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Help - love my wife of 18 years, but whilst she is happy with our sexual relationship, I feel that I am about to go crazy!
Hi, my first post in this forum.
My wife and i have been married 18 years. We are still both in good shape and active in our professions, socially and with our kids.
Our relationship has remained quite solid, with ups and downs especially due to the stress on bringing up kids. yet, we have remained close through thick and thin.
I am a hands-on dad, and whilst I work a full day, when I come home I always do the cooking and help out. Weekends are dedicated to kids and time together. We take regular breaks away from the kids and both enjoy separate time with our friends once every so often.
On paper this should all lead to a healthy physical relationship, however sexually I feel very unsatisfied.
For the last 10 years or so I feel that my wife's interest in sex has dwindled to once every month. Any more than that it seems like a chore for her. Oral sex has TOTALLY stopped, giving AND receiving. She never enjoyed giving oral sex, and never felt obliged, but loved receiving. (yes, that is a bit selfish, but I also preferred giving than receiving). I always initiate sex and always lead. Always! Whilst I do not mind having to initiate most of the time, nor lead most of the time, it cannot be ALL of the time. And when we do have sex, it is always once, never 3 or 4 times in a session. When after 20 minutes I start again, she sweetly tells me "are you serious?!"
Yet, she insists that she is VERY satisfied with our sex life
I jave pointed out subtle, and directly that I need sex more often, and need her to initiate and lead sometimes. I have told her 100s of time what an amazing sexy person she is (and she really is) and to use her body more often during sex as it drives me totally insane. yet, she is almost shy, whilst is and was never a shy person (very comfortable to run around the house naked), yet sexually she is very timid. Even as a woman she is strong and independent, yet in bed expects to be led from A to Z.
I may understand that she does not need sex as often as I do, nor want the same intensity during sex, nor explore new avenues (no, no need for anything weird), but then I feel that if she loves her husband, and she knows what he needs, would it be so terrible to have sex 3-4 times a month and "allow" him to go give oral sex every now and then. Or maybe take over and treat him.
last month the kids woke us up in the middle of the night and I got up to see what was wrong, when I came back to bed my wife was naked and pulled my face onto her chest. Wow, amazing, but after that I had to take over despite really trying and even asking her to lead. We made love that one time
No, I do not think that she has a lover (it would be very hard to hide) nor does she masturbate, and as she insists that she loves sex with me, what the hell is wrong?
When we used to discuss this she would say that when she is closer to me she feels more compelled to sex, but that is not true as even when things are fantastic and we are in exotic and romantic locations like the Maldives, the South of France, Tuscany, nothing changes.
No, I do not run after her like a lap-dog, and I am not a weak sort of guy, but more of a leader at work (my own large business) and with my friends. And no, my wife should not feel intimidated, as she too is a strong independent person.
She actually gets annoyed by the fact that she knows that when ever she wants sex I am up for it. What?! Why should she be annoyed that I am very attracted to her, she should be worried if I did NOT want sex with her. And maybe if she wanted sex 3-4 times a week, I may not always be up for it, however at once a month...!
Whilst I never really contemplated sex with other women, and never really looked at women in that way, in the last couple of years I find that I am struggling not to cheat. And so far I have not cheated.
I do not want to leave her as I love her and love our family and kids. But then again, I cannot see things improving, I have tried the subtle approach, the direct approach, the letting-things-be approach and nothing has worked. I have had to drop the subject altogether now as it was becoming an issue.
the problem is that for her, sex once a month, with me having to lead, is perfectly fine.
Something needs to change otherwise I will either end up cheating on my wife or even getting separated. It may sound selfish to throw everything away over more and better sex, but I am going totally insane.
Frankly, I do not think that there is a solution.
My wife and i have been married 18 years. We are still both in good shape and active in our professions, socially and with our kids.
Our relationship has remained quite solid, with ups and downs especially due to the stress on bringing up kids. yet, we have remained close through thick and thin.
I am a hands-on dad, and whilst I work a full day, when I come home I always do the cooking and help out. Weekends are dedicated to kids and time together. We take regular breaks away from the kids and both enjoy separate time with our friends once every so often.
On paper this should all lead to a healthy physical relationship, however sexually I feel very unsatisfied.
For the last 10 years or so I feel that my wife's interest in sex has dwindled to once every month. Any more than that it seems like a chore for her. Oral sex has TOTALLY stopped, giving AND receiving. She never enjoyed giving oral sex, and never felt obliged, but loved receiving. (yes, that is a bit selfish, but I also preferred giving than receiving). I always initiate sex and always lead. Always! Whilst I do not mind having to initiate most of the time, nor lead most of the time, it cannot be ALL of the time. And when we do have sex, it is always once, never 3 or 4 times in a session. When after 20 minutes I start again, she sweetly tells me "are you serious?!"
