Things NOT to say to someone who has miscarried

[amn702]

I decided to post this, because I am still dealing with my loss and am having an extremely difficult time with it. Battling depression, anxiety, lack of enjoyment of anything at all... And I know people have good intentions when trying to comfort you and counsel you after you have lost a baby, but some of the things they say are hurtful. Again, I know most people don't mean to hurt you, they just aren't sure what to say. This list is compiled of things people have said to me and also some things I have seen online or heard from other friends who have lost babies.

-At least you weren't that far along. (It doesn't matter how far along you were, a loss is a loss and it still hurts!)

-God will give you a baby when it's your time. (You WANTED that baby. Maybe you will have another baby later, but you wanted THAT one, and it doesn't help to hear "it wasn't your time")

-At least you know you CAN get pregnant. (Maybe so, but what if I never get pregnant again? Or even if I do, it doesn't minimize the life of the baby that I lost. That was MY baby.)

-Miscarriages are very common, it's happened to almost everyone. (Maybe it has, but it is very new and painful to me.)

-I had a miscarriage too so I know exactly how you feel. (I am so sorry that you had to deal with a loss too, but you don't know EXACTLY how I feel just like I don't know EXACTLY how you feel. Everyone deals with it differently.)

-There was probably something wrong with it anyway. (It doesn't matter to me...this was my baby and I don't care what kind of problems he or she may have had.)

-You'll get pregnant again, and if you don't you can always adopt. (I very well and hopefully will get pregnant again... but I might not. And yes, adoption is a great thing, but it doesn't make the loss of my baby any less real.)

-Nature takes care of her mistakes. (Mistake???? Excuse me?????)

-At least you were early, I carried my baby full term then she/he died. (I am very sorry that happened to you, but it doesn't mean your loss is "more sad" than mine.)

-Give it some time, you'll be alright. (This one is pretty self explanatory.)

-You're young, you have plenty of time. (Yes I may be 25 years old. But I am ready in every way and why does it matter how old you are? I wanted that baby at the time he or she was due.)

-Next time everything will be fine. (It might not be.)

-It's not the end of the world. (It sure feels like it to me. ...and yes, someone actually said this to me)

-So you needed a WHOLE week off from work? (Someone actually said this to me...and yes I did need that time because I had to have TWO d&c procedures done. I STILL came back to work before I was ready.)

-At least this was your first time, I've had 3 (or however many) miscarriages. (Again, I am very sorry you have had to deal with these losses, but it still doesn't make this any more real and sad for me.)



There are many more I just can't think of right now. I know people just don't know what to say so they say whatever comes to mind, but please think carefully before you say something like this to someone. You may mean well, but your words can be very hurtful. The person going through the loss is probably dealing with a lot of pain and emotions and can feel very alone. Thanks for reading, everyone.

[momabear86]

I think you should take it how it is meant to be, a token of sympathy. I'd rather someone try to console me with rubbish than sit in awkward silence.

[louisekirby]

im sorry this happened to u. i know exactly how u feel my BEST friend said to me when i lost my baby at least u know u can have kids i wanted to slap her i just couldnt believe she would say that to me. people can be so insensitive. x

[Missadawn]

I'm not sure if this is a possibility for you but I had a miscarriage in June and everything you said above was told to me. It's very frustrating. It feels like you can't morn or be sad for your loss. Because there isn't a body for others to see they don't get your sadness. So my husband and I went away to a B&B for the weekend. Shut off our phones and mourned our babies death. We went to this nice winery with a beautiful river that ran by it and at sunset picked a flower for every week of our babies life with us in my belly and sent them down the river with thoughts and prayers of that journey. I don't know if it will help you but it at least gave me some closure. It's such a hard thing to go threw. I understand.

[Mommyjeep11]

People can be very cruel and not even know it. When I had my miscarriages my own mother was the worst. She knew my husband and I had been trying for a baby and every word that came out her mouth was something on your list. I wanted to slap her. But instead I avoided her until I could be around her without do that lol. She had never had a miscarriage and I had 3 almost back to back. She had no idea what I was going through or how they affected me. And she wanted was another grand baby. Even though it's been almost 2 years since my first mc I still remember when we found out we were expecting, when we found out we lost the baby, and what my due date would have been and those days are very painful no matter how much time has passed. I lost babies that I loved, planned for and wanted more than anything. And the way I grieve and deal with the loss is completely different than how someone else would handle it. I sometimes find my self getting upset with my sister in law who had a blighted ovum because she makes her loss out to be so much more than mine but I have to remember that even though there wasn't a baby there she still thought there was and that makes it just as real as the loss of my babies.

[aly_e]

Im sorry for ur loss. It sounds like u want ppl to say nothing at all to u. Some of those can b percieved as insensitive but the others are ppl just trying to console u. Im just saying... i know this is a tough time for u and i pray things get better for u. And i mean that.