HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN.. PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND!

Let me start by saying that my children are my world. I am a stay at home mom of a 1 year old, 6 year old, 9 year old and a 15 year old. I have been married to a wonderful man for 10 years. He is not the biological father of my 15 year old, but has been her only father figure since she was 5. She always called him dad from the very begining of our relationship. In March of this year, she decided she no longer wanted him around. She also no longer wanted to be part of our family. She told my sisters that he made her feel uncomfortable and that she didn't want to be around him or ever see him again. This made me very sad, as I know in my heart and my whole sole that my husband would never hurt any of his children. In fact, the night before she dropped the bomb, she sat right next to him on the couch as he helped her put music on her Ipod and she gave him a hug goodnight. She has always been very respectful to him until the last week or two before this all happened. I was told by one of my sisters that my daughter does not want to see my husband again. I am in shock by what my sister tells me and none of it makes any sense. I let my daughter stay with my sister for a few days until I got her into counseling with a psycologist. I thanked my sister for keeping her until I figured out a plan to get my daughter some help. My husband was devasted by all of this as well. I have never seen a man cry as much as he did. He felt like he was loosing his "Little Girl". I told my sister to let me take care of my family and that I wanted my daughter to get counseling and that we (My husband and I) would do anything to help her. My daughter went to see the psycologist on Friday and after receiving numerous calls from my sisters, I decided that my daughter was not going to return to my sister's house. The psycologist recommended that my husband leave our house for a short time so we can work on what the problem was. She said it wasn't safe for there could be more alligations made if he and her remand in the same house. I agreed. My daughter then stayed at a friends house until my husband and I figured out where he was going to stay. That Monday when I was going to pick up my daughter from school, I was told to come to the office. I saw a police officer and a gentleman that was from CPS. Yes, my sister called CPS on me and my daughter told her principal that she was "unappropriately touched" by my husband. I could not believe what I was hearing. CPS.... Childrens Protective Service was asking me questions and making me feel like I was this horrible mother. My daughter's story was changing and now she was accusing my husband of trying to touch her butt. And that he touched her inner thigh. Thank God the police found that there was no criminal act on his part. In fact, the police never questioned my husband. Although, CPS told me that my husband could not see his other children until they did a thorough investigation. CPS had to go to my children's school and ask them questions. The humiliation I felt was so overwelmning. I cried everyday. My baby was only 8 months old and the thought of not nursing her anymore was heartbreaking. But I promised myself, that no matter what I was going to continue to provide my baby the best nutrition she deserved. I am so greatful that I was able to nurse her 100% until she turned 1 year old. The stress and the heartache took a toll on my body and mind. I did the best I could to be there emotionally and physically for my other children. I knew they needed me and they needed me to be strong. CPS met with my children and said that they have never met such happy children, ever. My husband and I had a meeting with CPS along with my daughter. My daughter again, changed her story and now it sounds worse than her first story. I am in complete shock. My husband is crying and telling my daughter that he never ment to make her feel uncomfortable. She sat across from him and rolled her eyes and gave him the dirtiest look. All I could say to myself was "WHY?" Why is she doing this? I know she wanted to live with my sister. When my daughter was staying with my sister that week when all this started, she was so happy. We even went to the park a few times and she was laughing and we would talk about things like how she wasn't close to my husband. I was puzzled by her words. My sister is only 26 years old. My daughter and her have a special bond. Maybe because of them being so close in age. Who knows? All I know is my parenting philosophy is different from my sisters. When the meeting with CPS was  done, we were forced to put Annie in a different home. She did not want to come back home with me. She wanted to live with Emily. I said "Absolutely Not". CPS agreed and I called my good friend and ask if she would keep my daughter for awhile until counseling gets in place and our family gets the help it needs. She agreed and by that weekend my daughter was in my friends home. The reason I choosed my friend to watch my daughter was because we are very similar on how we raise our children. We have rules and concequences. That Monday, 2 days after my daughter goes to my friends house, my sister files a "Dependency". She took me to court to try and get custody of my 14 year old daughter. She lied on the court papers and said that I was not able to provide for my daughter. That I emotionally abused her and that her step dad sexually abused her and that I blamed her. ALL LIES.  I could not believe what my sister was doing to me. She not only was trying to take my daughter away, she had convinced my family that I am a bad mom. The only family I have left is my mom, dad and a brother. I lost 5 sisters and 1 brother. My step mom has not spoken to me either. In fact she never once called me during my whole pregnancy with my last child. Sad :(  Not one of them have called me and asked me what is going on. I have learned that they are not worth my tears and they are not my family. Family is suppose to support each other not destroy them. I went to court and again was humiliated and felt like I was being punished for something I did not do. My sister's lies and my daughters determination to live with her, the Judge ordered my sister temporary custdoy. I was devastated. How can this be? I begged the Judge to not take my daughter from me. I will never forget the look the judge gave me. She gave me this look of, you don't deserve your children. I couldn't breath. For the first time in my life I felt like I was losing control of my life. I know longer had my daughter. A daughter that I raised for 5 years as a single mom. A daughter that I loved dearly and wanted only the best for her. She would no longer live in my home.  Because my sister wasn't completely truthful on her document (she did not list the father's name) she was ordered to contact my daughter's father. A father that has not been in his daughter's life. He meet her when she was 10 and saw her a handful of times. He never paid a penny in child support. After several court hearings, the Juvenile Court ordered my daughter's biological father legal and physical custody. With NO evidence, with NO professional testimony, I lost my daughter not once but twice. After raising my daughter for almost 15 years, I had no say in how she is raised or had any right to my daughter. I didn't get to see her for her birthday. She didn't call me on Mother's Day. I was no longer mom to her. She now was calling my sister "mommy". Actually, she started calling my sister "mommy" as soon as my sister got temporary custody of her. Now I am facing another battle. My ex is sueing me for Sole Custody in the family court. I had to hire an attorney to take my case because I can not deal with my ex. He has blamed me and said that I neglected our daughter and that I "Completely Abandoned" her. I have become afraid of my daughter and the damage she may do to me. Help me understand why she is doing this.

