Daughter's friend is stealing

[algs]

My 6 year old daughter has several friends at school who have been secretly meeting and plotting to steal (small things like chocolate) from their parents.  They wanted her to be a part of the group but she didn't want to once she learned of the plan.  She came to us (mom and dad) about it, very concerned and feeling an ethical dilemma about it.  The one girl who is the "ring leader" is a friend of hers and we carpool to school every day with her and her mother.  My daughter is especially concerned for this girl's mother because she knows her well and likes her.  She told us we should tell this mother.  She also told her friend that she told us about it.

We are unsure of how to deal with this.  We are proud of our daughter for not joining in this group and coming to us with the problem.  However, we don't want her friends to consider her a tattle-tale if we say something to the other mother.  The girls in the group have the potential to be mean about it.  Also, the mother my daughter rides with is very strict with her daugther and will almost definitely get very angry with her daughter and punish her, rather than approach the situation with care and concern.

[algs]

No.  And the main issue is not so much what they are doing, but that my daughter feels it's wrong and her conscience is telling her to do something about it.

[RockRose]

Stealing chocolate from their mothers?   Next what will they do - shampoo their hair without permission?

Is that the worst thing this gang of ne'er do wells can come up with to do?  Honestly,  this is silly shenanigans like playing ring and run.    If they were stealing from a store,  or taking things that they don't already probably have full access to - that would be different.

Maybe I've misunderstood and they are planning worse things than taking candy from their own homes.  Is it worse than that?

[babygirl6152]

but that is my whole point- it is not impossible to sever ties with her- yes- very tricky- I do understand IF you choose to- you are showing your child that sometimes things have to be rearranged because of morality issues- so what message are you sending to your daughter- that she is actually stronger than you in this area? I am not saying it won't be tough - I know it will be - and I know an embarrassment to say the things you need to say and then the whispering behind your back - etc - I can see a plain picture drawn out- and how they can turn it all around to make you the bad guy-
BUT your daughter is watching how you respond in this sort of crisis-------
on the other hand if you can find a way to tell them mom in this type of way-

the most democratic of ways and I have used it:
"If your daughter were stealing from you, just little things, and encouraging her friends to do this - would you want to know about it?" big smile- the ball is in her court so to speak -and you have shown your daughter how to stand up for what is right-

[algs]

Thank you, Ladies, for your thoughts.  The trickiest part of this is that we carpool with this girl and her mother every day.  This is the second year we've done this so the girls are already friends, have had playdates, etc. and we are friends with her parents.  So, I can encourage her not to hang out with the girls at school, especially the other ones (which I have already sort of done and she has done on her own) but severing ties altogether would be impossible.  I think the hardest part for my daughter is when she has to ride in the car with the mother and have a friendly conversation with her when, in the back of her mind, she has this secret and feels guilty not saying anything.  This is the main reason I considered saying something to the mother.

[Cherie762]

this shows some excellent parenting on your part, your daughter was right to tell you, I can tell you that from personal experience ( my kids are older so Ive been through simalr stuff) if you tell the girls parents theres a reallygood  chance it will blow up in your face, the parents may become angry, go inot denial, and even twist it so your daughter ends up some how being the bad one, so i would just tell my daughter how proud I am of her , and encourage her to play with other kids.

[babygirl6152]

- what a girl- how proud  you must be- but in reality this is not an ethical dilemma- it is a moral dilemma- does that help you put it in perspective a bit better?
What will she lose if she loses these friends? Girls that have the potential to be very devious, lie, and steal......

I know what my parents would have done- I would haven been banned from the group- and told to find new friends- actually they did this once with one girl that was getting too wild- I didn't think it fair at the time- but she did end up getting into more and more trouble as time went by-

What does your heart say to do?