Caught 7 yr old fingering 4 yr old's butthole...

[lrrn3k]

I am a single mother of 3 boys ages 7, 4, and 2. Recently my boyfriend walked into the kitchen where he saw my 7 yr old fingering my 4 yr olds butthole. I sat both of my children down individually and talked to them about the situation. They both said that the other one was the one who wanted to do it and initiated it. I asked my 4 yr old how long this had been going on and he said for a couple of months. I asked him if anybody else had ever done that to him and he said no. I asked my 7 yr old why he did it and he said that my 4 yr old asked him to. I then asked him if anybody had ever done that to him and he said no. I also asked him if he had ever seen anybody else do that to somebody and he said no. My 4 yr old had been having issues with pain in his butthole when he pooped for a couple of months and I had taken him to a doctor, but they had never found anything wrong with him. I have talked to both of them and informed them that this is not a good thing to be doing and that they are not to touch other people's private parts, but I am afraid that it will continue and that they might start doing it to my 2 yr old son. I need to know if this is normal or if I need to seek help. I have no clue I was raised with only sisters and do not know what sorts of things boys do. I am afraid that something is wrong or has happened to them and they are afraid to tell me. I have told them that they can tell me anything and that I won't be mad at them, but I am still afraid. Please advise.

[SOS555]

See a family counselor .

[lrrn3k]

My 7 yr old is a very bright boy. He makes straight A's in school and has always been very mature for his age in some aspects. One of those aspects is in regards to his dad. He sees what is going on and he can handle talking about them. That's one of the reasons I am really worried about all of this. He normally tells me how he is feeling and what is going on in his head. heck, normally I am hard pressed to get him to breath more or less hush...lol. But, He doesn't want to really talk about this. I don't know if it is because something happened or because knowing that it's not right maybe he thinks there is something wrong with him. I don't know, but hopefully through counseling I can find out and maybe we can get through this and heal whatever it is.

[ducky406]

Glad I was any help. And yeah sometimes it may seem overreacting, but I think sometimes its worth it to be over cautious. You have to do what you can to keep kids safe and counseling can only help.

When my cousins were raped/molested. One of them tried to play house with me and kiss me on the lips. I was about 6 so I pushed her away thinking she was just being weird. A few years later her sister started to gain a lot of weight, ignoring everything else and doing nothing but reading. And her brother at 4/5 started urinated over his sister's toys and having full out 2/3 year old temper tantrums including banging hands and feet which continued until he was 8. My older sister was kissing boys and rebelling at 7. She was smoking, drinking, and suicidal at 10 and sexually active at 11. When my niece got her boobs grabbed by her best friend they had a huge fight and stopped talking and she got really depressed and started sleeping in the same bed as her mom at 10 years old. These are just the things that I've seen, and I don't know if reactions like that are stereotypical of abuse but that's why I asked the questions I did. Maybe it'll help give you more insight.

I am very impressed that your 7 year old managed to express his feelings so articulately. I think that's a very good and healthy sign to be able to express those kind of complex feelings. Hopefully this will all be resolved quickly and be nothing serious.

[lrrn3k]

Thanks for your response! I also am a naturally untrusting person, that is why I am so scared.

In answer to some of the question you have posed...My 7 yr old has become more angry, but I'm not sure if might just be attributed to the fact that his father and I seperated about a year ago and he has only seen his dad a handful of times in that period and for only a few minutes to 2 days each time. He sayd that he is mad at his dad because his dad makes promises to come get them and take them places and then just doesn't show up. As far as sleeping habits, no, all of my children sleep in their own beds (they each have their own individual bed), their bedtime is 8pm and they are almost always asleep no later than 9pm. They are not reluctant to be around anyone and have not been around anyone that they haven't been around their whole lives.There have been no big fights with any friends or family members and I have not seen any signs of regression.

I think that your advice about a counselor is a very good idea. I just hope and pray that it is just a curiosity thing. I have been keeping a close eye on my kiddos and even making sure that they each take their clothes to the bathroom and get dressed in complete privacy. I don't want to make them think there is anything wrong with them, but I don't want it to ever happen again.

[ducky406]

I just want to say that this is a very difficult, scary situation and you're handling it remarkably well.

That being said it's possible your children weren't completely honest with you. NOT your fault, but they could have felt like they were in big trouble and it was best stick to no and I don't know answers. And once they get there, it's really hard to shake it out of them. In my limited experience, knowing several victims of child molestation and actually having a father who is a registered molester, it all makes me suspicious. All kids have a tendency to do what they have seen, heard or been made to do. I'm not saying anything has happened, I have a tendency to not trust people and I almost always leap to worst case scenarios. But I've been close to quite a few victims, so my antennas come up quickly. It's possible nothing happened and it was just a curiosity caused from your 4 year old's bowel issues. (One of my niece's friends grabbed her breasts because she was curious what they felt like; her mom was going through chemo and getting implants). However even curiosity doesn't make it a normal part of childhood or something to ignore.

Some questions for you:
Have either of your boys moods changed recently? Anger, depression, mood swings, rebellion, etc? Has there been a change in sleeping or eating habits? Have they become more cautious or hesitant about being with a certain person or persons? Have either of them gotten into a big "fight" with a friend or family member? Have either of them started to "regress"? Like wanting to sleep with you at night, after not cohabiting for a long time or not wanting to leave your sight. These can all be signs something is wrong.

I think your best choice is to see a family counselor. Your sons may feel more comfortable opening up to someone who deemed "safe". Additionally there are family counseling sessions which may help mediate conversation. I know a gp/pediatrician can set you up with a family counselor. I've had bad experiences with school counselors, but that doesn't mean they can't help. Also, if you're a member of a church group, they may have people who could help.