Aa
Need some support..OT...Hurting..Long
For those who don't know my history- My first born was due December 25th 2002. Unfortunately due to complications with a genetic disorder(We didn't know she had) she was delivered November 17th 2002, and sadly, due to my daughter's disorder she passed away shortly after birth. Her name was Bailey Rae.
Now- It will be 8 years November 17th since I lost my little girl. It's been a very long and very rough experience. I still hurt for her everyday. I have been blessed with 3 beautiful little boys, but desperately wanted to share my life with a daughter.
Well, DF and I just found out last Thursday that we're being blessed with a baby girl. And she too is due December 24th 2010. We honestly couldn't have asked for a more precious gift. But at the same time, my heart is breaking. I'm terrified that because my daughter, who we named Kora Rae is due a day before Bailey's actual due date, that this is gods way of punishing me again, a reminder. I'm scared that the coincidences are a sign that I will suffer and go through the pain and heartache all over again. That god is going to take my precious daughter...a daughter I have longed for, for 8 very difficult years. I'm scared to rub my belly and talk to her like I did Bailey, I'm scared to fall in love with her and have it all ripped from my very arms.
And, even though I am so very grateful to be having a little girl, I feel like I am betraying Bailey. I feel like having Kora will take away the invisible bond that I have with my Angel. Bailey is my angel, my precious little girl. I'm scared that the hurt and the pain that reminds me how precious life is, will vanish when Kora is born. Like this is Bailey and gods way of saying it's okay to let go....but I don't want to.
DF, is very supportive with these feelings. We stayed up and cried together until we fell asleep around 6am. He too is scared, because he doesn't want to lose Kora either, and he doesn't want to see me hurt and go through what I have been going through for the past 8 years. He knew from the time we were told that we're having a girl, that a lot of fear would wash over me. I just don't know what to do. I don't...well can't handle another loss. I don't want to lose Kora, but at the same time I don't want to betray Bailey. I feel guilty and selfish for wanting another baby girl. Kora could never replace Bailey's spot in my heart...and I hope Bailey know's that.
The icing on the cake that caused me to have an emotional melt down last night was like "proof" that I don't deserve Kora. DF, dated my now ex best friend, she happened to get pregnant and claim it to be DF's, but we couldn't be 100% sure because she was still sleeping with her live in ex boyfriend. My friend took the morning after pill knowing she ovulated and possibly conceived, and when she started bleeding she assumed it was a miscarriage, and acted devastated, which made no sense to me, if she didn't want to lose the baby, whom she said was a girl and called her Alexis, then why take the Plan B pill, knowing it could cause her to lose the baby? Anyways, her and DF broke up after only a month and a half of dating, she had an emotional break down due to PTSD, but after a while came to me and pretty much told me it would be okay if I and DF wanted to try and have a relationship. But now that I'm pregnant, she tossed me out like a bag of old clothes, and has been trying to get back at me, talking to my ex husband, and putting on her Myspace status..."Some women shouldn't have a uterus, and if they do it needs to be removed", and that to me was verification that I don't deserve baby Kora.
My ex best friend is no saint herself. She has 5 kids from 5 different men, not including the 4-5 abortions she has had. I think because she has already ruined her life, she is trying to ruin mine, and I just don't know how to "get rid" of her. She stalks my myspace, stalks DF's myspace and our FB pages. She is pissed because DF and I love each other so very much, and we have a relationship that she wanted to have with DF, but he quickly flew the coop, when he found out she was sleeping around, hell she was trying to force him and was begging him to move in with her and her 5 kids after only 3 weeks of dating, and being a very smart and cautious man, he wouldn't. She told him to sh!t or get off the pot, and so he broke things off with her, and now she is trying to ruin our lives because she is jealous that DF and I are extremely close.
But is she right? Am I being selfish to want another daughter so very bad after losing Bailey? Should I have just stopped with the 3 boys and thanked the heaven's above for the healthy boys that I have? DF, and I wanted a baby together, we both prayed and wanted a daughter...he has 2 boys from a previous marriage...which makes 5 boys for us. Am I betraying my precious angel by bringing another daughter into my life?
Could this be a sign from Bailey and god that it's okay? Does this baby carry apart of Bailey...given the same Due Date for Kora as Bailey had scares the hell out of me. I'm really hurting inside, and I just have no idea what to think. We never know if our children are going to survive delivery.....and I don't want to lose Kora.
