What happend last night.

[ammanda]

So me and Coles father just went out together for the first time last night. we usually dont go out together, cause we fight.  but anyway, this time it was him and my sisters boyfriend.  they fought and hit each other, and I hit Drew and i was trying to calm him down. but he was so out of his own state of mind.  nothing would calm him down. he hit me in the eye, even though it wasnt intentionally, but he didnt even care or awknowledge it.  and he went through my sisters boyfriends house and broke everything.  and he took off in his jeep. going to my moms where cole was. I couldnt have him there around Cole the way he was. So I called the cops to find him.  the cops got him and charged him for a DUI. this is his second one. he just got one literally a year ago, last August.  so now hes in jail and his jeep in in impound. and hes gonna lose his license that he just got back 2 weeks ago.  and he is gonna have fines up the a**.  And i cant afford to do this on my own.  Im terrifed of how hes gonna treat me when he gets out of jail. I really hope he realizes that I didnt do anything wrong. it had nothing to do with me.  Yea im the one that called the cops but my i had to, he was trying to involve Cole. and besides that my sisters boyfriend was gonna call  the cops anyway, cause he assulted him and vandalized his house. so should i feel bad? im sooo depressed.  and it *****, today is our day together, we always spend Sundays together with no phones or computers,. and im soo alone. and depressed, i hate thinking hes in jail right now, and everything thats gonna happen.  

[DoulaSummer]

I agree.  I think it is important to support his father, but make sure you don't cross the line into enabling.  It is a thin line, which is why I recommend you attend at least one Al-Alon meeting.  They are tremendous support and will be able to give you some resources to help you make it on your own.  You sound like a strong girl, but these classes/meetings will just reinforce it and make sure you stay strong even in your weak moments (we ALL have them).  Please seriously consider it.  They are completely FREE.

[mami1323]

There isn't anything wrong with being there for him.  It's a very mature decision to do what's best for your child and I believe that is what you want.  He has a lot of growing up to do and hopefully this was a wake up call to him.  We weren't trying to be harsh to you ammanda.  We all were concerned for you and Cole's well being.  Sometimes its hard to hear the truth because we want to believe in those that we love.  But you are a strong woman.  Hang in there.  

[ammanda]

OBVIOUSLY MY SON MEANS MORE TO ME THEN ANYONE ELSE.  THERES NO QUESTIONING THAT.  DREWS OUT OF JAIL NOW, HE IS OUT ON BOND SO NOW HE HAS TO TAKE BREATH ALYZER TEST EVERY DAY AND HE IS ON HOUSE ARREST.  I DIDNT REALLY SEE HIM THAT NIGHT, BUT NOW I HAVE, AND HE IS PRETTY BEAT UP.. OOPS!!! LOL..  BUT ANYWAY HE HAS PRE TRIAL ON THE 24TH. HES GONNA TRY AND GET A LAWYER BUT HES PRETTY MUCH SWREWED.  EITHER WAY, WE HAD A HUGE TALK WHEN HE GOT OUT OF JAIL. WERE NOT GONNA BE TOGETHER, BUT I AM GONNA BE THERE FOR HIM IF HE NEEDS ME. HE HASNT TALKED MUCH TODAY, AND NEITHER HAS MY SISTERS BOYFRIEND.  THEY BOTH FEEL LIKE A HOLES.  BUT WE WILL SEE WHERE IT GOES FROM HERE.  

THANKS TO ALL THAT TRIED TO GIVE ME ADVISE AND BE THERE.  I KINDA WANNA END THIS THREAD NOW.  BUT ONCE AGAIN THANK YOU.

[tsie]

you need to rethink seriously about this relationship.Its exremely unhealthy and i hope you get the strength to get up and leave him.

[DoulaSummer]

I agree.  You are still making excuses for him.  They pinned him down not only for their safety, but your safety, his safety, and anyone else around.  Stop blaming them for trying to help him.

I would seek out come Al-Anon meetings near you.  Not only are you continuing to make excuses for a man who has no respect for you or people around him, but I think you are showing signs of co-dependency.

alaysha gave some GREAT advice.  I will say it again, I think you need to consider starting a better life of you and your son.  When his dad actually grows up and can be a good day ALL the time (which right now is NOT possible).  Collect child support and set up a visitation plan.  You will see how much his son means to him then.  If he doesn't come around or continues to make excuses for not seeing him, he doesn't really care!

