I am not sure I have the right words. Recently, I got over my fear of going to the gym...It took a lot of prompting from my bf - it's something he enjoys and I wanted to comprimise with him. I have my insecurities of course, but for myself and out relationship I had to deal with them. So, a few weeks ago I just went for it. And those feelings of insecurity are far outweighed by my relief and pride in myself for sticking to it. I actually enjoy it. I think just crossing the threshold of that fear is the best way to deal with it head on. To just look straight ahead, regardless of where others are looking and do it for yourself!
and this is always good for a laugh: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/gym
may the strength you need come and lift you up ~much love~
Thank you so much for your love, kind words, wisdom and laughter.
Okay, deep breath, here goes...************((((((((((((((((TRIGGER)))))))))))***********************************************************************************
Back in June my T suggested this other web support group for me. I joined and it felt safe and relationships formed. I also at my T's request, joined a live support group against my better judgement. Drama and trauma from the live group, infilterated the online group. Now both have left me feeling alone, uncertain of everything. I feel so much guilt, shame, sadness, for having my online group torn apart, trying to heal from attacks on me that flowed out onto everyone there. Then, This woman in my live group and I became friends. With all of the attacks against me, this woman and I, comfronted the group, leaders, our T's, etc... The solution: They asked her, this friend of mine not to return! Yet those who created all of these issues both on and offline for me are allowed to remain. I just do not understand.
After 45 years I finally let my walls down... reach out for help and for hope only to have society, systems, government, loopholes and bent rules and illogical circumstance continue to invalidate me and instill apon me how I do not matter and how everyone would be better off if I were not around.
I feel afraid to get close to anyone because I fear others will always be hurt, just by associating with me. I hate this. I hate being me. I hate this life.
I find myself self harming several times throughout the day now. I'm sinking fast and do not know where to turn, who to trust.
I had been trying to reply to you but couldn't figure out what was wrong -- everything wasn't responding to me and then I figured it out -- I hadn't logged in. (duh!!)
If I'm not mistaken, you just did what you said you feared -- opening up. I'm glad you were able to get past your fear. I'm sorry that this has worked out so badly for you. Trusting is a hard thing to do and you seem to have trusted and then have it turn out badly for you. That's got to be hard.
Is there any way you can use some skills to help you with your self-harming behavior? Distraction, thought stopping, calling someone (a crisis line, a friend)? If you get through one hour, one minute with a victory over yourself, that's one more minute you have turned positive in what could be a very negative situation. I have faith in you -- things can turn around one step at a time.
Argh. i know that feeling too. letting your walls down only to get burned again. but looking back, i learned who was trully supportive and learned some things about myself along the way. It is not a good place to feel alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I try to keep that and other lil mantras with me when the dark creeps in. Your butterflies are with you. We are here.
I apologize. My computer seems to continue to lock up as of late.
LLt, you made me smile as I'm often having "duh" moments. Like sitting at a stop sign waiting for a nonexistant light to turn green.
I do not know how I feel about calling a crisis line or reaching out, now. I know longer know who to trust, who is supportive and if I can even accept the support from others. I do not want anyone else to be hurt because of me. Letting others in, would mean putting others at risk of being hurt because of me, butterflies included.
The CBT/DBT skills do not seem to be working. So I have engaged in the old familiar only it seems I have to sh many times throughout the day. My triggers are at an all time high. All of this has brought up so much in me.
One of the things I keep telling people who ask me is that even though I've learned the DBT skills (to the point of it being nauseatingly familiar), I have to use the DBT skills to really make a difference. Knowing and using are two entirely different things. When I'm not using them, then I agree -- they aren't helpful.
But if I'm using them and actually putting them into action instead of hoping they will work for me (not saying that you do this, just saying that I do this), then they do work. It's just putting them into action.
I have a difficult time believing in DBT, CBT, maybe this is why they are not working. I also have issues with not wanting to manage my problems, I want them fixed, Even if the reality is: I can not be fixed.
I am broken by what others have done to me. My health, every aspect of my being and I'm told I need to learn to manage to live like this?
I'm told my thinking is "rigid" and maybe this is so... but my thoughts are based on the reality of what I know to be the truth.
It is also difficult when everything triggers me. What may work to distract me for a few minutes, may trigger me the next and then I spiral down into the flashbacks, the daymares, the nightmares, not knowing what is real...not having any hope.
I truly just can not seem to find a reason for being. I have nothing to look forward to, except growing older, more decrepete/disabled, more pathetic. More years of living in this hell that is within me and without me, that never leaves me be.
I need to know if the life after death is just a continuation of the hell we are already in, a worse hell, or something better... I think it's this not knowing that keeps me SHing so as to avoid the ultimate SI action. Once I know... then I can make that final choice...
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