Aa
Relationship problems- OT
Well, K & I are having BIG problems once again.. I think he wants to seperate, but hasnt "made the step" because he doesnt want to be away from our son. I am so unhappy. I wish I could flip a switch with him and make him more sensitive, and loving.. He just ISN'T.. I have not worked since we had our son (hes almost 9 months old) and have NO family in this state. I am afraid if we split, I will have to get some sort of assistance for a little while, and I am soooo against it. My family ALL has issues and I honestly couldnt stay with ANY of them. Does anyone know of any sort of assistance available for helping to find jobs and relocating for single Mom's without having to go on any type of welfare/assistance? I am hoping we try and work it out, but we have been trying for 2 years and have all the same problems we have always had. Any input is appreciated. Thanks.
I am on food stamps. I have applied for cash assistance which when I recieve them ex hubby will be held resposible to pay that back. I recieve no child support at all, well for now anyways. I covered that with the VA and will hopefully be getting $2200 a month out of his $3,082 dollar pay check. I also have the children and myself on medical assistance, and I have applied for help with childcare for Conner and for Aiden since he is only in school 3 days a week for 3 hours.
I haven't worked much being married to the ex, he made enough so I didnt have to, but when it comes to my 3 babies welfare I have redone my resume and I have been sending it out all over the place! It kills me that my 5 yr knows whats going on. He has told me he refuses to see his daddy until his daddy can get his head fixed. ex DH has PTSD from the war in Iraq. He also grew up with an a-hole father, and like I have recently found out, the apple doesnt fall far from the tree. It had gotten to the point where I had a loaded 9mm pistol to my head, with his other hand wrapped tightly around my neck choking me. He has verbally, physically, sexually and emotionally abused me. I have dealt with it for 5 yrs thinking that I must have screwed up somewhere down the road to deserve all this crud. Everytime something happened, it was my fault...I made him do it one way or another, so believing him I stayed and I did everything to try and not make him do these things to me, but it never changed.
We fought, he punched holes in the walls, called me names in front of my kids, and even called them names. We really never had a marriage, friendship or relationship now that I have had time to think about the passed 5 yrs. Dont get me wrong, I loved him with all my heart, one of the reasons why I did stay for so long, and I do still love him, and I always will...well to an extent. It took me to hit rock bottom to realize that what I have been going through was not my fault. I had a wonderful friend who yes is male, open up my eyes to everything. Ex DH was on medication for PTSD but he would go through a routine of taking the meds until he felt better and then would stop taking them. He never went to his counselor at the VA for additional help. He is a really really sick person, and the saddest part, is that he has been having an emotional and sexual affair with a woman I called my best friend...hell she even cut Michael's umbilical cord when he was born.
It stinks being alone to a point. But at the same time it feels good not feeling like I have to walk on egg shells in my own home. It feels good to be able to call a friend or family member and speak my mind without being screamed at. To sit in the bath and cry for no reason at all and not be called names or threatened feels wonderful. IF you decide to call it quits...you need to make sure you keep yourself busy all the time, do stuff with the kids, work, have a hobby...and most of all use the shoulder of a friend or family member when you need to vent or just cry. It does get easier...I felt 100% better after 2 weeks of him being gone. I used to dread going home when he was there...now I love coming home. I used to dread sleeping in the same bed, and be up till 3-4am, now I cant wait to crawl into my bed at the end of the night.
As far as the kids go, it will be hard for mine. They are old enough to understand that daddy isnt comming back...well Michael is. Aiden with Autism knows to an extent but not the extent that Michael knows. And Conner is young enough that in a few years, he wont think anything of the shared time between me and his dad. I have opted into seeing a counselor for me and the children. They will need all the emotional support they can get, and I will need all the help trying to emotionally support them, because although this is a second chance for me, and I feel good, the kids don't like it.
