How to Deal with a Manipulative Child

[planahead]

I hope someone out there can offer some advice.  I am a married professional and take occasional care of a couple of children.  Their mother is in a treatment facility due to heroin addiction.  Their father is a friend of mine from work who struggles with suddenly having to be a full-time dad.  Emma is 8 and Joey is 6.  The kids have been through rough times and were even in foster care a few years ago.  Once or twice a week, the kids spend a Friday or Saturday night at my house and I go out of my way to give them a fun night (everyone gets to rent their own DVD, a happy meal, picnic in the park, etc).   I know life at my house is much more consistent and structured than with what they have at home.  They are good kids and usually behave well.  I don’t find myself shouting at them or having to repeat things very often.  I think they’re really special and love to have them over.  However, I am beginning to see some things with Emma that worry me.  She is very smart and does quite well academically, but does and says things that are troubling.  For example, if Joey asks for an extra cookie and I say no, he will be momentarily upset and then move on.  With Emma, she won’t ask for an extra cookie, but will steal it later when she thinks I’m not looking or thinks I won’t notice.  On more than one occasion at a restaurant, I have had to take Joey to the bathroom and told her I’d be right back.  Each time, she ends up coming into the bathroom (not needing to use it) and has left my purse and phone on the table unattended.  She has done other things on the sly and seems to enjoy doing things or knowing things other children don’t.  If I tell her she can take one of my pencils with her to school, she’ll take three when I’m not looking.  I have told her to be direct with me and ask for things when she wants them.  A few times, she has expressed surprise that I could tell she had used something of mine from my room.  Her father recently told me that she has been stealing candy from the corner store.  She is also a very pretty little girl and knows that everyone thinks she is cute, studious and will usually not suspect her of wrongdoing.

I know she must harbor some sadness and anger toward her absent mother, who doesn’t keep promises to visit the kids.  And though the kids are very excited and happy to see me, I wonder if Emma feels like she’s betraying her mom if she is affectionate or becomes attached to me.  They don't have any other women in their lives and their father still holds out hope for a reconciliation someday.  Can you tell me if I am overreacting to a normal phase or is this something I should address?  What is the best way to address the sneakiness, lying and stealing?

[margypops]

Definatly take Emma to the Bathroom aswell as Joey, and the Purse of course! she may feel a bit left out at times perhaps her younger brother gets more attention being the youngest, possibly the taking of things and the other behaviors are a way of getting more attention, could you annd Emma do some girl stuff and then you could play a Game or Read with Joey, she probably does miss her Mother a lot so a Womans touch would be so good for her,it is good for these children to have you in their lives for a couple of days ,This little girl ,simply seems to want more affection and care.

[Agiesmom]

I would imagine she feels abandoned and maybe secretly taking things fills some sort of void ir emptiness for her temporarily?

I'd try to lessen the opportunities for her to take things, if possible.  Reassuring her that she will likely be able to have it if she just asks nicely or that you can come to a compromise.

Regarding leaving her at the table, responsible for your purse--I just would not do that.  I honestly would not leave a young girl at a table in a restaurant alone anyway, never mind asking her to be responsible for watching your things.  Just take your purse and her with you from now on.  Maybe it's not a sly thing in this case...maybe she just feels left out or alone when you leave?

You are doing a nice thing for these kids by being there.