Aa
OT- My Ex.. I know
He has actually been pretty great lately. Going to appointments, we have been hanging out, talking about possibly working on our relationship again...
Then.. Same old. I called him to see if he wanted to do lunch at 1 (this is at 11) He apparently already ate. So I say.. Ok, what are you doing later.. "having beers w. the guys.."
Great.. I just feel like if he was truly interested in getting "us" back on track, he would make more effort.. Am I crazy? He has always gone for beers w/ his firends on Fridays. Often doesnt come home until 1 am.. He is 43.. His friends are all married and have families and the wives just deal with this Friday ritual.. I hate it.. I am insecure though and I dont know if I am over reacting b.c of our history..???
Any input????
Mumita... You are always honest, girl!
Whatcha think?
Then.. Same old. I called him to see if he wanted to do lunch at 1 (this is at 11) He apparently already ate. So I say.. Ok, what are you doing later.. "having beers w. the guys.."
Great.. I just feel like if he was truly interested in getting "us" back on track, he would make more effort.. Am I crazy? He has always gone for beers w/ his firends on Fridays. Often doesnt come home until 1 am.. He is 43.. His friends are all married and have families and the wives just deal with this Friday ritual.. I hate it.. I am insecure though and I dont know if I am over reacting b.c of our history..???
Any input????
Mumita... You are always honest, girl!
Whatcha think?
I'll be outta here this weekend BUt I'll check in every once in a while. PM me and if you need more hints on how to be indiferent. I swear men HATE it. Specially when "its all about him".
Well good. I'm not saying "ignore" him but just don't rush to the phone to answer, take your time, go get a pedicure and have a "ME' day where he's not allowed in. And see how he likes the "new" Laura.
just tell him that you have no patience or energy to worry about "the relationship", if he wants to work on it great, if not then Life goes on....it always does.
just tell him that you have no patience or energy to worry about "the relationship", if he wants to work on it great, if not then Life goes on....it always does.
I will *try* the indifferent route...
He did text me earlier and I just am so tired and blah, I didnt respond.. Yay for me and maybe he WILL think it is odd I didnt respond b.c gool ole reliable Laura ALWAYS does.. =)
I am definitely NOT in the same place I was a few months back, I am still the *same* person, I just dont have as much energy to expel..
He did text me earlier and I just am so tired and blah, I didnt respond.. Yay for me and maybe he WILL think it is odd I didnt respond b.c gool ole reliable Laura ALWAYS does.. =)
I am definitely NOT in the same place I was a few months back, I am still the *same* person, I just dont have as much energy to expel..
And...don't put so much effort into it. And don't have a "talk" nothing is more annoying than that. Just be INDIFERENT men HATE indiference because they hate being ignored. If he asks you why you are so indiferent then bluntly tell him that you are not going to put much effort into it if he's not putting any effort into the relationship, that you are just going with the flow.
Believe me indiference works. In fact, remember when he was ignoring your calls, didn't that make you call him even more?......exactly.
Believe me indiference works. In fact, remember when he was ignoring your calls, didn't that make you call him even more?......exactly.
Hmmm...Well you know I don't trust the man, because of his abusive behaviour towards you in the past. I don't think that you should put much effort into wanting to have a relationship with him. I think that if he really wants to then he should put in more effort. I agree with everyone that its normal for a man to have a "guys night" as I would too have a girls night if I actually had girl friends that went out without their significant others. My husband goes out with his friends because everytime I go with them he gets wasted and they get wasted and I end up being the looser that wants to go home because I can't stand drunk idiots.
BUT at the same time you guys have a history and if he wants to have a relationship, he needs to show that he's willing to set aside some of his time to spend with you doing things together once in a while, or show you that you are important. I mean for god's sake you are carrying his child!!!!
So, I wouldn't freak out that he's going out again, but you should show him that you also have OTHER things to do and that your life does not revolve around him and just take your time on developing this relationship until he gets it. But don't nag him, they hate that and then they'll do it on purpose just to show that he has "cojones" and that you don't control them. Thats all it is....
BUT at the same time you guys have a history and if he wants to have a relationship, he needs to show that he's willing to set aside some of his time to spend with you doing things together once in a while, or show you that you are important. I mean for god's sake you are carrying his child!!!!
