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Addicted to porn
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Addicted to porn

A few years ago I discovered my husbands porn addiction. And it made my heart race, and I was more hurt then mad.  We fought about this for awhile and he finally admited that he was addicted to sex.  He of course blamed his porn viewing on that we dont have enough sex.  So we went from 1-2x a week to 4-5 wk.  Last month (thanksgiving) I found that he had been viwing more websites and deleting the history.  I was disgusted and he blew up, cried, said he was sorry, and he would stop.  Of course I beleive him until last night.  All I had to do was click on "back" in the browser and came up porn websites.  I guess i am on of those women that hate it.  I feel its degrating to women.  I feel insure about myself as well.  I cant seem to let this go.  Last night he celebrated new years eve without me b/c i was to hurt to be with him.  I feel like this is ruining my marriage and he wont stop.  Therapy could help but we dont have the exta money.  We have been married for 6 years now and its tearing me apart.  IPlease help i'm starting to lose it!!
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36 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_m_tn
you know if that,s what he wants to look at that then let him don,t ask don,t tell he is with you and the porn thing it will fade also you should not look at were he has been hes is a good man and no matter how much porn he look,s at  he always comes home to you don,t fight with him about it it,s a man thing  
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Avatar_m_tn
agree with harold990..
Dont take it seriously...  Looks like you need to know more about men ..
Just let it go and dont be mad at him..  and ask him politly  .. he might reduce watching ..  He would be still watching but less and less..
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484465_tn?1347117312
lol i had to laugh when you said you began having even more sex.  yeah, that will fix it! :)

but seriously, he's just really sexy and there's nothing you can do about it.  porn is only degrading for the women and men who are dumb enough to participate in the production of it.  poor things, how degrading for them to feel the need to stoop that low to have to strip, bare all, and hump the day away for a paycheck...
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Avatar_m_tn
Personally I agree with you. I HATE PORN! When you are in a relationship with someone, they should be true to you. If my lover masturbates to porn, I feel like he has cheated on me because you're letting out sexual energy on someone else (ie the people in the movie). My boyfriend has had a porn addiction since he was 12 years old. I tried forever to get him to stop... and we normally have sex AT LEAST once a day (for 3 years now) because we're both so horny. That still wasn't enough though. He's currently getting help, but I don't have high hopes honestly. I would strongly recommend the book "The Porn Trap" by Wendy and Larry Maltz. There are other books out there that can also do a lot of good, but he has to be willing to change first, or it's a waste of money. Go to your bookstore and find one that's right for the two of you. Read them with him and discuss each chapter. Make him do the exercises and answer the questions HONESTLY. There are also porn addiction groups, although there aren't very many. If you two are religious, joining a church group or getting involved with religious counseling (free) could help. Porn addiction is a terrible problem in our society. It only makes people want what is impossible to achieve, and partners feel like they can't live up to their mate's fantasies. Porn is fake, unrealistic, stupid, humiliating, degrading, media-induced brainwashing TRASH. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It is NOT natural, and I AM a man. To the two men who answered first, there is no excuse. "if that's what he wants to look at then let him." HELL NO! "magz," you have EVERY right to your man's sexuality... exclusively. You should not have to be one of many women in his fantasies, regardless of whom he comes home to. You're still not the only one to him, but it sounds like he's the only one to you. I know how this feels. I've been there. I've been hurt by porn too many times, and even by a past partner cheating on me that was brought on by porn. Porn desensitizes and can lead to cheating because the more they do it, the less wrong it feels. They move from reading erotica, to watching normal porn, to hardcore, to meeting people online that like the same thing or justify watching it...etc. I think you get where I'm going with this, so keep your eyes open! It is a very big problem and something needs to be done. It does sounds like it is ruining your marriage because he's even trying to hide it from you. That's lying. Such awful acts should not be tolerated. Your husband needs to be a REAL man, unlike the jerks on here who will tell you it's ok to do that. It seems like one of the most difficult things to stop, so if you want to stay with him, be prepared and be determined! I'm sorry I can't offer you more advice. If I had more advise, I would use it myself for my own similar problem. Best of luck to you.
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Avatar_m_tn
Also, talk to him about it... especially if you get visual aids like the books I mentioned, but try your hardest not to appear mad. I know you will feel terribly angry inside at what he might reveal to you, but if you blow up, he'll shut himself up. This is just from my personal experience. My boyfriend hasn't looked at porn in a few months, so it IS possible to break the habit. I still hurt from it, and I'm still worried that he'll go back to it at any given day, but you can only be understanding and seek outside help. Sometimes a guy doesn't want to listen to his partner because he's used to what she or he has to say. Getting something like a book, or finding a group of people with similar problems could help show him that his actions are indeed hurtful and wrong. Sometimes it just takes an outsider to prove everything you're trying to tell him (even if they say the exact same thing). It's terrible, but true. If he loves you, he'll stop and devote himself to you by doing whatever it takes to quit the habit.
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Avatar_m_tn
There are usually some sliding scale clinics could you guys find one of those for counseling?
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228936_tn?1249097848
Porn is not a harmless "guy" thing. I don't know any guys now that view it these days and it's a problem that needs to be adressed , not swept under the rug. Porn is made by criminals and inteded to be addictive.
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Avatar_f_tn
Have you ever tried to watching it with him to see what it is he is looking at? Sorry to say its not always about men watching women, but men watching men trying to keep their true attractions in the closest so to speak. Instead of acting on their impulses, they watch porn and masterbate and get their satisfaction from that. If, you truly are hurt and want to know all the reasons why, be prepared for what you really find out. Good luck.
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Avatar_f_tn
He obviously loves you - that is why he married you and that is why he is still with you. Sex isn't everything and you both have different rates of sex drive. Surely looking at porn is a lot less harmful than picking up STD's from prostitutes. Please try to accept him for what he is - he obviously still finds you sexy or he wouldn't be able to maintain an erection and make love to you. Believe me, it is impossible for a man to maintain a good erection if he does not find his partner attractive. Under those circumstances he would find every excuse in the book not to make love to you.

