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Should your existing children have a say in how many more kids you have?
I just wanted to get your opinions/insight into this. When it comes to deciding whether or not to have more kids, should your existing kids have a say? Should you take into consideration their feelings? Or should it be strictly a decision made by the parents.
If you think the kids should have a say, do you think the amount of consideration their opinions get should be based on their age/maturity level?
I'm just curious. *I* would like to have one more baby, DH says no more kids, but he's said that after each of the last 3. He also has no problems with us not using protection to prevent it so I'm pretty sure he'd be happy if it happened. The problem is DD14 always makes comments about us not having any more kids. She wasn't at all thrilled when I told her I was pregnant with Lily - she did eventually come around and get excited-but in the beginning she was like "OHH, Great" (sarcastically). I know it's because she already has to help out a lot, but she doesn't see that she would be doing most of the stuff she does now regardless of how many siblings she has. She doesn't like having to babysit, which I try not to ask her to do often and it usually isn't for long periods. That and we always try to compensate her somehow, either with paying her or giving her special priveledges etc.
Now DD7 made a comment the other day about how she hoped we didn't have any more kids. When I asked her why she said it just seemed like it would be too much work.
DD14 only has 3 years of high school left after this year and then she's off to college (hopefully). DD7 is my very strong willed one (you can read my journal entry about her) so anything that takes attention away from her is not something she wants.
It just made me think about all of this and wonder what all of you ladies think? For those who don't know, we already have a large family-5 kids ages 14, 7, 6, 2 and 7 mos.
If you think the kids should have a say, do you think the amount of consideration their opinions get should be based on their age/maturity level?
I'm just curious. *I* would like to have one more baby, DH says no more kids, but he's said that after each of the last 3. He also has no problems with us not using protection to prevent it so I'm pretty sure he'd be happy if it happened. The problem is DD14 always makes comments about us not having any more kids. She wasn't at all thrilled when I told her I was pregnant with Lily - she did eventually come around and get excited-but in the beginning she was like "OHH, Great" (sarcastically). I know it's because she already has to help out a lot, but she doesn't see that she would be doing most of the stuff she does now regardless of how many siblings she has. She doesn't like having to babysit, which I try not to ask her to do often and it usually isn't for long periods. That and we always try to compensate her somehow, either with paying her or giving her special priveledges etc.
Now DD7 made a comment the other day about how she hoped we didn't have any more kids. When I asked her why she said it just seemed like it would be too much work.
DD14 only has 3 years of high school left after this year and then she's off to college (hopefully). DD7 is my very strong willed one (you can read my journal entry about her) so anything that takes attention away from her is not something she wants.
It just made me think about all of this and wonder what all of you ladies think? For those who don't know, we already have a large family-5 kids ages 14, 7, 6, 2 and 7 mos.
Oh and to clarify the 7 and 6 yo DO have age appropriate chores. So they aren't running around scott free lol
Im not in the situation yet...DD is only 3 and a half, and love her baby sister to death but is a little jealious at times. when we told her we were having a baby about 2 months before she was born, she really didnt understand, because she had never been around a baby before. when she got to see lil bit in the hospital she was asleep and DD told us to turn baby sissy on lol...
Anyways I voted "NO, it's the parents decision, it's an adult matter and not open for discussion with children" because we are only going to have one more, in about 4 years, we want to try one more time for a boy, then we are done.
I am the oldest of 5, a bro and sis from mom, and 2 sisters from dad, bro and sis was raised withthier dad and the other sisters were raised by dad and my stepmom. So technically I was raised an only child. I on the chores front, I have no opinion on that. But my kids will only have these chores: Cleaning their own room, alternate doing the dishes, and taking the Scraps/slop to the pigs. ALL the rest is MY responsibility.
Anyways I voted "NO, it's the parents decision, it's an adult matter and not open for discussion with children" because we are only going to have one more, in about 4 years, we want to try one more time for a boy, then we are done.
I am the oldest of 5, a bro and sis from mom, and 2 sisters from dad, bro and sis was raised withthier dad and the other sisters were raised by dad and my stepmom. So technically I was raised an only child. I on the chores front, I have no opinion on that. But my kids will only have these chores: Cleaning their own room, alternate doing the dishes, and taking the Scraps/slop to the pigs. ALL the rest is MY responsibility.
