My 13yr old son is abusive torwards me

[angie269]

It has been a very long year for me and my son.  He is a very angry young man and hates the word "NO"  I am a single mom and dont have any support from his Father!  Although things have gotton so much better over the past year he still cannot stand it when I tell him no!  He controlls me with his anger, and I am very scared he is going to really hurt me one day.  I told him NO to someone coming over last night at midnight no way to late!!  He freaked out, I was in bed almost asleep and he started punching my leg then put the pillow over my head.  Then this morning he said he was sorry then thats it until the next time.  I never tell anyone about the hell im living in.  What can I do??

[April2]

I read your post the other day but I was at a loss on how to comment. My heart goes out to you. It's very important that he not be allowed to hurt you or anyone else, ever! It's not ok and he needs to know that. You may have to show him how serious it is by calling the cops on him next time it happens. You could have the cops come over and scare him a little. It might open his eyes and help him realize how serious this is. He must never, ever be allowed to hurt anyone!

I suggest you take him to a doctor too and see if he needs medication. He may have an underlying medical problem here. It could be anything. It could be depression, bipolar. I don't know. But that much anger is not normal and not ok. He may also need to talk to a therapist for awhile to help get some of this out. Take this seriously. Don't let this continue or it will only get worse. Please be brave and get some help for your son. I wish you the best. God bless.

[angie269]

Thanks for your reply!  I do take this seriously!  I have gotton help for him, I spent all year taking him to different doctors and counslers.  Hes been on medication and he was like a zombie.  I guess I gave up, because it became to hard trying to find the right fit for us.  I just couldnt take off work any more.  I dont know I could really use some help here.  Its so hard trying to do this alone.  Thanks for your time

[April2]

I wouldn't give up on the idea of medication. Maybe you just didn't find a good fit yet. It can actually take a long time to find something that works and then they have to adjust it, either increase it or decrease it, until it's just right for you. It can take a long time.
I have a friend who I was just talking about her teenager daughter. She's had an anger problem since a young child. She finally lost it one night not long ago and was breaking and destroying things. My friend called the cops and said she had an out of control teenager and could they come over and talk to her? She said it was the hardest thing she had ever done. They came over and talked to her and it seemed to help. Then she insisted that her daughter get on some medication. She herself has terrible PMS and had just started Prozak. Her daughter has been on Prozak now for about 4 months. She said at first it made her real tired but she has adjusted to it now and is much calmer. I'm not advocating any certain medications by any means. Everyone is different and everyone reacts differently to different medications. I think it's worth trying and experimenting until you find something that works. You have to be patient, though. Sometimes it takes awhile to find a good fit. I hope you can find something that will work. Take care.

[LATRICE123]

U NEED TO BEAT HIS A$$ HE SHOULD NOT BE TELLING YOU NO U R THE PARENT NOT HIM NO MEANS NO, U SHOULD HAVE BEEN NIPPED IN THE BUDD WHEN HE WAS 1 YRS OLD. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN GIRL.... HE DONT NEED TO C A DOCTOR HE NEEDS TO SEE A BELT.

[April2]

You know what? Violence tends to beget violence. I really don't think that's helpful at all. Kids that are beat tend to be more aggressive and angry. It takes more work to think of other creative ways to teach the kid rather than just popping them all the time. Sorry, I just don't agree.

[angie269]

I agree with April!  I have tried just about everything and violence is not the answer.  Thanks

[NIPPY]

I KNOW IT MUST BE SO HARD FOR YOU,BUT IF YOU CAN TRY NOT TO LET IT SHOW THAT YOU ARE SCARED OF HIM,OTHERWISE HE WILL THINK HE'S THE BOSS,TELL HIM WHEN HES CALM THAT YOU HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT HIS ANGER AND THAT YOU WONT TOLERATE IT IN YOUR HOUSE,MAYBE MENTION THAT YOU WILL CALL THE POLICE NEXT TIME AND THAT HE MIGHT HAVE TO SPEND THE NIGHT IN A CELL,AND MAYBE EVEN MOVE OUT(EVEN THOUGH YOU PROBABLY WOULDNT MEAN IT-SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO BE CRUEL TO BE KIND)MAYBE THAT WOULD SHOCK HIM INTO MAYBE THINKING ABOUT HIS ACTIONS,IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE FOR YOU TO HAVE THIS IN YOUR LIFE. . YOU DESERVE MORE AND SHOULDNT BE LIVING IN FEAR,I KNOW YOU HAVE PROBABLY TRIED MANY THINGS,BUT REALLY THIS IS AN UNNACCEPTABLE POSITION FOR YOU TO BE IN,IF IT JUST CARRIES ON HE WILL KNOW HE CAN DO THIS AND GET AWAY WTIH IT,AND YOU ARE BECOMING A VICTIM IN YOUR OWN HOME,TAKE CARE AND TRY TO BE STRONG. WILL BE THINKING OF YOU

[stlmom]

You need to get your son professional help!  This is his problem...and he needs anger management skills. Of course you need to go also to find the ways to set boundaries and learn good dicipline tools BUT hsi anger is out of controll and he deserves to be happy also......Good Luck! Remember to let him know that he has good qualities and recognize his good deeds.