Yet, she insists that she is VERY satisfied with our sex life
I jave pointed out subtle, and directly that I need sex more often, and need her to initiate and lead sometimes. I have told her 100s of time what an amazing sexy person she is (and she really is) and to use her body more often during sex as it drives me totally insane. yet, she is almost shy, whilst is and was never a shy person (very comfortable to run around the house naked), yet sexually she is very timid. Even as a woman she is strong and independent, yet in bed expects to be led from A to Z.
I may understand that she does not need sex as often as I do, nor want the same intensity during sex, nor explore new avenues (no, no need for anything weird), but then I feel that if she loves her husband, and she knows what he needs, would it be so terrible to have sex 3-4 times a month and "allow" him to go give oral sex every now and then. Or maybe take over and treat him.
last month the kids woke us up in the middle of the night and I got up to see what was wrong, when I came back to bed my wife was naked and pulled my face onto her chest. Wow, amazing, but after that I had to take over despite really trying and even asking her to lead. We made love that one time
No, I do not think that she has a lover (it would be very hard to hide) nor does she masturbate, and as she insists that she loves sex with me, what the hell is wrong?
When we used to discuss this she would say that when she is closer to me she feels more compelled to sex, but that is not true as even when things are fantastic and we are in exotic and romantic locations like the Maldives, the South of France, Tuscany, nothing changes.
No, I do not run after her like a lap-dog, and I am not a weak sort of guy, but more of a leader at work (my own large business) and with my friends. And no, my wife should not feel intimidated, as she too is a strong independent person.
She actually gets annoyed by the fact that she knows that when ever she wants sex I am up for it. What?! Why should she be annoyed that I am very attracted to her, she should be worried if I did NOT want sex with her. And maybe if she wanted sex 3-4 times a week, I may not always be up for it, however at once a month...!
Whilst I never really contemplated sex with other women, and never really looked at women in that way, in the last couple of years I find that I am struggling not to cheat. And so far I have not cheated.
I do not want to leave her as I love her and love our family and kids. But then again, I cannot see things improving, I have tried the subtle approach, the direct approach, the letting-things-be approach and nothing has worked. I have had to drop the subject altogether now as it was becoming an issue.
the problem is that for her, sex once a month, with me having to lead, is perfectly fine.
Something needs to change otherwise I will either end up cheating on my wife or even getting separated. It may sound selfish to throw everything away over more and better sex, but I am going totally insane.
Frankly, I do not think that there is a solution.
I swear I'm married to exactly the same women. It has been a constant battle for years. We have been married for 21+ years. It has only been the last year or so that she has "performed". I say that in quotes because she has finally understood what sex means to me. And she is willing to do it. However it is a chore or a thing to just check off the "to do list". Only rarely is she into it sexually.
She usually will give me a **. She wants nothing in return which really hurts my feelings.
She makes me seem like I have to "earn" sex. That is, if I cook dinner and do the dishes than I "get" sex later. More than once my wife has told me that if she never had sex again it would be "no big deal". I was absolutely devastated. It still haunts me as I still believe she feels the same way.
I do not understand having to "earn" sex or to be intimate. Sex is not a task, it is the most intimate close experience that you can have with your spouse. You are "one flesh". Sex is the one thing that you can ONLY do with your spouse. It truly defines the unique bond between husband and wife. It should NOT be something that has to be "earned" or that is a "task" of "chore". It should be something to be cherished and looked forward to. It should be special and desired. Not something to have to endure or to get done. Hurry up so I can go to sleep now, your bothering me.
It burns me to no end. It is very mentally crushing and demoralizing.
I can recommend a couple of books however. Both of these my wife read and I think was the breakthrough at least for her to understand the importance it is to me and why she at least increased sexual activity and frequency for me. Even though it still seems a bit of a chore for her. At least she is willing to have sex more often and oral pleasure me etc.
The five love languages - can't remember author
Love & Respect - By Emerson Eggerichs. Just to give you a heads up that this book is a religious christian based book.
The 5 love languages is pretty good in that if you are not speaking her love language, as much as you sincerely THINK you are showing her love, if she speaks a different language she is NOT picking up on your love. You see we normally speak OUR own love language. So that is what we show and do. However if our wife has a different love language, All that hard work you think you are doing is LITERALLY falling on deaf ears. You may as well be talking Swalhelli to her.
This is part of my problem with the whole "earn" thing. You see my wife's love language is "acts of service" while I am physical touch. She scores near zero on personal touch and I score near zero on acts of service. We literally are talking two languages. And that explains why she never touches me, Not ever, let alone in the bed room. It is a totally foreign language to her. And she isn't in the mood because I don't do the acts of service. I am touchy feely with her all the time and that pisses her off.
Maybe you have similar issues.
