Parenting Toddlers (1-5) Community
Dads visitation advice needed
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Dads visitation advice needed

Hi all,
I'm in a little predicament, my ex and I separated exactly a year ago, we have two beauty children DS 4 and DD 3. There was many reasons to this but I wont go into them. The problem is he hasn't seen his children in months, and I have tried everything. I tried being flexible, because of his job, even though he would always bring them back late, and start arguments all the time. I tried his parents picking them up, I tried phoning and txting. I've tried everything I can think of, to make things easier for him. In all honesty I do believe the children are happier most of the time, they can relax, they are potty trained now, not angry anymore and are healthier. But recently my 4yo told me his dad doesn't like him anymore because he doesn't see him, all I could think of to say was daddy is working but daddy still loves you.

Am I making it worse? I really dont know what to.
4 Comments Post a Comment
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209987_tn?1334790318
You are doing what you can...maybe too much.
You are making excuses for your ex...which helps the children to a degree, ( keeps them from crying for a bit ) but may make things worse in the long run.
If he loves his children, he will find the time. I know, I know...sometimes life doesn't go the way we want it to. Bills to pay, overtime hours, holidays, appointments, etc.
You didn't say if he lives in the same town. If he does...then no excuses!!
If he lives several hundred miles away...then he's excused...to a degree. lol
My mom used to make excuses for my dad at first too.
Then, when it was time for me to graduate, he wasn't there...his booze camp out was more important...and that is why my dad rarely came to visit. It had nothing to do with work...it was because he was always too drunk.
I'm NOT saying that is what is going on with your ex...just saying that sometimes it's not such a great idea to make excuses for your ex.
If he wants to see them he will.
Do his parents want to see the kids?
If not, you have to wonder why? Does he have a "new family" that he's working on? If so...your children will not matter to them as much.
I find men that have new gf's ( especially ones with kids ) will start to ignore their own children faster.
Have you asked him straight out if he wants to spend time with the kids?
If he doesn't, then why?
Some guys don't want to spend time with toddlers. My ex husband only started paying attention to the kids once they were pre-teens...and we were still together then. He said he didn't know what to do with them. They were busy running around...and it wasn't much fun for him. So he thought he would wait until they were older...and guess what? No bonding. The kids can take him or leave him...they just don't care. Sad, but true.
It's wonderful that you have such a big heart, that you are willing to cover for him! I think you're a beautiful person for that!  
The less you talk about him, the faster they will get over him. Soon they will no longer care if he is in their lives. Sad, but again, true.
They are still under 5...the age when memories begin to stick for life. At this age they are still able to "forget" that they ever had a daddy. Sorry for being so blunt, but I've been there, done that.
Tell your ex you need to talk. Tell him that you will give him one more chance to prove himself worthy of being a daddy. Any man can be a father...but it takes a special man to be a daddy.
Tell him that unless he is willing to spend time with his broken-hearted children, to show them that they are loved...that he should just stay away for good. Tell him how much they cry for him.
Hopefully he will change his ways...if not...good riddance.
Again...if he lives many miles away...you'll have to give in a bit...but otherwise...it's his choice.
Same town = at least one hour a week out of his "busy" schedule. And don't let him tell you that he doesn't have time...he can darn well make time if he loves them.
Good luck, and we're all here for you.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi.  I think you are doing the right thing.  Your kids are little and don't need the 'truth' (that dad is being a jerk).  Reassure them as best you can.  And keep trying with their dad.  Do whatever you can to get him to engage.  

Agree that forcing the issue in a positive way (BOY, the kids miss you.  They'd love to spend even a little time with you) is helpful.

Your home is more peaceful and stable now it sounds like which is a good thing. But they will still want to know their dad.  

peace to you dear and good luck
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317217_tn?1394815349
Sorry I only just noticed your replies.
My ex has NO excuses for not seeing the kids, his parents have them for a few hours every week and for a year of that time he was living in their house.

I have been through this myself, my parents split up when I was 4, its just my mum bad mouthed my dad loads and it turned out most of it was lies, so I resent my mum for that, so that's why im being carful what I say as I don't want them to resent me.

He still hasn't seen the kids, wont return my txt or phone calls, he's missing so much, just because we are divorced doesn't mean he divorced the kids.
DS was swimming by himself the other day and DD rode a bike all by herself. My DD doesn't mention him at all, shes forgotten him already, DS on the other hand blames himself and has recently told me he was naughty and that's why daddy left. It makes me so angry that my 4yo feels like this because one man cant step up and be a dad.

Thanks for the advice x
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1222635_tn?1366399886
i think you are also doing the right thing. i dont think children that young should yet be exposed to hurt and betrayal. we will all lose our innocence at some point, but why not protect them as much as you can? everyone deserves to be protected, no matter how old! when they are older they will form their own opinions of their dad. i dont believe that you should lie, but i also don't believe that you have to be "truthful" either.
i agree that he has no excuse. i love my daughter with all of my heart and can not imagine not seeing her. its hard enough if i go away for a weekend. ive never been away from her longer than 2 days. does she get on my nerves sometimes?? YES, of course. all the time in fact. i could even improve on my patience. but i LOVE her SO much, and she needs her mommy. just as much as she needs her daddy.
just remember, you are a GOOD mommy. not having a father can be hard on children, but you know what has the most impact on them when they endure that? a wonderful and strong mommy. keep up the good work!
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