I have been married to the same woman for 35 years - she is a bright intelligent teacher and I love her dearly. However, my sex drive has always been a lot more powerful than hers and she has accepted my masturbation. There are things that she still does not know about me but she knows that I use porn as a stimulus because it just makes masturbation easier for a man.

For a man, masturbation is a neccessary release mechanism and there is not much else involved other than the pleasure of orgasm. Making love to you will give him far more, on every level, than masturbation does.

There is no doubt that men see sex in a different way to women. What a man may think nothing of can very well hurt his female partner. Men are more obvious in sex (more superficial if you like) whereas women tend to think more deeply and act more advisedly. I am generalising now and I am not trying to make excuses but these differences do exist.

Married couples are never in exact synchronisity - that's just life. In the end it all boils down to one question: Do you love each other? If the answer is truly yes - then everything else can be worked out!
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Avatar_m_tn
You're not being loyal to your wife by masturbating to porn either... just like this poor woman who posted this. Do you have no concern for how it makes her feel? Your wife accepts your lack of loyalty... different strokes for different folks. For those of us who want our partners to be all ours (male or female, doesn't matter), as you would probably expect from your wife, I don't think that's too much to ask. Sure, women usually have a lot less sex drive than men. That is a fact indeed, as you pointed out. But if a man truly finds his wife attractive, why does he have to masturbate to OTHER people? Why can't you masturbate to your wife? You have to admit, that if you can't do that, you're not as attracted to her as you say. Years ago I watched porn mindlessly for about an hour or more every day senselessly masturbating until I realized what I was doing. Even if you only do it once, you're still letting off some of your sexual energy on someone else. That's called CHEATING, and it hurts people like the woman who posted this because they want the same loyalty they give their partners in return. I agree that we men need to masturbate... it is a NEED yes. But, you can still masturbate to your lover. Also, did you ever think of the fact that even though the guy can still keep an erection for his wife, that he could be fantasizing about other women to keep that erection? It is pretty common for people to pretend their lover is someone else to spice things up if they're bored, or just plain addicted to porn. If you and your wife have reached an agreement that you can mentally cheat on her because you're more horny, that's your relationship and your deal. I think your wife deserves better!!
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Avatar_f_tn
This strand is not about me - its about trying to help Magzs1112 which I have tried to do in a reasonable way.

Anyone can see things in black and white like you do - it is so easy to condemn and be negative. However, kind constructive comments are worth their weight in gold.

I didn't start this strand so it is not very intelligent of you to go off at a tangent and attack me when this is all about supporting Magz1112.
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492898_tn?1222247198
I completely agree with anally lost. You don't know anything about him, or his wife. And, as he said, this wasn't about him. he commented in a wonderfully supportive, open and honest manner.

You did nothing like that except lecturing how bad anyone is who was like, and did like, you did until you were 'reborn' to perfection.
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Avatar_f_tn
As a postscript to my last post above: Please do not mis-quote me! I have never stated, anywhere, that "Women usually have a lot less sex drive than men."

I just don't know where you get your "facts" or opinions from!

If you want to continue this argument please start a new strand so that Magz1112 is not completely hijiacked!
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Avatar_m_tn
Is it just me, or did magz state that she wanted her husband to stop? What's wrong with agreeing with her that he should stop? If she thinks porn is wrong, why would you give advice saying it's okay? "Please try to accept him the way he is." If magz doesn't think it's acceptable, then it's not acceptable. She said she feels insecure about herself and wants him to stop. Stopping is not too much to ask. I've been there, done that, as a result of the exact same behavior. I feel empathy for her situation. My partner masturbating to porn for whatever reason makes me feel like I'm not very attractive, or else I would be the source of masturbation (again as I stated earlier, this issue seems to be resolving, so it can be done). If she's hurt by it as she indicated, then she shouldn't have to put up with the behavior and her husband is being dishonest to her by hiding his habit... and your response is to just try to accept it. There is something wrong with that. I am very offended. That is why I criticized you.

I also criticize people when they contradict themselves which usually indicates some sort of untruth (and if you're wondering where that came from: experience). Untruths (lies, misunderstandings, etc.) chill me to the very bone. That is where I mentioned if you are so attracted to your wife, why do you need to masturbate to other people having sex. If magz's husband is being dishonest about his problem, there is definitely a problem with trust.

