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I was stupid and cheated
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I was stupid and cheated

I was a horrible man and cheated on my amazing wife,  I have never done anything like this before,  I do not know why I did it and I immediately regretted the decision to do so.  Alcohol was involved but I do not blame it.   I cannot tell her it will destroy her and end our marriage.  I know she would never forgive me for my infidelity.  I am getting tested for STDs and refraining from sex until further notice.  I feel so much remorse and guilt for what I've done.  I do not know why I did it but it is killing me that I did.  How can I ever forgive myself.  I want so much to forget but I know I can't.  I know I will never cheat again.  I need advice on what to do and how to handle it.  Telling her is not an option; I deserve hell but she doesn't need to be hurt like that ever.  I would rather disappear than tell her I hurt her in such a way.  Please, Please help
523042_tn?1212181495
OK. You can stop beating yourself now. You're not a horrible person. What you did isn't all that unusual, especially for people who are in any kind of deep psychic pain.

No one can tell you what to do. That's for you to figure out for yourself with the help of a skilled therapist. Please find someone with no agenda for "saving" your marriage. What I mean by that is find a therapist who is non-judgmental and will help you discover the origins of your actions. In this process, you can also begin to figure out whether it's a good idea for you to tell your wife. If you DO decide to tell her, be sure it's in a therapy session, where the clinician can help both of you.

It's important to be aware that the odds of her not ever finding out are slim, since there are so many variables. It's possible she already knows.

So get yourself to a skilled therapist and begin the process. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
4 Comments
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Avatar_n_tn
Go slow with this; don't panic; take some time to understand what has happened.  You should seek out a psychologist to discuss this with.  They do this all the time.

Do not tell your wife until you have discussed this with a psychologist first.
If your well-considered, upon-advice-with-a-psychologist decision is to tell her, you will likely have learned from the psychologist the best way to do this.  

While it may turn out that you "made bad choices", you are not a horrible person.  It is very important to realize this.  What many people do not realize is that, in human sexuality, there is a genetic predisposition to infidelity. In the evolutionary plains-of-Africa environment that shaped our genes, there was a clear advantage -- but the modern world is very, very different.  Unfortunately, we still have those genes.  

1. Go slow;don't panic.
2. Do not tell your wife OUT OF GUILT.
3. Seek out a professional psychologist/ marriage councellor -- on your own at first.  This is a common problem and they do this all the time.  They will help you understand where the broken link in the chain is.  
4. Although ths doesn't appear to be the case, there are situations in which a person, perhaps without realizing it, is actually in the process of changing partners -- something actually different than infidelity.  But even in that case, you should not see the other party during this resolution process -- it will make it nearly impossible to make good resolution decisions.  This can be very hard to do, but is very important.
5. Gain some perspective -- read Helen Fisher's "Anatomy of Love"

6. As a very,very personal opinion, I believe you do not neccessarily need to confess all guilt as a way of escaping it.  I believe you can "carry" it in the form of a do-or-die personal obligation that motivates you to WELL offset the offending act.  I believe there are many people who, if they had known how bad their own guilt was going to be, would not have made (or will not make) such a  "bad decision".  It may be possible to "act on your own rmorse" in silence.  Watch the movie "Gandhi".  You will immediately recognize the scene with this concept -- applied to a much greater offense of murder of a child.

7. I want to reiterate, this is complex so talk to a psychologist.  Some practicioners have become almost scientific about this, classify the underlying reasons for infidelity into 17 categories, each with their own best approach for resolution.  

8. It doesn't sound like it, but if there is a continuing, recurring pattern, your chances of a favorable outcome are much better if you involve your wife (but not until you consult a psychologist).

9. Affairs/infidelities are complex.  This may not all be you.  You need to ask yourself how much your wife loves you, how loved you feel, is your marriage truely fulfilling.  You may love her dearly, but if you are not feeling a return flow...      


                
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Avatar_n_tn
You did not state what your feelings are/were for the other woman.
If you really had little, if any, deep feelings for her, were disinhibited (WELL known effect of alcohol). then this falls into the category of the affair/infidelity sometimes referred to as

"and, Oops. Sex happened."  (Doesn't that phrase sound like it had to be coined by a woman?)  

Alcohol or drugs can provide a level of disinhibition that simply allow
thoughless (animal) intincts to take over -- in virtually anyone.    

Ask yourelf what your feelings are/were about the other woman.

Again, this may be complex and talk to a psychologist/councellor.  

On the STD panel, try to get a very full panel.  Some of them just
show Herpes, without giving a break down as to whether it's
Herpes I or Herpes II -- oral versus genital herpes.
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Avatar_f_tn
Do not tell this to your wife at any cost and just try to forget about it.. think that nothing happened and dont panic.. dont feel guilty about it.. and spend time with your wife .. and u may consult a Counciler ..
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