Company right after delivery..

[LauraB78]

Hi ladies..

I am having yet another meltdown..

I will make this as ahort as I can...

My Mom is partially disabled. She lives in FL and I live in MA.. Last week she fell and broke her foot and is in a "boot" of some sort. She told me she wants to come early January and stay until end of January/beginning of February to be here when Jaxson arrives. I told her that was too long of a visit (and she cant help on crutches.), and I wasn't sure I wanted immediate company and we left it at  that.I told her Ken and I had talked a lot about it and he told his family we will call when we are up to company and that we wanted some time to adjust as a new family alone..

I just found out last night she has booked airfare arriving in MA January 7.. I am sooo friggen p!ssed. This is my first child ( I am 30 years old) and I told her I wasn't sure I wanted anyone around and that we were considering have no company for at least a week.. She has booked this as a "surprise" but my niece told me b.c she knew I would be upset. My Mom has been unemployed/disabled for over a year so I know she saved and scrimped to make this trip even possible but I dont want her around for a friggen month! And I didnt want her (or anyone) else around for a week or two..

Ken is also upset b.c he doesnt deal well w. company anyway and thinks it is rude that my Mother is meddlesome. I dont know what to do.. I am freaking out and totally emotional. I tried to be nice about it b/c I obviously love my Mother very much and didn;t want to hurt her feelings, but she is SUPER controlling, and I dont know how to un-do this.. She cant change her flight b.c she cant afford too and I really feel strongly about having some space and just having Ken and I there for the birth, etc.. I am beside myself upset right now..

Any advice?

[GRose]

I know you are upset but this is her daughters FIRST baby, she is excited to see her grandchild. You may not feel this way now but you may actually like having her there, she will be able to sit with the baby while you rest. I know she is disabled but she doesn't need to move around much since newborns just lay there. Plus, while your hubby is at work she will be there to keep you sane, she will have lots of good advice for you if your baby wont stop crying and you just cant take it anymore.
When I had Noah my mom was in the delivery room and she was at my house almost everyday after his birth, I wish she could have been there more if that is even possible. Joe was pretty good with helping but it was still nice to have my mommy, it was very comforting.

[LauraB78]

Thanks for your input! Your Mom sounds helpful though and mine is NOT!

And Ken is semi-retired and self employed so we are both able to be there 24-7. And it isnt that I dont want her there AT ALL, I had just specifically told her not right away. And there is NO WAY in H*ELL she will be in the delivery room.. I know many people like that, but I am not one of them. I am a very private person..

And you are right.. It is MY first baby.. Shouldnt I have a say in my experience without family pushing in to do what THEY want and what makes THEM happy?! Shouldnt this be about me, Ken, and OUR child? Sorry, don't mean to be b!tchy, but I am sooo p!ssed.


Thanks though.. =)

I do appreciate your input even if it doesnt seem that way! Promise.. I am just upset.

[Mumita]

Hey dude, all I know  is that when my baby is born I want all the help anyone can give.  If its to hold the baby while I take a shower, or watch the baby while I take a nap, change a diaper here and there or cook a meal, I'll take anything.  When a baby is born is when most of the women in the family come and help out.  You will need it and it is her right as a mother to take care of her daughter and grandchild when she gives birth, its a right of passage.
Also, you and K. will want to kill each other that week, so its good to have someone around to make it easier for a bit.  If your mom is wearing a boot that means that she can wobble around on her feet and she will be helping out.
Just relax, you are lucky to have her come and offer whatever help she can give.

[GRose]

Mumita put it a little better than me, I was being distracted by a silly 2 year old so I couldn't get all my thoughts out how I wanted them.

[LauraB78]

Uggh,

You guys are making me feel bad..

I guess you would have to KNOW my Mother to understand how unhelpful she is. Ken & I have tons of plans for when Jaxson arrives and my Mom is the type to do what she pleases even if I tell her it isnt necessarily the way we want it done.. And a month is too long.. I dont care what ANYONE says.. That is WAY too long... I told her she should plan on a week to 10 days a week or so after the baby is due and she went behind my back and booked a flight a week BEFORE the baby is due as a "surprise?"

This is the biggest event in my life and Ken's and I think we should have it the way we want.. Ken's family was all very understanding and not at all pushy. Told us to call when we were up to it.. Neither of our families lives in the same state, so it is a travel burden on everyone.. I am so annoyed.

I think its rude,.,

[GRose]

Is there any family she can stay with part of the time that lives nearby?

[LauraB78]

Not really, and that is the other part of the problem.. I cannot drive for two weeks post delivery, she cant drive (boot) and she is just annoying..  I love my Mother dearly, but we are opposites.. That is the best way I can describe our relationship.. Its an annoyance.