Katarina, I am utterly disgusted with your response. It is useless. I have every right to express my opinion in a mature manner, and I will. If you don't like it, don't read it. You didn't even try to help magz, and at this point, she does need help. At least anallylost did try. Apparently you didn't read my post anyway. I advised her to get a book, gave an example of a good one that helped my partner and me, church counseling if she's religious which is free since she can't afford couple's counseling, etc. That is useful information that you either failed to read or remember. If I just came on here to rant, I'd do it elsewhere, but I offered solid advice from my own experience. I thought sharing my opinion about porn (since it seems similar), which you call lecturing, would comfort her in knowing that she is not alone. She feels like it degrades women and I agree with her. It literally pains me to hear about someone who suffers from the same problem I do with my own partner, so yes that does make me bias. When I read anallylost's response, it didn't seem to me like he understood that she can't deal with (or accept) her husband watching porn (she said she's starting to lose it, which is perfectly understandable to me), so that advice isn't really "worth it's weight in gold" because it is not a feasible solution.

I'm not attacking anyone here as a human being. I am attacking the act of watching porn and supporting a multi-billion dollar brainwashing industry that has the power to hurt others as a means of releasing sexual energy. Do please see the difference. I am an honest, loyal and faithful man who hates to see others suffer the same things I have suffered - men and women alike can be victims of porn. I merely mentioned my "rebirth," so that anallylost wouldn't think that I'm just a sheltered individual who has never done anything wrong or adventurous... hint... I'm not "perfect" as you think I implied, katarina. Also, I do know a little something about anallyhost. I know that he watches porn instead of giving a full 100% of his body and soul to his wife, and his wife is okay with that. Sure, it's not much, but it's something. You said I know nothing. Think your words through before you use them. Besides, you added absolutely nothing to the point of this post. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. I was trying to help magz, however, I do not believe the solution is to try to accept it. If I did, I would have left my two cents that I typed earlier as is. This post was supposed to be about helping magz, not anallylost and not me.

To anallylost: I re-read your post where you say you didn't say women have a lower sex drive. You are correct, and I do apologize for misquoting you. I hope you can forgive me for that mistake. I have nothing against you as a person, and like I said earlier, different strokes for different folks. To answer a few things: As for not being very intelligent, I find that hilarious. As for supporting magz, that's exactly what I was doing by criticizing you, because your only proposed solution is the one which she cannot do, and that is to accept what her husband is doing. As for where I get my information/opinions... look it up. The divorce rate in America is at an all time high. Find statistics about divorces and their causes, etc. Talk to people (especially divorced wives) who went to hell and back because their husband cheated on them... and why (events that led to it). Look up the porn industry and find out the horror and victimization you are supporting by using it. Read a few books on it. Porn makes masturbation easier for a man? Why do you think this is? Those naked bodies of strangers turn you on (and other men who watch porn) because men are usually visual. This is lust. Dare I quote the Bible on this one? I am a Christian and the words, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" means something to me. When you masturbate to another woman (as in porn), you are looking at her lustfully, are you not? If not, how do you explain being aroused by it? This is where I get my concept that it is wrong, along with the fact that I want my other half to be all mine (and likewise the same from me). America's morals are dwindling away. I know I'm not about to even come close to changing anyone's minds, and people can think of a million reasons to justify what they do. That doesn't make it right, however I'm not here to fight with anyone. That's pointless, immature and no one wins. Good luck to you magz.
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Avatar_f_tn
In answer to your question: Magz1112 doesn't actually state that she wants her husband to stop. She states that it makes her feel disgusted with him and (I think that she meant) insecure about herself, that it could cause the breakdown of her marriage and that she might be cracking up!  These are all very serious emotions.

That she has caught her husband, he has promised to stop several times but obviously cannot keep to that promise ought to make alarm bells ring in your brain and reply in a deeper way than the very obvious "Black and white" response that you have made.

Your advice is confrontational and, quite frankly, is more likely to split this marriage up than keep it together!

You have a strong personal moral and Christian code, which is very admirable, but you are getting very close to "Fundamentalism". In certain situations you have to accept that people will not, and cannot, adhere to a course of action favoured by you. What you say may seem to have perfect logic but, just as there are many glitches in computer programmes, the human brain is imperfect too. In my opinion it is far better to propose a course of action which is kind, concilliatory, and understanding of the needs of both parties where compromise and effort, from both sides, is the key to resolving the issue.

As a Christian you must believe in marriage and that it should be worked at by both partners equally. It is not about mind-control with one partner dominating the other. As I said in my original response (that you sought to criticise) it is about love! If they really love each other they can come to understand each other and work through their problems. My reply sought to reassure the lady so that she shouldn't feel so insecure about herself and I tried to give her more of an unbiased insight into what can sometimes be the failings of the male psychology.

She is not wrong to be angry with him when he has made her promises that he clearly cannot keep so, in my opinion, it is better to recognise why he cannot keep those promises and that it is not a reflection upon her own percieved lack of sexuality. I think that she wouldn't be so unhappy if she could be sure that the situation was not a reflection upon her, which it probably isn't, and that his use of porn is not necessarily a statement that he finds other women more attractive than her!

You insult and offend me by asking: "If I am so attracted to my wife why do I need to maturbate to other people having sex". Try reading and actually understanding my original reply - the answer is already there if you had bothered to read it properly!