Also you may want to have your wife checked not only for estrogen,but also her Thyroid. That also was an issue with my wife. Low Thyroid can result in low libido. Along with that, Vitamin D, and B12 and iron levels.
She usually will give me a **. She wants nothing in return which really hurts my feelings.
She makes me seem like I have to "earn" sex. That is, if I cook dinner and do the dishes than I "get" sex later. More than once my wife has told me that if she never had sex again it would be "no big deal". I was absolutely devastated. It still haunts me as I still believe she feels the same way.
I do not understand having to "earn" sex or to be intimate. Sex is not a task, it is the most intimate close experience that you can have with your spouse. You are "one flesh". Sex is the one thing that you can ONLY do with your spouse. It truly defines the unique bond between husband and wife. It should NOT be something that has to be "earned" or that is a "task" of "chore". It should be something to be cherished and looked forward to. It should be special and desired. Not something to have to endure or to get done. Hurry up so I can go to sleep now, your bothering me.
It burns me to no end. It is very mentally crushing and demoralizing.
I can recommend a couple of books however. Both of these my wife read and I think was the breakthrough at least for her to understand the importance it is to me and why she at least increased sexual activity and frequency for me. Even though it still seems a bit of a chore for her. At least she is willing to have sex more often and oral pleasure me etc.
The five love languages - can't remember author
Love & Respect - By Emerson Eggerichs. Just to give you a heads up that this book is a religious christian based book.
The 5 love languages is pretty good in that if you are not speaking her love language, as much as you sincerely THINK you are showing her love, if she speaks a different language she is NOT picking up on your love. You see we normally speak OUR own love language. So that is what we show and do. However if our wife has a different love language, All that hard work you think you are doing is LITERALLY falling on deaf ears. You may as well be talking Swalhelli to her.
This is part of my problem with the whole "earn" thing. You see my wife's love language is "acts of service" while I am physical touch. She scores near zero on personal touch and I score near zero on acts of service. We literally are talking two languages. And that explains why she never touches me, Not ever, let alone in the bed room. It is a totally foreign language to her. And she isn't in the mood because I don't do the acts of service. I am touchy feely with her all the time and that pisses her off.
Maybe you have similar issues.
Also you may want to have your wife checked not only for estrogen,but also her Thyroid. That also was an issue with my wife. Low Thyroid can result in low libido. Along with that, Vitamin D, and B12 and iron levels.
Ask your wife how fulfilled she is by life as it is presently. If she says that it is very fulfulling, then maybe it's just her estrogen levels and not her chores, that have her down.
My wife is not a house-wife. she runs her own very successful business between 9am and 4pm and then comes home to take care of our kids when they get back from school. We have a full-time maid that does ALL house-work. When I get back home at 6.30pm I help with the kids homework and always cook for the family - I enjoy that. We are very much a team with the kids, I am very hands-on as is my wife. My wife is actually a happy positive person, she loves her work, family, friends, she is great to have around. hence, I don't thinks it's that, but simply that sex once a month.
I have made her know how I feel, that I need more intimacy, and I have spelt it out how it is driving me mad. However, I fear that by saying that either things will change or our marriage is over, could mean her building a wall around her and our marriage will definitely be over. Hence, I need to decide whether I am ready to (a) hope that this last desperate cry fixes things or (b) make things even worse and irreparable.
I think a counselor or therapist also. Maybe your wife is just suffering from low estrogen, but it sounds to me like she's depressed and doing the best she can. You say you are helping out, but maybe she feels that a lot of the less-than-satisfying aspects of household life have been dumped onto her. Nothing turns a woman off and makes her feel less like having sex (never mind feeling adventurous) than being the one expected to do all the scut work. Men tend to think "I pay the bills, she should be glad to have this nice house to take care of," and to abdicate the responsibility to be a full partner in the dull routines and chores of home. Add demands about being serviced sexually to the automatic expectation that if a chore is not interesting, the wife has to do it, and desire pretty much fades away. If my husband were to take an equal partnership in accomplishing all the boring household stuff, we'd be a lot closer. From closeness comes sexual desire.
"Something needs to change otherwise I will either end up cheating on my wife or even getting separated. It may sound selfish to throw everything away over more and better sex, but I am going totally insane."
You need to say EXACTLY this to her directly. Sometimes the truth and being blunt is what people need to knock some common sense into them. She probably really has no clue you feel this way. Communication is key!
Your complaints are valid so there should be no reason for her to get upset. Try to see a sex therapist together. That may help! Good luck
You need to say EXACTLY this to her directly. Sometimes the truth and being blunt is what people need to knock some common sense into them. She probably really has no clue you feel this way. Communication is key!
Your complaints are valid so there should be no reason for her to get upset. Try to see a sex therapist together. That may help! Good luck
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