So, I wouldn't freak out that he's going out again, but you should show him that you also have OTHER things to do and that your life does not revolve around him and just take your time on developing this relationship until he gets it. But don't nag him, they hate that and then they'll do it on purpose just to show that he has "cojones" and that you don't control them. Thats all it is....
hey
i agree! why are you settling for this guy, you can do wayy better! i was in an emotionally abusive relationship once and it was really really hard to get out of. it took my husband to save me and make me realize i deserved better! i understand he will always be a figure in your life because he is the father. but he's an adult, if he can manage a business i'm sure he can manage being a single father. you deserve a man who will love you for you and will treat you like a queen!! and you deserve a man who will love your child unconditionally! i mean, he's 43 and he still finds the need to torture you to get his giggles? what is that!?! i mean really, who says i love you and takes it back two days later? that is just cruel and unusual!! my ex decided he was 'in love' with another girl but wouldn't leave me for her. just kept shoving it in my face and saying, i will never leave you, you have to dump me! it wasn't fun but your ex sounds like my ex. likes to be the big man and is smarter than everyone else. wont change his mind on anything and loves to feel like he has the power. well, he shouldn't control you! you have yourself and the baby to think about. if anything think of the baby. i know its tempting to say well, its for the baby. but trust me, you will be much happier with someone who loves you and who will do anything for! someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with you and you with them. not just because he's the father to your child. you dont deserve that ****.
about friday night. he says he wants to work on things but obviously isn't. i say you aren't wrong. always follow your instincts! if you feel like something isn't right, it probably isn't. if he really wanted to be in a relationship with you he'd be here for you. and he would have gone to lunch again two hours later, at least sipped on a coffee just to spend time with you. especially if he isn't needed at work or somewhere else. as for friday nights. i'm all for guys night out but sometimes you can make exceptions to hang with your best lady that you never see.
thats just what i think though.
follow your instincts and trust yourself.
i hope that everything turns out for you,
i agree! why are you settling for this guy, you can do wayy better! i was in an emotionally abusive relationship once and it was really really hard to get out of. it took my husband to save me and make me realize i deserved better! i understand he will always be a figure in your life because he is the father. but he's an adult, if he can manage a business i'm sure he can manage being a single father. you deserve a man who will love you for you and will treat you like a queen!! and you deserve a man who will love your child unconditionally! i mean, he's 43 and he still finds the need to torture you to get his giggles? what is that!?! i mean really, who says i love you and takes it back two days later? that is just cruel and unusual!! my ex decided he was 'in love' with another girl but wouldn't leave me for her. just kept shoving it in my face and saying, i will never leave you, you have to dump me! it wasn't fun but your ex sounds like my ex. likes to be the big man and is smarter than everyone else. wont change his mind on anything and loves to feel like he has the power. well, he shouldn't control you! you have yourself and the baby to think about. if anything think of the baby. i know its tempting to say well, its for the baby. but trust me, you will be much happier with someone who loves you and who will do anything for! someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with you and you with them. not just because he's the father to your child. you dont deserve that ****.
about friday night. he says he wants to work on things but obviously isn't. i say you aren't wrong. always follow your instincts! if you feel like something isn't right, it probably isn't. if he really wanted to be in a relationship with you he'd be here for you. and he would have gone to lunch again two hours later, at least sipped on a coffee just to spend time with you. especially if he isn't needed at work or somewhere else. as for friday nights. i'm all for guys night out but sometimes you can make exceptions to hang with your best lady that you never see.
thats just what i think though.
follow your instincts and trust yourself.
i hope that everything turns out for you,
I guess we will need to have a talk. Maybe on Sunday or something.. I am wanting some peace and quiet tonight and maybe even tomorrow too!! =)
I wish relationships were easy.. They just weren't *designed* that way, I suppose... =P
I wish relationships were easy.. They just weren't *designed* that way, I suppose... =P
I forgot to mention....Why settle on someone who supposedly doesn't love you? When you can find someone who will truly find you as amazing as you are? I understand the daddy scenario, and if he wan't to be involved then so be it, but you also need someone to love you and make you happy. Of course baby comes first, but the mistake a lot of us women make, is that we forget about ourselves and our needs.
Do what you need to do, but never forget to occasionally do for yourself.
Do what you need to do, but never forget to occasionally do for yourself.
Ahh, I didnt know it was an *all the time* thing. I thought it was just a Friday thing. I do see now where you are coming from. I would NOT tolerate my man gone almost every day of the week, not one bit. I would allow maybe 2 days of him having his *guy* time, but not an every day thing. My husband is also retired, and even though he is, he doesn't get away with not being here for me or HIS kids.
