long one, but please take the time to read. i just need some encouragement.

[laura1985]

AF came on the 26th. I have been so depressed the last few days. We tried so hard for the last year for me to get pregnant again, and now its all over. For those of you who dont know, I had to have a d&c on Feb 17th when I was 10 weeks. I have real regrets about it, even though know it had to be done. As of now, my husband and I have moved in with my grandmother and my mentally retarded aunt. We are taking care of them, and it really is the best situation at this point considering how ill my grandmother has been recently and the economy in general. We have a tiny bedroom in her four bedroom house. I am still working full time and it is pretty much my only escape. It is a really stressful job taking care of them, but I know they need me and I love them enough to do it.

I just don't know what is wrong with me. Going to my therapist isn't helping any, and because I've been so stressed and depressed lately, I've thrown myself into a Lupus flare. I know I need to give myself some time to heal, but I just want to try again so badly to get pregnant. I keep telling myself "Try more time, and maybe this will be it!" But after 5 miscarriages, it really is doubtful. My husband doesn't even want to hear about it. He says that it is out of the question to EVER try again. Right after my d&c, I was pretty sure about getting Essure placed in my tubes, but something keeps holding me back from doing it. I want to get pregnant, but then I think about the responsibility I have regarding my grandmother and aunt. I wouldn't even have a place to put the baby in the house! I am also struggling with the fact that I am so envious of everyone who is pregnant. It doesn't matter who it is, I don't understand why they can have a successful pregnancy and I can't.

I am not asking for any validation, just your kind words. You ladies have experienced this journey with me over the last 2 years, and you are the only ones I feel comfortable talking about all of this with.

[amberd5191]

I am keeping you in my prayers, good luck sweetie!

[Mumita]

Some things are better not to be discussed with certain people.  I am sure that your grandma meant well but in her time, miscarriages weren't a big deal because most didn't find out that they were pregnant a couple of months into it.  So a miscarriage was often a "late period".
When I had my miscarriage in the summer, EVERYONE older than me asked me if I was "really pregnant and not just late" on my period, my mom was like "you shouldn't have been walking the dogs" in a way blaming me for doing something to cause it.  To me that was almost an insult, but the truth is, no one really knows anything about miscarriages eventhough they are soooo common, because no one talks openly about it.  I think that in a way having gone through it, it is our responsibility to really talk about it so people are aware.
My MIL was the only person that really helped me because she talked to me about it because she had one before she had her 3 kids.  And that to me was very encouraging.

Definitely start a group or something or at least make people aware of how common miscarriages are.

[laura1985]

thank you all for your kind words. im feeling better today, thank God! ive just had a lot of stress on me recently and i think that is why i got so down in the dumps. my grandmother went off on me yesterday about how stupid i was to continue to get pregnant when we dont have a whole lot of extra money. i really wanted to pack up my stuff and leave, but i shook it off and told her that she just needed to mind her own buisness. i just try to chalk it up to her being old and ignorant bless her heart. im hoping that someday we will have our baby, and hopefully dh will change his mind about trying a few years down the road.

im thinking about starting up a support group for woman who have experienced miscarriages. it really helps to have someone who understands, and i would love to be able to help someone else in their time of need. i not sure how im gonna go about starting it up yet though. anyone who has any ideas, or would like to be apart of it, please let me know. i really believe that it is a cause that should get just as much attention as any other disease out there. there needs to be awareness and reasearch done so that others dont have to suffer.

[depressed748]

I am so sorry you feel the way you do and I wish there were words that I can say to help..I havent had as many m/c's as you but I have had two...and I use to be jealous of people having babies especially those who didnt even want to have kids..you have to just give it God..it will come at the right time. I am living proof...because with the help of my doctor I was able to go a whole nine months and now I have my precious little boy..KEEP THE FAITH! IT WILL HAPPEN

[LauraB78]

I am also happy to hear that you have decided to postpone the Essure. I think you have had a tough few years, and you need a break. I just wanted to say hang in there and I am proud of you. It takes a lot of courage and conviction to continue and talk about these issues and heartbreaks, especially when you are caring for others! I agree with Mumita & Joy that you should take a break from ttc, and just  take care of you for awhile, mentally, physically, & emotionally. I see a therapist as well, and sometimes I wonder if it *truly* helps, but I like having that non biased person to "vent" to even if that is all I accomplish! Hang in there lady!