You also insult Katarina777. Perhaps her response touched a nerve with you! When she said that you knew nothing about my wife or my marriage she was so right! My wife and I are both University-educated professionals with successful careers so we are not exactly daft! We were engaged for two years and have now been married for 35 years and we have always had a good sex life but she has always accepted that my needs are greater than hers in that respect. It does not worry her. She accepts that masturbation is a natural form of release and that, for a man, it is more mechanical/physiological than psychological. OK, I'm a wanker, so what! I have never been tempted to leave my wife or live with another woman. When I use porn as a stimulus for my masturbation I often imagine it is my wife that I am making love to. Sometimes I am re-living my wife and I having quite daring sex together on a continental beach in the hot sunlight whilst we were on holiday - this thought really turns me on. When I see a naked woman on a two dimensional piece of paper I can think that she is very good looking but I know nothing about her personality - I couldn't love her. She could be the most awful person in the world!

Love is what it is all about!

My wife and I have always loved each other very much and, most importantly, we have been good mates too - sharing each other's work problems in great detail and sharing many of each other's interests. Neither of us are into mind-control or trying to dominate the other psychologically. We respect the fact that we are two different people! We have never been to sleep on an argument and where we have differed we made a vow to yell at each other, get it out of our systems and never bring it up again. We are both now in our mid-50's and we are both still very touchy-feely and in love amidst a sea of divorce! She has had three cancer operations in the last six years and I have been there for her giving her my support at every step of the way. Every appointment with her professor, every hospital appointment and all of her chemotherapy and radiotherapy appointments. I have been there for her and she knows that I always will be - I am devoted to her. But what do you know - you only see things in black and white!

You brag on your profile page that your intelligence quotient is 145. If this was the case you should have the ability to appreciate that there are always two sides to an argument often with valid points on both sides. You also say on your profile page that if people are nice to you you are nice to them. Haven't you ever thought: If I am nice to people they may be nice in return? It works both ways you know!
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Avatar_m_tn
two things, first the porn, it's a nightmare and while you didn't mention it, I would add prayer to it.
second, understanding, it's good that you can talk, and I like your response, give him more sex
but I'd like to suggest one more thing, add more sex
while he may still fall from time to time, I think if you try to have sex with him as often, for example, first thing in the morning after, the more a guy has sex, the more he wants to.
when I was married, my wife did not always want to, but once we got going, she would always say she was glad afterward

so what is it with porn anyway????

well it's easy... and it's deceptive

they put these ridiculous girls out there, and often the lighting, makeup etc, in other words, if you saw them in person, they would not look as good

but most of all it's easy

just so easy, a mouse click away,

you can't be a mouse click away, but I'd make myself available for him and even pursue him

my wife used to really like it when I woke her up with sex, she would still be asleep (or sleepy) and by the time she woke up good (sort of like a real wet dream)
she would say "that's the way to wake up!"

anyway, work on it together, be there for him, that would help me anyway....
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Avatar_m_tn
Men are dogs we cant help it.You may think Porn is ruining your marriage but has also helped a few marriges out by spiceing things up abit.I know this sounds alittle extreme but try watching some porn with him.You may find out a few things about each other.It may be alittle uncomfortable at first but you may get a glimps at his fantasies and you may very well see a few things you like or may want to try.The fact of the matter is men produce alot of Testosterone and DHT and we have stong sex drives(some dudes just have stronger sex drives than others).Its a fact that men including married men "Jerk the Gerkin" at least once a week unless somethings wrong.Beleive me if he had a low sex drive that would probably tare your marrige asunder quicker than anything...Iv seen it happen.We men are sexual creatures by genetic design.I would suggest you use his sexual urges to your advantage and explore things you'd like to try...he wont arrgue I promise.
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773801_tn?1244524279
WOW! This is a touchy subject and I would like to add my two cents briefly. Porn is not intended to between a husband and wife. I was decieved by involving myself with the porn in my sexual relations with my husband who also was addicted. It was fun and we loved to play and do other things. However, it was what it was an addiction for him and I fed his addiction. A man that likes to do drugs and feel that high from cocaine, crack or whatever, you don't give him the drugs so he can feel good. YOU HELP HIM fight it!!

Anyway for everyone that thinks porn is harmless, my husband was very addictived to porn and soon became a reality because he wanted to live it and went out one night and slept with a prostitute and THAT WAS THE END OF OUR FUN!! Is it just harmless? Porn as someone said before is inteded to be addictive and sex is intended to be between a husband and wife and the only thing that should be between is GOD!
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Avatar_f_tn
how often does you husband watch it?
if he has to do it all day every day, then there is a problem.

my boyfriend watches it. sometimes he watches it alone, sometimes with me,
personally i don't get arroused from it but i can honestly say i have learned some things that i've seen watching it, i've done to my boyfriend that really turns him on.
different positions, different ways of doing something.

it also keeps him at bay when i'm not home so he doesn't have to go out and mess around
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Avatar_n_tn
I can guarentee this is not about you.  I am a married male who has strugled with a porn addiction for 8 years.  It began after our second son was born.  Like drug use, alchohol sex, not everyone get addicted to this.  But some of us do.  I can tell you this.  I can go a long time without viewing anything, I can even sometimes view some and let it go, but other times, I can't stop myself. If I am depressed I can fall into this trap very easily.  I can spend a whole day in front of the computer downloading and hoarding it.  When I am off the wagon I know I have to stop, and I know if I get caught my wife will kill me, but I can't stop myself.  a few things you should know
I love my wife
I have never physically cheated on her (you can debate whether porn is cheating all you want.)
I am currently on the wagon and hope to stay that way.
I would encourage you to talk.  It is embarassing for him, but when I have gotten caught in the past the cold shoulder just made me more resentful and kept me wanting to go back.