[jdtm]

If what you are saying is true, then google the term "borderline personality disorder".  Look up the symptoms and see if your daughter qualifies.  This disorder is so devastating that yes, your situation could very much result from this.  Sex, lies, manipulation, splitting, addiction, relationships trashed and ruined, self-centeredness to the extreme, pitting one against the other, and rages are all part and parcel of the horrific disorder.  Often even the professionals do not "see" the truth as the person with BPD appears charming and innocent.  By the way, often BPD is genetic - I wonder about the biological aspect of the paternal side.  If BPD is the issue, then be sure to find help from a lawyer or specialist who has experience with this disorder.

[agamommy]

I have already looked into BPD and have come to some conculsion that my daughter's father is a sociopath. He is a pathological liar and blames everything on everyone else and doesn't take repsonsibility of his own actions. He hasn't been in his daughter's life until now and he is telling me that I "Completely Abandoned" my daughter. He is looking to be the "Hero" when he is not. He is allowing our daughter to do what she wants to do. I have also thought that maybe my daughter may have the same BPD but she is still only 15 and alot of teens are self centered and lie to get what the want. I have asked the Juvenile Court to have her evaluated with a psycologist and they denied my request. I am going to again ask the Family Court to have her evaluated with a psycologist. What is "splitting"? All the other personalities she is definately exhibiting. I do have to take inconsideration that my daughter has alot of "Bad Influences" around her. Although she does know right from wrong whe continues to make bad choices. I just hope and pray that this is a phase and she will grow out of it and not hurt anymore innocent people. If, in fact she is a sociopath, I need to take more precautions and try and get her some help. The sad thing that I have found out and researched is that there is no cure for a sociopath. That makes me very worried for my daughter. I want her happy and I want her to live a productive life.

