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He prefers to masturbate than have sex? Huh?
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He prefers to masturbate than have sex? Huh?

My bf and I have been together for about 8 months. Naturally, in the beginning, we were all over one another all the time. I know things tend to slow down after a while, but the last few months have become increasingly frustrating for me. We've had sex maybe twice in the last 6 weeks and this morning it almost felt like I was the recipient of a mercy f***. I know he's been masturbating to porn because he's not very good at cleaning up after himself (if I find another stiff towel, I'm gonna puke). This was something I was aware of from the beginning and I don't have a problem with him watching porn (I watch it too), my problem is I feel like I've been replaced by it. I've talked to him about my feelings, last week after spending the entire weekend together (with no sex) he got up to go to work on Monday and I broke down sobbing laying there in my bed. I tried to wait unti he left, but I couldn't hold it in any longer. He approached me and was very supportive when I told him I was crying because I felt like he just doesn't want me anymore. He kissed me and held me and promised this wasn't true. Later that morning he sent me a 3 page text message telling me he thinks I am a beautiful woman and he's sorry he wasn't keeping up his end of the bargain so to speak and that he would try harder. He's attentive in all other ways and is supportive and kind. But I'm just wondering at what point as his girlfriend, do I get to say, enough porn and self pleasure! Hello!!!!!! Warm, willing, real....right here!!!! Agh.... other sites say I should leave him, really? Isn't there a grown up way to deal with this? I don't expect him to stop, but cobwebs in my vagina bc he's too busy jerking it to porn isn't cool either.... Help?
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523042_tn?1212181495
Hi there.

Your question is quite complex and not easily answered within the brief format of this forum, so my answers may seem a bit abrupt. Please don't make the mistake of buying into the simplistic answers to complex problems that some will offer. Human relationships are complex.

What you are describing is a symptom of something deeper. Your bf may have intimacy issues or some conflicts about sex. Sometimes, when you're first together, the newness and hotness can mask deeper issues. For many people, dating type relationships can mask deeper issues. It's only after 6 months or so that these issues raise their ugly little heads. That's not to say that there aren't solutions.

Between women’s romantic ideals and men’s sexual scripts, there are bound to be conflicts. Most men don't seek erotica online because anything is wrong in the relationship, but because men are usually much more visually stimulated than women, and erotica turns them on in ways that are different (but not “better than”) partner sex. Some women think that if a man likes erotica, it means he’s not turned on to them. However, sex research has shown that this is not necessarily the case.

But it sounds as though he's avoiding having sex with you, which tells us there's some sort of conflict going on.

I have a friend who calls herself a “golf widow.” She’s been married for over 10 years, in a very happy and loving relationship. In fact, she and her husband adore each other. AND whenever he has enough free time, he’s at the golf course, playing golf and hanging out with his friends. Why? Not because he doesn’t love her and want to be with her, but because golf fulfills something for him, and he needs to be his own person from time to time—away and apart from her. There’s nothing wrong with the marriage; he just needs alone time, as does she.

This is quite different than the man who spends all of his time at the golf course in order to AVOID going home because he’s unhappy in his marriage. An alarm is going off in my head because your bf is clearly avoiding all sex with you, and there’s a reason for this. There are too many possibilities to list here, such as fear of intimacy, boredom, confusion about sexual orientation, etc.

I have no idea why your bf would rather watch porn than have sex with you. In fact, there’s only one way to find out, and you sound very intelligent, so I’m sure you know what it is: ask him. The best way to go about this is in a calm, nonconfrontational way. If you accuse him of neglect and attack him, he’ll get defensive, with predictable results. I recommend you sit down, remind him how much you love him, tell him what you’ve observed and ask him how the TWO of you can work through this. It may be difficult for him to even identify why he’s avoiding sex; he may not know himself. So this might be a long process, and you may need help. If so, you may wish to consult with a clinical sexologist who is trained to help people communicate about sexual issues. Write back if you’d like me to refer you to someone in your area. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
7 Comments
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1828226_tn?1323568848
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Avatar_f_tn
I am so sorry u feel this way, I am in the same situation and even worse, my boyfriend maturbates watching gay porn and preffers so than to have sex with me. At first I blamed myself, after three years hoping for a change, I realized that he will never change and be the person I want to spend tje test of my life with. He has this addiction and told me it will never stop, so I believe him and now decided to leave him, it is and had made my life miserable for the past 5 years. I am fed up and never thought I could get to this point, it only gets worse as the days go by, I have not had sex in two years and do not have any desire to.  I realized that all the nights that I felt neglected made me a stronger person, his addiction killed this relationship and I realized I am not the problem!!! It took me a while but many nights of praying and sleeping in diffetent rooms fulfilled my life.
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Avatar_f_tn
That must have been God awful for you to live with. I can't even imagine. It's so hard to know what to do. Good for you that you were able to put yourself first and say enough. Clearly, you expressed to him how his choices were making you feel and he chose to continue hurting you. Maybe he couldn't help himself, but you need and deserve to be happy and if your needs aren't being fullfilled and you're not being treated properly, it's time to go. All we can do I guess is put ourselves out there, be vulnerable, express ourselves honestly and bravely, be the partners they deserve and hope they return what's given to them, if not, then both should move onto what's better for them. It's painful but I have no doubt that you'll heal and be better for it. Good luck to you,
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Avatar_m_tn
Like the Doc said, could be a number of reasons. I have a gf who I love very much, but sometimes it's still nice to watch some porn and jerk off. Reasons why: 1) In this case the phrase "variety is the spice of life" hits the nail on the head. The same old thing every day gets boring. 2) We're men; we're low. We want to do really dirty things to women. Porn stars let men do really things to them and we get to watch. Don't get me wrong, making love is nice too, but not every time. Sometimes I just wanna do her like a porn star - dirty. 3) We're shallow and porn stars are hot. Honestly, I'm a guy and I think that whatever's going on with your bf has more to do with him than you. I think it is pretty extreme only twice in six weeks. I mean I like to rub one out once in a while, but the feeling of vagina usually trumps whatever I get out of jerking to porn. Idea: find out what he's watching i.e. is it anal, videos with happy endings happening where makeup usually goes, a particular role playing scenario. Figure out what he's watching and then do that. I know I have a specific preference as to what types of vids I like to watch, and my gf doesn't like it when I do the things that are in the videos to her. But if she would let  me do it I probably wouldn't feel the need to jerk to porn as much, since she would be fulfilling my fantasy.
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1966253_tn?1326755106
I understand your point and agree with you. I am in the similar situation. It is very sad and hard to deal with it.  In my case I live with my boyfriend for more then three years, I noticed our sex life was not normal ..... I was not having sex. We cuddle and kiss and hug but .....no sex maybe once a week. Sadly I find out that we was watching porn. I was so sad, it hurt bad, I  feel like my best friend my love one betrayed me.  I talk to him about it, he promise me that we was going to get help. That he loves me so much. And guess what ..... he did nothing about it. I am so stress out and tired of his behavior. They don't change, they just lie about it and they find the way to do it. For example when I come from work, I find that he is  in the shower, erasing his computer history, washing clothes ? ( he never does laundry). I think that I do not trust him and I think that I am going to leave him.  If he prefers porn than having sex with his gf fine. Please try to talk to him or get therapy. I wish you luck and I hope you can take the correct decision. Good luck !

ps Read my story it may help you.
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Avatar_f_tn
Try something new. Like anal if you haven't tried that. Or new positions. Go to a parking lot. Spice it up a little
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