A few points to some of the others who have posted on here.
A. don't tell her to get over it this is a real problem for some.
B. I don't think the porn industry is to blame for my addiction
C. Some men can watch and not have a problem
D. This is a bigger problem in the US than some may think

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784382_tn?1376934640
lmao !!.... i ts just porn!!!.... who cares!!.. you do pron in your bedroom, these girls just make good money doing it for the world to see, to each is own!!!.....he isnt cheating on you, he is just looking!!....... stop trippin!....watch it with him!
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you so much for saying that it's not her...!  My boyfriend of two and a half years is addicted also and every time I find something he's looked at, I feel inadequate.  I first thought it was just a little here a little there and maybe he would want to watch it together... but NO! He has never even tried to watch it with me. I have searched our computer and he's so sneaky --he has been viewing it right in front of my face without me knowing.  He hides it, he does it when I'm not around. He does it every single day! What to do about this, I don't know! I have confronted him, embarrassed him, begged him, pleaded with him and genuinely asked him to stop, but still he continues.  He tells me he is ashamed and embarrassed and wants to stop, but no real progress has been made.  I even told him if I see it again I am moving out...that doesn't even matter.  He just hides it better and deletes everything!!  I am at my whitts end here on this.  He "was" the man I thought I would marry, but with his continued disregard for my feelings---I know I can't move further with him.  This addiction truly is a sickness and it's so sad because it ruins your relationship and it has truly made me look and think of him with disgust!  When I think about him, all I can think is....what a freakin pervert!  The thing is...I would be willing to do anything with him that he's watching...the raunchy things he's watching, he has NEVER tried on me....  What do you do when your boyfriend is caught up in this evil little world of his???
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Avatar_f_tn
WOW!!!! I am completely blown away by this all together!!!  I had a similar issue to the first thread and I felt her pain.  Nehow how I feel and what I've done since my issue follows a bit of what everyone has stated!!!!  Ok here it goes...  Short yet to the piont...  I found stuff hidden on his laptop I confronted him he was defensive I put myself in his shoes and I couldnt get it all but some I did.  Ok so i told him that I would like to meet him halfway on this.  "The deal"- That we watch porn together what we both may like not alone!  Not all the time!  Will allow downloading pics as long as its a mix and we look together!  I stated to him that when he hides it makes me believe that he thinks that what hes doing is wrong.  He after a few days and a few talks cuz yes of course he slipped it was habit we went to watch a video and he seemed irritated he turned it off and I was like what are you doing and he said "IT DOESNT FEEL RIGHT" i thought what didnt and he said to me "It just feels wrong not doing it with you just doing it... "  I was weirded out and since then its been rare and he doesnt act weird or be secrative when hes on the computer.  HELL YEAH it broke my heart and I felt hurt like as if I wasnt enough!!!  But it's not about that to each is there own and when you love someone you teach them help them and never join them.  When I say join I dont mean dig in if its what you despise.  I enjoy it all just not like that!!!  I have my own preference and he has his.  I believe that it should be controlled and anyone can disagree with that if theyd like it doesnt matter anyones opinion but I know after experience that one thing is true no matter who says different....  "FAMILIARITY BREATHES CONTEMPT"  You become so use to something and you enjoy it there for you indulge in it!!!!!  It's like it's never enough!  You allow it as he does it and hell look outside at woman and yes it is almost always SEXUAL!!!!!!!!  But before anyone gets upset I STRONGLY FEEL 100% THAT IF YOU ARE MAKING YOURSELF HURT OVER SOMEONE ELSES PROBLEMS THAN WALK AWAY!!!!  YOU ARE WHATS MOST IMPORTANT SO YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOU AND DO WHATS BEST FOR YOU AND THEN STICK BY IT!!!!  HAVE MORALS AND VALUES!!!!  DONT PUT THE BLAME OF YOUR HURT ON ANYONE ELSE!!! ONLY YOU CAN CAUSE YOUR OWN PAIN!!!! ITS WHAT YOU FEEL!!!  MOVE ON THERE IS BETTER AWAITING YOU!!!  YOU SHOULD BE RESPECTING EVERY MOMENT AND CARRY IT WITH PRIDE THEREFORE MAKING EVERY STEP EASIER AND EASIER!!!!  YOU REAP WHAT YOU SEW!!!  SIT IN THEREFORE YOU STAY IN IT!!!  NO ONE THINKS ABOUT WHATS GOOD FOR THEM ANYMORE!!!  WORRY ABOUT YOUR WELL BEING AND ADIOS ALL!!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for your comments. I have found it extremly therapeutic. I am a professional woman and have been with my husband for 17 years. He has always known my strong opposition to porn. I flipped out years ago when discovering video tapes with porn on them, which were subsequently disposed of.