[jdtm]

So sorry - the thought "sociopath" had crossed my mind however ...   Splitting describes black and white thinking, right or wrong thinking, good or bad thinking - nothing in the gray or middle-of-the-road area.  It is the difficulty to hold opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs about oneself or others. In other words, positive and negative attributes of a person are not joined together into a cohesive set of beliefs.  So, if I say "no" to a request, this statement is perceived as a negative statement against the BPD and thus I will not longer be "necessary" as I "don't like him/her".  I suspect this is what occurred when your daughter did not want anything to do with your husband (he may have said "no" to her or she perceived his thoughts/feelings to be negative).  Your husband is now "split black" and your sister has been "split white".  So common to BPD - don't know whether this behaviour is common to other personality disorders, though.  Those with BPD always have a steady stream of new "best" friends or are constantly on the "outs" with different family members because any negative thought, word, or even a perceived idea and that person is"split black".

If you are dealing with BPD or any other personality disorder, your daughter will not outgrow this.  But, science is still new in this area and DBT is one of the therapies that is showing some promise for help.  I can't help you with "sociopath" but there is an excellent site on the internet re borderline personality disorder - "bpdfamily.com" - and on that site there are several message forums - one is called "supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD" where you may be able to get some help.  So sorry ....

[agamommy]

Thank You! I will definately look up that website. I just need some answers and you have helped me understand somethings. Now that I know what  "Splitting" is, that makes complete sense of how she is reacting when she doesn't get what she wants. My  husband was never the one to tell her "NO". They really got along well. The last week before all this happened, my daughter got mouthy with him, which was not like her at all. He told her to "shut up" and she stormed out of the room. When he tried to appologized, she told him to get away from her. He was hurt and mad at the same time and left the room. To be honest, I really don't think this is about my husband. I think this is about her wanting to live somewhere where she can do the things she wants to do and not have me telling her "No".I do think that what happened that night with my husband, she snapped. She convinced herself that she just can not live in that house any longer. When she was with my sister for that 1st week, my daughter was so happy. It was like night and day. I think she really thought I was going to let her live there. When she realized that she was going to have to come back home, even though my husband wasn't there, she was not happy at all. I didn't know this child. She was rude, disrespectful, mean to her siblings. I have many reasons to not trust her. I believe that my sister may have her own bpd. Do you know anything about Paranoid Schizpphrenia? She was also a meth addict when she was in her teens. This is the person that my daughter is looking up to. It scares me and my daughter also calls her "Mommy". Oh...what a mess. I just wish I can just wake up from this nightmare and hold my daughter again.

One other thing: After she was with her father for a 2 weeks she said if she can't live with her aunt (My sister) she didn't want to live at all. She was admitted to a facility for a few days and then released. My ex kept me from getting all the medical records so I don't know what was said or done on her behave. I am in the process of getting them, due to the last court giving me ALL copies of all her medical records. She told the hospital that she would "Cut" herself. That it was a year the last time she cut herself. I never saw any marks or any reason to believe that she did that. I know kids hide it, but if you knew my daughter, she hated pain and she loved her body. I could not imagine her cutting herself. Hopefully I wll find out more when I get the medical records.

[jdtm]

Do you know anything about Paranoid Schizpphrenia?

No, I don't.  

But what you have written so reminds me of BPD.  Cutting is definitely one of the symptoms of this dsorder.  Some say that BPD is a disorder rooted in abandonment - the person with BPD is so afraid of being "abandoned", that he/she abandons those first rather than suffer the pain of "being left".  Frankly, I believe the core of BPD to be extreme self-centeredness and selfishness with nary a thought given to others.  Do keep in mind that if your daughter has BPD, there is nothing you have done to have caused this nor there is nothing you could have done to have prevented this.  And this includes the splitting.  I do believe that those with BPD eventually "split" everyone from their lives - the reason for "new" people constantly in and out.  I do know how hard this is - been there - and how I wish there would be a "cure" - maybe some day.

Below is the definition of BPD with the symptoms (five or more are needed for the psychologist/psychiatrist to make the diagnosis).  I COPIED THE INFORMATION WHICH IS WRITTEN BELOW FROM BPDFAMILY.COM - IT LISTS THE DEFINITON OF BPD AND THE SYMPTOMS -

Borderline Personality Disorder is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

[agamommy]

