Addicted to porn

[magzs1112]

A few years ago I discovered my husbands porn addiction. And it made my heart race, and I was more hurt then mad.  We fought about this for awhile and he finally admited that he was addicted to sex.  He of course blamed his porn viewing on that we dont have enough sex.  So we went from 1-2x a week to 4-5 wk.  Last month (thanksgiving) I found that he had been viwing more websites and deleting the history.  I was disgusted and he blew up, cried, said he was sorry, and he would stop.  Of course I beleive him until last night.  All I had to do was click on "back" in the browser and came up porn websites.  I guess i am on of those women that hate it.  I feel its degrating to women.  I feel insure about myself as well.  I cant seem to let this go.  Last night he celebrated new years eve without me b/c i was to hurt to be with him.  I feel like this is ruining my marriage and he wont stop.  Therapy could help but we dont have the exta money.  We have been married for 6 years now and its tearing me apart.  IPlease help i'm starting to lose it!!

[harold990]

you know if that,s what he wants to look at that then let him don,t ask don,t tell he is with you and the porn thing it will fade also you should not look at were he has been hes is a good man and no matter how much porn he look,s at  he always comes home to you don,t fight with him about it it,s a man thing  

[Blue08]

agree with harold990..
Dont take it seriously...  Looks like you need to know more about men ..
Just let it go and dont be mad at him..  and ask him politly  .. he might reduce watching ..  He would be still watching but less and less..

[treazzure007]

lol i had to laugh when you said you began having even more sex.  yeah, that will fix it! :)

but seriously, he's just really sexy and there's nothing you can do about it.  porn is only degrading for the women and men who are dumb enough to participate in the production of it.  poor things, how degrading for them to feel the need to stoop that low to have to strip, bare all, and hump the day away for a paycheck...

[ForestAnimal]

Personally I agree with you. I HATE PORN! When you are in a relationship with someone, they should be true to you. If my lover masturbates to porn, I feel like he has cheated on me because you're letting out sexual energy on someone else (ie the people in the movie). My boyfriend has had a porn addiction since he was 12 years old. I tried forever to get him to stop... and we normally have sex AT LEAST once a day (for 3 years now) because we're both so horny. That still wasn't enough though. He's currently getting help, but I don't have high hopes honestly. I would strongly recommend the book "The Porn Trap" by Wendy and Larry Maltz. There are other books out there that can also do a lot of good, but he has to be willing to change first, or it's a waste of money. Go to your bookstore and find one that's right for the two of you. Read them with him and discuss each chapter. Make him do the exercises and answer the questions HONESTLY. There are also porn addiction groups, although there aren't very many. If you two are religious, joining a church group or getting involved with religious counseling (free) could help. Porn addiction is a terrible problem in our society. It only makes people want what is impossible to achieve, and partners feel like they can't live up to their mate's fantasies. Porn is fake, unrealistic, stupid, humiliating, degrading, media-induced brainwashing TRASH. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It is NOT natural, and I AM a man. To the two men who answered first, there is no excuse. "if that's what he wants to look at then let him." HELL NO! "magz," you have EVERY right to your man's sexuality... exclusively. You should not have to be one of many women in his fantasies, regardless of whom he comes home to. You're still not the only one to him, but it sounds like he's the only one to you. I know how this feels. I've been there. I've been hurt by porn too many times, and even by a past partner cheating on me that was brought on by porn. Porn desensitizes and can lead to cheating because the more they do it, the less wrong it feels. They move from reading erotica, to watching normal porn, to hardcore, to meeting people online that like the same thing or justify watching it...etc. I think you get where I'm going with this, so keep your eyes open! It is a very big problem and something needs to be done. It does sounds like it is ruining your marriage because he's even trying to hide it from you. That's lying. Such awful acts should not be tolerated. Your husband needs to be a REAL man, unlike the jerks on here who will tell you it's ok to do that. It seems like one of the most difficult things to stop, so if you want to stay with him, be prepared and be determined! I'm sorry I can't offer you more advice. If I had more advise, I would use it myself for my own similar problem. Best of luck to you.