I am not naive and realised that he may still indulge in soft porn 18+ reading material with workmates or away from the house, but have been absolutely gobsmacked by the discovery of hard core offensive porn on his computer.

Up until lately, he had his computer password protected and I asked him why this was so and that such seemed strang to me. Now I know why.

He had hidden the files and obviously thought I would not be computer literate enough to discover them.

Sad thing is we were getting back on track after a short term sepratation four years ago and were trying to have a baby.

After what I saw today, I truly don't think I can ever look at him in the same way. What I saw went well beyond a couple having and enjoying sex. It pushed the boundaries of tolerance.

I am certain that this will be it for the marriage, as I have absolutely no respect for him at this time.
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Avatar_m_tn
Im a 45 yr ole man who's been married to the same woman for 26 yrs. Ill look at porn on the computer sometimes, the wife isnt really into it, ive ask her to look and she says no most times.  For us, we just try not to take ourselves so damn serious. I can understand how it could make a woman's self esteem be lower or make her feel threaten , but to us it really isnt a big deal. Her sex drive isnt quit as high as mine so she knows i may look at porn and Masterbate. An thats where it ends. When im done it doesnt run through my head constanly.  Now if i were neglecting her and doin this , then it would be wrong. And thats just works for us. Plus im a long ways from being perfect. Take care and God Bless u all.
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1100297_tn?1293082717
honestly there is nothing wrong with porn. My hubby watches it sometimes and i just laugh. I watch it sometimes and ask him to join me. We usually just laugh at it because its hard to take it seriously. People love sex. end of story. I bet you anything alot more people watch porn then you might think, even if they wont admit it. Sex it so natural, and we need to embrace it.
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1206852_tn?1265825038

You have too watch it with him...see if that help...
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Avatar_n_tn
WELL IT REALLY UP TO YOU WHETHER YOU LEAVE OR NOT HE IS STILL GOING TO DO IT SO MIGHT AS WHILE GET OVER IT  I AGREE IT AINT RIGHT BUT WHEN YOU MARRIED HIM YOU MADE A VOW AND YOU CAN'T THROW THAT AWAY JUST BECAUSE OF SOME NASTY SLUTS THAT WANT TO DISGRADE THEMSELVES HEY THEY GUY IS ONLY HUMAN AND HE IS GOING TO LOOK OR GO ON SITES BUT IT'S NOT AS BAD AS EVERYONE PUT IT OUT TO BE (AT LESS I THINK) BUT GOOD LUCK WITH WHATEVER DECISION YOU  MAKE
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Avatar_f_tn
I wish all of this were as easy as 1,2,3 as many think. It bothers some an not others that their sig/other gets off while watching/lusting after someone else. To each their own. No one solution will fit all and not all circumstances are the same. I believe the original poster is trying to say how she feels about it, and asking for suggestions on how to either deal with it or help him get over the addiction and herself get over the insecurities. Addiction is not the same as occasionally watching it, and watching it and hiding it is not the same as being asked to watch it with him to get over it. She states how it makes her feel (bad, hurt, inadequate) when he does it and that she's tried to discuss it and offered and tried solutions. Yet, he continued to hide it (deceptive) and lied.

Key factors as I see it. Deceptive, lied and knowingly doing something you know will deeply hurt your sig/other. Having an addiction to it is serious. Addicts have certain personality types and traits. And when they stop one addiction they usually start up with another. They are always in need of finding ways to cope and control their behavior and need support in doing so. There's a huge difference between being an enabler and actually helping them, learn the differences to help, and be strong. Take steps to help yourself first. Counseling if he won't go with you, go alone (clergy or ones that do pro-bono work or sliding scale fees). Educate yourself, and become active in doing things that makes you feel good. You have to be prepared to walk away if he can not change and you can not live with the lies and deception.

I do feel pron has it's place. In my opinion, if a single person not in a committed relationship uses it or if a couple uses it together, or if a loving, sexually committed partner with consent that his sig/other doesn't mind uses it - then it is in it's place. If it is being used and hidden, lied about, hurting the other partners feelings while being used, being abused (as in, it makes you lose sleep, work or your other normal daily activities) it has no place and is a problem.

