I might be wrong and if I am...God forgive me!

[prayerful wife]

I have two sons from a previous relationship, and my husband has a daughter from his previous marriage that lives in Kentucky (we're in GA).  Dont get me wrong we love our little blended family but its some things I need for him to understand:

My boys are gone with their dad for the summer (thank God) and Chancellor is only 3wks old.  I havent slept since I was 7months pregnant and sh*t I'm tired.  I know that my husband wants his daughter to see her little brother and he keeps saying "I might as well go pick her up this weekend so she can come visit for a few weeks".  I looked at him and said you must be taking another vacation.  How in the hell does this man expect me to take care of both of his children (especially when mine are gone) and he's on the road from Sun-Thur driving?  
I hate to sound selfish but I'm not in the mood.  How can I break it to him that now is just not a good time for her to come, and truth be told I dont know when it will be a good time.  School starts in 1month here and with my tubal coming up I'm trying to stall until the last minute even having my two come back.  
I know that makes me wrong huh...and he's probably talking bad about me behind my back but I dont care I'm thinking about myself for a change b/c if I dont who will?
Am I wrong yall?

[martikadragoon]

You know if it was me I'd tell him. "Ok, you can pick her up, as long as YOU are the one feeding her and watching her EVERY DAY, because I've got a newborn I'm caring for and don't have the time or energy".

I'll bet that he'll make his decision real fast.

[luv2bmommy]

I can't really comment on whether its right or wrong because its very complicated! But can't he take some time off to help you with this if he wants to have her over for such an extended period!? I mean you are right, you do need SLEEP! and its still early enough to not even want to get the baby out many places either, he is still adjusting, you are still adjusting. It just seems like bad timing. But I can say from a recent loss of my sister, that family and being all together may be very important to him. I know that since my sister passed I have had a lot of trouble being away from my family. My grandparents are aging and sometimes sick. I know that has nothing to do with this but I guess what I am trying to say is family is sooo important and time isnt always on our side. which is extremely pessimistic, to the point where I cant even believe I just said that. but I dont know how else to word it. Try to tell him you are very exited to introduce them and let them have some time together, but that you are not sure you would be able to handle it on your own right now. Good luck!

[wild.blue]

I agree. You should stand up for what you feel. I'm sure newborns are very hard to take care of, as are 6 year olds. The two at once would be too much. You need to be taking care of yourself right now too since you gave birth only 3 weeks ago  xoxo

[mami1323]

Well that's a different story...I didn't know that he wouldn't be around.  Then heck no.  Why should you have to take care of a newborn and a 6 year old.  This is his daughter and if he won't be around to help out with them both then she can come at a different time.

[Hope2OneDay]

I think if you let him take care of the baby while you sleep for one full day while he's home, he'll understand what you're going through a little more.  I had the WORST PPD after my ds was born, and even though my dh helped in the evenings when he got home, he had NO clue what it felt like to be a sleep deprived, hormonal, emotional zombie walking around in a fog so deep that you wonder if you'll ever get through all the rough months. Eventually, I broke down and cried to him and explained to him that while he was sleeping peacefully in the guest room, I was up with a screaming baby at 3 AM, with no one to talk to and no one to ask advice from. It was awful!

One Saturday (he doesn't work weekends) I had him watch Levi while I caught up on some much needed sleep. I pumped plenty of milk and even got the bottles ready. All he had to do was warm them. Well, I slept. And when I wasn't sleeping, I laid in bed and pretended I was sleeping. I REFUSED to go help him when the baby was downstairs screaming its head off. (That was REALLY hard to do, because I naturally wanted to go take care of him myself!)

My dh learned a little about how my days (and nights) were when he watched him by himself that day. Now, when I'm having a rough day, he tends to be more understanding and considerate.

Honestly, there will be PLENTY of time for your step-daughter to see the baby. And it's not like you can really "play" with a 3 month old baby anyway. They're asleep most of the day (hopefully) and when they're not asleep they're eating, burping, farting and pooping. That's about it. Not much to do with a 6 year old at this point.

I understand she wants to see the baby. But unless your dh is available to entertain his daughter when she's NOT staring at the baby, I'd make him postpone the visit until YOU are ready. It's all about your mental, physical and emotional well being right now, because you are the one making sure the baby stays healthy and happy.

When mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy. And when a baby ain't happy, and THAT'S what is making mama unhappy...WATCH OUT! LOL

[prayerful wife]

Thanks ladies.  I truly didnt want him to think I didnt want his daughter around.  I love her just as much as he loves my two and she's always welcomed here, NOW is just not the best time.  We made her a button with the baby's pic that says Chancellor's big sister.  Bought her a tee shirt and stamped it with his hands and feet and sent those to her.  Then I took it upon myself right before Chance was born and purchased and sent her some clothes to start the summer off in.  So I feel like I'm more than an adequate step-mother hell I do things for her that her dad doesnt do only b/c hes a man and doesnt understand that a girl can never have too many panties, socks, and hairbows; so I'm always shipping those kinds of things to her.  Then we talk on the phone all the time.  