[mami1323]

See you're still blaming that whole scenario on other people.  I've had plenty of serious conversations with people in drinking situations and no one got so upset that they needed to be pinned down.  It's not their fault, it's his.  Until you realize that you will still continue to make excuses for him.  You said you work but yet you still need him to pay for Cole and you.  Well that can happen regardless.  He will have no choice to pay for child support if you two split.  And if he continues to put himself in situations where he will lose his license and can't work, well blame him for that.  He did it to himself.  So that's what I meant about being financially independent.  You can't control his actions and you don't know what to expect from him and his erratic behavior.  So I wouldn't just put my eggs in one basket.  You need to figure things out that won't involve depending on Drew.  But again that's only MO.  I know it's hard when you love someone but JillyHemp said it perfectly...men come a dime a dozen but you only have one Cole.  That rings volumes, I hope it does to you as well.

[Clysta]

I also just wanna say that, he might love his son, but he clearly doesn't care what he does when he's drunk. Pinned or not (which sounds like an excuse to me as well) he shouldn't have lashed like that. The fact that he doesn't seem to care that he did it should raise huge red flags. How much will it take to leave? What if he raises a hand to your son? My dad loved me and my sisters. That didn't stop him from beating the hell out of us when he was drunk either. He's an adult. He should know how to handle alchohol. Others shouldn't have to tiptoe around him just so they don't **** him off. You can say he would never be violent to your son, but that fact that he's already physical shows that could easily change in a heartbeat. You even said yourself. 'he likes to fight'

[JillyHemp316]

I want to point out that you were saying how you can't leave him or let him sit in jail because you need him to go to work so he can helps with bills and Cole and stuff...but then you also said that with this second DUI and his liscense being yaken away again that he won't be able to work so no money for you guys. You contradicted yourself, I think you are amazing for putting up with him, but I think kinda sorta you're part of the problem. You're still making exscuses, you just said you weren't but in the next sentence you were. I'm not trying to be rude, I just want to point that out. I think sometimes its hard to see the forest for the trees ya know? No one should have to pin him down. That's awful, if he's adult enough to have a drink then he should be adult enough to not act like that and if he can't drink and behave then he should be adult enough to not drink. Actually a good idea, learn how to take the distributor cap off a car. If there's no distributor cap then he can't drive the vehicle therefore keepng himself safe and everyone else out there safe. There was just an thing in the news where I live about a family, the mom was at work dad was watching the kids, dad took the kids somewhere and crashed into a tree and killed both kids..he walked away but both children died..his blood alcohol level was sky high. This, to me anyway, comes down to a simple question..who do you love more? Cole or Drew? I know that's an awful question but the answer should be an easy one. I love my husband..but my son is the light of my life my reason for living and he comes before my husband. Men are a dime a dozen..but that's the only Cole you'll ever have.

[Sunkissed19]

i agree with alaysha 100%...thats very good advice!

[alaysha]

Him being pinned down is an excuse. My ex was SEVERELY abusive when he was drinking because he couldn't handle alcohol. My DH even if horrible upset after having gone out and arguing or whatever has NEVER physically lashed out at me. I don't care how drunk you are but that is just an excuse. I know that you love him and its all in your mind that it was partly your fault and circumstance and blah blah blah but the truth is he is abusive and unless he gets help and you leave it will NEVER get any better. I was thrown down a flight of stairs, my head it a wall once and I got a black eye and I still made excuses and stayed. But finally after my daughter was like 10 months old I realized that I could not live like that and have my daughter watch these things and think that its ok. Its not. I left and moved hundreds of miles away to separate us, got a job at a bar and filed for custody of my daughter. Even though my ex tried to claim that he had no income they still base it at what he has potential to make so I was still getting at least $500 a month. Also because there were cases of domestic violence and because he also had a DUI I was given full custody of my daughter (to be reviewed every 6 months) and he is allowed to come see her 2 days a month but he can only take her during daylight hours. Needless to say even though he claims to "love" our daughter he hasn't come to see her once. Realistically she was just another way to try and control me and I didn't let it last. Do what is right for your son. If he wants to be part of his life he will get the classes he needs and prove that he can be sober and a good parent so that the courts will let him hangout with his son and if he chooses not to do it then at least you got that trash out of your life and can move on and find someone better. I know how hard it is to make that first step and how heartbreaking it is, but each month gets easier until finally its like you wake up from a dream and think "what the heck was I doing with that loser".