[ForestAnimal]

Also, talk to him about it... especially if you get visual aids like the books I mentioned, but try your hardest not to appear mad. I know you will feel terribly angry inside at what he might reveal to you, but if you blow up, he'll shut himself up. This is just from my personal experience. My boyfriend hasn't looked at porn in a few months, so it IS possible to break the habit. I still hurt from it, and I'm still worried that he'll go back to it at any given day, but you can only be understanding and seek outside help. Sometimes a guy doesn't want to listen to his partner because he's used to what she or he has to say. Getting something like a book, or finding a group of people with similar problems could help show him that his actions are indeed hurtful and wrong. Sometimes it just takes an outsider to prove everything you're trying to tell him (even if they say the exact same thing). It's terrible, but true. If he loves you, he'll stop and devote himself to you by doing whatever it takes to quit the habit.

[SeriousSam]

There are usually some sliding scale clinics could you guys find one of those for counseling?

[mr.lucky66]

Porn is not a harmless "guy" thing. I don't know any guys now that view it these days and it's a problem that needs to be adressed , not swept under the rug. Porn is made by criminals and inteded to be addictive.

[Crickett559]

Have you ever tried to watching it with him to see what it is he is looking at? Sorry to say its not always about men watching women, but men watching men trying to keep their true attractions in the closest so to speak. Instead of acting on their impulses, they watch porn and masterbate and get their satisfaction from that. If, you truly are hurt and want to know all the reasons why, be prepared for what you really find out. Good luck.

[anallylost]

He obviously loves you - that is why he married you and that is why he is still with you. Sex isn't everything and you both have different rates of sex drive. Surely looking at porn is a lot less harmful than picking up STD's from prostitutes. Please try to accept him for what he is - he obviously still finds you sexy or he wouldn't be able to maintain an erection and make love to you. Believe me, it is impossible for a man to maintain a good erection if he does not find his partner attractive. Under those circumstances he would find every excuse in the book not to make love to you.

I have been married to the same woman for 35 years - she is a bright intelligent teacher and I love her dearly. However, my sex drive has always been a lot more powerful than hers and she has accepted my masturbation. There are things that she still does not know about me but she knows that I use porn as a stimulus because it just makes masturbation easier for a man.

For a man, masturbation is a neccessary release mechanism and there is not much else involved other than the pleasure of orgasm. Making love to you will give him far more, on every level, than masturbation does.

There is no doubt that men see sex in a different way to women. What a man may think nothing of can very well hurt his female partner. Men are more obvious in sex (more superficial if you like) whereas women tend to think more deeply and act more advisedly. I am generalising now and I am not trying to make excuses but these differences do exist.

Married couples are never in exact synchronisity - that's just life. In the end it all boils down to one question: Do you love each other? If the answer is truly yes - then everything else can be worked out!

[ForestAnimal]

You're not being loyal to your wife by masturbating to porn either... just like this poor woman who posted this. Do you have no concern for how it makes her feel? Your wife accepts your lack of loyalty... different strokes for different folks. For those of us who want our partners to be all ours (male or female, doesn't matter), as you would probably expect from your wife, I don't think that's too much to ask. Sure, women usually have a lot less sex drive than men. That is a fact indeed, as you pointed out. But if a man truly finds his wife attractive, why does he have to masturbate to OTHER people? Why can't you masturbate to your wife? You have to admit, that if you can't do that, you're not as attracted to her as you say. Years ago I watched porn mindlessly for about an hour or more every day senselessly masturbating until I realized what I was doing. Even if you only do it once, you're still letting off some of your sexual energy on someone else. That's called CHEATING, and it hurts people like the woman who posted this because they want the same loyalty they give their partners in return. I agree that we men need to masturbate... it is a NEED yes. But, you can still masturbate to your lover. Also, did you ever think of the fact that even though the guy can still keep an erection for his wife, that he could be fantasizing about other women to keep that erection? It is pretty common for people to pretend their lover is someone else to spice things up if they're bored, or just plain addicted to porn. If you and your wife have reached an agreement that you can mentally cheat on her because you're more horny, that's your relationship and your deal. I think your wife deserves better!!

[anallylost]

This strand is not about me - its about trying to help Magzs1112 which I have tried to do in a reasonable way.

Anyone can see things in black and white like you do - it is so easy to condemn and be negative. However, kind constructive comments are worth their weight in gold.

I didn't start this strand so it is not very intelligent of you to go off at a tangent and attack me when this is all about supporting Magz1112.

[katarina777]

I completely agree with anally lost. You don't know anything about him, or his wife. And, as he said, this wasn't about him. he commented in a wonderfully supportive, open and honest manner.

