12 year old stepson jealous of 8 year old son

I have a 12 yr old stepson that comes to stay with us in the summer and on school holidays. He lives quite a distance from us, so this is the only possible was. I have been married to his father for 10 yrs and we have my 17 year old son and our two children, 8yr old son and  a 6 yr old daughter. My stepson has had issues with my 17 yr old previously, but are much better. The relationship with my 8yr old son began great, but has been in a steady decline for several years now. It has recently gotten horrible. This weekend we were were all around the pool when my son pushed my stepson into the pool. My stepson got out of the pool and shoved my sons head into a brick wall and them began to kick him in the stomach. My husband stopped it and then took the 12 yr old around the corner and talked to him. My stepson continued to give very dirty looks and tried to scare, bully, & intimidate my son for a while. My husband did and said nothing. I finally had to intervene. My stepson refuses to make friends of his own & insist on playing with my 8yr old and his friends. My stepson has had friends his age and refuses to call them or have anything to do with them any longer. Every time he goes outside to play with the younger children, he ends up getting mad at his brother and does things like throwing baseball bats at him. There is constant arguing between them and I am about to pull all my hair out. I don't know what to do anymore. I understand that my son is not innocent and I'm sure he does things to annoy my stepson,but I don't see anything that would constitute shoving his head into a brick wall, kicking him in the stomach, or throwing baseball bats at him. I feel as though I am fighting this battle by myself. I am exhausted and it doesn't seem to getting any better. It's getting worse. My husband works out of town. He is home every night. He doesn't get involved much at all. He even has been in the same room and allowed my stepson to totally disrespect me, by back talking, total defiance, rolling his eyes, attitude, etc. My husband will not say anything to his son, but he will call me the next day, while he is at work, and apologize. Nothing changes after the apology though. Now I feel as if my 8 yr old is in danger. I know this is long, but I feel desperate and need help. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know. I have suggested counseling for my stepson and/or the whole family and my husband didn't agree.

[penswriter]

It would be a good idea for the both of you to sit down with both children (12 and 8 year old) and explain that shoving into the pool won't be tolerated and neither will the hostile actions of the 12 year old and if it does they will be punished. Make sure your hubby is with you on it! Having him not agree or not carry through with the consequences will just make it bad.

If the 12 year old continues how he is...for the sake of your younger children I would say cut the visits down to a minimum. It would be hard on your husband but he has to think about the safety of the younger children. If the 12 year old continues with the bullying and abuse it's only a matter of time before something serious happens that ends in the ER.

[yngdad]

What makes u think he is jealous? He sounds like a boy who's been hurt. Maybe he is jealous, he sees that ur younger son lives with u and gets to see his father everyday, where as he only gets to see him for the summer and holidays. That boy is probably hurting more then any of u know. Ur husband needs to spend as much one on one time with him as possible befor he's gone again so that the kid will know his dad does care and love him. As for him acting out, it is all for attention. Brothers fight, and yes sometimes they fight violently, is it bad yes, but normal yes. I say do as she said and sit down u and ur husband and the kids and talk about everything, but first u and ur husband need to be on the same level or talking won't work. Boys will be boys! Hope this helped! Good luck!

[penswriter]

I have 3 brothers. One who hardly ever saw his father. He has a younger sister who lived with that father...he NEVER acted that way. I never saw my dad, my twin brothers lived with him. I never acted that way.

Do siblings fight? Yes, of course. But what this 12 year old is doing is extremely violent and whether he's hurting or not, it's not normal and he needs to be stopped before he seriously injures his little brother.

[yngdad]

I didn't say he didn't need to be stopped because, yes he does. But he can't have all the blame. He has pent up anger issues he needs help. But, he also needs to feel he's loved. Neither boys should be treating each other bad, but its normal to dislike a sibling especially when they are where u want to be, to have what u have. I have 8 siblings, trust me I know.

[exhaustedmom806]

We have sat down and talked to them. My husband did participate. We told both of them that the constant competition, bickering, and fighting will not be tolerated any longer. They are both trying harder and do well most of the day, but when my husband gets home from work is when things go down hill. The 12 year old starts acting out. I have tried to tell my husband that his behavior gets worse after he gets home and he doesn't believe me. It has been this way for years. I have even video taped this. I really think that my husband is in denial. I don't want to give you guys the wrong idea, my husband is very loving and caring and a great father, but he just doesn't see the whole picture. He grew up without a father and I feel that this fact plays a big part of his actions now. I have always been my stepson's biggest advocate when he says that he wants to live with us. Recently, I have changed. When it was just normal sibling rivalry, I could handle it and I do expect that. The total defiance and violence, I can't handle. The way he talks to my husband and I, when he does talk to us, is absolutely horrible. My husband is becoming more involved and hopefully things will get better. Thanks for the advice.

[yngdad]

U and ur husband need to be on the same page. Most likely that is what his problem is. Eventually he will see it.