[ammanda]

The way my job works is, theres 2 of us for the night shift. and we both need money, so we have to take turns closing the bar. I get one weekend and she gets the other weekend, if we close then we only get one day during the week, if we dont close then we get 2 days a week.   and thursdays is when we make the most money.  I can never tell when im gonna have money, it all depends on my bar crowd. its a restaurant and a bar, but the food has gone to crap lately so the only money u make in that place is from the bar, so ur screwed if its not your turn to close. if you can understand that

[ammanda]

No He did not sleep with one of my friends, you must be thinking of someone else.  but anyway, i aprreciate all the words of wisdom from you ladies.  Everything your telling me , i know.  Its just hard, cause when hes with Cole hes a great father.  he loves his son I know he does. he just has no common sense, and I cant help him anymore. i cant keep making up excuses for his behavoir, and I cant keep acting like nothing is going wrong, or that hes not doing wrong.  The fact that he was pinned down was not his fault, that was my sister and her boyfriend. they started all this. I love them to death and they were only trying to talk to him about **** that has happend and how they dont approve of it. but no serious talk like that should take place while everyone has been drinking, especially as much as we were drinking.  and they should have known that.  I dont care who you are, when your well over your limit, your not gonna take in simple words as "we need to talk" especially an egotistical man like Drew.  Im just waiting to hear what happens when he gets out, and what he has to say, he called me from jail last night, and so far all he saids is we beat him up for no reason, so already hes not taking responsibility for his actions.  His last DUI, invovled me and I got an MIP, that was before I even got pregnant. actually it happened 3 weeks before I found out i was pregnant.  

And I have my own job, but I waitress, so i depend on tips, I dont have a set income, and I have car payments and insurance and other bills, plus trying to help my mom with her bills.  And thats not the point i was trying to make. he is his father, so its his responsibility to help, if he dont have a job then I get no help, its not that I depend on him. I may depend on him emotionaly, but I have NEVER in my life depended on a guy finacially, i have had my own job since I was 14 years old.  

[DoulaSummer]

I haven't read what other people say, but seriously...what are you doing with this man?  There is no way you need to be with him, let alone with him and your child.  He is immature and abusive!

You did the RIGHT THING calling the cops.  He could have killed a family or himself.

You need to go file custody papers RIGHT AWAY.  You need to make sure not only does he pay child support, but that he doesn't get unsupervised visits with you son.  I don't care if you want to be around this abusive jerk, but your child needs protection.  When his dad shows that he can grow up and be responsible (2 DUIs, damaging people's property, hitting someone, etc is NOT responsible) then he can have time with his son.  There is financial help if you qualify.

[Sunkissed19]

get the hell outta dodge girlfriend!

[lil_lady25]

Isnt this the same guy that "got drunk and screwed your friend"? This is a bad situation to be in and I think you are smart enough to know that. Your boyfriend/ex boyfriend is bad news and is definitely not ready to be a father. Yes, Cole might be without a father for a few years but maybe that is what he needs to keep safe and for his father to mature. I wouldnt involve my child into that type of lifestyle until things changed. Not only do you need to be concerned with Cole's safety but also your own. You really need to keep these type of people out of your life. I was in a relationship with a guy for 4 1/2 years that was emotionally and physically abusive and yes you may think that you love them but trust me you would be so much better without them. I was strong enough to get out of a bad relationship and so are you - regardless if he is your sons father or not. In the last few years I have been so lucky to meet a man who treats me like a princess, who adores me and who is going to be the father of my children soon. I fee like the luckiest woman alive and thank God everyday. When you finally get out of that bad relationship you start realizing what people have said was true the whole time. I wish you the best and hope that you continue to keep yourself and your son safe.

[mami1323]

Then there needs to be some consequences ammanda or else he won't stop.  He needs to hit rock bottom.  Is this the type of life you want for yourself and for Cole?  Just act like you are one of your friends and they were telling this to you.  What advice would you give them?

[ammanda]

i know he needs to stop drinking, ive been telling him this forever and so has everyone else. he doesnt listen.  I

[mami1323]

I know you love him but love is an emotion and when you have a child you can't let love be the reason why you stay with someone who has a problem with alcohol.  If you love him enough, you will let him go and get the help he needs.  Ashelen is right you are enabling his behavior.  Re-read what you wrote...he didn't mean to hit me....he was being pinned down.  I mean, this isn't exactly a role model for your son.  Whether he is the father or not.  Being a real father is making sure you are mature and responsible and loving and provide a good and solid foundation for your child.  Supplying sperm is not a father.  I'm sure Drew has his good moments but until he's going to be a real father to his son by changing his bad behavior than he should be in Cole's life but supervised.  I wouldn't trust him otherwise.  Ammanda, I'm not saying don't love him but you allow him to behave this way and he knows it and nothing will change.  My other thing is, you can't count on Drew, you should find a way to be able to financially support you in Cole.  Whatever it is, you are too dependent on him and he's not exactly the most stable of providers.

