I Dnt want ppl to feel sorry for me but just someone to say they have been in this situation? I've had 5 miscarriage and just had a ectopic preg just had surgery Wednesday. I can't breath from the shock, I feel totally lost and my heart feels numb. I want to scream, then I want to sleep. I can't understand why this happened to me.
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Because this thread is veering off course, this thread is closed to new posts. The original poster stated that she is grieving a miscarriage and these are things she finds hurtful. She explained that she knows people have good intentions but don't always know what to say. It is not helpful to argue with her by reiterating this point.
Ar cjappert - I think its your tone the comes off rude and sarcastic especially in your comment "ill just say im sorry, since thats the only thing you want to hear." Why are you debating with someone over how they feel? Shes clearly putting examples of comments that bothered her so others can be more sensitive in the future. If thats how she feels, then let it be. Its difficult enough to deal with tragedy without gaving people judge how you feel. If you disagree.then keep it yourself because your comments are not helpful to this particular poster. Again you may not understand wht she finds your comments mean but thats ok, thats how she feels. let it go.
Amn702..I'm so sorry for your loss hun...and I'm sorry you were takin wrong by some responding to your post..it came across to me as more of a vent , not that you were asking for advice. Everyone grieves in diff ways and we need to respect each other and their feelings.
Hehe amn hun I almost sh*t my pants when I read the last post. I know you wouldn't wish that on anyone but wow, you caught me off guard.
I'm not sure if I want to get in the middle of this. I haven't lost a baby, and I'm sincerely sorry for those of you who have, I can't imagine the pain you must have gone through. But I did lose my brother, best friend, raised like a twin to me, which was a catastrophic loss for, the type of loss you never really recover from...and I always hated when people told me "I'm sorry." I used to wonder, sorry for what? sarcastically. Like sorry could ever bring him back or make anything better. Makes me wonder if there really is anything anybody could say that's the right thing to say when somebody experiences a loss. 15 years later, I recognize that all those people were just trying to help, and that my reaction was born of pain...I wanted him back, I didn't want all those people's help or sympathy, I just wanted my big brother. People are still awkward when they find out what happened to him, and I understand it's just one of those things that's never easy for anyone, but people do the best they can.
I would never wish a miscarriage on anyone, that was just a typo.
THAT SHOULD READ DOES NOT EXPERIENCE A MISCARRIAGE.
I DID NOT MEAN TO TYPE I HOPE YOU EXPERIENCE ONE. IT SHOULD READ I HOPE YOU *DON'T* EXPERIENCE A MISCARRIAGE.
This is the opposite reason of why I came to this site to begin with. I hope that you or anyone you know/love experiences a miscarriage. I especially hope that if you or anyone you know DOES experience a miscarriage, that they are given more support, encouragement, respect, and just plain kindness than what some have shown here. I am officially finished with this thread and I'm sorry I ever counted on anyone for support.
Thank you to all the ladies who have been very supportive.
what exactly want nice out of the things I said?
again, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
Thank you to those who are standing up for the wounded and hurting. It shouldn't be hurtful to tell someone they don't know exactly how you feel. It doesn't matter if you fill a room with 100 people who have lost a baby, no one knows exactly how anyone feels but themselves. No two people are the same and no two people experience pain the same way. It is nice to say you are sorry for what happened. To the lady that had a late miscarriage, I am so sorry for all of your losses, that is so sad and I hate that you've had to deal with those losses. But still, to you the later loss may have been more painful, but everyone is different and whether your loss occurs at 4 weeks or 40 weeks, it is still an awful thing and affects everyone differently. I'm so sorry for you and everyone else that has had to experience the pain of losing a baby at any stage. And also...I don't appreciate being told I'm "taking everything negatively" when I posted this trying to help myself and others who have lost babies and also to help others know that although they mean well, their words may be hurtful. I got back on here bc I was reconsidering taking a break from here... and I decided I'm not going to let a few people determine what I do. So rather than leave the site, I will remove myself from those who affect me negatively. So as I was always told growing up, if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all. I came here for support, not negativity. Thanks again to all the ladies who ARE supportive and sensitive.
Amen! no one knows what I'm going thru. Even if you lost a baby too, your lose is different than mine. My second miscarriage was actually a blighted ovum and I was told "well at least it wasn't a real baby" :( but it was to me!!! My personal choice for a miscarriage is "leave me the hell alone. I'm not talking about it with you" a bit harsh I know, but its extremely personal. Hold me while I cry, lay around and watch tv with me, do grocery store runs for me but don't try to rationalize what has happened.
I made a note very similar to this on Facebook for my friends and family after my miscarriage last year. I got a lot of the "you're young" and"it just wasn't the right time." I also got the "at least you have one healthy baby." I don't think people mean any harm, but it's definitely heartbreaking. We want those babies. To us, they're already ours. We need time to grieve and we need support. I was lucky enough to have a fantastic husband who, although he hadn't experienced the near death physical experience (seriously, I lost so much blood I had a transfusion) he knew what I was going through emotionally. We both got tattoos for our angel. Passing the due date was hard, but we're expecting again and hopeful. But we'll never stop thinking about our lost baby.
After my second miscarriage, I found this saying that I still share with anyone who gives me grief about being sad about a miscarriage "what the heart has known and felt, it can never lose"...sending you lots of luck and super sticky baby dust!
