me, my boyfriend and his mum

[anrol553]

I've been going out with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years now. He loves me very much and would do anything for me. However, there are a few issues I just cant seem to work myself around. I don't know whether i'm being selfish or whether it is actually time to walk away.

His mum has been diagnosed with manic depression/bipolar disorder for a couple years now and his brother has behavioural problems. As a result of this, he is his mums carer and does so much for her. He cooks, cleans, irons AND plays more of a parental role regarding his brother compared to his mum as he is the only one that can control him. He is also a full time university student and doesnt work, therefore he hasnt got much of an income, other than student loans/grants. He barely has enough to support himself, yet his mum still insists that he buys his own food, clothes, pays some of the bills and gives her a portion of his student loan each time it comes through. Recently, she's hinted me and him should get a place together so I can ''Look after him'' as I work and drive- which i am not very keen on as Im still a student living with my parents. Realistically, she wouldn't even be able to cope on her own.

Also, him having to spend so much on the household means he never has enough money, he cant afford to take driving lessons, buy new clothes, and as a result, I personally think he's underweight.

He is my best friend and we have a lot in common, but lately, he has been down quite a lot and is constantly worrying about money. I've tried my best to be there for him but as selfish as this sounds, I feel like I want to distance myself. I feel so horrible because I know that I'm all he has, and I don't want to think of him suffering alone, but at the same time I can't imagine our future. With him constantly being his mother/brothers carer where does that leave me? or should i say us?

I'm aware that the condition his mother has is hereditary and the thought of him or our future children developing this scares me even more. I havn't spoken to him about this as he is still having trouble dealing with everything and blocks me out sometimes when I do try. What do i do?

[margypops]

Yes tha'ts exactly what you have to do weigh your options and think of the future if the relationship continues...He will have to moderate his care somewhat of this Moms dependency or how will you feel if he puts her needs before yours ..It may be worth a deep conversation with him about your concerns good luck its great you are so caring ....

[anrol553]

Thank you for your reply, I'm 21, he is 23 and his brother is 12.
With regards to his mother, on occasional days she is ok but majority of the time she is pretty dependent on him. I don't know whether she is actually capable of doing more but decides not to as my bf is there or whether she genuinely cant cope. I have seen her at her lowest of lows and I totally understand why my bf does help her as much as he does.

All his brother does is play computer games and doesn't do particularly well at school which I believe are an escape mechanism. When his mother tries to control it he can be quite abusive or will have a major temper tantrum; which only my bf can control.

Yeah, it is a tough predicament and its even tougher weighing out my options

[margypops]

This is no doubt a predicament...what ages are you both? I am speaking for you my opinion is great as he sounds, these problems will not go away if he is looking after her, and I commend him for doing that, but he and you have to have a life of your own and the scenario you have painted tells me you will not.Hes a good caring ,kind guy and you could do with that in your life , he may have to stand up for himself in the future though .Can she not look after herself in any respect nor the other brother ? I think you have to think very carefully how you will feel when this is ongoing ,its a dilemma and the decision is never easy ..