I wish you the best of luck...but NO WOMAN deserves to be treated like dirt, or disrespected in any way shape or form. If you allow this to continue....your kids will learn that disrespecting mommy, and women in general must be normal treatment if daddy did it to their mommy. That is what made me get out. I will be damned if my boys grow up thinking that beating their wives or girlfriends is how you are supposed to treat them. I know a failed relationship or marriage takes two to destroy it. I did what I could for 5 years and I finally decided to throw the towel in...I quit trying to save my marriage because he wasnt willing to help try and save it with me.
I haven't worked much being married to the ex, he made enough so I didnt have to, but when it comes to my 3 babies welfare I have redone my resume and I have been sending it out all over the place! It kills me that my 5 yr knows whats going on. He has told me he refuses to see his daddy until his daddy can get his head fixed. ex DH has PTSD from the war in Iraq. He also grew up with an a-hole father, and like I have recently found out, the apple doesnt fall far from the tree. It had gotten to the point where I had a loaded 9mm pistol to my head, with his other hand wrapped tightly around my neck choking me. He has verbally, physically, sexually and emotionally abused me. I have dealt with it for 5 yrs thinking that I must have screwed up somewhere down the road to deserve all this crud. Everytime something happened, it was my fault...I made him do it one way or another, so believing him I stayed and I did everything to try and not make him do these things to me, but it never changed.
We fought, he punched holes in the walls, called me names in front of my kids, and even called them names. We really never had a marriage, friendship or relationship now that I have had time to think about the passed 5 yrs. Dont get me wrong, I loved him with all my heart, one of the reasons why I did stay for so long, and I do still love him, and I always will...well to an extent. It took me to hit rock bottom to realize that what I have been going through was not my fault. I had a wonderful friend who yes is male, open up my eyes to everything. Ex DH was on medication for PTSD but he would go through a routine of taking the meds until he felt better and then would stop taking them. He never went to his counselor at the VA for additional help. He is a really really sick person, and the saddest part, is that he has been having an emotional and sexual affair with a woman I called my best friend...hell she even cut Michael's umbilical cord when he was born.
It stinks being alone to a point. But at the same time it feels good not feeling like I have to walk on egg shells in my own home. It feels good to be able to call a friend or family member and speak my mind without being screamed at. To sit in the bath and cry for no reason at all and not be called names or threatened feels wonderful. IF you decide to call it quits...you need to make sure you keep yourself busy all the time, do stuff with the kids, work, have a hobby...and most of all use the shoulder of a friend or family member when you need to vent or just cry. It does get easier...I felt 100% better after 2 weeks of him being gone. I used to dread going home when he was there...now I love coming home. I used to dread sleeping in the same bed, and be up till 3-4am, now I cant wait to crawl into my bed at the end of the night.
As far as the kids go, it will be hard for mine. They are old enough to understand that daddy isnt comming back...well Michael is. Aiden with Autism knows to an extent but not the extent that Michael knows. And Conner is young enough that in a few years, he wont think anything of the shared time between me and his dad. I have opted into seeing a counselor for me and the children. They will need all the emotional support they can get, and I will need all the help trying to emotionally support them, because although this is a second chance for me, and I feel good, the kids don't like it.
I wish you the best of luck...but NO WOMAN deserves to be treated like dirt, or disrespected in any way shape or form. If you allow this to continue....your kids will learn that disrespecting mommy, and women in general must be normal treatment if daddy did it to their mommy. That is what made me get out. I will be damned if my boys grow up thinking that beating their wives or girlfriends is how you are supposed to treat them. I know a failed relationship or marriage takes two to destroy it. I did what I could for 5 years and I finally decided to throw the towel in...I quit trying to save my marriage because he wasnt willing to help try and save it with me.
I'm sorry for you.
I can't imagine how I'd feel if that happened to me and my hubby.
I'm flat out, face-first head over heals for my hubby and I'd probably kill him if I caught him doing that.
Cuz it would kill me too.
But you pay taxes, you have the right to use some of that money.
Other ppl who DON'T NEED welfare and are on it cuz they dont feel like working like everybody else, have no problem using YOUR tax money.
I can't imagine how I'd feel if that happened to me and my hubby.
I'm flat out, face-first head over heals for my hubby and I'd probably kill him if I caught him doing that.
