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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
20, Female, Loss of sex drive
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
20, Female, Loss of sex drive
by miss_amanda, Jun 11, 2009 02:47PM
I'm a 20 year old female and have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for 2 years. He was the one I gave my "male" virginity to. Previous to him I was in one other relationship with a girl for 6 months (at least a year or a little more before I knew him). I have no preference for males or females. It could be any one I find attractive.
In the beginning, we were "at it" all the time and I was always "on". I would initiate even to the point where he'd reject me because HE wasn't in the mood. (My boyfriend is 5 years older than me.) I will admit when he did this I would get MAD. I'm not even sure when things changed but we slowly stopped having it as often and now, 2 years later, we go months without having it. I love him, and he and I have talked about marriage and kids someday BUT how can I think about a future with him when our sex life is so NON-existent? I feel that even though we both act like it doesn't matter so much, that it will eventually murder us later in life... and GOD forbid it's after we're married and have kids.
I don't really see him as "sexy" and I'm not sure I ever really thought of him that way.I just though he was cute and I still do. Maybe it was just the "new-ness" of it all, and the infatuation that fueled my sex drive. We were still learning about each other then and now we know EVERYTHING there is to know, pretty much. We've tried toys, adult videos. During the act, I found that vibrating rings help SO much (because I am difficult to reach orgasm to begin with), and watching videos during intercourse is arousing as well... but for me, it's "getting in the mood" that I'm having trouble with and I'm wondering if I should maybe consider taking some kind of aphrodisiac supplement and what that would be? Am I too young to consider anything like that?
I am on one heart med. (Atenolol) for palpitations, but I've only been on it since January and my problems started way before then.
I feel broken, help me please.
In the beginning, we were "at it" all the time and I was always "on". I would initiate even to the point where he'd reject me because HE wasn't in the mood. (My boyfriend is 5 years older than me.) I will admit when he did this I would get MAD. I'm not even sure when things changed but we slowly stopped having it as often and now, 2 years later, we go months without having it. I love him, and he and I have talked about marriage and kids someday BUT how can I think about a future with him when our sex life is so NON-existent? I feel that even though we both act like it doesn't matter so much, that it will eventually murder us later in life... and GOD forbid it's after we're married and have kids.
I don't really see him as "sexy" and I'm not sure I ever really thought of him that way.I just though he was cute and I still do. Maybe it was just the "new-ness" of it all, and the infatuation that fueled my sex drive. We were still learning about each other then and now we know EVERYTHING there is to know, pretty much. We've tried toys, adult videos. During the act, I found that vibrating rings help SO much (because I am difficult to reach orgasm to begin with), and watching videos during intercourse is arousing as well... but for me, it's "getting in the mood" that I'm having trouble with and I'm wondering if I should maybe consider taking some kind of aphrodisiac supplement and what that would be? Am I too young to consider anything like that?
I am on one heart med. (Atenolol) for palpitations, but I've only been on it since January and my problems started way before then.
I feel broken, help me please.
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Jun 16, 2009 05:33PM
, Jun 16, 2009 05:33PMTo: miss_amanda
Hi Amanda.
You’re not broken; so take a deep breath and read on.
First of all, you’re not alone. This feeling happens to most of us at some time in our lives. We often go through periods where our desires may take a break. Please know that there’s nothing “wrong” with you; you’re just human.
Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times—and the more you worry about it, the worse you’ll feel. Remember that anxiety is the enemy of desire. So first, give yourself permission to feel just the way you do.
There! Feel a little better? Now you need to decide on your second step.
There is no magic formula to regain desire. Everyone is different, and I can’t tell you anything about yourself because I don’t know you. You know yourself best, and I suspect if you examine your past experiences, messages you got about sex and your feelings about your current relationship, you’ll have some insights into what’s going on.
Ask yourself what changed about your feelings since you first met. Did you truly desire sex more often with him at that time than you do now? Or was it just the newness, as you point out? It sounds to me like you’re just not that turned on to your boyfriend. It may be helpful for you to take an inventory of characteristics that you find attractive or interesting. Does he have any of those qualities, or are you feeling like you SHOULD be turned on regardless? Remember you’re not going to get pizza by hanging out at a steak restaurant. Do you think about sex—not with him, but with others? Do you daydream about sex with celebrities, etc.? Do you self-pleasure? Have sexy dreams? If so, that would indicate that you’re interested in sex, but you’re not interested in sex with him. This could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic.
On the other hand, if you DON’T think about sex ever, if it’s not a priority for you, then you may be repressing sexual feelings, or you’re just not that interested in sex. We all go through periods in our life when our sexual interests fluctuate—just like our interests in other aspects of life.