I would sit down and have a talk with him. Ask him what he is willing to give up in order to make your relationship work, then tell him what you would like him to give up, or maybe come to a compromise, Tell him he can gold of say...Mondays, but Tues..Weds...and Thurs...are for Family time, Friday he can go out and drink.....Sat is your date night...and Sun he can have football but no drinking? Just trying to make an example.
Then ask him what he would want you to give up....and then tell him what your willing to give up and what your willing to compromise with. He has to realize that he is going to be a daddy soon....and daddies don't get the freedom of *do what I want* c r a p anymore.
If you can't sit and talk to him without it being an argument, have a mediator, a good friend to say *hey calm down, take a breather* or like Mada suggested....counseling.
Maybe he will settle down once he see's his son, sometimes men do, and sometimes they don't. Don't give up all hope on him, some men need a bit more time to grow up.
Also (brain fart)............oh I remember lol, I don't believe in people being made for eachother, or destined to be together. If my husband and I didn't get help, or start communicating we wouldn't be together, and as much as I love my hubby, it doesn't matter.....destined or not, a marriage will fail if *both* people aren't activly involved.
I would sit down and have a talk with him. Ask him what he is willing to give up in order to make your relationship work, then tell him what you would like him to give up, or maybe come to a compromise, Tell him he can gold of say...Mondays, but Tues..Weds...and Thurs...are for Family time, Friday he can go out and drink.....Sat is your date night...and Sun he can have football but no drinking? Just trying to make an example.
Then ask him what he would want you to give up....and then tell him what your willing to give up and what your willing to compromise with. He has to realize that he is going to be a daddy soon....and daddies don't get the freedom of *do what I want* c r a p anymore.
If you can't sit and talk to him without it being an argument, have a mediator, a good friend to say *hey calm down, take a breather* or like Mada suggested....counseling.
Maybe he will settle down once he see's his son, sometimes men do, and sometimes they don't. Don't give up all hope on him, some men need a bit more time to grow up.
Also (brain fart)............oh I remember lol, I don't believe in people being made for eachother, or destined to be together. If my husband and I didn't get help, or start communicating we wouldn't be together, and as much as I love my hubby, it doesn't matter.....destined or not, a marriage will fail if *both* people aren't activly involved.
Yeah, the whole friday night thing doesn't seem like such a big deal but when you add in all the other nights he is "out with the guys" it starts to get unfair. Its not fair to you that you sit at home while he goes out with his friends 3 or 4 nights a week.. He should at least invite you and even then maybe narrow it down to 2 nights instead of 3 or 4.. 1 night that you are allowed to go along and 1 night to himself.. maybe on the night you are allowed to tag along his friends wives can come too and you can make more friends.. or maybe one night when they are all out together you and the wives can have a get together and hang out like BTS and her friends, that way the kids can come and play together while the wives have their time and the guys can have their time too..
I dont really have too good of advice.. Travis has pretty much been glued to my side since the whole incident with the 15 year old, he knows and I know that this is the last chance at working our relationship out because I have already given him too many chances.. He is getting into daddy mode and looking more at the future of our family than anything else.. BUT it did take him until about 2 weeks ago to figure it out, so there is still hope for you too.. Once the end nears I think the guys really start thinking "oh **** Im gonna be a dad" instead of themselves so much.. Hopefully this happens with your ex too.
But I do agree with BTS, you need to talk to him.. and I know its probably going to be tricky given the rocky relationship you have had upto this point but he should know how you feel.. and vice versa.. Maybe consider counseling?? Travis and I are going to be starting counseling once his insurance picks him up and I think it will be really good for us because our biggest issue is the communication barrier.
I dont really have too good of advice.. Travis has pretty much been glued to my side since the whole incident with the 15 year old, he knows and I know that this is the last chance at working our relationship out because I have already given him too many chances.. He is getting into daddy mode and looking more at the future of our family than anything else.. BUT it did take him until about 2 weeks ago to figure it out, so there is still hope for you too.. Once the end nears I think the guys really start thinking "oh **** Im gonna be a dad" instead of themselves so much.. Hopefully this happens with your ex too.
But I do agree with BTS, you need to talk to him.. and I know its probably going to be tricky given the rocky relationship you have had upto this point but he should know how you feel.. and vice versa.. Maybe consider counseling?? Travis and I are going to be starting counseling once his insurance picks him up and I think it will be really good for us because our biggest issue is the communication barrier.
