3 Year Old Child Behavior out of control. Please assist

[MailOrderNinja]

My son is 3 years old and sometimes has me at the end of my rope.  Me and my wife have tried everything with him.  We've done time out, we've spanked, we've not spanked, we've tried reward vs discipline nothing has worked.

A little background, both myself and my wife work all day.  He is in daycare now though for the first year and a half of his life he spent in the care of her obese sister who I'm pretty sure just let him do whatever he wanted mostly watching tv all day.  He got kicked out of several real daycares after that and eventually he acted really good with another home daycare though we are pretty sure it was a case of her letting him watch tv all day and doing what he wanted again.  He is currently enrolled in a speech therapy / behavior preschool type program but he only goes 2 hours 2 days a week then he is back to his current daycare which I dont' think really does any sort of activities besides herding kids from room to room.

Alot of the questions on these forums and others are from moms or dads who stay home with there child all day.  That is not a feasible option here.  We both have to work in order to provide for our son.  When we are home he is often unruly.  When he is good he is really good.  An angel.  But he often throws horrible tamptrums and spanking or time out just makes them worse.  He hits and kicks at both of us, throws things, stomps his feet and so forth.  Because he can't talk well he can't really convey what he is so angry about though he understands what I say and he can understand something like "Take that toy back to your bedroom and put it in the toybox.".  He just doesn't always follow it.

Today I went to daycare and they told me that he hit a teacher last week and when he got in trouble he went over and tore up their wooden easel cause he was angry.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong.  I know I have made mistakes.  I would never pretend I haven't.  I've let him watch too much tv, I've rough housed with him too much (thats how my father always played with me) and I don't get to spend much time with him.  What can I do to correct his behavior now though?  I think he is about to be kicked out of another daycare and I'm at the end of my rope.

Thanks for any help you can provide.

[margypops]

He is hitting and kicking because you have taught him to by hitting him, as you say it doesnt work the only reason to do it is because it soothes your temper, so stop that,instead of dwelling on punishment walk in his shoes.. think it out, he has been in daycare where even you state all they do is herd children from room to room, you say there is no feasable option ,is there no way you can adjust either your hours or your wifes to spend more time with him, he is frustrated,yes rough housing can also be the cause of some extreme behavior, so how about you start to change some of these things you know yourself are affecting his behavior,correct the mistakes you say you have made,hes only 3 year old you may want to rethink the daycare and put him into one that stimulates children better. How about you take him out for ball games outside activities, instead of the rough housing. Instead of focusing on punishment focus on his positive side and praise him when you see him doing something right. You are the parent you can turn this around,,Good Luck