12 Year old viewing porn

[momofone1986]

My son is home for approx. one hour in the afternoon before I get home from work.  Today I looked at the history of the internet and see that he was viewing porn.  I feel partially to blame, since I work and because I haven't set any parental controls.  What discipline would be suitable for my 12 year old?

[RockRose]

Honestly, a 12 year old ought not be able to count on a reliable hour of being unsupervised each day.  

No discipline,  in my opinion,  is suitable for very normal healthy curiosity.  He is developing strong sexual feelings,  and is extremely curious,  and he's left alone with a computer for an hour a day.  Why punish normal?

Do you have anyone who can supervise him?  A 12 year old should be left alone for a reliable hour a day after school,  this is when pregnancies occur.  Honestly.  

[RockRose]

oops,  meant to say should NOT be left alone for a reliable hour a day after school.  

[Kage_no_Taren]

If you can find a 12 year old boy who doesn't look at porn, I'll answer the question.  Seriously, it's normal...I'd be more concerned if he -didn't-.  

[April2]

Kage, no offense but this whole forum is for PARENTS of teens to chat about raising their teens. This is NOT for teens to give advice to parents. Of course, you'd say it's normal. You're not a parent yet. You're still a teen. You may change your mind once your child is a teen, at least I'd hope so.

momofone, it's good that you're staying on top of this. I've seen the devastating affects pornography has over and over. It nearly tore apart my friends' marriage. There is nothing good that can come out of watching or looking at or participating in perverted sex, especially for a young boy who is just coming into puberty. All it can do is teach him that women are objects to be used and that sex is just that, sex, instead of something that should be between two people who love and RESPECT each other. There is no respect going on in porn. It's all about selfish gratification.

I don't think you should punish him. He was curious and that's normal. I do think you should sit down and calmly talk to him about all of this and explain how this is not a healthy way to learn about sex. Tell him that you'd be happy to answer any questions he may have but that looking at porn is not ok or acceptable in your home or elsewhere as long as he's a minor. Explain to him the devastating effects this can have on him and any future relationship he might have.  

Next, I'd recommend you do what we did. We put a spyware or monitor on our computer to monitor all activity. We use Spectra Soft. It's the best $100 we ever spent. We all need to be held accountable from time to time, especially children who are so vulnerable and easy to influence. Explain to him that you will be monitoring the computer from now on and if you see any more porn, bad language or anything else you don't think is appropriate from him, then you will take away computer privileges until he can show he can be responsible and be trustworthy. Another thing I'd watch is the Myspace thing. You can allow him to have a Myspace but tell him that you must know the password and that you will check it from time to time. It's not private. Anybody can see it anyway.

It's our job as parents to guide and protect our children. If you put any boundaries on your children, it would mean you simply don't care about them. It's obvious you do care and he will someday thank you for that, probably not till he's an adult! But he will appreciate it someday.
I know raising teens can be challenging! I've been there twice over and have another one not there yet. I learned a lot through trial and error, the biggest one being you can't always be their pal. Yes, it's good to be able to talk, etc., but you have to be their parent first. My daughter and I now have a good relationship but there was a time there we really had to pull in the reigns because she was out of control. She has now earned back our trust and we're very proud of how she's turned around her life. Parenting sure isn't easy, especially parenting teens, but it can have wonderful results in the end!
Best wishes to you and God bless!

[Kage_no_Taren]

I'm not posting on here as a teenager, I'm posting on here as someone with a better than average understanding of psychology.  For a 12 year old boy, some degree of sexual exploration is normal.  The first thing that that involves, obviously, is masturbation.  Almost all men need some kind of visual stimulus, especially in the absence of any actual experience, again, normal.    So where is the not normal?  
And I don't see where it says that this is a forum for -parents- to discuss teenagers.  All I can see that it says is that it's a forum for discussing the -parenting- of teenagers.  I also don't see where it says that teenagers aren't allowed to post here.  And at any rate, I'm 17, old enough to have some objectivity on 12 year olds.  
I do peer counseling and keep up with the research...that arguably puts me in a -better- position than some parents to be giving advice.  
Attacking my age as evidence of my lack of credibility is effectively ad hominim.  

[April2]

You're not posting as a teenager? I'm sorry, but you are a teenager. And you may think you know so much more than anyone else because you took Psychology (which I have too, by the way and many others) but the point is, you're not a parent of a teen and you simply don't have the life experience yet that you can only gain by time and going through certain experiences.
I think it's pretty arrogant to say just because you do peer counseling that you have more experience and knowledge than parents of teens. Unbelievable. And yes, this is a forum for PARENTING OF TEENS but whatever, I'm done talking to you. You obviously know everything there is to know anyway.
And I will always stand by what I said about pornography. I've seen too much damage it can do.
I did not attack your age, by the way. I think you're a little too sensitive. I simply said that this is a forum for parenting teens just as there is a forum for parenting toddlers, etc. We had this confusion when the forum first started up and teens were coming on here. I was just clarifying what this forum is supposed to be, parents helping other parents. We all need that support.