I should have clarified in the original post.. I have NO problem w. him having "guys" night.. NOT AT ALL.. I am not overbearing.. I just am tired of almost all days/nights being his days..
Keep in mind he is retired and typicaly golfs w. the guys 3 days per week on top of all the evening events.. He owns a business that requires literally about 5 hours work on the weekends.. That is IT! It is also seasonal so he doesnt work in the winter. Must be nice, huh?
And he doesn't love me. We dont have this huge past and other children. I am pregnant w/ out first, and he has been emotionally abusive in the past.. I want this to work, I just dont know that it ever will.. This is a man that (a year ago) told me he loved me, then told me 2 days later he didnt mean it, he just wanted to see what it felt like to say it to a woman.. He has never told a woman (w/ the exception of me and my "fake" I love you) that he loves her...
I appreciate the input though and agree that if I was freaking about 1 night a week that would be crazy and overbearing! I should have explained better! =)
Keep in mind he is retired and typicaly golfs w. the guys 3 days per week on top of all the evening events.. He owns a business that requires literally about 5 hours work on the weekends.. That is IT! It is also seasonal so he doesnt work in the winter. Must be nice, huh?
And he doesn't love me. We dont have this huge past and other children. I am pregnant w/ out first, and he has been emotionally abusive in the past.. I want this to work, I just dont know that it ever will.. This is a man that (a year ago) told me he loved me, then told me 2 days later he didnt mean it, he just wanted to see what it felt like to say it to a woman.. He has never told a woman (w/ the exception of me and my "fake" I love you) that he loves her...
I appreciate the input though and agree that if I was freaking about 1 night a week that would be crazy and overbearing! I should have explained better! =)
I agree to an extent. And it HAS been a "ritual" forever.. But so is dart league Thursday nights, all day football on Sundays, and Thirsty Tuesday.. He goes out w. his friends ALL the time, and when we do spend time together, it is almost always at his house, and he never *feels* like going anywhere w. me.. Its really annoying..
And I honestly dont know how his friends wives deal.. I guess they are really into their own careers, I get that, and most of them have children, so they are busy, I get that.. But I feel like if he and I are going to work on things, we should try and compromise..
Oh well, I am grateful that he is seemingly excited to be a Dad.. He has been such a d*ck that is nice just to have him around at the appt.'s and such. Maybe he and I are just not detined to be a couple..?? I guess time shall tell...
I am sorry about all your drama w/ Travis.. And clearly they never grow up.. K will be 44 next week.. UGGH!
And I honestly dont know how his friends wives deal.. I guess they are really into their own careers, I get that, and most of them have children, so they are busy, I get that.. But I feel like if he and I are going to work on things, we should try and compromise..
Oh well, I am grateful that he is seemingly excited to be a Dad.. He has been such a d*ck that is nice just to have him around at the appt.'s and such. Maybe he and I are just not detined to be a couple..?? I guess time shall tell...
I am sorry about all your drama w/ Travis.. And clearly they never grow up.. K will be 44 next week.. UGGH!
To be 100% honest, like I always am, and im not trying to sound like a b!tch when posting this so please don't take it that way.
BUT I think every man should have atleast 1 night out with the guys. My husband knocks off a few beers and plays video games every friday night with the boys. He doesn't go out anymore because I need him here in case I go in labor. But if I wasn't pregnant, he would go out to the bar, I would drop him off and pick them up as a DD.
I also have a few girls over ob friday's to play cards, do pedicures and manicures lol since I refuse to go anywhere for fear that my water will break. But if I wasn't pregnant I would go out aswell with my friends.
Even if it was a strip club hubby went to, I won't mind. I have put the fear of god in my man, that he knows if he screwed up, like cheating......it would be all done....over no questions asked, with all his sh!t on the front porch, and he would have to pay me every month for child support on our 3 kids. I would make his life a living hell, and he knows it.
BUT I also know that he would never do anyting like that, not just for fear of being screwed by me, but because he loves me. And I know that he would never do anything to screw up what he has. He has came centimeters to losing his family once, I took everything and left for 2 weeks, and no contact no nothing, because he was being emotionally abusive, and I had had it. When he begged me to come back, and I did obviously.....I told him....this is the first, and the last time I will walk out of my house because of him......that IF there was a next time, it will be him leaving the house, and he wouldn't be welcomed back.