Now- It will be 8 years November 17th since I lost my little girl. It's been a very long and very rough experience. I still hurt for her everyday. I have been blessed with 3 beautiful little boys, but desperately wanted to share my life with a daughter.
Well, DF and I just found out last Thursday that we're being blessed with a baby girl. And she too is due December 24th 2010. We honestly couldn't have asked for a more precious gift. But at the same time, my heart is breaking. I'm terrified that because my daughter, who we named Kora Rae is due a day before Bailey's actual due date, that this is gods way of punishing me again, a reminder. I'm scared that the coincidences are a sign that I will suffer and go through the pain and heartache all over again. That god is going to take my precious daughter...a daughter I have longed for, for 8 very difficult years. I'm scared to rub my belly and talk to her like I did Bailey, I'm scared to fall in love with her and have it all ripped from my very arms.
And, even though I am so very grateful to be having a little girl, I feel like I am betraying Bailey. I feel like having Kora will take away the invisible bond that I have with my Angel. Bailey is my angel, my precious little girl. I'm scared that the hurt and the pain that reminds me how precious life is, will vanish when Kora is born. Like this is Bailey and gods way of saying it's okay to let go....but I don't want to.
DF, is very supportive with these feelings. We stayed up and cried together until we fell asleep around 6am. He too is scared, because he doesn't want to lose Kora either, and he doesn't want to see me hurt and go through what I have been going through for the past 8 years. He knew from the time we were told that we're having a girl, that a lot of fear would wash over me. I just don't know what to do. I don't...well can't handle another loss. I don't want to lose Kora, but at the same time I don't want to betray Bailey. I feel guilty and selfish for wanting another baby girl. Kora could never replace Bailey's spot in my heart...and I hope Bailey know's that.
The icing on the cake that caused me to have an emotional melt down last night was like "proof" that I don't deserve Kora. DF, dated my now ex best friend, she happened to get pregnant and claim it to be DF's, but we couldn't be 100% sure because she was still sleeping with her live in ex boyfriend. My friend took the morning after pill knowing she ovulated and possibly conceived, and when she started bleeding she assumed it was a miscarriage, and acted devastated, which made no sense to me, if she didn't want to lose the baby, whom she said was a girl and called her Alexis, then why take the Plan B pill, knowing it could cause her to lose the baby? Anyways, her and DF broke up after only a month and a half of dating, she had an emotional break down due to PTSD, but after a while came to me and pretty much told me it would be okay if I and DF wanted to try and have a relationship. But now that I'm pregnant, she tossed me out like a bag of old clothes, and has been trying to get back at me, talking to my ex husband, and putting on her Myspace status..."Some women shouldn't have a uterus, and if they do it needs to be removed", and that to me was verification that I don't deserve baby Kora.
My ex best friend is no saint herself. She has 5 kids from 5 different men, not including the 4-5 abortions she has had. I think because she has already ruined her life, she is trying to ruin mine, and I just don't know how to "get rid" of her. She stalks my myspace, stalks DF's myspace and our FB pages. She is pissed because DF and I love each other so very much, and we have a relationship that she wanted to have with DF, but he quickly flew the coop, when he found out she was sleeping around, hell she was trying to force him and was begging him to move in with her and her 5 kids after only 3 weeks of dating, and being a very smart and cautious man, he wouldn't. She told him to sh!t or get off the pot, and so he broke things off with her, and now she is trying to ruin our lives because she is jealous that DF and I are extremely close.
But is she right? Am I being selfish to want another daughter so very bad after losing Bailey? Should I have just stopped with the 3 boys and thanked the heaven's above for the healthy boys that I have? DF, and I wanted a baby together, we both prayed and wanted a daughter...he has 2 boys from a previous marriage...which makes 5 boys for us. Am I betraying my precious angel by bringing another daughter into my life?
Could this be a sign from Bailey and god that it's okay? Does this baby carry apart of Bailey...given the same Due Date for Kora as Bailey had scares the hell out of me. I'm really hurting inside, and I just have no idea what to think. We never know if our children are going to survive delivery.....and I don't want to lose Kora.
I am sorry you are feeling this way and are having such an emotional time at the moment. I think you need to forget about this women and relise she is just jealous of what you have and needs to move on. Don't let her unhappiness about the way she has lived her life affect you and your family.