She came for a 10 day visit 2 months ago and we were ready to kill each other after day 2.. Ugh

[Mumita]

Well some airlines if you cancel a flight, they will allow you to re-use the ticket at another time as long as you book it to the same city.  Which airline is she traveling with?  You can call the airline and find out, she wont loose her money she'd just come later.
Also, if she doesn't help out, make her help out. give her the baby when she's sitting on the couch eating bom boms and tell her that you are taking a nap.  Stuff like that.  How many plans could you possibly have with a newborn in the first few days?  She doesn't need to be in the delivery room, I'm not allowing anyone but my husband there.
But I know my mom and my MIL and they'll be thre cooking and cleaning mainly and changing a few diapers.  It'll be sad for me and my husband when they leave because then we'll really have to take on the full baby duty.

[LauraB78]

We are trying a feeding/napping/sleeping schedule from day 1.

[Mumita]

I have a friend that is just like that.  But when she gave birth her parents were there and she was almost begging them not to leave in the end because they helped her out more than she thought they would.  Also she thought that it would be easy to put the baby on schedule, that the baby would adjust, NOPE, she and her husband just had to adjust to the baby's agenda.

[LauraB78]

I know.. Most people dont follow the schedule from day 1 b.c it is too challenging.. Thats why Ken & I just want Ken & I around.. Its going to be exhausting but it is very important to us.. I am NOT doing demand feedinsg and middle of the night feedings for months on end.. I just wont.. I am excited to add Jaxson to my life, not have my life revolve around him.. Ok, I think I wont say anything else.. Clearly everyone else loves their Mom around 24-7 and wants her there.. I just dont and am getting frustrated..

I DO sincerely thank you all for your input! Thx! XO

[Mumita]

I understand what you are saying, but there really isn't much you can do about it right now right?  And she's going to have to understand that you have things that you want to do in a certain way.  Just try to get her to change the dates.   Not to cancel, just to change the dates.

[LauraB78]

Thanks.. I just emailed her and nicely asked if she had "surprise" booked a flight and that she needed to tell me asap b/c it wasnt part of the plan, etc. etc.. Maybe I can get her to AT LEAST change the dates and make it a little shorter of a trip.

[Grandmatobe]

I totally get what you are saying Laura - really.  I have one of those Mother's too and I can only tolerate a day at a time before I go nuts, so I understand where you are coming from.  Fortunately for me, when my kids were born, my Mom was too "busy" to "help" anyway, so I didn't have to deal with her overbearing personality.

If I could give you some insight as a grandma myself, it might put a few things in perspective.  When my daughter had her child earlier this year, I listened to her and my SIL talk about how they didn't want visitors right away and wanted to bond with the baby before people started coming over, etc.  Well, they all live with my hubby and I, so I figured I could help keep people away, until they were up for visitors.  Unfortunately, people kept "dropping" by for the first week and some of them wouldn't even call first.  Since my daughter had some complications from her epidural (5 day spinal headache, rehospitalization for blood patch, etc), she was bed bound and my SIL had only myself and my husband to help with the baby.  Granted, this was NOT their plan to have my daughter bedridden and in pain for the first week, but nevertheless, it worked out that we were there for them.

During that time, I thought I was being "helpful", but I think there were times that I overhelped - - almost stepping on their toes, which I didn't mean to do.  Grandmothers have this way of stepping right in, and we don't mean any harm - - we just have this instinct to take over, because we have "been there and done that".  I know that they appreciate the help, but I have to watch myself and not get too involved in their decisions, which is hard when we all live in the same house.  But I am getting better (I think).

Your feelings may change once the baby is here - - and maybe they won't..........I agree that it was very presumptuous of her to book a flight without your consent, especially since she would be staying at your house.  In her eyes, she probably thinks she is doing you a huge favor by coming and "helping" out.  In reality, she wants to see her grandchild.  Maybe you will have the baby early and this will all be moot anyway.

Or - - -

Tell her that if she insists on coming before the baby is born, she can only stay a week and if the baby hasn't come yet, she will have to miss those early days, because she is only allowed to stay at your house for a week, maximum.  Perhaps she will rethink her timing and reschedule her flight for a couple of weeks after the baby is born, so she can make better use of her time.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best, but I feel for you....I cannot imagine having my Mother live with me for that long - - - ugh!!  Good luck!

[Jen8950]

I am a very private person also. But as much as I'd like to be by myself after I had my first son, I am so THANKFUL my mom was pushy enough to stay with me. Even though my husband had taken some vac time then, it was that extra hand that was great.

[g8r grl]

For your sake, I'm hoping that you have your baby a little early so you can have some alone time with your new little family. I had my son 13 days early and it worked out because everyone had planned their visits for around that time.

Ask your doc to start stripping your membranes at 38 weeks or so...maybe it will work.

I know how you feel...my in-laws came to visit soon after my son was born and I was a disaster. It was my fist baby and I wanted to do everything myself. Are you nursing? That was my excuse to get away from them as much as possible. I'd have to feed him every 2-3 hours and it would take about 30-45 minutes...I always nursed in my room with the door shut because I'm not about flashing my baby feeders to the rest of the world. I'm also with you on the private delivery....my husband is the only one allowed. I don't need people watching that....it's special and personal.

Good luck :)

[LauraB78]

Grandmatobe- Thank you for your kind words and your input.. I am going to have to "s-uck" it up and have an incredibly difficult conversation with her. I think I am going to have to be MUCH more firm than I an comfortable with and it is going to hurt her feelings. But it is necessary.

