Pregnancy Depression, oh my Lord help

[Daslicht]

I found out I'm pregnant a few days ago. I should be around 6 1/2 weeks. The deal is that for a few weeks I had been feeling enormous depression, it was one of my first signs. I cried all the time. I was angry the rest of the time. All for no reason. I told my fiancee that I really needed counseling because I was going crazy. I thought my period was late because of stress, I was not worrying about it, I was sure it would come. It never did. I took the test so sure it was negative. When it turned positive within half a second I immediately broke down in tears of immense fear.

Since then I have calmed down somewhat. All my family and his family and all our friends have been 1000% supportive. It's so amazing, and I am so grateful.

But it remains that I was not planning on becoming pregnant yet. My fiance and I are both almost finished with our first two years of college. He has a great job and is hoping for a promotion. I am just concentrating hard in school. Baby was not part of the plan.

I've been experiencing horrible thoughts:

-Feeling like having a baby makes me old (even though I'm only 22)
-feel that my life is over
-I will never be the same person ever again
- hate thinking of myself as a "mom" (hearing the word makes me cry)
-I think of the baby as a step closer to the grave, I am no longer innocent and young and carefree
-I look at my beautiful 20 year old fiance and see an old man :'(
-Feeling like I "just can't do it"
-wanting so bad to turn back time to when I met and fell in love with my fiance in high school
-feeling like our relationship will never be the same, our sex life will never be the same, our hopes and dreams shattered
-not being able to see or talk to my mother or grandparents because they really arent too happy, they demanded I not get pregnant until I finish school,I feel ashamed for disappointing them
-I keep revisiting the thought of abortion

The thing is that these feelings arise only at bedtime. When I'm laying next to my dead asleep fiance in a quiet dark room. I feel like I'm in the mouth of hell. Horrible thoughts of fear, regret, old age and dying consume me. Because of that I can only sleep when it is daylight, like a friggin vampire. It doesnt help that I have bad nausea and eating anything makes me sick or throw up.

I want to happy like most pregnant women. I've always loved babies, and I know I will be a wonderful mom. but the dark thought return every night.

I guess what I want to know is should I seek treatment or is this all normal in early pregnancy? If so, when oh when will it pass ?!

Thanks in advance.

[Daslicht]

Yes, roller coaster is so right. Recently I started panicking about a miscarriage, because I'm about 7 something weeks now and I feel that my symptoms are fading. Then at night I cry because I don't feel prepared for motherhood. A part me then DOES want the baby. But it's like a demon comes at night and plants the opposite thoughts in my head.

Thank you all. I feel much better after reading all this. I will continue to post updates :)

[SunWorshiper_26]

It sounds like what you are experiencing is pretty normal. I wanted to get pregnant for three years before I finally did and I wanted it SO bad but now i worry too. It's a normal part of pregnancy and I think it's a good thing that you realize what a big thing this is. But know that everything does happen for a reason and maybe this baby will be the best thing that ever happened to you and your fiancé.

Counseling never hurts and anytime there is a deviation from your life plan its can be hard to cope. If you want to do counseling I say go for it!!  It's a great way to be able to talk through everything and not feel like you are being judged. You can call your insurance company for a referral or you can ask around. There are also some places that charge on a sliding scale depending upon income.

I wish you all the best. Know that you are not alone in your fears and anxieties. Growing up is hard, being pregnant is scary plus add all of these crazy hormones in the mix and you feel like an emotional roller coaster.

[JoyRenee]

I get anxious the most at night, too. In fact, most people do! This is also a VERY normal part of pregnancy. You will feel a roller coaster of emotions because your hormones are spiking, dipping, spiking, dipping. You'll feel angry one moment and break down bawling the next. It is NORMAL and doesn't mean you'll be a bad mother.

I'm 25 and I have three daughters. I had my first baby when I was just 20 years old. I do not feel old and while my carefree days of doing whatever I want are over I wouldn't trade it for my children whatsoever. Your heart will change. It's okay to be scared and unsure right now. Most of the time having a baby is never part of the plan and that is okay too. Life is full of surprises and our plans will never go according to the way we plan them.

This also doesn't mean you can't finish school. Look at it as the beginning of a new chapter in your life. ;-)  It helps to write down your fears. Every time I am pregnant I start a new journal for the baby. I read baby books, I look up facts about my baby for that particular week on websites, etc. I get excited, start planning a boy nursery and a girl nursery until I find out which gender I'm having, pick out names, etc., etc.