I voted that their feelings shouls be considered but not affect ur decision... it is you who will be supporting this child so it really doesnt matter what they think they are going to love baby no matter what they thought before he/she was concieved... I grew up being the middle child, and of course my older sister was the first born therefore spoiled and even though she was given responsibilities they werent huge ones... we are only 19mths apart so our chores were pretty much the same... with the exception she was given the authorization to boss us around which she enjoyed... my brother 14mths younger was and still to this day is a momma's boy... currently very responsible and extremely smart and independent but a mommas boy... he was a little ball of mischief... and everytime he did something my mom would try to correct it but it all ended up in games (my mom following him around the dinner table to "spank him"). and me... well thats another story... i was always blamed for everything, and since i am extremely strong willed, it was always my fault no matter what it was... so your dd may feel like because shes the oldest she has it bad, but dont let that make u feel bad she really doesnt... in fact all i hear from you are great things of her so she shouldnt be complaining... she is old enough to understand she needs to help out, on the other hand, the 7 and 6 yr olds should have some responsibility as well... u mentioned that dd14 has to sweep and mop the kitchen and dining room every evening and does the dishes.... i did dishes since i was 4... and not everyones but my own... we each had plastic plates and cups that we would eat in and when we finished eating we would each get up and wash our own plate and cup, every day... then as my brother got a little older we would take turns and would each wash everyone's dishes one day and alternate... maybe compromise with the 6 and 7 yr olds to do their own dishes and have dd14 do hers, yours and dads... have them help her clean the mirrors in the bathroom, and dust the tv and such in the living room... I just think that her thing is seeing she's the only one with responsibilities... and the other 2 arent babies anymore...
Sorry I am babbling but im hungry and not making too much sense...
Sorry I am babbling but im hungry and not making too much sense...
GA, I think it is ultimately you and DH's decision. I think asking your kids what they think or including them in the decision is a courtesy really. I think there is a big difference in expecting your older kids to help than kids raising kids. My son doesn't live with us so he doesn't really "count." My oldest daughter is 9 and helps out a lot. I have an 8 year old that helps her. I was only 1 of 2 and I still helped out plenty. A lot more was expected of me than my brother so a large family doesn't necessarily have anything to do with it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with kids helping their parents. How much do we do for them? Most of the things I expect of my older daughters have to do with them. THEIR room, THEIR bathroom, THEIR game room. I have recently started making them sort their own clothes. I also make them fold them and put them away. Now this was their fault but that is another story. I expect them to ALL help keep the game room clean, their upstairs bathroom, and their bedrooms. I have recently had them start helping with unloading the dishwasher (the 8and 9 year old) sometimes and helping pick up the floor after we have a meal. May sound like a lot but if this is tended to every day, it only takes minutes to do.
I have told my girls over and over again how lucky they are to have one another. I never had a sister and wish I did more than anything. My girls never have to be alone. They always have a playmate. When they have a bad dream at night or are scared of the dark, they have their sister(s) there with them. They always have someone to play a game with or watch a movie with or color with or go out in the back yard and play with, etc. I never had anyone. I have also explained to my girls that everything they do is good practice for when they are mothers themselves. Helping out around the house teaches them to help out period. Helping others is a life long skill. We have also talked about how "being fair" doesn't always equal "the same.". I can't have the same expectations of my 3 year old as my 9 year old and they understand that. Since they are used to helping, they don't complain or argue. The NEVER have even tried and every time I am pregnant, they are exstatic.
Oh, on Saturday my 8 year old daughter started running a super high fever. It was over 104. Guess who wanted to take care of her? The 9 year old. She WANTED to. She was taking her medicine and ice packs and putting on movies for her, etc. Helping just now comes natural to them and I take a lot of pride in that and the love they have for each other.
I have told my girls over and over again how lucky they are to have one another. I never had a sister and wish I did more than anything. My girls never have to be alone. They always have a playmate. When they have a bad dream at night or are scared of the dark, they have their sister(s) there with them. They always have someone to play a game with or watch a movie with or color with or go out in the back yard and play with, etc. I never had anyone. I have also explained to my girls that everything they do is good practice for when they are mothers themselves. Helping out around the house teaches them to help out period. Helping others is a life long skill. We have also talked about how "being fair" doesn't always equal "the same.". I can't have the same expectations of my 3 year old as my 9 year old and they understand that. Since they are used to helping, they don't complain or argue. The NEVER have even tried and every time I am pregnant, they are exstatic.
Oh, on Saturday my 8 year old daughter started running a super high fever. It was over 104. Guess who wanted to take care of her? The 9 year old. She WANTED to. She was taking her medicine and ice packs and putting on movies for her, etc. Helping just now comes natural to them and I take a lot of pride in that and the love they have for each other.
