depression

[demz159]

I have had depression before but never when I have been pregnant, I was on antidepressants for a year after having my daughter. The entire time I have been pregnant there have been ups and downs which is what you'd expect with your hormones. However for the past month I have been in a constant down. Me and my baby daddy split up two months ago, I have only now just come to terms that I'm going to be a single mum of a nearly two year old and a newborn. I am beyond scared, I am only 18, I had my life planned out when I was with baby daddy, I knew how and when I was going back to college, I knew how prepared i would be money wise, I knew that my children would have two parents around and that I could get the support I needed also. I knew that I wouldn't be raising two children on my own and that it would be equal, basically I knew I'd be okay. Now however I have none of that, I'm on benefits so I have pretty much no money, I don't have any idea on how or when I will be able to go to college, I will be doing every nightfeed, nappy change and running around after my nearly two year old. When they're both unwell it will be me dealing with it on my own. I have never been so frightened in my entire life. I cry every day, I have been having suicidal thoughts, I used to self harm and now I feel the urge to do so again, I still get up everyday and do everything I need to and I put a fake smile on my face and get through the day but as soon as my daughter is asleep I cry my eyes out and pray that I won't wake up in the morning. I love this baby inside me with all my heart but I feel myself blaming her for all my problems, if I weren't pregnant I'd be fine, I'd have my old life back even if I didn't have my baby daddy I know that I would cope without him because I wouldn't have 2 children to worry about I'd only have one and I could go back to how my life was and I really would be okay, I know that none of this is baby's fault she didn't ask to be brought into a world that was filled with sadness and guilt and she shouldn't be blamed for anything either. None of this is her fault, I know that. But I still can't help myself from wishing I had never fallen pregnant in the first place. I feel like a horrible person and mother for saying all of this but I need to get it out there. I need help. I know I do. But I don't want to take antidepressants again because I don't want anything hurting my little one inside of me. I can't speak to family or friends about it because it would be too painful to admit all of this to them. So that's why I'm turning to you ladies, because you are all strangers, none of you know me and I think I just need some outside advice, someone to talk to about my problems so please do not bash me. I know I have depression, I feel the way I did before. I do not want to end up hurting myself or become an irresponsible parent and turn to drugs or alcohol and end up neglecting my children. But I feel if I do not get any support just now then it will eventually turn into that and that's what I fear most. I'm sorry this post is so long. Can someone pray for me, speak to me, help me. Please

[demz159]

Thank you both, I have a had a good day today and have been in an extremely good mood surprisingly enough, I hope it continues. I've decided to cut out all of the negativity that people bring into my life, if they don't make me happy then they need to go. On the plus side my 20 month old daughter fell asleep all on he  own tonight without having a bottle of milk, she didn't throw up at all and only cried for about a minute at bed time, compared to her normal full on screaming and throwing up for 15 minutes every night this is a huge improvement and I am feeling overjoyed and so proud. Best way to end a day is in a good mood and I will be trying my hardest to do that every night and only think of positives instead of negatives from now on :)

[september21]

Im praying for you and your family.Im sorry times are tough right now and i pray god will help you at this hard time.

[B_Elizabeth]

I will pray for you and your children.  HOPE things will brighten up for you! You