**Giant Hugs!!**

[worriedbabe]

i just wanted to say i identify with the jealousy thing. mine was a threatened miscarriage till i hit 18 weeks. up till then i was jealous of women further along whose pregnancies were going fine. not that i'd want it any other way for them, just saying i think it's natural to feel that way. i really hope you have a successful pregnancy. But, the time does need to be right for you AND your husband. Maybe you could talk to him about how you feel more?

[JoyRenee]

My dear sweet friend, I'm SO sorry you're going through all of this. You're doing the right thing by taking care of yourself first. As Mumita said, I have also known people who had multiple miscarriages before finally having a baby (in one case it was twin boys after 12 miscarriages).

Of course I don't wish for you to go through that many losses. I'm hoping that the next time is YOUR time and nothing will get in the way of it. *HUGS*

[Mumita]

I am glad that you decided against getting the essure.  You should think about maybe getting a copper IUD in place for a litte while until you are ready to try again.  It doesn't have any hormones so it should not interfere with your clotting dissorder the side effects are MINIMAL and once removed you are ready to start trying again.  I agree that maybe you should wait a while before trying again, maybe give yourself a few months or maybe a year, but you are able to conceive and that is the first step.

My mom has Lupus, she was diagnosed before she had me and my brother, she was told that she would never be able to conceive but she had us.  I have an aunt that had 4 miscarriages and 3 still borns and then she had two healthy kids. I know a lady that had 7 miscarriages and she decided to never try again, well she adopted a set of twins when they were newborns, just when she got the twins she was pregnant and had the baby when the twins turned 1 year old :)  Never loose hope...

[Anya1984]

Yeah, that sounds very sad...But when I had my m/c, I also start working on myself, working out, working at work and then going to pilates, yoga and finally, accupanture...all of the above helped me a great deal to cope and finally I was able to get pregnant again! You do need time to heal and focus on other things...You will see that you will be better in no time!

[laura1985]

I was tested for abnormalities in Feb 2008 and I have a blood clotting disorder as well. I am on 40 mgs on Lovenox daily. I really thought this last time would be it, but it wasn't. Right now I am just trying to work on me I guess. I want to get pregnant again, but I know that I can't let myself do that right now. There are so many other things that I have on my plate, and I think I need to let my body heal for a year or so. I have thrown myself into working out again daily. That is one of the only things that makes me feel better these days. I'm hoping to get myself back into shape and get healthy again as well. I'm just still really sad. I think it just now hitting me that the baby is gone. We had the tissue tested and they couldn't find anything wrong. We also found out it was a boy through that testing, which I think has thrown me into a funk because we wanted a boy so badly. I just hope that this depression passes quickly...

[Anya1984]

I totally understand and I am very happy that you decided not to tie your tubes yet..I know that 5 m/c is a lot but there is always a HUGE chance of success....Maybe you should change your doc and try something else? Maybe you have some kind of problem that was not diagnosed yet? I have a friend who also had many m/c, and then they found out that it was something wtih her blood clot thing and so after she started to take those thinners, she got pregnant! So, I just don't want you to give up because you are so young..
Living with your grandma and aunt must be very hard but it will be repaid in the end.. Hopefully, God will see how kind you are to your loved ones and give you what you deserve- a little baby!
You are in my prayers and I hope that it will be time when you will have your chance, very soon!
Anya.

[chantal21]

I know nothing I say can help heal your pain. But I truly am sorry you have to go through this! We are all here for you, anytime! I knew someone who endured 6 miscarriages before having her first baby. She then had another one after her child and then had 3 more children. She endured a lot and even her pregnancies were complicated, but it all worked out in the end. It's possible! I just want you to know that. But to try again is something you and your husband have to come to, together. I've been through 2 miscarriages, one at 5 weeks and one at 10 weeks. I know the pain, and I wish no one had to experience it, ever! If you are truly not comfortable with getting essure placed in your tubes, then talk to your hubby about the concerns and see what you can guys can come up with. God does have a plan for you!! Try to trust Him during this difficult time. God does everything for a reason, even when we can't understand it. I hope you guys can talk it through and really do hope one day you are blessed!!