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Learning to have orgasms with sex
I'm healthy 39 year old guy, and I've always had trouble having an orgasm with intercourse. It's never been total. When I was in my twenties it wasn't a frequent problem, but it was there. I would require a lot of stimulation to reach orgasm during sex, and for some women I slept with it was a lot of work. I ended up telling some of them things like "Wow, you're a trooper" once I finally came. Then I got into porn, and did plenty of masturbating - no problems with orgasm. Then the internet hit and I started masturbating to porn - no problem with orgasm, although I admit I got lost in it at times and spent too much time with it, holding orgasm off for and hour or more.
When I married, the problem remained, and I kept masturbating to porn - secretly, something I don't recommend at all. My wife didn't have much sex drive, and was pretty inhibited. She worked a lot, and porn just seemed like a way for me to get by. When we did have sex, my orgasm was occasionally fine, usually a lot of work, and sometimes absent. It bothered us both. When she found out about my porn use, she freaked out, but I didn't want to stop. I told her, "Hey, we never have sex anyway, why can't you let me do this?" She didn't see it that way. She felt I had a porn addiction - and I guess she was right.
We've broken up now, and I'm with a young, beautiful, woman who is sexually experienced, open, and loves sex. BUT I WANT TO BE ABLE TO PERFORM. I was glad to relearn from her that some women really like sex. But the first time we tried, I couldn't get it up, and I think alcohol was the culprit. The next morning, I got a 1/2 erection (if that's a word), but didn't come. She was understanding - really sweet about it. She even brought up that porn can "program" you sexually so that sex is difficult. I told her that I did use porn sometimes, but not the extent of it. I'll admit, it's hard to talk about even with someone so open.
Anyway, being with a hot, sexual woman has made me much more willing to take porn out of my life. I'm off it now, and don't want to go back - particularly if it's going to screw up this great thing that I just started.
But I still worry that I won't be able to overcome it (no pun intended). Should I masturbate without porn? I tend to think that masturbation is pretty intense - you control the pressure, and it doesn't give you any of the other stuff that sex does, like touching skin on skin elsewhere, massaging, talking, whatever. It's just straight genital rubbing over and over until you come. So my thinking is that if I masturbate at all I should try to use less pressure/friction, even if doesn't get me there - so that I can become more sensitive. Either that or no jerking at all, along with no porn of course. I'd be curious to hear recommendations if anyone has any - I really want to work through this.
When I married, the problem remained, and I kept masturbating to porn - secretly, something I don't recommend at all. My wife didn't have much sex drive, and was pretty inhibited. She worked a lot, and porn just seemed like a way for me to get by. When we did have sex, my orgasm was occasionally fine, usually a lot of work, and sometimes absent. It bothered us both. When she found out about my porn use, she freaked out, but I didn't want to stop. I told her, "Hey, we never have sex anyway, why can't you let me do this?" She didn't see it that way. She felt I had a porn addiction - and I guess she was right.
We've broken up now, and I'm with a young, beautiful, woman who is sexually experienced, open, and loves sex. BUT I WANT TO BE ABLE TO PERFORM. I was glad to relearn from her that some women really like sex. But the first time we tried, I couldn't get it up, and I think alcohol was the culprit. The next morning, I got a 1/2 erection (if that's a word), but didn't come. She was understanding - really sweet about it. She even brought up that porn can "program" you sexually so that sex is difficult. I told her that I did use porn sometimes, but not the extent of it. I'll admit, it's hard to talk about even with someone so open.
Anyway, being with a hot, sexual woman has made me much more willing to take porn out of my life. I'm off it now, and don't want to go back - particularly if it's going to screw up this great thing that I just started.
But I still worry that I won't be able to overcome it (no pun intended). Should I masturbate without porn? I tend to think that masturbation is pretty intense - you control the pressure, and it doesn't give you any of the other stuff that sex does, like touching skin on skin elsewhere, massaging, talking, whatever. It's just straight genital rubbing over and over until you come. So my thinking is that if I masturbate at all I should try to use less pressure/friction, even if doesn't get me there - so that I can become more sensitive. Either that or no jerking at all, along with no porn of course. I'd be curious to hear recommendations if anyone has any - I really want to work through this.
Update: I had been going off of an antidepressant that makes orgasms more difficult (celexa), and I've switched to one that doesn't (Wellbutrin XL). Surprisingly, it actually seems to improve the boner too! I'm feeling better, and after two months without porn (and only whacking it once or twice), I think I'm ready for anything.
