My first fight with my ex...over names

[MamaBear0612]

Not really a question, more of a vent...I just got into the first real fight with my baby's father. Today's the first time that I saw him since I told him the news two and a half months ago. The meeting went okay, we talked about the baby, I showed him the few things I bought for the baby's room, we talked about baby names, etc.

But then he called me tonight, asking, "The baby's gonna have my last name, right?" Umm, no, I told him...and it all went downhill from there. From my perspective, this is going to be my only child, this is likely going to be the only grandchild, and since I'll have primary care of the baby, I'll be the one going to doctor's appointments, enrolling in school and sports, etc. so there's both a personal and a practical element why I think the baby should have my last name.  The baby is also going to be biracial (he's black and I'm Latina), and as I told him it's likely the baby will look a lot more like him, so it's important to me to keep my heritage there with the name.  

The baby's dad also has been largely absent most of the pregnancy, he says he's gonna be father of the year when the baby actually gets here, but as I told him, I don't know that. For all I know, if I name the child after him, the last time I'll see him is after I sign the paperwork.  He doesn't exactly have a track record of sticking around, and although we're not out of communication and he's not being a jerk, he's not exactly been father of the year during the pregnancy...and my last name is nice, short, and distinctive, whereas his is really commonplace like Brown or Smith. To me it's a no-brainer, but I did think a lot about it, so I have my reasons why I think the baby should have my name.  As I said, we're not married, we're not even together, and this is one of the things that sometimes single parents have to deal with.

From his perspective, well, it's his child, and the baby should have his last name. So please reconsider, because it will really hurt him...ugh men.  I offered to hyphenate, because as I said the baby having just his last name just wasn't going to happen.  To me that was a real concession, because our last names aren't really pretty together and now we're gonna mark this poor baby with a horrible hyphenated last name, but at least then neither of us would get our feelings hurt over something like a name. He's still not happy with me. I swear, these guys. He's been gone for two thirds of his baby's life so far (okay, so I'm only 3 and a half months lol, but still) and NOW he's getting possessive over a child he was really comfortable ignoring. :/

So again, just venting...

[leesha89]

i went through the same thing not diff back grounds though but you pointed out it is your baby well its his too and for guys it is very importannt for there children to have there last name.
i hyphenated my daughters with both my xs and my last name but i only use mine when shes going to school dr etc its just my last name all it means is its a legal document saying the baby has 2 names its really not big deal because you dont have to use both

[adgal]

Situations like this are always tough.  But it sounds to me that you are really making an effort to keep the relationship friendly and include him in decisions, etc.  I work in the Social Services field, and alot of my families are single moms where dad is sort of in and out of the picture.  I see firsthand how the fighting and anger between the two biological parents impacts these kids. So I truly commend you on making the effort that you are.  Unfortunately you know you can't force the father to do what's right, but at least you are allowing him the opportunity to do so if he chooses.  Trust me, your child will one day thank you for that.  It's a really great way to approach this and I think often people don't realize how important it is.  Good for you. I really mean that.

[MamaBear0612]

Thanks, and yeah I'm fine if one day the baby makes a decision to drop one of our names. I would hope we'd both be great enough parents and we teach our child enough about their heritages that it will make sense to he/she to carry both of our names.  But I've never intended to try to cancel him out. I honestly thought he wouldn't even care - because again he hasn't been the most active father over the past few months - so I was surprised at the conversation and the strength of his feelings. He is the baby's father, and I wouldn't take that away from him, not if he's trying at all. Wish us luck, I think we'll need it. :)

[adgal]

Sorry, just to add...with hyphenating, your child will then be able to make his own mind up down the road if he wants to drop one of the names.  It will show the child that you did try to ensure dad was a part of his life, and should help squash any potential resentment on the child's part.  Yep, I really think you are making a good decision here.

[adgal]

Just my two cents...I think that hyphenating is a wonderful compromise and shows that you are making every effort to have the babies father and his heritage included in his life.  Quite frankly, after that, it's up to him.  In your shoes, I suspect I would make exactly the same decision.  Best of luck to you.

[MamaBear0612]

I think we'll probably hyphenate it. That for me is a good compromise. And my mother has her father's last name, and she resents that...can't please everybody, just gotta try to come to a solution that works for you.

[Nikkihouse2009]

I was given my mothers last name and my I resented my mother for it. Just saying.

[worriedbabe]

When my babyyl's father has acted responsibly, I have given the baby his last name. When the father has not demonstrated any kind of responsibility, then I have given the baby my last name. There's just no argument on this subject for me as far as I'm concerned, biology goes out the window. It's who's there for that baby, who cares for him/her, takes responsibility - that is what makes someone a parent.

