Unsure if I want kids due to past issues

[justunsure]

I'm new here and thought this would be a good place to ask. I'm in my mid to upper 20s now and have been married for a few years. I love my husband to death and he is the sweetest man ever. Here's the story and I hope someone here can give me advice. My husband wants kids, hopefully a girl first and maybe a boy later on if we're lucky. I just am unsure now if I want kids at all. I mean I can fantasize about the future and see us having a sweet kid or two, but realistically I just don't know. When I was a child my parents never talked to me ever about the birds and the bees or anything at all like that. I learned anything about those things from school. When I was really young and didn't know what it all was, a few kids in the neighbor hood experimented, like touching & rubbing kissing kinda thing. I still to this day am disgusted with myself for that, though i didn't really know what I was doing and that it was wrong. And I think I still hold some blame on my parents since they never talked to me about bad touching and things.
To add to all this a few yrs ago we found out that a friend of the family's daughter had been molested for a few yrs by her older brother. This just sickens me and my husband. He was so upset and we both didnt agree how the situation was handled, as now the two kids and other brothers and sisters hang out and kind of act like nothing happened. Eventually we basically stopped interacting with this family because it brought back so many bad memories for me and i couldn't stand how they handled it and it seemed they favored the boy that did the bad things and my husband said he was just lose it if he ever so that boy again. We used to watch the girl and she spent a lot of time with us when she was a little younger, she was like our child kind of.
With these things happening in my life I am just worried I guess that similar things could happen to my future children and that terrifies me. Also, I knew when I married my husband that he wanted kid and he really loves kids, he gets along with kids so well and i think would rather spend time with them than with adults, partly because he has ADHD and I guess relates better to little kids since he's big into computer games. What bothers me mostly in all this is a comment a close family member made to me during the early stages of our relationship is that they thought it was very odd and unusual that my husband liked having the previously mentioned girl and boy over so much and it was odd that he liked kids so much, more than I did, since they thought I should be the one spending time with kids and not him since I was female.
This really bothered me and still does all the time. Why is it that people sometimes automatically thing wrong things about a guy because he likes kids and like spending time with kids. It's not like he seeks out little kids, if they are kids of one of our friends he is the one that gets down to play with them or if its a baby he goes gaga like a women would lol. In my heart, I do not think he'd ever do anything to hurt a child in any way, especially the way my family member was insinuating. I never spoke to him about this because I know it would crush him that I could ever think like that. But I know I have mental issues from my past, as I also had an ex that verbally and emotionally abused me, and I know rationally the thoughts about my husband hurting my future children and all in my head but I cant shake it. Sometimes when I'm having a good day, I think about it and realize that it is just sillly to think like that and why did I let one person's comment about him liking kids get to me so much. Then there are days when I'm depressed, and yes I do take medicine and it helps, that my mind just finds all kinds of things to worry about. And yep, I'm a constant worryer too. I just would like some advice, i've been to a therapist and it did not help, it seems she blamed my issues on my dad since he favored my brother and didnt show much affection as a child.  I just don't know what to do and this is just eating me up. I feel sick to think bad things about my husband and know he's a great person and i can't understand why I cant shake these feelings. I just hate that i had those bad sexual things happen to me and the kid we babysat, it just eats at me that what if when thinking about my future kids.

[rebekah385]

I am so glad you were able to talk with your husband about everything, I truely feel being honest and open with your partner will actually make your relationship stronger, when you keep things back he may not know why, but it strains the relationship! I am glad he is being supportive! I know that sometimes it is hard being married to someone with ADHD, but love means working together and facing things together instead of as individuals that are just living together. kepp us updated and good luck!

[martikadragoon]

2-12*

[martikadragoon]

by the way, we have experienced stuff in our family, my two younger brothers were molested by an (then) teenaged male friend when they were 3 and 5, and my stepsister was raped by her older brother for 10 yrs from the age of 2-10. her  mom didn't believe her when she told finally at the age of 12 and still says she's a liar.

after my brothers went through what they did, my mom talked with all of us, about how to tell an adult we trust if someone touched us in an area our bathing suits covered or if we felt uncomfortable at all.

I am very glad you spoke to your husband, and that you were able to tell him about how your feeling and that he accepted it. having the lines of communication open is what helps a relationship stay strong.