I just feel like right now I'm walking around in a daze.  I find myself going back to things twice just to make sure that I've done them which is so unlike me.  I'm sure he'll understand.  I'm going to sit him down this weekend and let him know that since school is about to start back and he used his vacation time the 1st week we came home that we'll probably have to wait until another time to get her.  Besides he'll have to find a way to squeeze time in to drive 7hours striaght to pick her up then 7hrs to bring her bk to our home.  Her mom wont even compromise and meet him half way....it's just so much and it's a struggle and now I'm crying b/c I feel over-whelmed and I already dont have any help....I'm just rambling on right now!

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Thanks girl!!!  I have been meaning to.  Think about ya all the time :)  I will PM you either this afternoon or tomorrow afternoon.

[LauraB78]

I agree w. Joy and Michele...

I think his daughter should definitely come spend time when Daddy can be around to help! =)

Good Luck Hun!!

[JoyRenee]

Oh, Michele, that stinks! You know you can always PM me. I'm not busy and you can just vent!

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I agree with Joy.

I had a similar situation.  My husband is from Colombia originally.  My youngest just turned 1 on June 13.  Well, when I was pregnant with her, my husband told me that his mom would be coming to town right after I have the baby.  I get PPD really bad after I have a baby, and like you, I'm just exhausted.  I have never been blessed with a sleeper.  So the first few months are hell for me.  I told him to tell his mom either to wait for a couple of months to come, or to come before the baby was born.  I said even if she doesn't get to see this one, she has other grandchildren that she has never seen so she can spend time with them.  It was a hard situation because I knew he hadn't seen his mom for a few years and now I am trying to dictate when she comes.  But I don't ask for much I don't think.  But after we have a baby, I think it should be about us; at least for a while.  As it turns out, his mom never came at that time.  But she's here now!!!!  And she is moving to our same city.  After 8 years together, this will truly change my life and I love my husband but this has the potential to hurt our relationship.

Well, I didn't mean to get into all of my drama, but I wanted to let you know that I understand where you are coming from and I would just tell your hubby that it is just going to have to wait.  I'm sure she wants to see her little bro and that your hubby wants her to.  But let's face it.....your little man is just weeks old.  He doesn't do anything yet.  He can't play or anything like that.  So I say, send her a picture and let her come when the baby is a few months old.  She'd probably enjoy that better anyway; at the very least, let her come when your husband is there.  After all, it is his daughter.  If he wants her to come, then it should be whenever HE is there to spend time with her.

[LosingMyMindInGA]

No I think you are being reasonable.  It's selfish of HIM to put this all on you.  Men don't seem to understand just how exhausting it is...even if you do stay at home all day.  That's a big issue my hubby and I had before....he thought since I stayed home all day that I didn't do anything and had no reason to be tired....he thought that since he worked and i didn't, that i should be the only one getting up at night.  I was so exhausted that i was physically ill most days.  If you haven't already I think you need to sit him down and explain to him how tired you are...that it would different if he was going to be around to help, but he's not.  Make sure he understands that it's not just HIS kid you don't want around right now...it's yours as well.  Men just dont' get it.

[JoyRenee]

Honestly she's not your biological daughter and you don't have to "babysit" her (sorry, that's just what it seems like you'd be doing). It's not going to be fun for her anyway because you said your husband was going to be on the road. Her little half-bro isn't going anywhere. She can see him another time when her daddy is going to be home.

[prayerful wife]

She's 6, and the last time she was here entertaining her was a task.  She's very hyper and when you give her something to do 10mins later she's saying I'm bored I dont have anything to do.  Or if you fix her a plate she picks over her food and then 10mins later she's asking for a snack.  I'm not used to that whatever I sit in front of my kids they eat.  Amy dont believe in making 2/3 different meals.  My policy is you eat it before it eats you! LOL
Her mom just had a baby as well so I think it's more of her calling every week asking my hubby when is he coming to get her.  I would think since this heffa is in the same boat as me and her husband is in the army so he's always gone too, she more than anybody should understand I dont want to be bothered.  I hate to hurt both they feelings but that's what's going to happen if they dont quit messing with my peace of mind.

[mami1323]

Well you can look at this two ways:

1.  It's not wrong because heck with a newborn you need help.  It's not fair that he leaves you all that time and you have to be the only one caring for the new baby.  Lack of sleep can really be depressing and him not being around can be lonely.  Sh!t, it's hard enough as is with the hormones trying to regulate then having to deal with a new baby alone on no sleep.  Not really appealing thought.  Plus, with your boys gone, you both will have to entertain her as well.  You won't get much downtime or time to just be with the new baby.

2.  It is slightly wrong because he does have a daugther that needs to see her father and would probably love to see her new baby brother as well.  I'm sure she doesn't get to spend that much time with him as is and this would be a perfect time for her to get some attention.  On a positive note, she may be more helpful to you.  My step daughter is 12 and helps me sooo much with her baby brother.  Sometimes it's refreshing, I get a break.  She also watches him so I can grab a shower or something to eat.  She loves feeding him and dressing him.  I don't know how old his daughter is but it may be the extra help you need.

Just some things to think about...don't know if I was very helpful or not.

[JoyRenee]

No, I don't think you're wrong. You're the one whose going to be the caregiver in his absence and you need a break, some time, whatever. He's being insensitive. It's so easy to leave the kids at home with Mom and then leave and not think about how tired Mom is and how much she feels like she's going crazy!

Sorry but it would be a BFN to my hubby.