Find something positive to focus on and put death and old age at the back of your mind. You're seriously only 22, not 92. You've got a LOT of life to live and it won't pass by in a blink. Right now it may seem you're going to have that baby in a week but time will slow down as the thought of being pregnant sinks in and then you'll feel like you've been pregnant forever.

[Daslicht]

First of all, thank you guys. I really feel a lot better after this.

Everything you're all saying is true.

Though, I guess the biggest issue with me right now is that even though everyone in his family is happy, and most people in my family are too, I just don't feel mentally prepared.
I'm the kind of person that has a to-do list every morning. My life is planned years ahead and this is the one thing that I had no control over, it just happened. I mean I wasn't being 100% with the birth control but we went 4 1/2 years of our relationship and didn't get pregnant. It's such a shock that it happened now. I guess I just got a little confident that I wouldn't get pregnant until the time was right for me. But I am not God and it was silly to think that.

As far as the abortion, I'm not strongly considering it but I feel that if my negative thoughts persist or worsen that maybe it's a sign that it just shouldn't have this baby. Even though everyone around me warns me that early pregnancy depression is very common, and that they got over it and so can I.

Thank you all. I will keep you posted on what I decide. I am taking really good care of myself and next week i have my first doctor's appointment. So while it is in me, I will embrace it and care for it with all of me despite my worries. thanks again. wish me luck :)

[Jessimaca]

I think You just need to calm down take a breather and relax. It sounds like you have a lot of peoples support. Even if the Grandparents are not supportive whats done is done and this is your life. Dont try to please others do what is best for you the baby and your significant other. Dont feel ashamed. I'm positive your mother and grandmother want the best for you, but things have changed and the plans they had for you are no longer going to happen, so now it is time for plan B. I think it would help to talk with your significant other and come up with a long term game plan.

The sickness is horrible and it does put you in a slump. I'm just getting over all that sickness. Just the thought of eatting anything made me want to barf but it will pass. You are not old at all. I'm 25 and were expecting our first child with my hubby being 28. You're still young and your significant other is still young. Haveing a kid gives you an excuse to act like a kid not to slow down and be boring.

The abortion issue. I can tell you that from my own experience its a tough thing to live with. I was only 12 yrs old when I had an abortion, I was the victim of rape by my mothers boyfriend. even though to some people it could be seen as "okay" to do in my situation. But only a year later 13yrs old I regretted it. So make sure you really think about it and since you have a significant other I would talk to him about it too.

[smjmekg]

It is normal to be worried, or have anxiety to start off. You are young, but that's good, you'll have more energy for a baby. I had my son when I was 22 and I haven't lost my life, I'm not some old nursing home aged woman. I still go out and have fun, not right now I'm 24 and expecting my second baby. BUT I had my girls nights out, I got out of the house on my own once in a while. It's not the end of the world to have a baby. You have a fiance and family that will be there for you!!! When I had my son my husband got sent to Korea (active duty US Army) when I was 7 months pregnant. I was living with my parents for 8 months, until I had my son and he was 6 months old when we left to be with my husband in Korea. My husband got to come home for 2 weeks, and ONLY because we knew it was a scheduled c-section. SO you're very lucky to have someone who will be there.

You said your family supports you, does it include your grandparents? If it does then that's one worry you're having that's not needed at all!

Life doesn't end once you become a mom, or no one would have a mom...they'd just have a dad. You may not be 100% the same, you may mature a bit more, and realize the importance of taking care of responsibilities, but that comes with anything, living on your own, having bills, etc. Your relationship/sex life may change, but as the baby gets older it might go right back to how it was...babies do change a lot, but if you embrace it and allow it to happen and think positive it'll all be good changes.

Feeling sick usually only lasts the first trimester, and if it's really bad your dr might prescribe you something to help. You said it yourself...you know you'll be a wonderful mom. If I were you I'd talk to your doctor about how you're feeling.

With my son I did have a lot of anxiety in the beginning, questioning my ability to be able to do it...everything turned out fine, and I was alone most of his first six months. The same thing will happen with this baby...my husband is being deployed to Afghanistan one month after the baby is born. I'll have a 2 1/2 year old AND newborn...and I won't lie, I am worried about it but I know I can do it. Having children is a blessing, and a beautiful thing!