Aa
I was sexually abused by my father
My father sexually abused me this year..it has haunted me ever since, not a night goes by that I wont have a flash image of that night it happened to me. I relive that day everyday and i am in a current relationship, I have tried to put it behind me and live a normal life as possible. I feel it is starting to effect my sexual life as my boyfriend has noticed my face expressions show him my mind is somewhere else. Now i feel like im losing him, and for some reason if i do lose him i dont feel like i can actually put myself to trying to get into another relationship. My heart hurts everyday and the only thing i really want to do is die...so i wont feel the pain anymore. I havent considered councilling and i dont feel i am ready for that. The main problem is that the only conclusion i can come up with for my pain is to have a baby..and I want to know why do i feel i NEED to have a baby..my boyfriend does not want this and for that reason i feel our relationship is going down hill due to us both wanting different things. Is it because i have lost my father as a father why i feel i need someone to love unconditionally in replace.. someone to fill that space in my heart...am i wrong to feel this way? and is it because of my experience why i want this? Is it a good idea? Do i need to go councilling?
Where is your mother in this? Does she know what happened? Have you told anyone yet?
The stable pillar that your father is supposed to be in your life is suddenly gone. All the trust and safe feeling has been destroyed by him. I think you want to have a baby because you want to feel grounded to someone again. I would say it is strongly because of this experience that you're feeling this way.
My sister was also sexually abused by a close family member, and she felt exactly like this. She was so determined to have a baby because for some reason she thought she would be happy again. However now that she looks back on her life, she realized that those weren't the right reasons to have a baby (nor was it the right time).
All these feelings you're experiencing - suicide, depression, loneliness, isolation - are part of the post-trauma from the abuse. I strongly urge you reconsider seeing a counsellor - just to have safe place to clear your head. A good counsellor will help you work through this at YOUR pace. Think of it this way: if someone had a broken leg, would you tell them to get right back up and walk on it? It's the same if someone has a broken heart - it's impossible to just get back to living and loving again. You need time to heal and you need to be safe again. Think about someone you KNOW you can trust, and re-consider talking about it. The only problem with your boyfriend is that he may be too young to understand what you are going through. At least talk to somebody.
The stable pillar that your father is supposed to be in your life is suddenly gone. All the trust and safe feeling has been destroyed by him. I think you want to have a baby because you want to feel grounded to someone again. I would say it is strongly because of this experience that you're feeling this way.
My sister was also sexually abused by a close family member, and she felt exactly like this. She was so determined to have a baby because for some reason she thought she would be happy again. However now that she looks back on her life, she realized that those weren't the right reasons to have a baby (nor was it the right time).
All these feelings you're experiencing - suicide, depression, loneliness, isolation - are part of the post-trauma from the abuse. I strongly urge you reconsider seeing a counsellor - just to have safe place to clear your head. A good counsellor will help you work through this at YOUR pace. Think of it this way: if someone had a broken leg, would you tell them to get right back up and walk on it? It's the same if someone has a broken heart - it's impossible to just get back to living and loving again. You need time to heal and you need to be safe again. Think about someone you KNOW you can trust, and re-consider talking about it. The only problem with your boyfriend is that he may be too young to understand what you are going through. At least talk to somebody.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hi.
I'm very glad you've reached out to talk about your fears. That's a big step. You’ve actually answered your own questions. Of course you want something to distract you from the pain you feel. And of course it’s not the right time to bring a baby into the world when you’re feeling so hurt.
You say you haven’t considered counseling because you don’t feel ready for it; however, counseling will offer you the best chance to process the experience and move on. You can read books, talk to friends, etc., but none of these will substitute for a professional guiding you through the process. I know it can sound scary, but counseling can be very comforting—especially when you feel alone and confused. And you can go as slow as you want.
I would like to refer you to a trained professional in your area, but I don’t know where you live. If you click on my name at the right of this post, you can send me a message with your location, and I’ll respond with some referrals. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
I'm very glad you've reached out to talk about your fears. That's a big step. You’ve actually answered your own questions. Of course you want something to distract you from the pain you feel. And of course it’s not the right time to bring a baby into the world when you’re feeling so hurt.
You say you haven’t considered counseling because you don’t feel ready for it; however, counseling will offer you the best chance to process the experience and move on. You can read books, talk to friends, etc., but none of these will substitute for a professional guiding you through the process. I know it can sound scary, but counseling can be very comforting—especially when you feel alone and confused. And you can go as slow as you want.
I would like to refer you to a trained professional in your area, but I don’t know where you live. If you click on my name at the right of this post, you can send me a message with your location, and I’ll respond with some referrals. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
That was a big step for you to reach out and ask for help. That took a lot of courage. Counseling will definitely help you to get through all of these thoughts and feelings. There are also groups available which help you understand that you are not alone. Many survivors of sexual abuse go through the very same thing you are talking about. If you go to www.preventchildabuse.org they keep a list of counselors that specialize in helping survivors of child abuse.
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