Yes, Elmoman, it IS out there. For 20+ years I thought I would never have anything like this. It just took a "kick" in the head to snap me out of my way of thinking. And heck, if I could find someone who wants and cares for me so much, I'm more than sure you can.
I myself had the opportunity, after the wife and I separated, to go out and screw any and everything. But thank goodness I found my girl first before going out and doing so and risking STDs and such. I thank my lucky starts every day I have her. You can do the same, just don't settle for whatever you find first.
Good luck, my friend.
I myself had the opportunity, after the wife and I separated, to go out and screw any and everything. But thank goodness I found my girl first before going out and doing so and risking STDs and such. I thank my lucky starts every day I have her. You can do the same, just don't settle for whatever you find first.
Good luck, my friend.
Yeah, that's exactly what I want to hear. After being married for so long without a sex life, I'm kind of ready for a sexual rebirth - not to go screw everything that isn't nailed down, mind you - but to enjoy being with women, and eventually find one who I will want to stay with and KEEP HAVING SEX.
So glad to hear that it's out there...
So glad to hear that it's out there...
Hey dude, I was in your shoes most of my life. I started watching pr0n and masturbating to it when I was in junior high. When I had finally had sex the first time in high school, I had already "programmed" myself to *** quickly while masturbating. Thus, I had already wired myself to premature ejaculation. Problem is, I kept up doing this, for 25 YEARS. I, too, would masturbate to porn (now on a computer! Woohoo) behind the wife's back. We, too, had sex rarely. I guess because she figured "Why bother, he just cums too fast", and me with the shame of doing so.
Fast forward to now. The wife and I separated and I met a wonderful older woman who is in her sexual peak. I told her my problem and she resolved to help me overcome it. And overcome it we did. The sex is so amazing and overabundant that I had no reason for porn. I haven't searched online or so much as looked at it for 6 months. I have all the sex I can want now so there is no need for it. Even I am shocked that I quit cold turkey like that.
So, what I am saying is that, if she is caring and understanding (and more importantly, if you are willing to let go and tell her your worst problems and fears), you can work it out together.
Hope this helps!
Fast forward to now. The wife and I separated and I met a wonderful older woman who is in her sexual peak. I told her my problem and she resolved to help me overcome it. And overcome it we did. The sex is so amazing and overabundant that I had no reason for porn. I haven't searched online or so much as looked at it for 6 months. I have all the sex I can want now so there is no need for it. Even I am shocked that I quit cold turkey like that.
So, what I am saying is that, if she is caring and understanding (and more importantly, if you are willing to let go and tell her your worst problems and fears), you can work it out together.
Hope this helps!
You're sharp, Annie. Yeah, I am a little afraid that maybe it's just me, and not porn or masturbation. I don't think abstaining from porn will make me anxious - I just don't know if it will help with a partner. I think masturbation is healthy in general, as long as there is some moderation, and it's not connected to porn. So I'm sure I masturbate, but for now, I'm going to give it a rest and see what happens.
My new partner is cool, and we've talked a little about how hard it is to be vulnerable, and I'm guessing that's part of it. Admitting to others your flaws and risking that they might lose interest in you - or worse - flat out reject you -- is scary. She's experienced, and beautiful, and I want to make us both feel good, but I don't know if I can. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. Talking with others helps, but this is a tough subject (for me, at least) to share. I'll try to update so maybe someone can learn from my experience and your thoughts.
My new partner is cool, and we've talked a little about how hard it is to be vulnerable, and I'm guessing that's part of it. Admitting to others your flaws and risking that they might lose interest in you - or worse - flat out reject you -- is scary. She's experienced, and beautiful, and I want to make us both feel good, but I don't know if I can. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. Talking with others helps, but this is a tough subject (for me, at least) to share. I'll try to update so maybe someone can learn from my experience and your thoughts.
It kinda sounds like you really want to keep masturbating. (Why not, if that's what you're used to, and you can totally control the outcome.) I guess in your shoes, I'd swear off the porn and the masturbation, and see where that takes me both physically and psychologically. My guess is that it will make you anxious. Either you'll have to face fears of discovering that you still can't come easily and it's not really the porn or the masturbation that's the problem, or you'll find out that it was the porn and masturbation and now you're enjoying real, human sex with another person, and you'll have to decide whether to give up your old friend, porn. If I had to guess (and believe me, it's just a guess) I'd suspect that there is some level of concern in your heart about face-to-face sex with a real person. Dealing with that concern might be a matter of practice, or maybe a matter of talking with a counselor for a few sessions too, since orgasm is more in the head than in the body. Performance anxiety can be a real buzz-kill. It certainly can take away a female orgasm, and undoubtedly the same is true for men too.
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