[angie269]

Can any one of you relate to my problem??  If not please stop giving advice!  I really do apprcieate your concern but if you do not have a  simaler experiance you know nothing really.  I have done everything you all have said at this point I really just need someone to talk to and relate to.  I am currently going to couseling and dont need more ideas of what to do!!!  Thanks

[AZbby]

Hey My brother he is now 15 he was that way about 4years ago he would bet my mother and my sisters. He would get all upset if he couldnt have his way.He would throw stuff and he even got knives out somrtimes.We also tryed everything.He went to theorpy and he was even in a hopsital for about 2 monthes.He would seem fine then wants he wanted somthing again he would throw a fite.My father lived in california and we lived in chicago.One day he got really mad and said he wanted to go live with our dad so he went.My dad is a really bad drinker(the reason for my parents spliting)well when we lived with my dad my dad would yell at him all the time. Well when he moved to CA he stoped taking meds.He started acting out at my dads.So what they did is they started to just ignore his yelling and throwing.He even pulled a knive out on my dads girlfrinds grandma.My dad threw him in his room and the next day he was fine.Every time he did sumthin like that yelling hiting anything my dad would throw him in his room in the garage so no one had to listen to him.So you need to show him that your in charge thats why he never touched me.I let him know that he cant mess with me. You need to take chrage yes its scary and hard but it gots to be done. I dont know if you got a brother or somthing that can help you.Have an older guy be ther when your taking charge just to be safe

[CMMC]

wow you cannot give him that kind of power, You need to be firm and get him some anger management or something. it is NOT good when a boy that age is violent tot his mother, you need to tell him that is not OK. other wise one day when he gets a wife...

[neety41]

my almost 13 year old daughter is so angry and aggressive when i say no.  She has kicked me in the chin recently and climbed onto window sill threatening to throw herself out the got some glass and scraped her arm up and down.  She was a demanding child but is an angel at school, has some learning difficulties tho and receives support for this.  I am going thru a cancer scare at moment which doesn't help, just had surgery last week so don't need this behaviour.  Her father doesn't help, he rarely takes an interest, he has mental health problems which i fear she has inherited.

[angie269]

So sorry I missed your post!  I havent even looked on here for a while!  Yes you can relate!  Finally someone, I knew I couldnt be alone!  I am in the same boat if you get this message send me a private message and we can talk that way without everyone's stupid oppionions!!!

[April2]

I think that was kinda rude to say we all had stupid opinions. I think we all were just trying to help. You did post this on a public forum after all. I think we all were just honestly trying to help.

[littleangel28]

Unfortunately I have the same problem with my 16 year old son and it is exasperating when people recommend counseling.  My husband and I have been in counseling with my son since he was 8, and have tried every medication combination under the son to no avail.  I think everyone with these problems HAS tried counseling.  We are looking for answers, for HELP!!!  What should we do?  What are some resources available to parents with underage children who are verbally and/or physically abusive?  What kind of rights do we have? our other children have?  This is the kind of help we are searching for.  I think the bottom line is that THERE IS NO HELP FOR US.  We must endure this behavior until a) the child turns 18 and can be kicked out or b) hurts a family member "bad enough" to be taken to juvenile detention, where s/he will ultimately be released back into our custody.  I tell my son that I will not tolerate his behavior in my house and he just shoots back "F*ck you, c*nt!"  I have a sweet 11 year old daughter and a 5 year old little boy who listen to this day in and day out.  My house has broken walls, windows, window screens, doors from his angry tirades.  I called the cops on him and they tried to scare him a bit, but that was short-lived.  He was admitted into a children's psychiatric hospital when he was 14 for 6 days for trying to strangle himself, but the psychiatrist warned us that he is very manipulative and may be using the threat of suicide as a strategy.  When we stick to our guns and tell him we are not going to take it anymore and tell him he is out, he runs for the window or straps something around his neck.  He tells us he is going to commit suicide when he turns 18 because life ***** and it ***** even more when you are an adult because you have to work.  Needless to say, he failed every subject for the year except for Band where he got an A (he is a musical prodigy, seriously).  He has a very high IQ that he doesn't want anyone to know about because that will require at least passing grades from him.  Even with failing he is put in advanced classes because he is so smart.  I am exhausted from this and wish he would just get out.  I know some people may think this does not sound compassionate, but I would not tolerate this from a husband, friend or anyone else, but since it is my son, I have to?    

[jdtm]

He has a very high IQ that he doesn't want anyone to know about because that will require at least passing grades from him.


