Agree, well said specialmom!
Couple of thoughts. First, I think that when you end up blowing up and yelling, this becomes a viscious cycle. It is hard to say--------- don't yell while yelling at them. They aren't going to be able to control themselves as young children when you can't as an adult. So, I'd try to keep your calm and talk to them in a quiet, controlled voice. I press my tongue to the roof of my mouth when I feel like exploding or take deep breaths------ but it does escalate and perpetuate a problem of tantrums when the parents lose it too.
Second, while I understand you are a teacher-------- what exactly are a 4 and 6 year old studying? They may like to do some fun work sheets, color, or read with a grown up---------- but they aren't reading the annuls of literature at that point. 4 and 6 year olds like to play, be played with and have fun. If they get plenty of that, the academics usually go better. My 6 year old does much better sitting down for 15 or 20 minutes of "home work" after he's had some physical play. So make sure you have realistic expectations and are providing lots of the other fun stuff too.
I agree with the above. Telling your children that you will not talk to them while they are shouting or crying is very effective (has been for me). I say I can't understand you while you are crying, calm down and I will listen. I try to give my kids some choices too. I control the choices so it isn't like they are getting their way---- they just feel like they have more control over things and then are more apt to follow through.
Lastly, I'm big on posative reinforcement and praise to motivate kids. Most kids like to feel like they've done a good job. Most kids like to earn something such as a bean in a jar for good behavior or following through and when they get enough beans, they get to pick something to do with mom. My kids earn coins to------- it is amazing what I can get them to do for a nickle!!! So work on switching their tactics of attention seeking to posative attention.
One last thing------ work very hard to get rid of the perfectionistic attitude. With kids, this can rub off and have very bad results. Children pick up on it and don't want to do things because they can't do it perfect. They become very hard on themselves. I will tell you that some of the most unhappy people I dealt with were those that were perfectionists. Life will never be perfect and demanding that it is sets one up to be unhappy. Systematic and routine is okay as long as you don't go crazy when you need to be flexible.
Good luck to you!!!
I'm not sure i understand 'mark up with the world?' In regard to your son's, the next time you ask them to do something, and they have a tantrum (or meltdown as i like to call them!), totally ignore them. By having a tantrum, they want your attention thinking you'll give in and they wont have to do what you tell them to.
After the first tantrum, go back and ask them to do what you want them to again and, if they have a tantrum, let them go again. In time they'll soon realise that your not going to give in to them, and eventually, they realise their tantrums become ineffective as they don't get what they want/get their own way. It will be difficult to start with, but if your consistent with it, i'm sure you'll see results in their behaviour.
Of course this isn't going to work all of the time, i mean we always try/use different strategies for different situations with kids. all the best :)