You did nothing like that except lecturing how bad anyone is who was like, and did like, you did until you were 'reborn' to perfection.

[anallylost]

As a postscript to my last post above: Please do not mis-quote me! I have never stated, anywhere, that "Women usually have a lot less sex drive than men."

I just don't know where you get your "facts" or opinions from!

If you want to continue this argument please start a new strand so that Magz1112 is not completely hijiacked!

[ForestAnimal]

Is it just me, or did magz state that she wanted her husband to stop? What's wrong with agreeing with her that he should stop? If she thinks porn is wrong, why would you give advice saying it's okay? "Please try to accept him the way he is." If magz doesn't think it's acceptable, then it's not acceptable. She said she feels insecure about herself and wants him to stop. Stopping is not too much to ask. I've been there, done that, as a result of the exact same behavior. I feel empathy for her situation. My partner masturbating to porn for whatever reason makes me feel like I'm not very attractive, or else I would be the source of masturbation (again as I stated earlier, this issue seems to be resolving, so it can be done). If she's hurt by it as she indicated, then she shouldn't have to put up with the behavior and her husband is being dishonest to her by hiding his habit... and your response is to just try to accept it. There is something wrong with that. I am very offended. That is why I criticized you.

I also criticize people when they contradict themselves which usually indicates some sort of untruth (and if you're wondering where that came from: experience). Untruths (lies, misunderstandings, etc.) chill me to the very bone. That is where I mentioned if you are so attracted to your wife, why do you need to masturbate to other people having sex. If magz's husband is being dishonest about his problem, there is definitely a problem with trust.

Katarina, I am utterly disgusted with your response. It is useless. I have every right to express my opinion in a mature manner, and I will. If you don't like it, don't read it. You didn't even try to help magz, and at this point, she does need help. At least anallylost did try. Apparently you didn't read my post anyway. I advised her to get a book, gave an example of a good one that helped my partner and me, church counseling if she's religious which is free since she can't afford couple's counseling, etc. That is useful information that you either failed to read or remember. If I just came on here to rant, I'd do it elsewhere, but I offered solid advice from my own experience. I thought sharing my opinion about porn (since it seems similar), which you call lecturing, would comfort her in knowing that she is not alone. She feels like it degrades women and I agree with her. It literally pains me to hear about someone who suffers from the same problem I do with my own partner, so yes that does make me bias. When I read anallylost's response, it didn't seem to me like he understood that she can't deal with (or accept) her husband watching porn (she said she's starting to lose it, which is perfectly understandable to me), so that advice isn't really "worth it's weight in gold" because it is not a feasible solution.

I'm not attacking anyone here as a human being. I am attacking the act of watching porn and supporting a multi-billion dollar brainwashing industry that has the power to hurt others as a means of releasing sexual energy. Do please see the difference. I am an honest, loyal and faithful man who hates to see others suffer the same things I have suffered - men and women alike can be victims of porn. I merely mentioned my "rebirth," so that anallylost wouldn't think that I'm just a sheltered individual who has never done anything wrong or adventurous... hint... I'm not "perfect" as you think I implied, katarina. Also, I do know a little something about anallyhost. I know that he watches porn instead of giving a full 100% of his body and soul to his wife, and his wife is okay with that. Sure, it's not much, but it's something. You said I know nothing. Think your words through before you use them. Besides, you added absolutely nothing to the point of this post. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. I was trying to help magz, however, I do not believe the solution is to try to accept it. If I did, I would have left my two cents that I typed earlier as is. This post was supposed to be about helping magz, not anallylost and not me.

To anallylost: I re-read your post where you say you didn't say women have a lower sex drive. You are correct, and I do apologize for misquoting you. I hope you can forgive me for that mistake. I have nothing against you as a person, and like I said earlier, different strokes for different folks. To answer a few things: As for not being very intelligent, I find that hilarious. As for supporting magz, that's exactly what I was doing by criticizing you, because your only proposed solution is the one which she cannot do, and that is to accept what her husband is doing. As for where I get my information/opinions... look it up. The divorce rate in America is at an all time high. Find statistics about divorces and their causes, etc. Talk to people (especially divorced wives) who went to hell and back because their husband cheated on them... and why (events that led to it). Look up the porn industry and find out the horror and victimization you are supporting by using it. Read a few books on it. Porn makes masturbation easier for a man? Why do you think this is? Those naked bodies of strangers turn you on (and other men who watch porn) because men are usually visual. This is lust. Dare I quote the Bible on this one? I am a Christian and the words, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" means something to me. When you masturbate to another woman (as in porn), you are looking at her lustfully, are you not? If not, how do you explain being aroused by it? This is where I get my concept that it is wrong, along with the fact that I want my other half to be all mine (and likewise the same from me). America's morals are dwindling away. I know I'm not about to even come close to changing anyone's minds, and people can think of a million reasons to justify what they do. That doesn't make it right, however I'm not here to fight with anyone. That's pointless, immature and no one wins. Good luck to you magz.