So he knows how it feels to lose everything, and sometimes thats what it takes. I do think you are being a bit over bearing on the Friday night thing. Althoug our sig. others love to be with us, they need THEM time too. Sometimes being with our spouse 24/7 doesn't bring us closer but drives us away.
Talk to him about it, if you really want to work on the relationship....TALK! lol Tell him, * honey I don't mind you going out of Friday's with the boys, IF I get saturdays with the girls or something, or have a date night for the both of you. Let him have his day, you have yours, and then have a date.
You have to give and take, and make compromises or it will never work.
BUT I think every man should have atleast 1 night out with the guys. My husband knocks off a few beers and plays video games every friday night with the boys. He doesn't go out anymore because I need him here in case I go in labor. But if I wasn't pregnant, he would go out to the bar, I would drop him off and pick them up as a DD.
I also have a few girls over ob friday's to play cards, do pedicures and manicures lol since I refuse to go anywhere for fear that my water will break. But if I wasn't pregnant I would go out aswell with my friends.
Even if it was a strip club hubby went to, I won't mind. I have put the fear of god in my man, that he knows if he screwed up, like cheating......it would be all done....over no questions asked, with all his sh!t on the front porch, and he would have to pay me every month for child support on our 3 kids. I would make his life a living hell, and he knows it.
BUT I also know that he would never do anyting like that, not just for fear of being screwed by me, but because he loves me. And I know that he would never do anything to screw up what he has. He has came centimeters to losing his family once, I took everything and left for 2 weeks, and no contact no nothing, because he was being emotionally abusive, and I had had it. When he begged me to come back, and I did obviously.....I told him....this is the first, and the last time I will walk out of my house because of him......that IF there was a next time, it will be him leaving the house, and he wouldn't be welcomed back.
So he knows how it feels to lose everything, and sometimes thats what it takes. I do think you are being a bit over bearing on the Friday night thing. Althoug our sig. others love to be with us, they need THEM time too. Sometimes being with our spouse 24/7 doesn't bring us closer but drives us away.
Talk to him about it, if you really want to work on the relationship....TALK! lol Tell him, * honey I don't mind you going out of Friday's with the boys, IF I get saturdays with the girls or something, or have a date night for the both of you. Let him have his day, you have yours, and then have a date.
You have to give and take, and make compromises or it will never work.
Does he spend every other evening with you? of do him and his friends go out and have beers often?
I know that it stinks being cooped up at home all by yourself but once a week really isn't that much, and especially if they have been doing it for as long as you can remember, its probably his way of unwinding at the end of the week with his friends. I dont think it means that he doesn't want to get things back on track with you, but I do think its his way of saying "Friday nights are MY nights for me and MY friends." and although it stinks, maybe he deserves to have that friday night ritual with friends? and maybe once baby is born you can talk about working something out for weekends..
Maybe you can say "I know that you really like going out with your friends on Friday nights, but after the baby is born I'm going to need some time during the weekend to unwind too, so when you go out on Fridays I think that I should be able to go on Saturday during the day and do something for me. (maybe get your nails done, go shopping, get a massage.. Some YOU time.)
I know that your situation with him has been a lot like me and Travis.. (with the inconsistancy of them being there and then not there.. and all over again.) Travis is also the type of guy that needs that "escape" with his friends at least once a week otherwise it starts to take a big toll on our relationship. Me, I dont really mind as much.. I don't really NEED to hang with my friends but I do need the ME time every now and then to just go and do something to make myself feel better.
I know that it stinks being cooped up at home all by yourself but once a week really isn't that much, and especially if they have been doing it for as long as you can remember, its probably his way of unwinding at the end of the week with his friends. I dont think it means that he doesn't want to get things back on track with you, but I do think its his way of saying "Friday nights are MY nights for me and MY friends." and although it stinks, maybe he deserves to have that friday night ritual with friends? and maybe once baby is born you can talk about working something out for weekends..
Maybe you can say "I know that you really like going out with your friends on Friday nights, but after the baby is born I'm going to need some time during the weekend to unwind too, so when you go out on Fridays I think that I should be able to go on Saturday during the day and do something for me. (maybe get your nails done, go shopping, get a massage.. Some YOU time.)
I know that your situation with him has been a lot like me and Travis.. (with the inconsistancy of them being there and then not there.. and all over again.) Travis is also the type of guy that needs that "escape" with his friends at least once a week otherwise it starts to take a big toll on our relationship. Me, I dont really mind as much.. I don't really NEED to hang with my friends but I do need the ME time every now and then to just go and do something to make myself feel better.
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