I have found a family friend that has offered for her to stay  there to split time.. I still am not happy about what she has done. I know she ius excited.. Her 6th grandchild and 1st grandSON.. I get it.. I just think she was way too presumptuous..


Jen - Thanks, but she really cant help.. She could maybe hold Jaxson for a bit.. That is IT.. And I frankly dont want my son held 24-7.. That isnt part of my plan..

gr8- that is totally what I am heoping for as well.. I hope I have Jaxson Jan 1! New Years baby and then we would get our week!! We shall see.. He will cme when he is ready.

I have an appt today to check out whats going on "down there"  Lasy week, my cervix had thinned, but that was about it.. No dialation or anything..

I REALLY hope I am dialating, although that can mean nothing too! =(

[agomez333]

Laura,

I completely understand about wanting ur space and I have a mother like that too. Thankfully with this being #4 she has learned not to push anymore. I too want space and room after he is born and do not want a bunch of visitors and if friends and family get offended well I'm sorry. I don't want people with germs coming and going when he is so little. It will be flu season when these babies r born and I completely understand.
I did want to mention though that is is almost impossible to form a schedule right away so dont set your expectations too high for that or you will be greatly disappointed. Also, you can not hold a brand new baby too much and spoil them. As they get a little older, you can hold them less, but you will shock your poor baby if you are to stingy on holding him. For the last 9 mths he has been close to you and hearing your heartbeat so they need to be swaddled and held close especially in the early days and weeks or you will have one crying and crabby baby on ur hands. This is coming from experience so take it how you will...
Just remember at first schedules are all the babies and after a month or two or three you are able to set a more regular schedule.. Just dont set your hopes too high with this being ur first baby and all cause it can get disheartening if things don't work they way YOU want them... Remember you have to be felxible with a new baby and things get crazy the first month.
For this reason especially I COMPLETELY understand the mom situation and hope you are able to work something out with her!! Good luck as everything plays out soon!!!

[GTsMom]

I understand what Laura is saying.  I love my Mother and my MIL very much but feel the same about wanting your time alone in the beginning with the baby.  While they think they are helping out, they really aren't when they aren't listening to you when you are telling them how they can help.  It is understandable that they will give advice being they have been through it themselves.  You and your husband need to work out a routine that will work for the three of you as it will be the three of you when the visitors aren't coming around so much.  I am pregnant with my 2nd child and with already knowing how it was the first time around, my DH and I know for sure we don't want visitors in the first couple of days, at least.  Sure there may be extenuating circumstances that may change your mind once the big day arrives, but assuming everything goes smooth with your delivery and you and baby are fine, you may want that time at home alone as a family for the first few days.  I brought my DS home on Christmas Day and it was so chaotic - - I thought I was going to lose it:-)    

[GRose]

I just wanted to tell you that the reason most people don't have a set schedule with a newborn isn't because it is too challenging it is because it is dam-n near impossible. You cant force a baby to sleep or be awake when it doesn't want to and you can't make it wait too eat either, babies will eat and sleep when they want. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with trying but I am saying not to have too high of hopes in succeeding in your schedule.
Sorry if that sounded harsh but my hormones are going crazy and I can't keep myself from saying what I think at this point in my pregnancy.

[LauraB78]

No offense taken AT ALL!!  I agree to an extent and since this is my first, I may be totally naive w/ thinking that scheduling is even possible.. But we want to try..

The idea behind it is that Ken and I found 2 books that we are choosing to follow that have a schedule that we want to try,, I am NOT saying it will be successful, we are just really hoping so! =)

And my Mom is totally controlling and will not comply is more my concern than if the actual schedule doesnt pan out.,

We are following the " The contented little baby book" by Gina Ford, and "Baby Wise".. Not sure who the author is on that one, I am having a brain fart!! I have 2 really close friends who followed these books.. One recommended each book, and all of their children slept through the night by 8 weeks (at the latest) And when I say through the night, I mean 11pm - 5 am.. So.. we shall see..

Thanks for all the input. I emailed my Mom and have yet to hear back from her.. I hate confrontation,and am nervous, but really feel strongly about standing my ground on this one.,.

[GRose]

Well, that's AWESOME if you can get it to work. Let me know and maybe I will get those books before #2 comes!

[LauraB78]

K.. I will keep you posted! =)

I hope they work for us too!

[johannaviles]

You know as mean as it may sound i also HATE company after giving birth, It must be something about my hormones, because I just want my husband  to be around...
Everything everyone else does (even to try to help me ) drives me nuts and makes me mad.  It happened with my daughter and with my son: I JUST WANTED TO BE LEFT ALONE :|, my mom "felt" it and just stayed away untill I felt ready.
My point is: i completely understand what you feel and eventhought your mom would feel bad, I think being tackfully (sp?) honest now would be much better than feeling miserable and wanting to kill her once she is there...I dont know, maybe you can offer her move the flight, or make her stay shorter...

Best of luck...