all the emotions angry hate acting out depression feeling it was his fault etc. I was able to get him to talk to someone but it was more like a friend ship then a Dr patient relationship and that I think made it easier for my son.. He drew pictures of his dad dieing and burning in a volcano, he drew pictures of how sad he felt when he talk to him and having him gone. One thing my son loved and really helped him is that I always let him know regardless I loved him and would always be there and named off other stable people in his life, we took a couple cartons of eggs and used markers and wrote things on them that made us hurt, angry  and sad and stuff.. He did not have to share with me the things he wrote unless he wanted to. Then we found a place that we could through the eggs and smash them... It released a lot of feelings he had built up.. My son is 11 yrs old now. His dad has only been in and out about 5 times if that since he took of 6 yrs ago. (my son will be 12 very soon)

My son understands that his dad loves him but for what ever reason just cant seem to be around, he also does not make the effort to contact his father he says if his dad wants to see or talk to him then he can make the effort since he is the one that left.

All that we have gone through has been horrible. And as a mother it ***** to have happen. There is nothing that will help a mother other then finding someone to talk to and just being the best mom that you can. If you ever need anything feel free to shoot me an email, if your son has questions he can also talk with me or my son... My son sometimes still gets sad since all his friends seem to have there mom and dad in there life so he feels he is missing out and does not have a friend who knows what it is like to go through what he has gone through.

Best luck to you and your child. :)

[specialmom]

Ouch.  This is hard to read.  I'm so sorry that his dad takes out things on his child.  That sickens me and saddens me.  You are obviously a loving mother and I would keep being just that.  Keep your home as stable and routine.  I'd make sure you keep him very very active.  If he does any outside of school things, punch it up.  Free time will be his worst enemy as time goes on as he is possibly at risk now for things you don't want your kids to get into.  Numbing pain is common and the things he has said to you make him a candidate for numbing his pain---  you don't want that.  

So, whatever you can keep him focused on that is healthy and positive, do so.  also, if there are others in his life that are male such as your father or if you have a brother, extra time with them is a good idea.  

I'd provide your son with his fathers phone number and address.  that way you are out of the scenario and maybe they will reconnect at some point.  Hate and anger is often just hurt.  Your boy is hurting that his father is rejecting him.  I guess for his best interest, that they reconcile and his father connects with him again would be something that I hope for.  Granted, the guy sounds like a loser and a jerk----  but having contact with both parents is something kids long for deeply.  

I'd keep an open door policy for either talking to you or a counselor.  

I'm so sorry.  I'm sure this makes you feel helpless and heartbroken for your child.  May he find peace and you as well.