Cuz it would kill me too.
But you pay taxes, you have the right to use some of that money.
Other ppl who DON'T NEED welfare and are on it cuz they dont feel like working like everybody else, have no problem using YOUR tax money.
Didn't realize this was going on (and I won't say anything on FB) and I'm so sorry to hear this. I agree that being on welfare for a short amount of time is not a bad thing, just until you get on your feet! It's there FOR you. We were on it, as a married couple, our first year or two of marriage just so we could make ends meet. We're no longer on it. You never know what tomorrow holds!
Thanks ladies.. We shall see what happens.. We have lots of issues and stress (like everyone else) but our communication is horrible.. I may try and see if we can afford a family counselor if hes willing.. Its just so hard.. Ugh.
oh and btw, I had been a sahm prior to all that and hadn't worked in 4 years....so my resume really kinda stunk. BUT I pushed forward and found something that worked for me.
I agree with BTS. I also want to add that welfare/govt assistance is NOT a bad thing...it's there specifically FOR reasons like this. If you were to use it to get back on your feet there is NOTHING wrong with it. You have worked at some point in your life and you should be able to use some of your own tax dollars to help yourself out. That said....
I went through similiar **** with DH. We werearguing all the time, very unhappy....we were stationed overseas for a lot of it so there wasn't a whole lot i could do. Once back in the states things were ok for a bit, then he left the military and the stress turned him into a big fat jerk. More so than before...things HAD been physical...not majorly, but still were nontheless. It came down to one day we argued over how much i spent on groceries and the kids birthdays ($250 for THREE kids birthdays is too much? come on!) Anywya, it got physical...oldest dd got scared and called 911. They asked him to leave becuase he has family here and i don't. I literally knew NO ONE, we had JUST moved here. So he left...took my bank cards, check book everything. I had no money, no job, nothing but a house and bills to pay, 3 kids to take care of and a vehicle with no gas money to drive it. So I immediately went to social services and got emergency food stamps so my kids could atleast eat and i got them medical assistance. Childcare help had a waiting list. So I signed up with every temp agency in town and sent resumes to every place i could think of. I lucked into finding a babysitter who would work with me and actually charged me LESS in the beginning to help me out. I worked one 3 day temp job before being lead by the grace of God to the job I have now. During all this my mom gave me the last $1000 she could spare. That paid one months rent and a couple bills plus gas money. I called our bank and reported my debit card lost, they sent me a new one. Since my name was still on the bank account I took out half the money in it. Used it for bills. A few months later we reconciled and moved back in together....At first it was better then after a month went downhill again. I found a place, scrounged up money to pay first months rent and deposit, took a day off work while he was working, packed up everything i wanted, rented a uhaul and moved everything myself. I researched divorce in Georgia, did all the paper filing myself etc...I was able to file for free becuase of my limited income. Our divorce was final in Aug 2007. Up to the finalization of our divorce we had become civil to each other and started talking more and what not. We eventually got back togheter. But i made it perfectly clear to him that under no circumstances would i put up with his BS anymore. A couple times he started to slip and i let him have it. He finally realized he needed help with depression/mood disorder so he is now on mediciation....he has made about an 90% improvement from where he was.
Mind you I did all this without having a single friend or family member around. I could have moved back to Virginia to be with my mom but I opted not to for a couple of reasons. 1) I did still want my kids to be near their father and see him 2) i really hate virginia 3) the schools are much better here this is one of the few places in america where they haven't taken God out of schools or government, it's a smaller, quieter town with less crime etc.
Anyway, that's my story...but like bts the longer you wait the harder it gets. It's VERY hard on the kids...i think it's part of the reason my 6 yo has the anger issues she does.
IF your relationship has become abusive...(yes verbal abuse counts) you should contact your local womens shelter, they can help you. Even if you don't actually STAY at the shelter they usually have other resources.
I hope this somehow helps you!
