Masturbation Conditioning

[BigTuna]

Hi there,

I am currently 19 and until about a month ago I was a virgin.  As such, for these 19 years I have relied heavily on masturbation to fulfill my needs.

However, I have recently become sexually active, however I cannot reach orgasm with my girlfriend (during sex or oral).
I have looked into this quite a bit and I don't believe it is anxiety-related and I have no problems reaching orgasm by myself.
I believe I have conditioned myself to only be able to reach orgasm through masturbation because I have gotten used to the speed and feeling of it. Sex or foreplay doesn't come close to this level of friction/speed and as such, I can't ejaculate during sex.

My question is how do I re-program myself to be able to ejaculate during sex and not just masturbation? I have already stopped masturbating for the last two weeks and still cannot come close. Do I simply continue to cease masturbating to solve this? Can I ever masturbate again without fear of this same problem?

Please help I am desperate and I know you folks know what you are talking about!

Thanks!

[Ryo77]

Hi, I'm 31 years old and am having the same problem sometimes. It's called delayed ejaculation. And as you, the friction and tightness of a woman's vagina is very different from your hand (a baby can pass through that opening!) Also my girlfriend gets very wet after she's had an orgasm which makes everything very slippery and even harder for me to reach climax. Nevertheless, I found a few things that helped me deal over this: 1. masturbate less often. You have to recondition yourself to the feel of a vagina. If you can go at least 1 week with no masturbation and no sex, you will build up some sexual tension which makes it a lot easier to release during sex. You might even have premature ejaculation if you get really aroused. 2. Take your time during sex, please her first so she gets her orgasm then take your time to find what you like, experiment with positions etc. She might even like it that you can go for hours without coming.  3. Have a bit more foreplay before penetrating her, have her give you some oral sex if she's willing. Build up the tension as much as possible. 4. Only if she's willing, you can try anal sex, the feeling is quite different. Tighter, again remember to go slowly. Your partner will find it more pleasurable and you might find that you dont need that much speed in order to come.

Another thing is, the more you will reach climax during sex the easier it will get next time. So it's only the beginning that's a bit harder. For me if I have sex every day, I will only come once but can still find it extremely pleasurable to have sex many times during the day (up to 8 times) without ejaculating.

Hope this helps! And don't forget to never force things...just relax and enjoy. You don't need to impress anyone. And don't compare yourself to those porn stars.

[NCB22]

As a guy, I agree with mousem--some of those ideas and techniques should be helpful.  Maybe let her masterbate you in a similar fashion that you have used on yourself previously & see what happens.  You can then try masturbating in front of her.  If you have any anxiety about that, have her masterbate herself at the same time--that way, you won't necessarily feel that she is "watching" you, but she is still in your presence.  You can then do it for her while she watches.  Once you've succeeded, take the next small step and get yourself stimulated (as mousem suggested) before penetration--you may find that you can climax at some point.  Don't worry about coming too fast or taking too long, just try to climax during penetration.  Your can then work on timing, etc., as needed, if that even becomes an issue.

Too often, with guys, it is just the opposite.  We have been masturbating for a time before having a sexual relationship.  We try to climax quickly and have a preference in how to do it.  This could cause issues later on when in a relationship, but can be corrected slowly over time, and with a caring partner's help, you'll be successful.  Hope this helps!

[mousem]

No, I don't think that's what that would say at all. It's a form of foreplay. However, she might be shy to do it in front of you. The first time I did it in front of my boyfriend was really embarrassing, but kind of kinky. She might be into it, or she might not be comfortable. The best way to find out is ask. Ask her if she could pleasure herself in front of you so you could see how she likes it. Say it would really turn you on to see her that way.

For me it's kind of a voyeurism thing. Who knows, maybe she'll be really into it.

[BigTuna]

Hmm masturbating in front of her could be an idea. Although you think she would be offended? Because that would basically be saying that she's not good enough or something...

[mousem]

Have you ever tried to masturbate in front of your girlfriend? It's quite a turn on for some people to watch each other while they pleasure themselves. I think the issue with you is mainly that you like it really fast. Try doing it the way you like in front of her, that way she is involved in it, too. Also, maybe teach her how to do it to you. That way you'll be able to finish during foreplay. Also, another technique to use is to do that right before you penetrate her, so you'll be really turned on before you begin sex and maybe that way you'll have no choice but to climax during sex.

Also, I think you can condition yourself to like it slower and more gentle if you start masturbating a little slower when you're by yourself. Practice makes perfect.

Also, please don't forget to please your girlfriend the way she likes it. Ask what she likes and make sure to give it to her. Use fingers and tongue and not just your penis for that.

Good luck.