[anallylost]

In answer to your question: Magz1112 doesn't actually state that she wants her husband to stop. She states that it makes her feel disgusted with him and (I think that she meant) insecure about herself, that it could cause the breakdown of her marriage and that she might be cracking up!  These are all very serious emotions.

That she has caught her husband, he has promised to stop several times but obviously cannot keep to that promise ought to make alarm bells ring in your brain and reply in a deeper way than the very obvious "Black and white" response that you have made.

Your advice is confrontational and, quite frankly, is more likely to split this marriage up than keep it together!

You have a strong personal moral and Christian code, which is very admirable, but you are getting very close to "Fundamentalism". In certain situations you have to accept that people will not, and cannot, adhere to a course of action favoured by you. What you say may seem to have perfect logic but, just as there are many glitches in computer programmes, the human brain is imperfect too. In my opinion it is far better to propose a course of action which is kind, concilliatory, and understanding of the needs of both parties where compromise and effort, from both sides, is the key to resolving the issue.

As a Christian you must believe in marriage and that it should be worked at by both partners equally. It is not about mind-control with one partner dominating the other. As I said in my original response (that you sought to criticise) it is about love! If they really love each other they can come to understand each other and work through their problems. My reply sought to reassure the lady so that she shouldn't feel so insecure about herself and I tried to give her more of an unbiased insight into what can sometimes be the failings of the male psychology.

She is not wrong to be angry with him when he has made her promises that he clearly cannot keep so, in my opinion, it is better to recognise why he cannot keep those promises and that it is not a reflection upon her own percieved lack of sexuality. I think that she wouldn't be so unhappy if she could be sure that the situation was not a reflection upon her, which it probably isn't, and that his use of porn is not necessarily a statement that he finds other women more attractive than her!

You insult and offend me by asking: "If I am so attracted to my wife why do I need to maturbate to other people having sex". Try reading and actually understanding my original reply - the answer is already there if you had bothered to read it properly!

You also insult Katarina777. Perhaps her response touched a nerve with you! When she said that you knew nothing about my wife or my marriage she was so right! My wife and I are both University-educated professionals with successful careers so we are not exactly daft! We were engaged for two years and have now been married for 35 years and we have always had a good sex life but she has always accepted that my needs are greater than hers in that respect. It does not worry her. She accepts that masturbation is a natural form of release and that, for a man, it is more mechanical/physiological than psychological. OK, I'm a wanker, so what! I have never been tempted to leave my wife or live with another woman. When I use porn as a stimulus for my masturbation I often imagine it is my wife that I am making love to. Sometimes I am re-living my wife and I having quite daring sex together on a continental beach in the hot sunlight whilst we were on holiday - this thought really turns me on. When I see a naked woman on a two dimensional piece of paper I can think that she is very good looking but I know nothing about her personality - I couldn't love her. She could be the most awful person in the world!

Love is what it is all about!

My wife and I have always loved each other very much and, most importantly, we have been good mates too - sharing each other's work problems in great detail and sharing many of each other's interests. Neither of us are into mind-control or trying to dominate the other psychologically. We respect the fact that we are two different people! We have never been to sleep on an argument and where we have differed we made a vow to yell at each other, get it out of our systems and never bring it up again. We are both now in our mid-50's and we are both still very touchy-feely and in love amidst a sea of divorce! She has had three cancer operations in the last six years and I have been there for her giving her my support at every step of the way. Every appointment with her professor, every hospital appointment and all of her chemotherapy and radiotherapy appointments. I have been there for her and she knows that I always will be - I am devoted to her. But what do you know - you only see things in black and white!

You brag on your profile page that your intelligence quotient is 145. If this was the case you should have the ability to appreciate that there are always two sides to an argument often with valid points on both sides. You also say on your profile page that if people are nice to you you are nice to them. Haven't you ever thought: If I am nice to people they may be nice in return? It works both ways you know!