Just read something from an anxiety forum - the jist of the posting was this - "just because one has a high IQ doesn't mean that one always has the ability to use it".  I'm not saying this is the issue with the post below mine, just that certain mental, emotional and mood conditions may render the "ability to learn" far, far less than would be expected.  Just found this information interesting ....

[littleangel28]

He doesn't want to do his homework or participate in class, that is why he doesn't want anyone to know he is smart.  He falls asleep in class but when he "feels" like getting involved, his English teacher told me he offers information that gives insight the rest of the class could benefit from.  This same teacher told me that the scant amount of writing he did do for this class is some of the best she has read from a student in her 20+ years of teaching; and English is his worst subject.  He certainly can infer, analyze, evaluate, make abstract connections etc. better than I can.  His best subject is Math by proof of his standardized tests and I think that is why he is so gifted in music.  On the GEPA (eighth grade test) he scored the highest in Math out of the whole eighth grade class and in the 99th percentile of the country, so I don't think test anxiety is the problem here.  In every subject he was in the 94+ rank.  This is a week-long event and the teachers do make a big fuss about it because of funding etc., so if he can ace tests under those stressful circumstances, he shouldn't be shaken by a math quiz.  He didn't feel like reading any of the novels for English, so he didn't do it.  His Advanced Geometry teacher told me that she knows he knows it in is head, but she needs him to put SOMETHING on a piece of paper for her to grade!  He will hand her tests blank with just his name on it, and saunter back to his seat.  He refuses to do any homework at all, even very simple assignments.  He says his teachers are a**holes for assigning homework and they do it just to ruin his life.  He "shows them" by not doing it.  For History they were required to do a weekly current event, which he failed to do any for the year.  His academic support teacher actually found 3 articles that may interest him, cut them out and gave them to him along with a sheet of paper with his name at the top.  He STILL did not do that assignment.  Some people may have anxiety before taking a test, which I can empathize with but this is not the case in my son's situation.  He purposefully failed gym by cutting or choosing not to participate.  My son does excel if he feels like it, and even when it is a halfway effort.  I remember when he wrote the paper mentioned above for his English teacher because it was about his summer reading book that I MADE him read (he did not read anything else the rest of the year).  It the first paper he had to do and it was something he just put down off the top of his head and did it very quickly.  No outline, rough draft, revisions, etc.; what he put down first was what he handed in, and he received accolades!  That was nearly a year ago.  Now if I tried to get him to read a book he would tell me to go you know what.  

[littleangel28]

Also, I think that the "ability to learn" and the "will to learn" can be confused.  If he was not able to learn, he would not have been able to ace his written driving test in order to get his learner's permit.  He had to study for it and he made sure he did because this was important to him - he desperately wants his driver's license (God help us).  There were some glimpses last year where my son seemed determined to straighten out his academic situation and get serious about his schoolwork.  These short awakenings gave way to bashing, name-calling, etc.  My son has been evaluated by a child study team, has an IEP and has bi-annual meetings about his progress.  No teacher has ever given any indication that he does not have the ability to do the work.  On the contrary, they feel the work may not be challenging enough.  That is why he was put in advanced classes after failing last year.  He told us that he wants to be put in the basic classes because he wants to do the least amount of work possible.  Since he was failing for the last three marking periods this year, we let him switch into the CCS classes.  He failed them too because he didn't do any work in them either.  I think this is strictly a choice my son is making.  He is choosing to fail out of school.  He said he wants to fail.  He wants to quit school right now.  He told us he is going to quit school on his 18th birthday, which is about a week before he graduates high school.  I really think he just wants to spite me and my husband.    

[jdtm]

You misread my comment - I was only stating information that I found interesting - hopefully to help others.  I really did not think it applied to the original posting nor to your son .  By the way, I am a teacher so I do understand the "ability to learn" and the "will to  learn".   I guess that is why I posted the information - always a "teacher".  Sorry if I misled and/or upset you ....

[littleangel28]

Since you quoted my post, it looks like you were referring to my situation.  I begin my student teaching in the Fall, so I too know these differences; that is why I made the distinction.   I know how to assess students for deficiencies.  My daughter has trouble focusing and sifting through a lot of information to find the main idea of a passage.  She sometimes gets frustrated but does not have the problems my son has.  He will come over while I am helping her and say to her "you are so stupid!  This is what it means!"    I understand that some students may seem like they lack the will to learn because they really do not understand the material and are too frustrated and embarrassed to ask for help, but this is not always the case and assessments would reflect that.  We are talking about a kid who is diagnosed as bipolar, admitted to drinking, smoking pot and was hanging out with a member of the Latin Kings (although we live in rural New Jersey and are Irish).  Making excuses for his lack of effort and deplorable behavior does not help.   Also, being a teacher of a student with these problems is difficult, but it is NOTHING compared to living with and raising him/her.  I am genuinely afraid for my safety and there is nothing I can do about it, this is what this thread is about.