I think it's a little hurtful when you say that we dont know how you feel....
I have posted "I know how you feel" to make people feel better and I never thought I was offending anybody till now....
It's hard to share our experience with other people cuz it's like we are reliving the whole thing all over again.....
But we do it cuz we want you and everyone to know how our experience and pain was similar to yours
And maybe just maybe by us sharing our experience with you would make you or some one else feel better
I know their a lot of mixed feeling
Confusion, anger and disappointment etc.
After a mc
But we have all over come this in some way or another
So we are hoping to help you or anyone who has recently suffered a mc
She's not saying she doesn't want sympathy for the loss of her child she is saying hurtful comments like the ones she posted hurts her feelings. And a simple I am sorry, is better then any of that. As she sais she came here for support not judgement. She lost her baby , shouldnt we all be saying nice and not posting harsh comments. This is a hard time in her life.
Amn702- I am truely sorry for your loss it is a very hard and sad time, and no matter how long goes by there is still that whole in your heart where someone is missing :( I had a stillborn baby boy and I got a lot of those comments, mum was in Bali when it happened and got back and I got everything, maybe he wasn't healthy, maybe it wasn't his time, maybe you wernt ready and you should be focussing on Connor (my other son) . My sister even had a fight with me 3 days after it because I was crying and sitting on the couch not feeling up to doing anything, she said you can't cry over it forever things happen your neglecting your son and she wouldn't even call him by his name . It had been 3 days and my son was fed , looked after just I wasn't happily running around playing with him. Iv had a lot of harsh comments from a lot of people, in saying that I had a lot of good support too. Iv learnt to realize people just don't understand because they simply wernt attatched to the baby.
we're just trying to explain to you that people mean well.maybe they don't say the right thing but its hard for them as well.its a situation that purple don't go through a lot so the words are hard to find.maybe its a good idea that you take time off this site until you're ready to hear peoples advice instead of taking everything so negatively.
If you don't want sympathy, than why tell anyone that you had a miscarriage? I've had two miscarriages one in my first trimester and one in my second trimester and I can say for a fact that it is way harder to deal with the farther along you are, because you are least expectant for your child to die.
well thanks to the people who are actually understanding, I really appreciate your ideas and encouragement as well as your true sympathy during the most difficult time in my life. I am so sorry for those of you who have also lost a baby or babies. I pray for your healing!
...as for the rest of you, I came here for support, not criticism. A simple "I am sorry" goes a long way and that has been the most comforting thing I have heard when telling people I had miscarried. It is hurtful to hear comments like, at least you weren't that far along... It is not that I don't want people to say ANYTHING, I just want people to think before they speak and as I said before a simple "I'm sorry" means more than any other comment. It is also very hurtful to hear, "if you don't want anyone to say something then don't post your business"... that was really a rude thing to say. This website is supposed to be where we can all come for support and encouragement, not to be reprimanded for the way we grieve and deal with our baby dying. I can see that this obviously isn't where I need to come for understanding and support from now on.
Again, thank you to the ladies who have been kind to me on this site. I may revisit this site at a later time, but I am going to go off for a while, because it makes dealing with the loss even worse when people are insensitive, especially on a site where I thought I could receive positive support and encouragement. Thanks.
My friend has a miscarriage the other night and I had no idea what to say to her. I knew she was so upset, and it broke my heart when she told me, but I honestly had no idea what to tell her to comfort her because I did not want to offend her. Thankfully I didn't say any of the things that you mentioned. I'm currently pregnant and she kept telling me to cherish my little one and I started crying because I was so heartbroken that she was having to go through this and I know it is going to make her even sadder when my baby shower comes up. Does anyone know what I should say or do if she gets upsets when I see her next?
Yeah...sounds like you dont want anyone to say anything...most of those were people trying to console you...lots of us on here are having a very difficult time i know im dealing with way more than i want to right now ...if you dont want to hear comments...good bad or indifferent...then i wouldnt post your business...just because a comment doesnt comfort you doesnt mean it wont help the next poster that may need to hear those things to feel better...maybe your post should have read...things not to say to YOU after a miscarriage...
so what would you like people to tell you? I had a stillbirth and was told many of these things.they tried to make me feel better, and I appreciate that.they didn't know how I felt,and I didn't expect them to, but at least they tried.
I had a miscarriage to and it was early in my pregnancy at 6 weeks......
I did tell my mom I though I was pregnant she wasn't really happy I don't know why......
I'm married and have two kids same men
His responsible treats me good
Anyways I didn't tell any body other than my husband that I had a misscarage because I didn't want no body telling me how sorry they were
I even feel a little resentment against my mom
I feel like she gave me bad luck....
She was at the hospital when she said this .... She said something else I would never forget......
There's one thing I got to say if your gonna post .....
"I had a miscarriage" on this site it because you want people to tell you how sorry they are or share their story with you...
Your right...
I don't know how you feel and I never will.....
But I do know how awful I felt when I lost my baby
I was really sad & depress
Couldn't stop crying ...wondering what I did wrong ....I felt like this
for more than one month because this was the first time I really really wanted to get pregnant
I would of had my baby in January 2012
I'm really happy now
I'm 27 weeks today
Due june 2012
Best wishes
Take care
Xxxxx