[ragp]

two things, first the porn, it's a nightmare and while you didn't mention it, I would add prayer to it.
second, understanding, it's good that you can talk, and I like your response, give him more sex
but I'd like to suggest one more thing, add more sex
while he may still fall from time to time, I think if you try to have sex with him as often, for example, first thing in the morning after, the more a guy has sex, the more he wants to.
when I was married, my wife did not always want to, but once we got going, she would always say she was glad afterward

so what is it with porn anyway????

well it's easy... and it's deceptive

they put these ridiculous girls out there, and often the lighting, makeup etc, in other words, if you saw them in person, they would not look as good

but most of all it's easy

just so easy, a mouse click away,

you can't be a mouse click away, but I'd make myself available for him and even pursue him

my wife used to really like it when I woke her up with sex, she would still be asleep (or sleepy) and by the time she woke up good (sort of like a real wet dream)
she would say "that's the way to wake up!"

anyway, work on it together, be there for him, that would help me anyway....

[btd101]

Men are dogs we cant help it.You may think Porn is ruining your marriage but has also helped a few marriges out by spiceing things up abit.I know this sounds alittle extreme but try watching some porn with him.You may find out a few things about each other.It may be alittle uncomfortable at first but you may get a glimps at his fantasies and you may very well see a few things you like or may want to try.The fact of the matter is men produce alot of Testosterone and DHT and we have stong sex drives(some dudes just have stronger sex drives than others).Its a fact that men including married men "Jerk the Gerkin" at least once a week unless somethings wrong.Beleive me if he had a low sex drive that would probably tare your marrige asunder quicker than anything...Iv seen it happen.We men are sexual creatures by genetic design.I would suggest you use his sexual urges to your advantage and explore things you'd like to try...he wont arrgue I promise.

[Njsweetnlight]

WOW! This is a touchy subject and I would like to add my two cents briefly. Porn is not intended to between a husband and wife. I was decieved by involving myself with the porn in my sexual relations with my husband who also was addicted. It was fun and we loved to play and do other things. However, it was what it was an addiction for him and I fed his addiction. A man that likes to do drugs and feel that high from cocaine, crack or whatever, you don't give him the drugs so he can feel good. YOU HELP HIM fight it!!

Anyway for everyone that thinks porn is harmless, my husband was very addictived to porn and soon became a reality because he wanted to live it and went out one night and slept with a prostitute and THAT WAS THE END OF OUR FUN!! Is it just harmless? Porn as someone said before is inteded to be addictive and sex is intended to be between a husband and wife and the only thing that should be between is GOD!

[bklyn0630]

how often does you husband watch it?
if he has to do it all day every day, then there is a problem.

my boyfriend watches it. sometimes he watches it alone, sometimes with me,
personally i don't get arroused from it but i can honestly say i have learned some things that i've seen watching it, i've done to my boyfriend that really turns him on.
different positions, different ways of doing something.

it also keeps him at bay when i'm not home so he doesn't have to go out and mess around

[k4269]

I can guarentee this is not about you.  I am a married male who has strugled with a porn addiction for 8 years.  It began after our second son was born.  Like drug use, alchohol sex, not everyone get addicted to this.  But some of us do.  I can tell you this.  I can go a long time without viewing anything, I can even sometimes view some and let it go, but other times, I can't stop myself. If I am depressed I can fall into this trap very easily.  I can spend a whole day in front of the computer downloading and hoarding it.  When I am off the wagon I know I have to stop, and I know if I get caught my wife will kill me, but I can't stop myself.  a few things you should know
I love my wife
I have never physically cheated on her (you can debate whether porn is cheating all you want.)
I am currently on the wagon and hope to stay that way.
I would encourage you to talk.  It is embarassing for him, but when I have gotten caught in the past the cold shoulder just made me more resentful and kept me wanting to go back.

A few points to some of the others who have posted on here.
A. don't tell her to get over it this is a real problem for some.
B. I don't think the porn industry is to blame for my addiction
C. Some men can watch and not have a problem
D. This is a bigger problem in the US than some may think

[turkee23]

lmao !!.... i ts just porn!!!.... who cares!!.. you do pron in your bedroom, these girls just make good money doing it for the world to see, to each is own!!!.....he isnt cheating on you, he is just looking!!....... stop trippin!....watch it with him!