[AngellaHas2]

Let me start by telling you that I had a simular thing happen to me. I was about 7, and a family friend used me as his toy I guess you could see. I never thought about it until I seen him when I was much older. And all of the memorys came back. It was very hard to deal with. I felt like my youth was taken away. And its so nasty even talking about it. I feel bad for any person who has or have gone threw this. Years ago, I learned that this kid died froma drug overdose. And my mother could never understand why I didnt care. And when I finally told her what happend, she understood. I have gone to counseling and tryed to deal with it. I will never forget about it, but I have learned not to let it affect my life.

I now have two girls. And I am so scared they will go threw this also. I have learned to be open with my older daughter, and explain the right from the wrong. She knows never to let anyone touch her. I hate having to explain this to a 10 year old. But this is the only way to protect her.

Please dont allow what happend to you to mess your future up. God has a plan for everyone. And remember carma is a B**ch. Just don't make the same mistakes you parents made. I am sure you will be a wonderful mother.

I hope to see you on here more.. good luck.

[justunsure]

I wanted to update everyone. I feel so much better. I was very scared but I spoke to my husband about the issues I've mentioned. It was hard, but he didnt get mad or get defensive or anything. He just said he understood how what happened to our friends kid made it all worse and he just held me. He looked like he was going to cry almost, he told me of course he'd never ever hurt any child like that and he said he hopes that I could trust him and he wasn't anything like my sick twisted ex.  I told him I dont know how he puts up with me and my mental issues and he said because he loves me and I thinks I've the best wife ever and he's so lucky to have me. I just started crying. I feel so much at peace after talking with him. I wish I'd have done it years ago but I was afraid of his reaction. He's been thru so many of my mental insecure issues and I thought in some corner of my mind that this may be the last straw. He is such a great man, he doesn't deserve what I've put him through.
I thank god that he's with me forever, for better or worse and how supportive he was. He also mentioned that maybe counseling would be best if I'm still having paranoid feelings.

[justunsure]

Thank you for all your input. I think this paranoia that I have struck me the most is when our friends child was molested by her brother, that is what really started to make me feel paranoid. Before we found out what had happened, a few years before, the mother asked her daughter if my husband had ever touched her inappropriately and we found out that she asked this girl this. Apparently the girl had started her period and the mother though the girl was too young to start that and though she didn't think he would hurt her she had to ask due to her own paranoia. The girl of course said No, he didnt and would never ever do something like that. We found out later on from the mother that she herself was molested and was paranoid about every male that was involved in her daughters life and that she did not mean to hurt our feelings and she did not think he ever did or ever would in any way, but she just felt she has to ask and that we would understand when we were parents.

We were so upset and appalled that she would ask that and me with my past was just making up worries in my own head like I always do. Kind of like when I kept obsessing over if my now husband would ever leave me due to what happened with my ex.
This just freaks me out to this day. In my mind if you ask your kid if someone touched you inappropriately then aren't you thinking that it could have happened? According to this mother, no, and she is just paranoid of anything happening to her children. Sadly, it did happen to her child, but from the unlikely source of the girls own brother.

Sometimes I think I need counseling for just what happened to the girl. We were so close and she felt like a child of mine. It felt like my own kid was hurt and I was becoming the crazy paranoid parent that is suspicious of everyone.

[martikadragoon]

I too think counselling would be benefitial. my husband was one of those great with young children, they were drawn to him and he was always being asked to hang out with the little 7-8-9 year olds in our area. He was about 17-18 at this time but it was because the kids liked the card games "yugioh" and stuff like that and he played. lol

having children doesn't always mean they'll be molested, or hurt by other older family members or people. parents have to teach their children about that stuff, and be vigilent.
I have 2 boys, TJ has down syndrome and he's a smart little man, and 5 mo old mason. we want 1-2 more and we want a girl (wanted a girl first but it didn;t happen)

[spade22]

I also think counseling would be beneficial.  Sometimes it takes awhile to find the "right" counselor so I wouldnt give up on this just yet.  Also, its possible you may need some adjustments to your medications - that might help you.

The comments about your husband were rude and inappropriate. I would definitely confront the family member about this.

