Humiliated but desperate...

[ml283]

Apologies in advance for long story...i am an healthy 31 year old male who has NEVER EVER had any problems obtaining or maintaining an erection. I recently met what i can only describe as the girl of my dreams. We've been dating steadily since the end of May. A few days ago, she was finally ready to have sex for the first time. I had spent the entire day hoping and planning for exactly that outcome. I had no alcohol in my system at all, or any drugs or medication, but perhaps a lot of nerves and anxiety. Simply put, I failed to get an erection. I was completely embarrassed and shamed. It had literally NEVER happened to me before. And the crazy part is that i am insanely attracted to her and want her SO badly. I cannot imagine what went wrong. She was amazingly cool about it, said not to worry, and that we would try again. Just a couple of days later (probably too soon, but i was so desperate to try again...) she wanted to meet again and we wound up giving it another shot. It was a LITTLE better, as i was able to achieve an erection at first, but then i gradually lost it until it was no longer possible to continue. This time she was noticeably upset, and is now wondering if we just aren't "sexually compatible." I have NO IDEA WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. Never, EVER has this ever been a problem before. And she is the first woman in a LONG time that i have developed real, actual feelings for, yet somehow i cannot perform for her sexually. I realize this is all in my head and a result of some kind of anxiety, but i can't seem to get out of my own head (no pun intended).

Please, I am completely desperate and so afraid i'm going to lose her. She wants some space and time to think, but seemed to indicate i might get one more shot. I haven't felt this way about someone in so long and if i lose her now i don't know that i'll recover emotionally for a long time. I am able to masturbate normally and maintain an erection while even kissing her or just being near her. Yet the anxiety in the act is suddenly so overwhelming i go soft.

Has anyone every experienced anything similar? I don't want to resort to pills, but i am willing to try...i'd do anything not to lose her. I just don't want to become dependent on them.

Thanks for ANY help and your understanding....

[AnnieBrooke]

Great idea.  :)  Think of virgins who aren't going to "do it."  They can be pretty creative within that restriction, and some of those early times were the most fun.

[Czezcky]

I had the same problem for years. Always with a first time experience. It was always the anxiety of not being able to perform that made it happen. One day, I decided to reveal the problem before it revealed itself: I told the woman that I'm not easy to get aroused. I warned her that if she failed to get me aroused not to take it personally because my---- has a mind of his own and sometimes he is turned on and sometimes he is not. I said that it is never a reflection of what I think,or feel toward her. She was ok with it and wanted  the challenge. I said ok, but no guarantees. Now I was totally relaxed since nothing was expected of me. She took charge. It was the best sex I ever had. We are still together.

[ml283]

First, i REALLY, really appreciate all these comments.  We have talked about it, and she was cool about it the first time but less so the second.  She was totally willing to hear me out, but the fact is, SHE is the one who seems to want the penetration.  She loves fondling, kissing, petting, all the foreplay, but in the end, she likes the penetration and it seems to be really stressing her out...which of course is stressing ME out and on and on in a vicious cycle.  I do realize it's almost certainly all in my head and there is nothing physically wrong with me, and yeah, an entire day of "Planning" (wasn't really that, just an entire day of HOPING after almost two months of dating) definitely psyched myself out.  That and, honestly, just how much i care for her.  

ANyway i just want to thank you all again for your comments.  They are really, REALLY helping a lot.

[AnnieBrooke]

Try to broaden your concept of what constitutes a good experience with your partner.  Please remember that even guys who *can't* get erections (like, due to illness or injury) can still satisfy their wives; it is not all about slamming the penis in.  You've obviously got yourself tied up in knots (you planned all day for the possibility that you were going to have sex?  As the girl, that would kind of creep me out), where maybe you should have had a glass of wine in the first place and just stayed playful and cheerful and glad to be there with her, no matter what happened.  There's nothing wrong with being in bed and *not* having penetrative sex, but instead petting, kissing, and fondling.  A really relaxed guy would move into that mode if he got soft during sex, and the woman would take her cue from his relaxed attitude, and both of you would realize that the fun is in being together.  Is she also uptight about this or is she calm?  I'm wondering if your tension is making her feel kind of awkward.  Why not just go on dates where you have not planned and dreamed all day about going to bed, in other words, go on dates where you *don't* intend to have sex.  Enjoy each other, and show her by your actions that you care about her.  Things might progress more naturally from there.

[Roxy1054]

I agree with the previous Post :)
I had a similar situation with my ex-boyfriend :P the first couple of times it happened, i couldnt understand what happened because we were very attracted to each other and everyhting was great. We were both 31 also at the time and after the 5th (yes!) failed attempted, i just asked him "has this happened to you before", you can tell me" it was like a wave of relief to him that i was okay talking about it and he bascially explained to me how he felt, nearly exactly the same as you. Every time he saw me after each failed attempted it just made him more and more anxious and couldnt stop thinking about the fact that he was disappointing me (which he wasnt!) We talked about it for ages, and i told him there was no pressure, lets just go with it next time.  The next couple of times we just kind of 'fooled around' not having sex but other things and then when it happened it was so was great :) if a girl you are only with for a short time (despite how you feel about her) cant understand your problem, and is going to say your 'not compatible' after only 2 failed attempts and after you have the guts to tell her about it, then shes not worth being with. My and my ex were together for 3 years and the only problem we had like that was in the beginning. He said years later that he realised how much more he loved me when he could talk to me about something so personal to a guy. Just remember it is all anxiety related and not physical. Good luck :P

[remar]

This is all anxiety because you care for this girl so much. I'm sorry she's giving you only one more shot. This puts even more pressure on you. If you could tell her why this is happening maybe she would understand and not put any pressure on you to give it only one more chance. Tell her how much you care about her and it is most likely because of anxiety to please her. When you're dating someone you're not in love with things can be easier. There isn't as much anxiety about how your perform.  When you and your girlfriend try again try your best to stay calm. If by chance you do lose your erection don't be upset, just try again.Make sure your girlfriend is satisfied before trying intercourse with foreplay. No, there is nothing wrong with you and I don't think you need any pills.