[Ashelen]

Well my biggest problem with what you just said is "everyone knows how Drew is when he's drinking." then he needs to stop drinking. dont' go out with him because that's encouraging him to drink...tell everyone who's friends with him or loves him to stop enabling his bad behavior.

here's the thing about drinking...in my opinion it's a priveledge that you should only get if you can handle yourself while drinking. if you're violent and/or unable to control yourself, you do not have the right to go out and put other people in danger.

you're allowing him to do this...and making excuses by saying "he's just drunk"..that's wrong. what you should be saying is...he shouldn't be drunk in the first place if he's this violent. maybe getting another DUI will help, but I personally think he needs to go to rehab if he can't stop drinking and keeps getting violent...

love does not excuse violence and you ARE protecting your baby by what you did calling the cops....but if this happens again, what then? are you going to keep putting him in jail when he does this every time? he's got to stop drinking...

[ammanda]

he didnt intentially hit me in the face, he was pinned down by my sister and her boyfriend and i was kneeling over him trying to calm him down and his hands jercked up trying to get up, so it wasnt pon purpose.  I couldnt live with myself if he killed my son, thats why i didnt allow him to take him, thats why i called the cops.  This isnt all his fault, its my sisters boyfriends too.  everyone knows how Drew is when hes drinking, he likes to fight. my sisters boyfriend went wrong by saying. I have a problem with you. thats gonna tick Drew off and hes gonna go off. not saying its okay to do that, but he can have a great night, until someone says something. he is a very arragant person with a high ego.    An although I would love for him to sit and jail and pay the price for his mistakes, but i cant have him lose his job. Me and Cole need him to have a job. Cole needs things.  And yea I do love him, he is the father of my child, regardless of whether he deserves to be or not, Cole deserves his father. So if theres a way he can be out of jail and with his son, then Ill help. Im not spending a dime of my money to get him out, but I will help find a family member or a friend of his to.   Cole is my number one responsiblity. Hes my world. I wouldnt have him without Drew, so i cant just turn my back on him.  Hell yea im still pissed off at the situation and will be for awhile, but I dont turn my back on anyone. I always try to help anyone i can, regardless of what they have done to me or whatever.  Im just that type of person.  

[mami1323]

What bothers me the most about your post is the part where you said he punched you in the eye but it wasn't his fault because he was out of it.  The fact that he was that messed up that he didn't know he was punching the mother of his child in the face is scary in itself.  The fact that you are making excuses for it, is even scarier.  I'm not trying to be mean because I really think you have the best intentions for your son and even for Drew but you have to think about what's best for your child.  You can't make these types of mistakes in your relationship any more.  There is an innocent child at stake here who deserves the best life possible.  If his drunk father decides to take his son for a joy ride and gets Cole killed, could you live with yourself?  He has problems, well that's up to him to change his life.  You can't force someone to change, they have to want to do it for himself.  If he knows he has issues with alcohol then he shouldn't be going to hang out where there is alcohol.  I think he should get jail time, you mess up, you pay the price.  Regardless if you love him or not, he deserves to pay the price for his mess ups.  I would leave him where he is at, don't bother getting him out or being there for him.  He needs to own up to his disgusting behavior.  Your son is the only one you should be concerned with here.

[alaysha]

Girly I dont really know you that well on here but from everything you said about your boyfriend or ex boyfriend leads me to believe that he is a very physically and emotionally abusive person. These things do not magically get better they get worse. I think that you are very codependent on him right now and it scares me because Ive been there. Please stop seeing him, get a restraining order or something and get some help from an agency around you that deals in abuse. There is no reason you have to go through this. There are MILLIONS of great men out there that would love the chance to be with you but youll never see them if all your energy and focus is on trying to fix something that is broken beyond repair.

[smjmekg]

BTW, I don't mean to offend you or make you mad, you're awesome in my book, and you don't deserve anything he's putting you through! You're putting forth a lot of effort, but relationships can NOT be one-sided, it just doesn't work that way.

[smjmekg]

Isn't this the same person who wanted to leave you for another woman? Not to be mean, but why do you care so much? If he's screwing up so bad, he's not worth your time! You've got a baby boy to care for, and if and when his dad grows up and starts acting like a man...then ok. You're worrying too much about things that are out of your control.

In all honesty, you're a good person, better than me because you do care so much...I wouldn't, especially since this is DUI number two...I mean, what if he had Cole in the car with him, or you? He's LUCKY to get a DUI actually...it could have been MUCH worse. My friend's husband got killed last year when a drunk driver ran him over while he was on a bike pedaling to work. He really needs a slap in the face and to grow up. One of my ex's got 100% out of his DUI, and it p!ssed me off, even though we were together at the time, I thought he deserved jail time. DUI is not something to take lightly, and even though you feel bad for him...you shouldn't. Maybe this will be a wake up call for him, and he'll change some, which would be great. BUT he may not, and you have to be ready for that.

Sorry if I'm being mean, but people who drink and drive deserve a lot worse than they get IMO, and I think you should put him behind you, move on and have a better life.