[Kage_no_Taren]

I never said I knew everything that there is to know.  Please cut back on the hostility a little.  I've done my best to be polite to you, and had hoped that I might get the same in return.  
I didn't say that I knew more than all parents of teens.  In fact I specifically said -some- parents, and in addition used a qualifier: "arguably".  I also never said that I "know so much more than everyone else", only that my understanding of psychology is better than average.  
For the record, what you said was that because I'm 17 (and for apparently no other reason), my perspective on whether it is normal for a 12 year old boy to look at porn isn't valid.  Since age does not equate w in any understandable way with my understanding of the subject, it's ad hominim.  Attack was perhaps to strong a word, but it's the one I usually use, and most people don't call me oversensitive on account of it.  
You don't need to be a parent of a teen to discuss the parenting of teens.  That way my point.  You did not initially say that it was "to discuss the parenting of teens" you said that it was for -parents- specifically do do to.  

[April2]

No hard feelings, Kage. Sorry if I seemed to be attacking you. I do get sensitive about the issue of pornography because I've seen the terrible damage it can do. I saw it nearly tear apart a friend's marriage, and others. My own son looked at it when he was about this age and it made me sick to my stomach that my little boy saw such garbage. We did have a long talk with him about how that's not normal sex and how it exploits women. I think it teaches people, especially vulnerable kids, that to use people for sex if fine and normal. There's never any love or caring shown. It's just using people. So, I do get sensitive about this subject, but I'm sorry if I came across too harshly with you.

I can tell by the way you write that you are a very intelligent young lady and I think it's great if you want to help others. But it's true that sometimes you actually have to experience or go through things, like being a parent of a teen, before you can relate to things. Let me tell you, I've learned so much just these last few years of being a parent of a teen! The first thing I learned was to stop being so naive and thinking my kid would never try something just because of how we taught them and tried to protect them. I've really had to learn to let my daughter go more and really to just trust God with her more. The tighter I tried to hold on to her, the more she rebelled. I think being the parent of a teen is the hardest job on earth! I really do.I love my kids with all my heart and always wanted to protect them but couldn't protect them from everything. I guess that's why I rely so heavily on my faith. I'm always praying for their protection and guidance. Like all parents, I just want them to turn out well and be a good person. I'm extremely proud of my daughter now. She went through a rough time for awhile there but has pulled through and is doing beautifully now. She's a strong person. I know she'll go far in life.
Again, my apologies if I came on too strong. I have no issues with you. I don't even know you! I do see that you are trying to help others, just as I am, and I can appreciate that. Take care and God bless,
April

[babygirl6152]

you guys are missing the whole point- either mom says the porn is allowed or not- the first look has already been DONE- it's done. My boy had to go to confession when he was caught the 2nd time- and little more was said. He was held accountable because he was told it was unacceptable. It was like any other rule he chose to disobey. You either think it's right or it's wrong- DOn't send mixed messages

What is normal is not always desirable- wife beaters normally want to beat their wives but it is not desirable - your little home and family is your own little world- set the rules and let it be allowed or don't- there are plenty of porn blockers for the net/
if you choose to make the temptation less.

[April2]

Good point.

[teenssmom]

I don't think you want to "punish" him per se.  I would talk to him and if at all possible, have his dad talk to him about it. Discuss the various issues.  You're afraid he'll get hooked on it.  You think this type of porn will cause him to be obsessed with thoughts about it.  You may also address the women who appear in it; that they are being exploited and not always willing. and any other reasons you may have.

If you can get him to agree to not look at it anymore, then you can check up on him and let him know you are checking. Tell him if he deletes his history, you will treat him as if he has looked at it and take away the computer.  Try moving the computer to a place downstairs where you can easily monitor him and only allow homework use or something.

Also, you can check C:\Documents and Settings\"hislogonname"\Local Settings\Temporary Internet Files\Content.IE5 there will be folders in there with thumbnails of the images he has been looking at.

I finally bought monitoring software for mine, but he was recalcitrant.

With my older child, just one talking to by his dad was all it took.  After that, he only looked at babes in bikinis, which we had no objection to. (So we acted like we didn't know)

[Kage_no_Taren]

No hard feelings.  I get why you're twitchy about it; I've actually asked boyfriends to restrict their viewing to drawings and the like because of the exploitation factor, although I admit I've never personally had or seen a relationship damaged by it.  
I respect that you, and most of the people who post here, have a lot more life experience than I do.  One of the reasons that I hang around on here is to figure out how it is that the parents of teenagers think about things.  There are more adults out there with valid perspectives than most of my peer group would be willing to admit.  I'm hoping that, along with helping people, I can get a better idea of what to tell people my age about the way adults approach these kinds of issues.