I think it is great you are able to share your feelings and anxiety about this birth with your partner and that he is aware of your feelings and shares your hurt and fear. Maybe you should talk to your doc and get them to help reasure you that all is ok. Ask all the questions you want regardless of how silly and unrelated you think they may be - anything to help ease your mind. Possibly ask for extra scans etc based on your past experience and current anxiety. Have you been told if the disorder that Bailey had could happen again? Is is something that only effects girls? As it is now 8 years later is there something that can be done that was not available before?
Being pregnant is such an emotional time especially if you have had a negative experience in the past (loss, mc, complications etc) it is such a shame that once you have experienced these the next pregnancy and those after are never the care free experience some other lucky people have. You always have that fear in your mind as you know (from experience) that things can and sometimes do go wrong.
I wish you all the very best and really hope you are able to find a way of riding your life of this women and allowing yourself to embrace this pregnancy and Kora and also remembering and treasuing Bailey.
I think it is great you are able to share your feelings and anxiety about this birth with your partner and that he is aware of your feelings and shares your hurt and fear. Maybe you should talk to your doc and get them to help reasure you that all is ok. Ask all the questions you want regardless of how silly and unrelated you think they may be - anything to help ease your mind. Possibly ask for extra scans etc based on your past experience and current anxiety. Have you been told if the disorder that Bailey had could happen again? Is is something that only effects girls? As it is now 8 years later is there something that can be done that was not available before?
Being pregnant is such an emotional time especially if you have had a negative experience in the past (loss, mc, complications etc) it is such a shame that once you have experienced these the next pregnancy and those after are never the care free experience some other lucky people have. You always have that fear in your mind as you know (from experience) that things can and sometimes do go wrong.
I wish you all the very best and really hope you are able to find a way of riding your life of this women and allowing yourself to embrace this pregnancy and Kora and also remembering and treasuing Bailey.
If you want to talk on a more personal level, just PM me. I compeltely understand your feelings and the guilt and uncertainty. I think you will feel 100 times better once you are holding Kora.
Thank you ladies....Your replies have helped a lot. I haven't interacted with my ex best friend since I told her I was pregnant, when I was about 6 weeks along. She pretty much "disowned" me for being pregnant, but the past few months she has been stalking me online and leaving such hateful things on her statuses. I am done with her. I and DF don't want anything to do with her at all. We tried to be friends after the original upset of me and DF being together, but she would constantly make like hell, wanting to talk to DF and she kept saying he needed to move on because he still loved her, and like DF told me....a month and a half is not nearly enough time to fall in love with someone...it's barely enough time to get to know them.
And as far as this feeling of betrayal goes towards Bailey, I am working very hard to stay positive. I have a ton of support from DF, and with him and the support from you gals, I know I can get through the next 4 months until I get to hold baby Kora.
It just feels like a dream....like i'm going to wake up and not be pregnant at all. I have even wondered or thought that when I do give birth...Kora will have magically grown a penis lol. But I will get through this. And as far as the other woman goes....I deleted my myspace, and "locked" up the privacy on FB...and i'm not going to worry about what she thinks anymore, because all that matters is that i'm happy.
And as far as this feeling of betrayal goes towards Bailey, I am working very hard to stay positive. I have a ton of support from DF, and with him and the support from you gals, I know I can get through the next 4 months until I get to hold baby Kora.
It just feels like a dream....like i'm going to wake up and not be pregnant at all. I have even wondered or thought that when I do give birth...Kora will have magically grown a penis lol. But I will get through this. And as far as the other woman goes....I deleted my myspace, and "locked" up the privacy on FB...and i'm not going to worry about what she thinks anymore, because all that matters is that i'm happy.
This so called "woman" is a piece of sh!t. What she has said and posted on her myspace are merely reflections of how she feels about herself. NOTHING you have said or did caused the death of your little girl. Just becuase God decided to take her then does NOT mean that you do not deserve another daughter. Perhaps he felt that having a daughter with your ex husband would have been problematic, but now that you are with your DF that things will be fine for you to bring a daughter into the world.
I can completely relate with the close due dates. Our first son Joey was still born August 4th, 2001. When I got pregnant last time my due date was August 5th. I was induced on my due date so I have one day of remembering my oldest son who would have turned 9 this year and the next day celebrating my youngest son who just turned 2.
This child you are carrying is totally and completely seperate from Bailey, just as each of your sons are seperate and unique from each other. Bailey has been your gaurdian angel for several years now and has seen and felt your paint and heartache for her, she is now blessing you with another daughter to share that overwhelming love you have with.