[Haileyr16]

But you can give the baby both last names too,if that might help,I'm pregnant now well me and my fiancé are getting married,but even of will split before the baby gets here I will give our baby his last name,I'm not saying your opinion is bad at all bout giving the baby you last name and you might work things out when the baby gets here t changes a lot.good luck xx

[Haileyr16]

I know where your coming from but giving the baby it's daddy's last name is very important to me,even if he's not around the baby should still have its daddys last name,and know where the baby is from,it takes a lot on the child when
They ask when they get older why don't they have the daddy's last name.

[MamaBear0612]

I would say if a name keeps him from being a father, he's not a good enough man to be father to my child. But I always keep it cordial, I told him it wasn't about trying to cancel him out of the baby's life, that he would always be the father.  That's why I offered the hyphenated name.  I've tried to include him every step of the way, but in the end he's an adult and he's got to decide what kind of man and what kind of father he wants to be.

I have really good reasons for wanting this baby to have my last name. I come from hundreds of years of strong people and strong traditions. My family history is rich and strong, and I study and teach Mexican-American history...and a name will make sure the baby carries all of that with him (or her) too. My first name isn't particularly Latina, but my last name is and it has mattered. And for this child in particular, one who won't really look Mexican like I do, it's very important to me that he or she recognizably has my heritage too.  And I refuse to go through my child's life being questioned or explaining that yes, this is my kid. If the biracial aspect bothered me, I wouldn't have been with the baby's father, but it does create some ethnic quandaries. I think my child's life will be richer with both of his or her heritages, and I refuse to cancel mine out just because he got suddenly traditional on me.

GIving the baby just his name to me just doesn't make sense, and since we're not married to me I have no real reason to give the baby his last name other than it does seem to be important to him. But he's got to recognize it's important to me too, for perfectly valid reasons, and I don't think his feelings are more important than mine in this situation.  Quite honestly, even if we were married, I'd still be arguing for my name being included, for all of the reasons listed above.

[Newmommyagain1012]

My boyfriend and I fought over names first, last, the whole sha'bang. If you want my opinion and lets be honest. If you want the child to have your last name let it only be for the valid reason and points you have made. Not because hes non-supportive of you while your pregnant. Men are so unpredictable, and the last thing u wanna do is deprive this baby of having a father.

Honestly a name could always be change but as women we need to always put our feelings aside and do whats best for children. You seem like you got a good head on your shoulder so keep it netural, fair, and cordial, because if your fighting now theres plenty of fight ahead of you guys
Peace and Blessing
Newmommyagain1012

[advice_needed_]

honestly, I don't think he deserves to have his last name on YOUR child.. u said ur latina, so this saying should come to mind fast "NO ES PADRE EL Q INGENDRA SI NO EL Q CRIA" if hes not willing to put part in it now, what makes u think he'll stick around once  the baby is born.. think about it, right now is just prenatal visits and good care.. wen the baby is here, theres pampers to think about, formula, clothes, dealing with the baby crying at random times at night... is he willing to live all that with u guys? if so, then the baby could possibly have his last name but if he wants to b part of it now. he can say he'll be there wen the babys born.. but actions speak louder than words.. its just ur decision.. los derechos se ganan... he wants the baby to have his last name, make his *** responsible...
just saying...
btw, im preqqo too, 2nd child! due June 10th!

[steph_ut]

Yuck. Yes, stand your ground! I am happily married and my husband suggested our daughter have my last name for the sake of carrying on my dad's last name and although I didn't realize how much of an impact it would have, it has been very special to me (and my dad). He gets called Mr. "my last name" all the time but hey, at least they're mistakenly using the name of his partner, and not someone who might not even be around!

[MamaBear0612]

Thanks for listening...and yeah I think I'm going to stand my ground on this one, it is a big deal to me. I'll hyphenate it if that's what he really wants, but that's about all I can give on this one.

And I'm due on June 18th too, Victorian87, good luck with your baby. :)

[Victorian87]

Hey :) I'm due June 18th. :) sounds close. Just wanted to say I have a 4 year old with a different guy and I wish ask the time that I gave my son my last name. I was even with his dad for years before I got pregnant..it ended up not working out and he now sees our son maybe a few times a month. I always have to explain at appointments and be asked my relationship to him and its annoying and I don't  feel his dad deserves the honor. It'll be sooo much easier for you to add dads last name to the baby in the future rather than remove it.

[kimmery]

It seems really important to you that your baby have your name. I say at the VERY LEAST insist on the hyphenated name. I made the mistake of giving my daughter just her biological's father last name when she was born thinking I could change it later and it took 9 years for me to negotiate it and get the paperwork done! Good luck.