And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. You might also examine what else has been happening in your life that may have affected you. Are you content with yourself, with your life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises? And how’s your physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire.
Are you anxious? If you’re feeling anxious or unsure of yourself, your desire for sex will be affected. Or you may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or you may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons you may have for avoiding sex with others? You mention that you’re bisexual and that your last sexual relationship was with a woman. I’m wondering if perhaps same-sex relationships work better for you than opposite sex ones. This is something for you to examine within yourself so that you’re not trying to fit into a lifestyle that doesn’t work for you.
There could be other reasons you’re not turned on: If you’re worried about pleasing your partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
And, of course, there’s the whole issue of your boyfriend’s attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting your desire. Is sex mostly about HIS pleasure rather than yours?
I’m also wondering whether you are still having any kind of sexual fantasies—apart from your relationship—and whether you’re self-pleasuring. If you’re still interested in sex in general, apart from your relationship, this could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic, not sex in and of itself.
So, to recap: you may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or you may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated or feeling conflicted about the relationship. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any are true for you. Remember not to put pressure on yourself. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this and whether you’ve taken any actions to try to change it. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize. If you truly love your boyfriend and want to stay with him, your next step is to talk with him about this to see if there’s any possibility of making some changes that would increase your sexual desire. Perhaps there are some things he’s doing that are preventing you from “getting in the mood.”
And sorry to burst your bubble, but and there aren’t any “aphrodisiacs” except those that exist in your brain, which is, in fact, your biggest sex organ. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
You’re not broken; so take a deep breath and read on.
First of all, you’re not alone. This feeling happens to most of us at some time in our lives. We often go through periods where our desires may take a break. Please know that there’s nothing “wrong” with you; you’re just human.
Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times—and the more you worry about it, the worse you’ll feel. Remember that anxiety is the enemy of desire. So first, give yourself permission to feel just the way you do.
There! Feel a little better? Now you need to decide on your second step.
There is no magic formula to regain desire. Everyone is different, and I can’t tell you anything about yourself because I don’t know you. You know yourself best, and I suspect if you examine your past experiences, messages you got about sex and your feelings about your current relationship, you’ll have some insights into what’s going on.
Ask yourself what changed about your feelings since you first met. Did you truly desire sex more often with him at that time than you do now? Or was it just the newness, as you point out? It sounds to me like you’re just not that turned on to your boyfriend. It may be helpful for you to take an inventory of characteristics that you find attractive or interesting. Does he have any of those qualities, or are you feeling like you SHOULD be turned on regardless? Remember you’re not going to get pizza by hanging out at a steak restaurant. Do you think about sex—not with him, but with others? Do you daydream about sex with celebrities, etc.? Do you self-pleasure? Have sexy dreams? If so, that would indicate that you’re interested in sex, but you’re not interested in sex with him. This could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic.
On the other hand, if you DON’T think about sex ever, if it’s not a priority for you, then you may be repressing sexual feelings, or you’re just not that interested in sex. We all go through periods in our life when our sexual interests fluctuate—just like our interests in other aspects of life.
And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. You might also examine what else has been happening in your life that may have affected you. Are you content with yourself, with your life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises? And how’s your physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire.
Are you anxious? If you’re feeling anxious or unsure of yourself, your desire for sex will be affected. Or you may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or you may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons you may have for avoiding sex with others? You mention that you’re bisexual and that your last sexual relationship was with a woman. I’m wondering if perhaps same-sex relationships work better for you than opposite sex ones. This is something for you to examine within yourself so that you’re not trying to fit into a lifestyle that doesn’t work for you.
There could be other reasons you’re not turned on: If you’re worried about pleasing your partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
And, of course, there’s the whole issue of your boyfriend’s attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting your desire. Is sex mostly about HIS pleasure rather than yours?
I’m also wondering whether you are still having any kind of sexual fantasies—apart from your relationship—and whether you’re self-pleasuring. If you’re still interested in sex in general, apart from your relationship, this could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic, not sex in and of itself.
So, to recap: you may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or you may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated or feeling conflicted about the relationship. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any are true for you. Remember not to put pressure on yourself. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this and whether you’ve taken any actions to try to change it. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize. If you truly love your boyfriend and want to stay with him, your next step is to talk with him about this to see if there’s any possibility of making some changes that would increase your sexual desire. Perhaps there are some things he’s doing that are preventing you from “getting in the mood.”
And sorry to burst your bubble, but and there aren’t any “aphrodisiacs” except those that exist in your brain, which is, in fact, your biggest sex organ. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