In terms of your worries about similar things happening to your kids if you have children.  Its not possible to protect our kids against everything or wrap them in cotton wool.  However, knowledge is power and by simply educating your children this will help protect them.  Also, studies have shown that many parents who have grown up in abusive situations are very protective toward their own children to make sure the cycle is broken.

[LosingMyMindInGA]

I didn't read the others replies so i apologize if i repeate something someone else said.  I think it would be extremely wise for you to get yourself into some counseling for the the things you have talked about.  Counseling can help you overcome your fears and come to terms with your past and in the process help you decide if you really want kids.

As for the "expirementing"  that is a completely natural and common occurance among adoloscents and young children.  So long as you were all around the same age and no one was forced there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.  

As for the comments made about your husband liking children... some guys just really have a nack for kids and it doesn't make them weird or pedophiles and like you said, it could be becuase he relates better to them becuase of his adhd.


I honestly think counseling would be the best and most appropriate start to making an informed and wise decision as to whether or not to start a family.  Your husband should be included in some of the sessions as well since this is a decision between the both of you.  Good luck!  

[rebekah385]

Does your husband know about the things that bothered you in your childhood? I think that hte only way to truely be fair both to yourself and your husband is to sit down with him and have a very honest straight forward talk about everything, I know that you said you don't want to hurt your husband, but keeping something that effects you so much from him will end up hurting your relationship even if you don't tell, explain that you don't feel like he would, but there are unresolved feeling there from your childhood. maybe you should both see a therapist together about this issue, find someone different not all of them are the same if one doesn't work out change to someone else until it fits with you and your situation. as far as the comment that someone made to you it is perfectly fine for a man to like children, just because he is not a women does not mean he can't like children even if they aren't his, in this day and age there are stay at home dads that perfer to stay home with their kid' sand the wife works, i wokr in child care and we have male teacher who love working with children, just because a man like kid's does nt mean he has any perverted thoughts about them. my husband has ADHD also and at times seems more like a big child (and we are currently pregnant with our 4th child) at times it is irritating, but other times it is great because they can really connect to each other. said to say my husbands father was a child molester, he raped my husbands sisters (2 step and 1 biological) my husband was younger than his sisters and was not molested, but he was 8 when it all came out, so he know about it, when we first had our children he was afraid to change their diapers because he was so worried that he might have some tendancies like his dad,  eventally he realized that he is not anything like his dad and has since been a great dad, but he always has that knowledge of what his dad did. as far as having children that is something that only you and your husband can decide and you should decide it together, with complete honesty about your worries! Good luck and feel free to message me if you want to talk!

[mjsk2z]

I beleive the reason why you are so worried is because these are issues that are unresolved in your life. My even things that haven't been forgiven. I think for right now it's best that you do not have children, until you have placed your hurt and fears before God. In the end, he is the one that gives life. Nothing happens in your life that is more than you can bare. Even the bad things that you don't ask for. Yes some of the issues will lie with your father, and trust whether you believe it of not; it will affect you relationship with your husband. You. need healing from within.

[30something13]

First of all you said that kids including you experimented. IF they were the same age as you and they did not force themselfs on you then it was not molestation. I am assuming that they were way older then you for you to think you had been molested. As for your problems you are having I would not think that that alone would make you like this. I am a victim of incest from age 1-5 and I blocked it out till I had my first boyfriend then remembered it all. I have delt with it in counseling. Anyway what I am gettin at is that you need counseling and I know that you said it did not work but it takes time to find one you click with and that can help you! We actually seek out parteners that are like our abusers. I learned this after the fact and got a divroce and am now in a healthy lvong relationship. For you to think any such thoughts of your DH is not good at all!!!!! IT is also not good for you to think about not having kids and about abuse like that. You have to learn to seperate healthy sex with bad touching sounds like. The best way for you to also help your kids not get molested in the future if you choose tohav ethem is talk about bad touching and that it is not good and to tell and teach them about sex that is age appropriate throughout their childhood. I have three children both boys and girls and they have learned at school but also by me and I feel confident they know what they need to know. Every parent worries about things and this is a cruel world but you just have to be involved with your child and their friends and not think about things like that. I hope you can find help for this and I am sorry that youahve gone through so much. Oh and my mom never told me about sex either and that did not cause problems for me and I really think it is underlying things with you. Sorry if that upsets you and I really do nnot know you but that is my thoughts on what you have said.