Thanks again for all the information. I will look into the BPD more. My daughter really never showed signs of suicidal behavior, gestures or threats or even depression. Yes, she did seem to "hide" in her room towards the last 6 months while she was with me. I would go into her room and ask her to watch a movie with me and she would say, she wanted to dance and listen to her music. But if I asked her if she wanted to go to the mall or do something outside of the house, she would say "yes". I would think if she was depressed that she would say "no" no matter what I offered. ???? I do know that she felt abandond by her bio dad. They met when she was 10 and she asked him why he wasn't around when she was a baby. He replied " I didn't know you were my kid" it broke her heart. I really think that is when everything really started. I put her in counseling and it seemed to help. All I think now is that if I had kept her in counseling, that this would not be happening. After her dad said those words to her, she wanted nothing to do with him. I had invited him to go to counseling with her and he never showed up. For three years he never called her. He sent a Easter card, Birthday card and a Christmas card. When he sent her the Christmas card she tore the card up and told me not to give her any more cards from him. It broke my heart to see her hurtng. She saw him again in July of 09 and wanted to have a relationship with her half sister. Her dad picked her up and then dropped her off and never called her again. Now you are asking me why is she living with him? Thats the part I don't really understand. I know how she really feels about him, but she told the courts she wanted to live with him if she couldn't live with her aunt. I know that her aunt told her she had no choice but to live with her dad. Is it possible for her to live with him just because she knows if she was with me, I wouldn't let her see her aunt? My daughter said on day before court, that she cried all morning, but knew that this was the only way to get rid of me (her mom). Will my daughter end up "splitting" my sister? I have never abandoned her. I have always been there but I believe that my sister has "brained washed" her into believing that since I didn't divorce my husband and didn't kick him out of the house, that I did abandon her and that I choosed him over her. I believe my sister also has convinced my daughter that I am calling her a liar. I am sorry if I keep bothering you about this. This is all just tearing me apart. What I really need to do is find me a support group. I have lots of friends but I think I need to talk to people who have been thru this themselves. Thanks again for all your help.

[jdtm]

Now you are asking me why is she living with him? --  your words

This did not surprise me as a person with BPD is always looking for an answer to all their problems.  Reality does not play into the situation and I know with our BPD, I have come to expect the outrageous and the totally unexpected.  Remember, you cannot reason with someone who cannot reason.


Will my daughter end up "splitting" my sister?  I believe my sister also has convinced my daughter that I am calling her a liar.  -- your words

Probably - to both comments.  And you did choose your husband over your daughter (which is the correct and moral thing to do) - this makes sense to a normal, logical mind but not to a twisted-thinking BPD mind.  Just remember than you can never rationally explain a situation to a person who cannot think rationally.  You will only waste your efforts and your breath.  I think the hardest part of being involved with a BPD is to accept that I can do nothing but "accept what is".


This is all just tearing me apart.  -- your words

Yes, this situation will "tear you apart" but what you need to believe and understand is that "you did not cause this, you cannot control this and you will not cure this".  I had so much difficulty with this mantra as I (like you) want to "fix" it.  If BPD is the problem, then the situation is out of your hands and you cannot fix it.  I keep saying to myself "let go and let God" because I have found no other way.  Someday, you may again be split "white" but if BPD is the problem, at best there will be tenuous rellationship.  The site I gave you has lots of support for those of us who are living this nightmare - you're not alone.  Even if your daughter is just being "obstinate", the site I gave you should give you ideas on how to talk and work with her (if and when the opportunity occurs again).  I wish there was a "solution" but as I said, if BPD is the problem, "Let Go and Let God" is the only one I know.  Take care ...

[allmymarbles]

What horrifies me is that your daughter is harming you, your husband, and the children you have together. My first considerations would be for their happiness and welfare. At the present time there is not much you can do with your eldest child. At some point she will be properly diagnosed and treated. Meanwhile place your attention on the rest of your family.

[agamommy]

The thing is, everyone has been telling me that from the very beginning. Of course, you want to be there for ALL your children. What I have learned over these 8 months is that, I did not ask for any of this and that I may not be "Perfect" I believe in my heart that I did everything to protect my family. INCLUDING MY 15 YR OLD. She continues to tell me that everything is my fault and that she had to protect herself. My question to her is, Protect herself from what? I have learned alot from all this and I will continue to put my young children's needs first. I will always love my daughter, but I will not play her games. She needs to know that she doesn't get to make the rules. It is in Gods hands now.