Men and women alike often say porn, it's a "normal" thing. Or a guy thing. Guys are wired differently, blah blah blah. I say that's a cop out. It's what we as a society have let become "the norm" as it is easier to stay in the dark and easier to agree with than face it's ugly consequences (an the loss of a huge money making industry). Pron has been around since ancient history yes, but the norm? Now masturbation IS a normal thing. I do it myself when he is gone, an I don't need other peoples images to do it with either. I'd rather use some of my boyfriend. We need masturbation to stay healthy, we don't NEED the porn. It doesn't have to be tolerated if it hurts you and the relationship. We all have capacity to change ... if we want to, but we have to want to. If the relationship is worth saving to both and porn is hurting one of you get educated, get help.
T.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am dealing with the resent discovery of my own boyfriends, 1 1/2 yrs, (possible 12 yr) pron addiction. Like I said pron has it's place, but the way I found out was upsetting. I walked in on him while he was viewing it while sick in bed, supposedly playing video games on his laptop. I had come in to tell him the home made chicken dumpling soup, I had just spent 3 hours making him, was done. I hugged an kissed him and asked how he was feeling. He replied still pretty lousy. I playfully said, "Oh, to bad. I was hoping something else would help more than the soup", as I gave him a little squeeze. He hide it best he could, but I could tell he had just lied to me when I asked what he was up to (because he was hard) and the quick click click closing the screen he was viewing, then closing the cover. I asked him again later what he was really up to when I came in - he lied again, and he knew I wasn't believing him. I let it go until the next morning (waiting a 3rd time for him to redeem himself) and asked for the last time. He finally told me. I was very hurt. Not surprised he viewed it but that he was doing it while I was trying to make him feel better. We had just had sex earlier that morning, which we usually do, plus I was only a room away. I'd have done anything he wanted, even oral if he was to tired to please me. He was only 20' away lusting/wanting, enjoying someone else's body, looks, moves, moans. sexually energy, while I was trying to make him feel better with soup. He didn't want me and that burns. He works out of town 4-5 days a week so is only home on weekends so he gets his alone satisfaction time plenty. So double burn on me. Told me he wasn't feeling well - but well enough to rub one out with having hots for someone else - burn 3. I feel totally disrespected.

This was the first time that happened. I cried a lot, still am 5 days later. I feel so deceived, so inadequate and don't like feeling I must compete or always keep up my appearance (make up, hair done, etc.) I'm seriously thinking of ending it. I'm not naive. I'm 46, was married to great guy for 20 and had 5 other long term relationships after my hubby died. I have a high testosterone level for a woman, so I've always wanted it more than any of the guys I've been with - extremely rare for me to say no to sex or position, etc, an I initiate more than they do - even the 26 yr old I'm dating seriously now. I've used porn a little myself, but mostly with partner as a couples spicing it up thing. I am actively fit (with medical weight problem from food digestion diesease) but only 15-20 extra lb.s. I am still a very attractive, educated, intelligent, caring, fun lady, with 2 teenagers. He is a very intelligent, handsome, caring 26 yr old guy, with a good job and his act together since we've been dating. He quit drinking and smoking so I'd date him and we've been inseparable best friends since. I know, I could chalk it up to his age of not really knowing, but I don't think it's an excuse. If he was hiding it, he knew it would hurt me, an he admitted he knew it, but didn't think about it til after the fact. Of course he said it has nothing to do with me, blah blah blah. He said the sex is way more important to me than it is to him an that he does it to please me. Well, that made me feel a whole lot worse. We have had some major lack of sex there for a few months then down to none for 2 weeks. I said I couldn't take that. He offered no real explanation as to why it was happening when it did. On the second week I said we have a problem an if we can't fix it in a few months then we should move on. He changed by the following weekend ... don't ask me what it was either. IDK. He does have anxiety and some depression (which can contribute to the lack of sex) and possible bi-polar (possible I said). He's was on medication a year ago for anxiety an depression and had been before. The med side affects are to great for him by the time the disorders are under control. He's bouts are more manageable "for him/us" without constant medication. With all the things he has going on, I didn't need porn addiction added to it. We are going to talk this weekend and I have set up an appointment to see my counselor. He sees a psychologist in a few weeks, but this isn't what original appointment was made for. Hopefully he will have the guts to bring it up in addition to what he's going for.

I don't know which is worse when he drank and lied and ditched me on dates (over yr an half ago) or now when he's pleasuring himself using someone else's image to do so an leaving me hanging not getting enough. Sex for me is like 50% of the deal. If you don't need me then why actually become a committed loving couple. I'm not gonna raise a family with him. He can have lots of girls if he wants ... which I guess is sorta what he wants by watching pron. I understand you don't have to put up with their b.s. after (I just go to sleep anyway). Don't know, I'm hurt, confused, an insecure now. My problem for how I feel, but his for disrespecting me. I hate the fact that now I will feel differently during sex with him. I don't feel safe that he won't hurt me emotionally or trust him or believe he actually wants to be with me. I know men who can have sex with just about most women (get it hard I mean) because it is a physical act an they are receiving pleasure. So I know, even if he says see you still get me hard, it's you I want ... not really babe, so can my next store neighbor. It will have little meaning now and for that I am very sad.

Guys would you appreciate your sig/others keeping secrets, sneaking off to watch younger, great looking, hot, sexy, built men with big dics and getting off on it everyday.Tthen be not so into sex with you or have nothing left to give you at all. Even if she did cook dinner and was willing to watch your favorite sport or movies later or whatever it is you appreciate her for? Even if you watched porn with her, and sex would happen between you, but you weren't sure she was really there or just going through the motions? What if she wasn't having an orgasm when you guys had sex anymore? What if she finally told you she was faking it with you after you knew she was watching a lot of pron and getting herself off? What if she only got hot an bothered after watching pron now? Don't tell me you wouldn't start to feel inadequate and wonder what you didn't do right or what they've got that you don't, etc? Would you want her to stop? If she didn't, then what? If she hide it even more, then what? What if after all these years together, you found she had liked porn but didn't tell you and that she had met a guy online (say before you met) in a chat room, that sent her home made videos of himself for her to view. She had a collection of this guy, but had never met. Would you care if she continued to view it? What if she was more sexual than you, higher drive, attractive and got a lot of attention when out, and viewed porn before she left the house? Would any of these situations make you doubt her or yourself in anyway?