This does NOT mean you are betraying her nor that you will forget about her. Your heart will ALWAYS have a special place in your heart that ONLY Bailey can occupy, but you no matter how many children you have or whether they are sons or daughters you will find a new space in your heart specially for them.
Please dont' allow this other woman to bring you down. She has so many demons of her own that she is trying profusely to project them on YOU because YOU have what SHE desperately wants. She realizes that she has severely screwed up her life and now wants to see someone else suffer.
You are a wonderful Mom and have come out on top of many rotten situations. You are going to be just as wonderful with Kora and she couldn't be born to a more fantastic woman. I also want to add that it is in no way selfish to have wanted a daughter so badly after you lost Bailey. In fact it's completely normal and natural. After my first son was stillborn I had such an overwhelming NEED for another child. When I finally got pregnant we desperately wanted it to be a boy, she was a girl. I still felt empty, I loved her with all my heart, but I still felt I had a hole that needed to be filled. 5 months after she was born I got pregnant again and this time it was a boy. Once he was born I felt complete. Not that I was over losing Joey, but things just felt "right" at that point.
Try not to be so hard on yourself, you haven't done anything wrong nor is what you feeling wrong.
I can completely relate with the close due dates. Our first son Joey was still born August 4th, 2001. When I got pregnant last time my due date was August 5th. I was induced on my due date so I have one day of remembering my oldest son who would have turned 9 this year and the next day celebrating my youngest son who just turned 2.
This child you are carrying is totally and completely seperate from Bailey, just as each of your sons are seperate and unique from each other. Bailey has been your gaurdian angel for several years now and has seen and felt your paint and heartache for her, she is now blessing you with another daughter to share that overwhelming love you have with.
This does NOT mean you are betraying her nor that you will forget about her. Your heart will ALWAYS have a special place in your heart that ONLY Bailey can occupy, but you no matter how many children you have or whether they are sons or daughters you will find a new space in your heart specially for them.
Please dont' allow this other woman to bring you down. She has so many demons of her own that she is trying profusely to project them on YOU because YOU have what SHE desperately wants. She realizes that she has severely screwed up her life and now wants to see someone else suffer.
You are a wonderful Mom and have come out on top of many rotten situations. You are going to be just as wonderful with Kora and she couldn't be born to a more fantastic woman. I also want to add that it is in no way selfish to have wanted a daughter so badly after you lost Bailey. In fact it's completely normal and natural. After my first son was stillborn I had such an overwhelming NEED for another child. When I finally got pregnant we desperately wanted it to be a boy, she was a girl. I still felt empty, I loved her with all my heart, but I still felt I had a hole that needed to be filled. 5 months after she was born I got pregnant again and this time it was a boy. Once he was born I felt complete. Not that I was over losing Joey, but things just felt "right" at that point.
Try not to be so hard on yourself, you haven't done anything wrong nor is what you feeling wrong.
In no way is she right to be posting stuff like that. The connection that you and your DF have has nothing to do with her. FORGET HER! I had a friend once like that and I told myself I'm not letting her get in the way of my happiness.
You are not being selfish in wanting a duagheter after losing Bailey. God has blessed you with this Angel in heaven to watch over you and your children. I am sure Bailey is so excited that Kora will be joining your family. Even if you had stopped at the three boys God would have allowed you to get pregnant again....look at it this way...you are pregnant now! So why wouldn't you be pregnant now if you stopped at three boys? You are in no way betraying Bailey by bringing Kora into this world.
Take it as a sign from Bailey and God that it is okay...and she very well can carry a part of Bailey...don't let it scare you allow it to be a blessing. You are going to be fine and just breathe...God will not put anything on your plate that you can not handle...just have faith.
If you need to talk we're here....I hope you have a safe and heatlhy pregnancy here on out...just be strong.
You are not being selfish in wanting a duagheter after losing Bailey. God has blessed you with this Angel in heaven to watch over you and your children. I am sure Bailey is so excited that Kora will be joining your family. Even if you had stopped at the three boys God would have allowed you to get pregnant again....look at it this way...you are pregnant now! So why wouldn't you be pregnant now if you stopped at three boys? You are in no way betraying Bailey by bringing Kora into this world.
Take it as a sign from Bailey and God that it is okay...and she very well can carry a part of Bailey...don't let it scare you allow it to be a blessing. You are going to be fine and just breathe...God will not put anything on your plate that you can not handle...just have faith.
If you need to talk we're here....I hope you have a safe and heatlhy pregnancy here on out...just be strong.
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