I went through similiar **** with DH. We werearguing all the time, very unhappy....we were stationed overseas for a lot of it so there wasn't a whole lot i could do. Once back in the states things were ok for a bit, then he left the military and the stress turned him into a big fat jerk. More so than before...things HAD been physical...not majorly, but still were nontheless. It came down to one day we argued over how much i spent on groceries and the kids birthdays ($250 for THREE kids birthdays is too much? come on!) Anywya, it got physical...oldest dd got scared and called 911. They asked him to leave becuase he has family here and i don't. I literally knew NO ONE, we had JUST moved here. So he left...took my bank cards, check book everything. I had no money, no job, nothing but a house and bills to pay, 3 kids to take care of and a vehicle with no gas money to drive it. So I immediately went to social services and got emergency food stamps so my kids could atleast eat and i got them medical assistance. Childcare help had a waiting list. So I signed up with every temp agency in town and sent resumes to every place i could think of. I lucked into finding a babysitter who would work with me and actually charged me LESS in the beginning to help me out. I worked one 3 day temp job before being lead by the grace of God to the job I have now. During all this my mom gave me the last $1000 she could spare. That paid one months rent and a couple bills plus gas money. I called our bank and reported my debit card lost, they sent me a new one. Since my name was still on the bank account I took out half the money in it. Used it for bills. A few months later we reconciled and moved back in together....At first it was better then after a month went downhill again. I found a place, scrounged up money to pay first months rent and deposit, took a day off work while he was working, packed up everything i wanted, rented a uhaul and moved everything myself. I researched divorce in Georgia, did all the paper filing myself etc...I was able to file for free becuase of my limited income. Our divorce was final in Aug 2007. Up to the finalization of our divorce we had become civil to each other and started talking more and what not. We eventually got back togheter. But i made it perfectly clear to him that under no circumstances would i put up with his BS anymore. A couple times he started to slip and i let him have it. He finally realized he needed help with depression/mood disorder so he is now on mediciation....he has made about an 90% improvement from where he was.
Mind you I did all this without having a single friend or family member around. I could have moved back to Virginia to be with my mom but I opted not to for a couple of reasons. 1) I did still want my kids to be near their father and see him 2) i really hate virginia 3) the schools are much better here this is one of the few places in america where they haven't taken God out of schools or government, it's a smaller, quieter town with less crime etc.
Anyway, that's my story...but like bts the longer you wait the harder it gets. It's VERY hard on the kids...i think it's part of the reason my 6 yo has the anger issues she does.
IF your relationship has become abusive...(yes verbal abuse counts) you should contact your local womens shelter, they can help you. Even if you don't actually STAY at the shelter they usually have other resources.
I hope this somehow helps you!
It's possible that, thats what K might want. I know my soon to be ex husband wanted a divorce but never said anything. He instead moved me here to Iowa away from all my friends and family, while he was having an affair with my supposed to be best friend. Once I found out I immediately kicked him out...no questions asked. I found he had been having the affair since before Conner was born.
Now I am stuck in this god forbidden state where all his friends and family are, and having to file for divorce and custody. I have one friend in this mess, but I can only talk to him on the phone, because if seen with him, my ex husband will try to get me for adultry as well. It's a huge mess, and it stinks. But things in my relationship yurned abusive. He got frusterated, because he was unhappy and wanted out but didnt want to leave the kids, so he abused me...to make me leave, and now he rubs it in my face and my 5 yr olds face that mommy left daddy, mommy doesnt love daddy and so forth.
All im saying is that if things arent going good....get out while you can. Get out before baby is 5 or 6 years old. The younger they are the easier it is for them.
Now I am stuck in this god forbidden state where all his friends and family are, and having to file for divorce and custody. I have one friend in this mess, but I can only talk to him on the phone, because if seen with him, my ex husband will try to get me for adultry as well. It's a huge mess, and it stinks. But things in my relationship yurned abusive. He got frusterated, because he was unhappy and wanted out but didnt want to leave the kids, so he abused me...to make me leave, and now he rubs it in my face and my 5 yr olds face that mommy left daddy, mommy doesnt love daddy and so forth.
All im saying is that if things arent going good....get out while you can. Get out before baby is 5 or 6 years old. The younger they are the easier it is for them.
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