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Guilt and Pain
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Guilt and Pain

I was sexually abused from the time I was one til I was eight.  Needless to say, I'm messed up sexually.  I didn't start having consensual sex until I was nineteen.  I'd have sex for a while, a few months to a year, then I would feel so bad about myself that I would abstain for up to seven to ten years at a time.  Then I would repeat the cycle.  I would be permiscuous for about a year, then give it up.  Of course, I pick the wrong men, abusive or alcoholic or manipulative and definitely all users (of me).  I have been going to weekly counseling and group for almost 5 years.  I am getting better but was sexually active for a year, and am now trying to give up sex, again.  I really want to be healed enough to have a healthy loving relationship before I have sex again.  But, one of my questions or worries is, that even IF this happens, if I get into a real relationship that is not based on sex, will I still feel guilty and dirty, and ashamed when I have sex with someone I love, and someone who loves me?   I expect to continue counseling for as long as it takes to be able to have a real relationship, but I am worried about it.   (P.S. the only time I didn't feel guilty or ashamed of having sex was when I was with my son's father.  It was a sex based relationship, too, but the sex was amazing--multiple orgasms, and I never felt bad about that sex,  I only wanted it more and more, but the rest of the sex I've had during the last 20 years, none of it has been too satisfying- and has left me with these negative feelings.  Maybe it will all depend upon if the sex is satisfying?   Another problem is that the sex when I was little was very painful, so now I associate pain with orgasms.  Sometimes it's the only way I can orgasm.  (and yes, I'm talking to my therapist about this too)  but am worried that IF i find that loving relationship, I will only be able to orgasm with pain.   Please help.    Maybe I should just stay abstinent.   I also feel guilt when I masterbate (not often) and it definitely takes pain to orgasm.   I don't want to be a massichist.   Please please help.    
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For the first time in 40 yrs I have finally told my whole story to my doctor my counsellor my daughter and my husband,My doctor and counsellor both explained that the things I did as I grew up were due to the warped introduction I had to sex,When my abuser,(my brother who was 10 years older than me sexually abused me from the ages of 7 to 10)left home I tried to have a sexual relationship with my other 2 brothers both older than me,they wouldn't they said brothers and sisters don't do that.I felt hurt because I didn't understand,I felt rejected,at age 12 the worst year of my life I actually touched a much younger boy inappropriately I was baby sitting he was upset I thought it would comfort him,after I realised how wrong it was and I thought I was becoming just like my brother who abused me I tried to commit suicide,By the time I was 14 I was drinking heavily I met a woman who was 28 I used to baby sit for her (and no I never touched another child again)She introduced me to many men aged between 25 and 55 they all had sex with me including her,often more than one at a time, it was concensual and I felt loved and I was getting attention again.This went on for approx 2 yrs,then I met my husband at 16 of course I was going to have sex with him the first time we went out,but he wouldn't,he wanted to get to know me as a person not just someone to have sex with,He said he wanted to love me before we took it to that level.Yes we're still married 29 yrs this year.Partly because of the abuse I became a heavy drinker at 14 was an alcoholic probably the whole time,and I became addicted to codeine by age 26.In the end I was drinking 3 to 4 x 1 litre bottles of bacardi per week and 18 to 24 x 10 mg codeine per day.I was sent a post that really pissed me off, they said there's nothing wrong having sex with your siblings that it's only society's attitudes that make us think it's wrong.I am dealing with everything at once,the abuse,the alcohol and the codeine 100 days clean.  Denise

Sent by Elsone Dec 05, 2009 08:11PM
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This is how I'm feeling 3 months into intensive therapy

I had my counselling session on Thursday  using relaxation meditation and light hypnosis,I was able to remember feelings and emotions, I was able to connect with the 7 yr old,some people on this forum have had such good advice through my journey I thought I would share my experience with you,don't feel sorry or pity for me this is the best thing I've ever done it has answered many things I'd blocked out.


It's not easy to get in the relaxed meditative state,and you really need to have trust in the person that's helping you,For me It's working really well It's hard because it brings everything out in the open again things I've tried not to think about but all that meant was I hadn't dealt with them,I'll be honest with you today I saw and felt what the 7yr old was enduring,I had always blamed her and I actually thought she must of enjoyed it because she never said anything.I've always remembered what he did to me but I had blocked out my emotions and feeling,As of today I know exactly what I was feeling,It hurts to write this but I know eventually it will help me,Through the tears she was in pain it hurt, a 7yr olds vagina and mouth are not meant for penises,I'm sorry this is blunt and to the point,but I learnt a lot today about how strong I must have been.Believe or not it has actually helped me,It's like a weights been lifted.And I'm going to be Okay.Thanks for listening,Every telling makes it that little bit easier.
I can now say honestly I don't blame the little girl anymore and for the first time I love her with all my heart.
  I have no regrets in living through what was hard to get my feelings and emotions back in balance.  Denise

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My question to you is. Are you seeing a therapist that deals with sexual problems ?  
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I don't think he has been specifically trained for sex problems, meaning he's not a sex therapist, but he is a therapist who deals with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder and hurt themselves.  I'm borderline, and I hurt myself sexually like others cut themselves.   I have the same motives they do, I just release my pain by causing pain sexually, where others cut (arms, etc).  So I am learning to stop hurting myself.   I haven't used a knife for almost a year (Dec 18) because of the counseling and the DBT therapy.   I still hurt myself when masturbating to have an orgasm,(sometimes) but not like before.   I really don't think there are any sex therapist in the area.  I'm from a small town 2 hours away from any metropolis.  I think I still have to work through some more pain of the abuse, then maybe I won't need to inflict the pain on myself.   Truthfully, this hurting myself sexually is like an alcoholic's addiction, it's something I crave.  My therapist told me I identified with the abuser in order to survive, so now I am the abuser of me.  I've gotten rid of a lot of the pain, so maybe there is hope I will be able to end it all, someday.        
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Thanks for the comments.   My grandfather also taught us children to sexually abuse each other.  When I was about 12, I molested a nine year old.  She and I were playing.  Both of us wanted to mess around sexually, but I put my finger into her vagina.   It scared me.  I didn't even realize what I was doing until it was done.   I quickly stopped and have never done something like that again.  I felt so guilty, and so afraid I was going to get in trouble.  I still worry about that girl (woman now) and hope I didn't scar her the way I was scarred.  This is why children who are sexually abused HAVE to be given treatment, so they don't grow and do the same to others.  I think it's great you are 101 days clean now.  You are very brave.  It's never too late to have a good life.  I also think it's great you love your inner child.  I'm still working on that.  I've hated myself for so long (suicidal since 4) that it's taking time to love me, but I am beginning.   I also have days, and several days in a row where I'm not suicidal, and that's a big deal to me, a great change.  
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I noticed you said in your mood tracker your worried about saying too much in your posts.You can send a personal message to me then no-one on the forum can read it.Only I will be able to access it and if you see what I've posted you don't have to worry about anything you share with me,also I live in Australia so there is no way I'll find out who you are,whatever you say will go no further than me as you already know I've done things I'm not proud of but when you've had a warped introduction to sex you don't really know any better. Hugs  Denise
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