I believe it's the parents decision. I would never feel the need to consult my children to have another child because that's a very personal topic that I don't think should be discussed with them. Plus, I don't believe in BC, so as a family we would never say this is the last child anyway, regardless.
I think that kids should be involved to an extent. Smaller children change their minds every other day to suit their moods, so I would ask them and include them...but I'm not sure it would sway me much. However, I think 7 an up should have their opinions weighed in on the matter because they are getting older and getting out of that stage.
When I was a child it was just me, my brother (older), and my Mom. My parents were divorced when I was 8. Anyways, my entire life I grew up feeling like the oddball. My mother hardly had time for me because she worked so much to support us, but when she did have time off, it was spent with my brother. He was the favorite. My mother never kept a clean house and to this day she hires my aunt to come over every week an clean up after her and my 26 year old brother. I was the only one who did anything, and she treated me like it was solely MY job.
My brother hasn't worked more than a few months out of his entire life, has no license, no car...etc. She pays all of his bills, takes him out drinking and to expensive restaurants several times a week, and buys him all organic groceries. Meanwhile, I'm married and told her I was pg and she went off on me telling me I had no business having a child if I couldn't support her. HELLO...my bills are paid, Lexi has everything she needs and could want even though she's only 4 months, and I'm blessed to be a sahm.
So, if she had asked me at 14 or 15 how I felt about another sibling...I would have told her to stuff it and would have moved out.
I'm sure that in no way your dd's life is like that at all! I just think that in certain circumstances...their opinions matter as much as your dh's.
When I was a child it was just me, my brother (older), and my Mom. My parents were divorced when I was 8. Anyways, my entire life I grew up feeling like the oddball. My mother hardly had time for me because she worked so much to support us, but when she did have time off, it was spent with my brother. He was the favorite. My mother never kept a clean house and to this day she hires my aunt to come over every week an clean up after her and my 26 year old brother. I was the only one who did anything, and she treated me like it was solely MY job.
My brother hasn't worked more than a few months out of his entire life, has no license, no car...etc. She pays all of his bills, takes him out drinking and to expensive restaurants several times a week, and buys him all organic groceries. Meanwhile, I'm married and told her I was pg and she went off on me telling me I had no business having a child if I couldn't support her. HELLO...my bills are paid, Lexi has everything she needs and could want even though she's only 4 months, and I'm blessed to be a sahm.
So, if she had asked me at 14 or 15 how I felt about another sibling...I would have told her to stuff it and would have moved out.
I'm sure that in no way your dd's life is like that at all! I just think that in certain circumstances...their opinions matter as much as your dh's.
I don't think it's only an adult matter, because when a child is born everyone is expected to help---If the adults intend to do everything alone with no involvement from the children or help then I think they can make the choice without them. If they expect help, I think it's only common curtsey to ask their opinions regardless of age. I grew up as the oldest of my siblings, and I detested it. I was always responsible for getting them food, helping with homework (my mom god love her is dumber than a box of rocks--and will be the first to admit it) getting them into bed, getting them up and to school, taking care of them when sick.....and blame came to me first when they did something wrong. I couldn't wait to get out of my moms house.
amandamae: Thank you for your experience. For awhile there we WERE putting a lot on DD14 and once that was realized we scaled it back. I try not to ask her to do things that I should do unless I'm doing something I can not stop, I'm sick or something more important needs my attention right then. Her biggest frusteration I think is her normal chores. Which are ones she would have even if she were an only child...the only difference is when her younger siblings get old enough they will begin to help her and eventually take over some of her roles. She does the hall bathroom and living on weekends and does the dishes and sweeps and mops the kitchen and dining room every evening. Plus she has to keep her own room up and do her own laundry.
I have tried very hard, and thusfar succeeded in never causing her to miss anything she's wanted to do for the purpose of babysitting. She gets to do her things unless it's unreasonable for other reasons. I think partly she just feels she shouldn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do LOL-she's at that age!
I have tried very hard, and thusfar succeeded in never causing her to miss anything she's wanted to do for the purpose of babysitting. She gets to do her things unless it's unreasonable for other reasons. I think partly she just feels she shouldn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do LOL-she's at that age!
I voted that you should take their feelings into consideration. If the whole family says no more kids (except you), then maybe that is something that should weigh heavily in the decision making process. Also, I say this coming from a family with 5 kids. I totally loved growing up with a large family and never had any resentment when another kid was added. But I did often get VERY fustrated at the amount of chores required with such a large family. I totally understand having to help out and do my part, but being the oldest girl in the family, I seemed to get an unfair deal. When diapers needed changing, I was the first to be called. When kids needed consoling, I was the one to do it. When a baby sitter was needed, I was automatically handed that job. And the amount of dishes and laundry was out of control!