T.
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Avatar_f_tn
i have been married for 5 years   when i frist found out about it   i was unreal to me , i even found out that after we had sex  the morning after if i left for work early he would watch pron then  it just made me sick , after trying to understand him and learning about him being addicted to pron i has come with this he why don't we make our own little movie  , maybe he will watch that and leave all them others alone  , how wrong was i to ever think that , . with out my knowing , he had gone  and post our private movie on the net on a sex website , when i found out about it and blow up , he gave me this i don't know why your up set with me  , i told him that i have be trade my trust and i was very up set i got the line for me , other men show of there wife and i want to show of my sexy wife

until this day its hard for me to have sex with him .   after he been on the computer  due to i don't know if he was on a pron site and im not having it any more im not sure how much longer i can due this  due to he will pick fights with me  due to not having sex 2 -3 tims a week  and if i say something on how i feel  i get  you should be over that by know  
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Avatar_f_tn
To all of you who are saying - It's a man thing - or that's how men are --

ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

*********  It is NOT ok.  ***********

It affects relationships more than you realize.   Do some research on porn addiction and you will see, based on the results, more and more are coming forward with a problem with pornography.  Even EX PORN STARS!!!!!

So those who say it's ok - you are obviously un educated on the subject.  And stop posting a useless comment!
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stooop... you're killing me!!!  It's like being slapped in the face>>
You are so right though :)
I'm in the same situation now, he just loves porn. I can't make him stop.
They talk so much bull crap - you are the only one who has a point!!  well, I think i'm gonna try that book you mentioned, hope my husband will read it
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Avatar_m_tn
I am most strongly in agreement with ForestAnimal.  Do research on pornography addiction to start with.  I did not know that such existed, until I discovered my own husband's problem.  Therapy and a willingness to quit are absolutely mandatory.  Clearly, there are great differences in people and their ability to view pornography and not become hooked or tendency to become hooked.  There is plenty of research supporting the idea that it is or can be an addiction with a chemical mediator, not taken as a drug, but a "naturally occuring" drugged state related to great increases in dopamine and oxytocin (chemically related chain, dependent upon one another.  However the psychiatric community has yet to reach a firm consensus in relation to whether or not pornography addiction is a real diagnosis, though one expects with each new edition of the DSMV, to find it there, given the prevalence of the problem.

You should not simply "put up with it, or look the other way," because it is a problem that is progressive in most cases.  It requires more and more pornography to get the same effect, or harder core pornography, or acting out in real life in a variety of ways.  Further, as progression occurs, your husband's interest in having sex with you will simply decline, as it will require a higher and higher threshold for him to become excited.  Many women are also deeply disturbed by the fact that their husband is thinking about pornography while having sex with them.  You may or may not find this offensive, but it is probably not an act you have consented to, yet is still, most likely, one which is being performed on you.  You, as the receptacle for his masturbation to pornography in his mind, your vagina a substitute for someone else's orifices, or his hand.

This is not masculine behavior and does not relate in any way to fully mature adult male sexuality.  Further, if you are concerned about his opinion of you, as well you should be, consult the research of the effects of watching pornograpy on a man's opinion of his wife or lover.  It is rather shocking and disturbing, and no, it does not matter what you look like, either.  You may be exceptionally beautiful, but he will not see you that way.  Multiple research findings support this as fact.  

More sex will not help.  My husband and I had sex once or more a day for the first twelve years we were married, with certain obvious brakes, due to travel and such.  This made no difference, whatsoever.  Perhaps, more important in this arena is the question of who is initiating.  He initiates every sexual encounter he has with pornography, every time he wants to watch pornography with you, if he does such as per one suggestion in the string, and every time he thinks about pornography instead of you, while having sex with you.  Is he anywhere near as initiatory with you as he is with porn?  Does he really want you, desperately?  He wants porn, desperately!  Look into counseling in relation to issues of Intimacy Anorexia, if he isn't inclined to initiate.  Read the research, either way.  Being married to a porn/sex addict can, in fact, turn into Hell on earth, no matter what the more naive have posted here.
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Avatar_f_tn
I totally agree with you on your reply. Your responses were very helpful. You seem to be a very intelligent person who does their research and presents facts rather than fluff. Your response was helpful to me as I was researching the very same subject matter. Thank you! Hope everyone gets their problems solved. Good luck!
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Avatar_m_tn
Completely agree with ForestAnimal.  I was desperately looking for answers to my own situation and mostly I read are views that it is "natural".  This is not surprising.  We live in a pretty screwed up world with sinful acts absolutely everywhere.  Most of us fall into it so easily and it can be tough to stray from it.  There will always be someone on the prowl to get people to be okay with behaving against God's word whether they believe or not.  I think my relationship can still be saved but I know one of the toughest decisions I have to make will come soon (leaving him or not).  The feelings of hurt are way to strong and common to just ignore.  They are built in us for a reason.  Thank you, ForestAnimal, for the most refreshing response and standing up for what you believe.  I hope your relationship survives; true love can get through most hardships if both sides want the relationship to work!
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