Ok I am worried I may take after my dad, he was a paranoid Schizophrenic and was sectioned. My nan suffers mental health problems also as does my sister, brother and mum.
I hallucinate often when things aren't really there...like seeing people following me a lot and running from them...but then they disappear? It makes me so paranoid as I keep seeing things and then they disappear, I sometimes think maybe I am in a dream and it makes me question whether I am able to die and so I feel invincible, because unless they are ghosts then what is happening?...
I'm so confused, I have panic attacks daily as I have this big black cloud which follows me everywhere and surrounds me and tries to possess me by getting inside me and taking over, I'm scared it will gain control and make me do things I don't want to do...Sometimes I can't get rid of it and it's suffocating me and so I have to kill it by cutting it out of me even though it hurts myself, it's the only way. I don't want it to take over me, I'm so terrified of it and it has all these faces and talks down to me. It gets in even through keyholes and I can't fight it because how can you fight a cloud? It's like poisonous gas.
It is often conjured by a voice which follows me telling me I am nothing and making me not trust anyone and think all the time something bad will happen, showing me bad things that could happen so I'm constantly paranoid and seeing situations or things which aren't there apparently. I feel like I am blind because I see with my own eyes and everyone else is telling me there is nothing. I argue with the voice but it's really nasty and always wins. I don't know who it is, it's like the cloud and its trying to manipulate me by morphing into someone else as a disguise.
I can't even trust my loved ones sometimes if they get irritable or angry I feel like the cloud has possessed them and that I'm in danger because they could actually physically beat me up or kill me with a knife etc...I feel so bad it's not them I don't trust it's when they are possessed...It terrifies me and I feel trapped, I am scared they will devour me like a cannibal because I feel like the cloud is trying to take and devour my soul and take over my body...tricking everyone into thinking it's me and ruining my life and relationships. So often I'll be untrusting even to my lover who I trust 100% when hes not possessed.
The cloud will often confuse me and manifest into other things like bees, and when it gets inside of me they are all buzzing in my head and I am scratching my head hard trying desperately to get them out as they are trying to sting me and it hurts so bad and they're stuck there going so fast...I feel like I need to make a hole for them to get out before I die. I can feel them but then again...all these things dissapear eventually when I feel ok again or calm...it's like they get sucked out when I start to feel stronger so I know I can abolish them but it's usually only when I cut my arms or when my partner is around and not possessed. It's like he puts a protective ring around me with all his love.
Because of the voice I think everyone is against me and out to get me and it makes me not go out often and so I stay in my house for days on end. I avoid situations and I feel alone too much. I just want to be normal and not be put own all the time by this thing and not be attacked 247. What the hell is this? I know I have really extreme anxiety and paranoia too because if it's heavy rain at night for example I am terrified as to me it's someone trying to hammer their way into the room to kill me. I know there is something wrong purely because no1 else has these issues around me and my partner is constantly telling me how worried he is. I'm seeing a therapist on Wednesday but I am worried they'll just be against me as I think everyone thinks bad of me and am obsessed with being perfect, I feel like the doctor doesn't understand, she just tells me I can get rid of it and am in control but it's not as simple as that. I wouldn't have these problems if that was the case and yes I try but I need help to get rid of it.
I was sexually abused and groomed as a child by my dad, I witnessed extreme violence by my dad to my mum for 10 years and I've self harmed since the age of 8. I've been raped twice in adulthood and sexually abused and harassed on numerous occasions. I was psycologically abused by my first boyfriend and manipulated for 4 years. I used to be a heavy alcoholic...now I am on the mend but all the coping mechanisms I used were bad and now without them I'm so vulnerable to attack. I'm taking 20meg of Fluoxotine for Depression and Anxiety but I don't feel it's doing much. The reason I drank was to kind of tranquelize me so I wasn't so worried and panicy...I guess I have less attacks but still, it's gone from 2-3 a day to 1 every 3-4 days. Still bad enough really.
I wish I knew what was wrong with me does anyone else suffer anything similar to these symptoms?
I didn't suffer from the exact same things but before I was stabilized I suffered from similar things and many other things which you didn't touch base on which I won't really get into (all you need to know is that they're similar and everyone experiences the same mental illness differently) and one diagnosis out of the two that I have is the same as your father's. It sounds like an atypical antipsychotic might do you a world of good. You need to tell a psychiatrist all of this stuff, maybe your therapist can refer you to a decent one if you don't have one already.
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