I think sometimes parents don't realize that THEY had the kids and THEY should be responsible for them. It took a long time for my parents to realize that I was doing a lot of the work THEY should be doing. Once they realized this, it did ease up. EVERY kid should have chores. In fact, when my nieces visited EVERY weekend, they had chores too. Houses don't keep themselves clean! BUT I never made them clean a mess that wasn't theirs. My own children WILL have their fair share of chores too. For me, I never complained about doing chores as a kid until it became too much. If your older kids are complaining about having to do too much, maybe it's time to evaluate how much they are really doing. It's important to let kids be kids...even if it's just reading, painting, playing games, or whatever. We have plenty of time to be adults and do chores, raise kids, and pay bills...kids only have a limited amount of time to be kids.
I'm not saying that you are making the older kids do too much work. I'm just saying that if they are complaining about it (to the point of asking for no more kids in the family), it might be time to evaluate who is doing what in the household chore world. And if the older ones are not really doing that much, maybe a conversation about the importance of life skills (knowing how to do chores) and how it only gets more difficult as an adult (you have to do ALL the chores when out on your own) could be useful. :)
I think sometimes parents don't realize that THEY had the kids and THEY should be responsible for them. It took a long time for my parents to realize that I was doing a lot of the work THEY should be doing. Once they realized this, it did ease up. EVERY kid should have chores. In fact, when my nieces visited EVERY weekend, they had chores too. Houses don't keep themselves clean! BUT I never made them clean a mess that wasn't theirs. My own children WILL have their fair share of chores too. For me, I never complained about doing chores as a kid until it became too much. If your older kids are complaining about having to do too much, maybe it's time to evaluate how much they are really doing. It's important to let kids be kids...even if it's just reading, painting, playing games, or whatever. We have plenty of time to be adults and do chores, raise kids, and pay bills...kids only have a limited amount of time to be kids.
I'm not saying that you are making the older kids do too much work. I'm just saying that if they are complaining about it (to the point of asking for no more kids in the family), it might be time to evaluate who is doing what in the household chore world. And if the older ones are not really doing that much, maybe a conversation about the importance of life skills (knowing how to do chores) and how it only gets more difficult as an adult (you have to do ALL the chores when out on your own) could be useful. :)
I think that their feelings should be considered, but agian age and maturity should also play a role! I think the 14 year old (in my oppinion) may feel like she is loosing her childhood and has to do so much already and thats why she is so aginst it! If you and your husband decide to have one more I would make sure that the 14 year old get to do all that all the other kids are doing so she dosnt feel like she has to help raise your kids!
I voted that their feelings should be considered but at the end of the day it is an adult decision between you and your partner.
Well when we made the decision we wanted to go for baby number 4, I absolutely wanted my kids to be asked what they thought about it. Although in the back of my mind I knew they would all say yes to it! My 3 are DD6, DS4 and DS3, also have 2 stepsons 13 & 12 who don't live with us so they will just have to deal with it! lol
This is absolutely 1000% our last baby when it happens as part of the deal was that dh gets the snip after baby is born. (his request not mine, but I am happy with that)
They are all looking forward to another baby, they talk about it often enough anyway and I know they will love being able to cuddle the baby and help out with things. Now all I need is to make sure it's a girl as dd wants a sister to balance the odds! Healthy is the main thing, but another girl would be nice I guess, do love my little boys though I must admit! :D
This is absolutely 1000% our last baby when it happens as part of the deal was that dh gets the snip after baby is born. (his request not mine, but I am happy with that)
They are all looking forward to another baby, they talk about it often enough anyway and I know they will love being able to cuddle the baby and help out with things. Now all I need is to make sure it's a girl as dd wants a sister to balance the odds! Healthy is the main thing, but another girl would be nice I guess, do love my little boys though I must admit! :D
LOL @ Trinitynjdr
I feel better knowing that the general consensus is that it's ultimately the parents decision and it doesn't make me selfish for not really listening to what my kids say about this LOL. DD14, well, she's the responsible kid and she does help out a LOT. She has chores that she does, both daily and weekly. Plus she does babysit, sometimes when I'm out of the house doing shopping or so DH and I can get out which isn't very often. But also sometimes while I'm home so I can get things done. BUT, I have never made her miss anytihng she wanted to do in order to babysit. The times she does are when she would otherwise be in her room on her laptop, watching tv or drawing/reading.
