Just need to discuss.

[yeahhbuddy93]

I have had this urge to be a parent for a while now and it just keeps getting stronger and stronger. I see my friends with children and I think about my life and everything I want in it and I just want that branch of my life now. I want marriage and my boyfriend wants to experience more in his life before we go there. I know what I have been through in my life and I know, have had time to think and live, and I know that I am ready and that I want it. I wonder soemtimes why I want marriage and children so badly. Maybe it is my past? Maybe it is how I was raised? What are some of your experiences and feelings towards all of this. Open to discussion.

[coffeebuzzedliz]

I had my first child one month before my 30th birthday!! There is nothing wrong with that and as far as "It's not natural for women to wait until they're thirty to have their first child" to that I say phoeey only cause other words dont fly on here. When our life expectancy was 35-40, then yes, it was not ideal to have children late in life, but welcome to the 20th century!! Women are having children later and living to raise them!! My niece is being raised by my stepmother because my sister was killed and she is 60, and doing a FANTASTIC job. Age is what you make of it. Our biological and womanly intrincts make us want to have children, doesnt mean you have to listen, seeing a baby just makes you want to have one, again doesnt mean you need to at that moment. We are in a day and age where money is tough and minimum wage just doesnt cut it (depending on where you live and your lifestyle). Taking government assistance has NEVER even crossed my mind because I set my life up for myself before having a family.
I had the conversation with you a couple weeks ago, about your boyfriend. OF COURSE he isnt ready he is young, he wants to party and have a good time, not sit at home changing diapers and watching Dora. In 5-10 years he will probably be ready, but rushing it wont solve anything. If you have to have a child now then find someone else who wants one now as well. Until then continue to develop your relationship with your boyfriend and work on your career and such until having a baby.

[Clysta]

Actually it's very natural to have children in your 30's. This is why women will menstruate well into their mid to late 40's and 50's. You seem very determined to have children now, and while this is common (especially in young girls, mainly due to ignorant TV programs and the glamor, as well as the rise in teenage pregnancy) it often is best to wait. What you say is actually very common to see young girls say. They're done with partying, they've grown up, they want to settle down, they're mature......the list goes on and on and on.

Just living a difficult or hard life doesn't really mean you're ready for children. I grew up at a highly young age due to a sexually and physically abusive dad. I matured young and have a firm grasp of the world and how it works. At the end of the day this means little to nothing. The world is a hard, difficult place. We're in a recession and money is tight, jobs are hard to come by and things are rising in price. Children are not cheap, and many think it can be done. I've watched hundreds of teenage girls write it out and think it can happen, but fact is that most will go onto some form of government support within the first 2 years, and they'll be a single parent in 1. To be a parent and be a proper one means knowing what can realistically be done, not what you think you can do.
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If you really think you're ready, you have to think about a lot of things. Do you work? Do you own your own home? Or pay your own rent? What about your bills---gas, electricity, cable/internet, car insurance, house insurance. Then you have to consider food, baby food, diapers, clothes, baby furniture, and all the fun things that pop up randomly. I spend at least 300 a month on my daughter alone and she's 10 months old. (But we also have no government assistance) You should at all times have over 1,000 in savings and often even this isn't enough. If you're really sure you're ready and can cover all this alone (your income should be about 2700 a month) and your partner isn't, it might be time to start looking for someone who matches your ideals.

[AnnieBrooke]

:)

I once said that to a neighbor who was over thirty when she had her first child.  She was very polite about it.

You don't have to have a first child at 19 or 20 just to avoid having a first child at past-30.  

You sound like nobody will be able to deter you from this dream, I hope your boyfriend sticks.

[yeahhbuddy93]

I didn't take the emotional thing personally. It's just something I wanted to make clearer. I know it's a biological need and I'm a firm believer in being as close to natural as possible. It's not natural for women to wait until they're thirty to have their first child.

[AnnieBrooke]

I did not mean to imply you had emotional issues.  I don't know what you have gone through, but I do see in your other posts that you are 18.  We just have further to go, when we're 18, even if we have perfect upbringings.  That's all I was trying to say.  The intense desire to have a baby when you're this age is often from biology alone, not from rational thinking.

[yeahhbuddy93]

Firstly, I'd like to explain myself quickly for saying that I have lived. People tell me I haven't lived simply because of my age, but they don't know what I have done with my life and have seen. I'm not going into detail about everything that I've done because it's not necessary for anybody else to understand but myself.
My boyfriend does want children and does want to get married but he wants to give himself time, and I repsect that. I'm not asking him to give up his youth or anything, I'm asking to contemplate taking that next step into his future. I've already had my partying time and I don't need to prove anything more to myself about my youth. He, however, has not, and I know this.

This is why it is bothering me that I am somewhat hung up on wanting it and waiting. And as far as putting past problems on the next generation... that may have been slightly uncalled for. I'm not saying I have past issues or emotional problems that are the crutch to my life and I'm going to pass them on, I only consider the psychological premises for my wanting this.

[AnnieBrooke]

Well, how old *are* you?  It's pertinent to the question.  If you're 32, I'd advise you to dump the boyfriend and find someone who is ready to be a family man.  If you're 18, give it (and him) time.  (I know it might sound odd to ask if someone who has said "I know what I have been through in my life and I know, have had time to think and live, and I know that I am ready and that I want it," is a teenager, but usually the people who post statements like that on this site are under 20.)

If you really cannot stand it and are not a teenager, you could reconsider the boyfriend, and try to find someone ready for marriage.  But it kind of also sounds like your plan is that this particular boyfriend that you have now, will want to marry you, be pleased to be a dad right away, and pay for everything while you stay home and be a mommy.  That is a lot to ask of any man, and especially if he is young.

Please don't confuse having a child with solving emotional needs of your own caused by your past and how you were raised.  If there are questions in your mind about things from your past or how you were raised, you are SO much better off working on those with a counselor until they are no longer driving you, well before having kids.  You would not then pass stresses from unmet childhood needs or just issues, on to the next generation.

Almost all people probably would like to have kids at some point, but timing is everything, in terms of how stressful or calm life is, in the family that results.  If you love the man and especially those kids to come, get your own stuff totally together (school or training, job, self-identity, experience, some money put aside, insurance in place, everything).  Don't fall into yearning for kids just because you don't have anything else big to do that seems reachable.  A parent has to be responsible, and trying to fill a hole in your heart by throwing children into it, is asking to do everything the hard way and it isn't best for anyone.

Good luck.