I came from a small family...it was just me and my brother who was almost 6 years older than me. I was always jealous of my friends who had large families and always had a family get together etc. I guess that's partly why I want a big family.
I feel better knowing that the general consensus is that it's ultimately the parents decision and it doesn't make me selfish for not really listening to what my kids say about this LOL. DD14, well, she's the responsible kid and she does help out a LOT. She has chores that she does, both daily and weekly. Plus she does babysit, sometimes when I'm out of the house doing shopping or so DH and I can get out which isn't very often. But also sometimes while I'm home so I can get things done. BUT, I have never made her miss anytihng she wanted to do in order to babysit. The times she does are when she would otherwise be in her room on her laptop, watching tv or drawing/reading.
I came from a small family...it was just me and my brother who was almost 6 years older than me. I was always jealous of my friends who had large families and always had a family get together etc. I guess that's partly why I want a big family.
I am the oldest of 6 and my mom usually asked me what i thought after she was already pregnant. I suppose to gage where my head was at. The first time she became pregnant and we discussed it I told her i wanted a brother and otherwise i would throw a girl out the window. I was 7yrs old. She had a boy but then a year later had a girl and then the others came every two years. We discussed it but not to the point of making the decision. My last sister was born when i was 15.
Oops, I accidentally voted for the wrong one. Meant to say NO-- I do not believe children should have a say. It is an adult decision, and kids cannot truly fathom how it will effect them in the future... for the rest of their lives... I cannot imagine living with "regrets" of NOT having another child because my kids said "enough!"
@GA, my oldest (a girl) sometimes says she doesn't want me to have any more, but I don't really believe her. :) She adores her 3 little brothers, and NO, she really does not have many/any responsibilities that come as a result of being the oldest of 4. Other times, she will tell me whe would like another little brother. And my older 2 boys keep asking, "when are we gonna get another baby?" LoL
Ask yourself this: Would you have another baby if your kids wanted one, even if you and your DH really didn't? Of course not. I don't think they should havea say, at all. They should, of course, be included in preparation and discussion of a new baby situation, in order to minimize feelings of "displacement" or jealousy.
@GA, my oldest (a girl) sometimes says she doesn't want me to have any more, but I don't really believe her. :) She adores her 3 little brothers, and NO, she really does not have many/any responsibilities that come as a result of being the oldest of 4. Other times, she will tell me whe would like another little brother. And my older 2 boys keep asking, "when are we gonna get another baby?" LoL
Ask yourself this: Would you have another baby if your kids wanted one, even if you and your DH really didn't? Of course not. I don't think they should havea say, at all. They should, of course, be included in preparation and discussion of a new baby situation, in order to minimize feelings of "displacement" or jealousy.
I would take their feelings into consideration, but the final decision is up to you and DH...when we had our last, we talked to the kids first, and they were pretty happy and wanted another, so we did...but now that I am fixed 4 of the 6 kids have asked me to have another, but only one said no more kids, and that is just because he doesnt want another girl in the house lol
Make it your call, she will come around...Good luck
Make it your call, she will come around...Good luck
U posted a similar question this week because I have four boys ages 14, 10, 9, abd mu baby just turned six yesterdayI would live to conceive again and hopefully it will end with us having a girl. My oldest says " no, my three brothers are enough", my second oldest and baby says yes they want a little sister and the second to last was also saying yes to a baby sister (hopefully) but now says no because his older brother gets on his nerves!!
I think they being children change their minds alot ask long as your love and attention is shared amongst then all I sure they'll come around and be just as excited about another edition!!
I think they being children change their minds alot ask long as your love and attention is shared amongst then all I sure they'll come around and be just as excited about another edition!!
I think that the feelings should be considered but adding another life into the world should be based on the parents final choice. If your DH isn't helping in the prevention of pregnancy, I'm sure he wouldn't be disappointed if he had another baby lol....
It makes me wonder if children don't want their parents to have another baby because of attention issues or the fact they know there will be times they will need to help out and would rather be doing their own thing. I haven't talked to DF about this situation yet because we are only on number 1 due in sept... but I'm sure it will come up after we have the baby and they get a little older and we decide to have another one... lol
It makes me wonder if children don't want their parents to have another baby because of attention issues or the fact they know there will be times they will need to help out and would rather be doing their own thing. I haven't talked to DF about this situation yet because we are only on number 1 due in sept... but I'm sure it will come up after we have the baby and they get a little older and we decide to have another one... lol
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